A Perhaps Unconventional Walk To Atheism

[IGNYTE]

My deconversion journey was a very peaceful but abrupt one, unlike so many others on this board.

I deconverted when I was 14 and I am now 15. I have very vague memories of my deconversion process because when I finally realised and accepted that I didn't believe in Jesus, I discovered that the buildup to my erosion of faith was quite a long time (for a teenager), 2 years at least.

I was borne Christian, to Christian parents and went (I still do) to church every Sunday. I never really paid attention in church but I knew the basic Bible stories that are repeated countless times till I'm sick. It was more of going through the motion for me. I skipped through 3-4 churches every few years because my parents found the services boring and I was really quiet when I was young so I didn't make much/any friends till I was 11. Even when I was a real Christian at 13, I mostly chatted with my friends during service and could never really recall or care what the pastor was talking about. 

My most vivid memories of church was sitting in a row with my friends talking about and playing phone games and talking about our respective lives. Church was mainly social for me then (I didn't exactly realise this back then) as I got to release stress I built up over the week with my friends and vice versa. My friends were really cool about chatting during service (despite several reminders by the preacher not to do so) and they were 100% secular in our conversations. They weren't the pushy religious type and now I think they just went to church because that was what they did for their entire lives on Sunday. I guess that was why we hit off so well, just a bunch of boys looking for respite from 5 days of school and from parents.

During that period of time (13-14 years old), I wasn't very religious. In fact I was never really religious my entire life. I only got emotional (and therefore religious) whenever the pastor appealed to us using emotions and admittedly, he was making a mountain out of a molehill. I'm not sure about the others, but now I felt as if he commanded us to search for even the tiniest problem and then enlarge that to make it seem insurmountable and that the only answer was God (rarely was there practical advice given). Perhaps you would say I was living a sheltered life but I highly doubt pre-teens would experience such life-changing events that would cause them to weep and "seek help from the Lord" every week. I mean, Singapore has a very high standard of living and almost everything you need is perfect, what sort of problem could cause you to cry?

It was during that period that doubt and questions came flooding in. I never joined a cell group (it’s a thing where a fixed group of Christians come together for Bible study, prayers etc every week) because I didn't want to waste my time after service doing that. (Yep, I actually thought it was a waste of time even though I didn’t lose my faith then). Cell group was the time you raise theological questions and since I didn’t attend that, my questions were never answered.

I don’t remember what questions I had, but I think it was the usual stuff like “what is with free will if the other option is eternal torture” and “why did god tempt adam and eve if he knew what was going to happen”. I never did ask many questions to my parents (they were my only outlet) because

 

1) Their answers never answered my question. “Oh, we will never understand god because his thinking is way above us” was a favourite reply.

 

2) I was afraid I would no longer be a Christian or be loved by God if I continued my questioning. In fact, there was this period where I heavily suppressed any question with the answer “only Jesus knows best” or “it doesn’t matter”.

 

Then, on December 2013, my parents switched churches and I bade my friends goodbye. In the new church, I didn’t make any friends because I was still pissed with my parents breaking up 2 years of friendship and I wasn’t the super outgoing extrovert type either. I didn’t pay much attention during service and this was the period in time which the doubts and questions intensified. It was finally in January 2014 where my class switched and I sat with someone who was my classmate last year and on that day in January, he asked me, out of the blue, whether I believed in God and I blurted out “No”. Turns out he was a Catholic turned atheist like me and that day marked the first step in which I openly declared my lack of faith.

I am glad my journey towards atheism was a very peaceful and quick one. I didn’t get those periods of depression or loss of friendship stories I saw from others. I didn’t get emotional scars from leaving Christianity or blamed myself on why I was questioning God (I focused on the questions, not why I had the questions). My country had a 17% Christian population and government policies were very secular and all of my classmates and friends didn’t spread their religion at all. I’m glad I wasn’t segregated by the community (perhaps unlike the Deep South in USA) because frankly, everyone keeps their different faiths to themselves and it is an unspoken rule to not talk about religion in casual conversation (especially among friends and acquaintance) among Singaporeans.

Looking back, I can spot the logical fallacies my pastor uses and sigh in my mind how people can believe in the rubbish he spits out. I still attend the youth service in my church, which is weirdly named ‘IGNYTE’. Proper spelling is too mainstream for “progressive” modern sleek looking churches.

Letting go of religion is liberating because I could stop questioning and answering the story surrounding my imaginary friend (who sends people to eternal hell) and was no longer trapped by the fear of hell. Fear of hell was the only thing separating me from atheism during the period of questioning. It’s really stupid isn’t it, that the only thing separating me from atheism wasn’t Jesus’s amazing grace or love but his fantasy hell he created to enforce belief.
 

 

I eventually told my parents I didn’t believe in God and they were (so far) ok with that. I’m sure they are probably worried I will burn in hell forever (along with 83% of the population) and I don’t really care about that. My dad is more fervent on openly trying to engage in religious discussions with me but he gives me the same stupid answers of “you can’t fully understand God” etc that most of the time and one would think a Christian of 30 years (he accepted Christ in his teenage years) can easily squash the arguments of a 15 year old. He also tells me that I should join a cell group to raise my questions and told me that questioning God is ok and healthy. Too late for that I suppose. And why bother using arguments to bring me back to Christianity if all you need is faith. God didn’t say “believe me based on scientific evidence, logic and common sense”. He said “I gave you ‘free will’ between heaven and hell”. Also, why bother questioning someone who can send you to eternal hell?

 My mum, on the other hand, is trying to use a more subtle approach as I saw her reading a Christian parenting book and she doesn’t try to force religious discussions on me. (I saw the synopsis of the book and the only advice the writer gave was just to pray).

Here is my extimony. I look forward to reading yours.
 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Good job getting out at such a young age.  You've probably spared yourself years of heartache and suffering.  Welcome to the forums.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

I think that many of us settled for the non-answers of Christianity simply in order to fit in with our friends. I remember asking probing questions in a group setting, only to get "Well, you know what you've experienced so far. If that is real, maybe just keep seeking to find answers instead of concluding that it's not true." So that is what I did for years, and continued to do every time I would encounter something that should have been a red flag. I had trained my mind to excuse god and find a way to make it all "work". 30 years later I faced something that had to have a real answer. I got silence. I dug deeper and kept asking and did all that I knew I should do as a believer to get a response. Nothing but silence. Then all of the questions I had buried over the years began to re-surface and a search on the Internet brought me here. Very shortly after reading the information on this site, I deconverted.

[Ellinas]

Welcome.  Young and free of Christianity.  An enviable position.

[Aiyana]

So strange to me, that phrase "Questioning God is okay and healthy." I was told the same thing by Christians when I was deconverting. Do they even hear what they are saying? What else in the world would that apply to?? No one says, "Questioning math is okay and healthy", or, "Questioning meteorology is okay and healthy."

 

Congratulations at getting out at such a young age.

[IGNYTE]

I haven't been completely honest. I suspect that my parents are actually very worried and concerned over my disbelief. There is this gut feeling that they are just hiding their feelings very well and that indignant and frustration can unexpectedly bubble up to the surface where I am caught off guard. There was once I was joking with my mum about my dad always calling himself 'head of the house' and that Asian culture expects full subordination to fathers where she suddenly said "if you believe whatever he says why don't you believe in God".

I was shocked that she could go from laughter to seriousness in less than a second (and this joke has been recurring many times after my deconversion announcement). I was more upset than shocked because I always saw her as an intelligent person. Did she really think that she could reconvert me on the basis that my father is a Christian? That would be stupid and wouldn't be true faith.

I didn't know what to feel about that. It certainly left a very bitter taste of Christianity in my mouth and now every word I utter has to be screened through whether it will be fired back at me religiously.

Should I feel angry at her stupidness or how her words stung me personally?

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I haven't been completely honest. I suspect that my parents are actually very worried and concerned over my disbelief. There is this gut feeling that they are just hiding their feelings very well and that indignant and frustration can unexpectedly bubble up to the surface where I am caught off guard. There was once I was joking with my mum about my dad always calling himself 'head of the house' and that Asian culture expects full subordination to fathers where she suddenly said "if you believe whatever he says why don't you believe in God".

 

I was shocked that she could go from laughter to seriousness in less than a second (and this joke has been recurring many times after my deconversion announcement). I was more upset than shocked because I always saw her as an intelligent person. Did she really think that she could reconvert me on the basis that my father is a Christian? That would be stupid and wouldn't be true faith.

 

I didn't know what to feel about that. It certainly left a very bitter taste of Christianity in my mouth and now every word I utter has to be screened through whether it will be fired back at me religiously.

 

Should I feel angry at her stupidness or how her words stung me personally?

It's easy to jump straight to anger when dealing with the christian mentality.  Sometimes it's helpful; most times it's not.  I've found that staying cool under fire is the most effective way of dealing with christians (or, more accurately, the least ineffective way).  I wouldn't get angry over this situation.  Rather, I'd hint around that maybe mommy dearest shouldn't be so content, herself, at being under the thumb of someone else.  Give her that little tasty morsel to chew on and maybe you'll soon find an ally in your deconversion process.

[Orbit]

Welcome to the forums!

[Ellinas]

I haven't been completely honest. I suspect that my parents are actually very worried and concerned over my disbelief. There is this gut feeling that they are just hiding their feelings very well and that indignant and frustration can unexpectedly bubble up to the surface where I am caught off guard. There was once I was joking with my mum about my dad always calling himself 'head of the house' and that Asian culture expects full subordination to fathers where she suddenly said "if you believe whatever he says why don't you believe in God".

 

I was shocked that she could go from laughter to seriousness in less than a second (and this joke has been recurring many times after my deconversion announcement). I was more upset than shocked because I always saw her as an intelligent person. Did she really think that she could reconvert me on the basis that my father is a Christian? That would be stupid and wouldn't be true faith.

 

I didn't know what to feel about that. It certainly left a very bitter taste of Christianity in my mouth and now every word I utter has to be screened through whether it will be fired back at me religiously.

 

Should I feel angry at her stupidness or how her words stung me personally?

 

Sounds like she - and probably both of them - are looking for an opening of any sort to challenge your unbelief.  She saw this (albeit without thinking it through) as a point of weakness at which she could aim.

 

The Prof is correct - showing anger is unlikely to help, so far as I can judge from current information.  On the other hand, a little private indignation is entirely understandable.  Do not, however, doubt the power of religion to make the most intelligent behave with crass stupidity.  I know university lecturers who believe this nonsense, and who would happily seek to twist any comment possible into an opportunity to evangelize.

[★ Citsonga ★]

Welcome.  Young and free of Christianity.  An enviable position.

 

This, a thousand percent! I wish I'd seen through the sham at such a young age, but 15 is when I jumped in over my head. I could have made far better decisions for my life if I hadn't been brainwashed with religious nonsense.

 

IGNYTE, good luck and enjoy the journey ahead of you!

[GoldenWolf]

Reading your testimony and looking back on my life, I now see church was also a place for me to socialise. I didn't really care about the sermons, I was more interested in my friends. Then one day my mum said God told her that the church was going downhill and we were going to another church (she knew the church was going downhill because it wasn't a secret that the church was failing financially, so I knew it was BS, even though I was religious at the time). 

Five years of friendships ripped away from me, all because of God. I was so upset about leaving that church (I still am, even after my de-conversion). I had so many good friends there and I hate my new church. I have no plans on making a bestie there, cause as soon as I'm able, I am never stepping foot in a church again.

The best I can do is get a FB and contact them since none of them really attend that church anymore. 

Thanks for sharing your story, best of luck to you.

[milesaway]

Welcome to the site! We all take different paths to get to where we are now, some are more common than others, but we all ended up here somehow. I actually grew up irreligious, but religion got its claws in me for a few years. Christendom wasn't kind to me at all, to say the least. In a way, I guess irreligiosity chose me in the end. 

 

The good news is, you get to spend the rest of your teen years free of religion. You've got some good critical thinking skills, and those are kryptonite to any cult leader or member who may try to recruit you and groom you for what's to come down the road. 

[mymistake]

Welcome to ex-C, IGNYTE.  I'm glad you got out at such a young age.  Isn't it amazing how one answer fits all the questions but it is the one answer the Christians never want to consider?  "The whole thing is false".

[TrueFreedom]

Welcome, IGNYTE!  Congrats and freeing your mind at such a young age!  Try to be patient with your parents.  They must be worried about you and sad that you don't want to be a part of their tribe.