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Goodbye Jesus

My De-Conversion So Far


GoldenWolf

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(This might not be the best testimony ever written, I wrote it at 11pm as a result of a random writing burst. It's not the full story, but a brief look on how I got to where I am today.)

 

5 or so years ago my parents decided that we were going to church and we were going to live our lives as Christians. Only being 11 or 12 at the time, I didn’t have much choice, so off I went.

I should mention, when I was roughly 5 or 7, I did believe in a god and the devil, but I believed in god like I believed in Santa or the Easter Bunny. I wasn’t religious at all, but I was baptized as a baby - which I’m against because I didn’t get to have my own say, as I was only a child that didn’t have the capacity to comprehend life or a god. 

 

The first few years of my religious descent were all going pretty well. Like any new comer Christian, I had lots of questions, in which I was often referred to the Bible or was given the same old “I don’t know, you can ask god one day when you get into heaven.” I don’t know how I took that as a legitimate answer, but I did and carried on with building my faith and forming a relationship with a loving being that never spoke or showed themselves.

What makes me really cringe about my religious phase, was how judgmental I was. I would never have been so horrible if it weren’t for people in the church tearing others down like it was the norm. If someone had a different belief than me, I’d judge them. If someone tried debunking my beliefs, I would become butt hurt and quite defensive.

Still being 11 or 12, over time I had started to reach puberty (yes, this is relevant). The first time I hit puberty, I was petrified, my mum had never given me the puberty or sex talk so I had no clue what was happening. My mum only explained briefly, but soon bought me a book that had everything about being a girl, going through puberty.
I was quite fond of this book, it explained everything - then it came to a chapter all about love, crushes and sexuality. My mum had bought this book thinking it only talked about puberty, if she had read it through somehow and got another book, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten to where I am today.

The book explained everything about sexuality, only briefly, but it was enough knowledge for me to take in. I remember thinking to myself, if I never worked out with men, I wouldn’t mind settling with a woman. I sat for hours, who out of my group of female friends I wouldn’t mind dating, realizing that I did find a few of them really pretty in a way I’d never thought about before.

Then one church service, someone was giving a sermon and briefly touched on how same-sex attraction was wrong. This hit a nerve and I tried my best to suppress it, eventually, I did and it was never brought up again.

Few years down the line, it’s roughly April 2014, my faith is strong, but I also start to uncover my feelings for girls (as well as boys). It was very tough for me, I prayed every night for these feelings to go away. I was once home alone and I began talking to this god figure out loud, telling him if he knew this was going to happen, and it was supposedly wrong, why did he make me like this? I was frustrated and upset, tears were shed as I angrily rambled out at god, coming to the conclusion that this is who I was and if he didn’t like it, he can stick it.

I eventually found peace about being Christian and bisexual, I even became a huge LGBTQ+ supporter, but not openly due to my homophobic and religious parents. One night, during dinner, my mum started bashing homosexuality, saying men and women were made for each other and two men or two women was just plain wrong. Luckily, I had almost finished my dinner, and as soon as I did, I ran straight to the bathroom to cry. My depression and anxiety had never been so bad, I was crushed to hear those things come from my own mother. I had thought numerous times about coming out to them, but that was the final straw, I never want to come out to them - ever.

Then about a month ago, I started thinking about what I actually believed in. A lot of things that had to do with Christianity I disagreed with. I was less judgmental and the Bible had a lot of things that made me question god’s morality. I then decided to be agnostic, start with a clean slate and decide what I believe in from there. 

 

I am still uncertain about what I believe in. I just know I don’t want anything to do with the Biblical god, real or not and if there is a higher power, they’re probably not intervening at all and they better live up to a good standard for me to even consider worshiping the ground they walk on.

I am still not out to my parents, regarding to my sexuality or de-conversion. I’m afraid I don’t trust them enough to respond well to either. I don’t want any form of Bible thumping that might drive me back to keeping to myself and not sharing how I feel.

 

So far I’ve accepted myself, but so far I am unsure if others will accept me. 

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Welcome GoldenWolf and thank you for sharing your story. Even though each of our stories vary a bit, it always seems that the same 'main theme' runs through each new post for us who admit to our doubts about the christian bible.. The fear of being different always seems to appear to me. Just rejecting the christian god makes you very different from the whole world of christianity. I mean, how dare we question the god of the bible? Are we that arrogant and smart? Yes, we are hon and it will make a lot of people almost question your sanity. 

 

Welcome to the world of 'deep thinkers' my friend.  Welcome to the world in which you can love both the human speices, man or woman. But that won't be so accepted to the 'normal' world'..This is where you might work very hard and gain a lot of confidence in yourself to allow yourself to be perfectly different than the rest of the world.  It was studying all the posts on Ex-c that finally gave me the confidence to be a non-believer. I am very quiet now about my beliefs but if someone wants to 'buck me', then I let 'r rip. I had the confidence to tell 2 mormons the other day to open their dear young eyes at what they are being taught. I sent them away, hopefully with something to think about. If you come to my door uninvited, then I'll speak up.

 

Keep posting sweetie. You're already well on your way. One of the first things you must get used to is that you will be rejected by many if you come out of the closet with all of this. The people who truly love you will accept you. But the most important thing is for you to accept you and it sounds like you're almost there. One very nice thing about being older is that you finally get to a point where it matters not if people approve of you or not.

 

When you run into trouble, you have a home now to come back to and rant here on Ex-c. We understand all you might go through during this transition of your life and someone is always here to help you through and validate you. I'm looking forward to hearing more from you!

 

Best of everything to you as you now embark on the journey of finding a new 'world view'.

 

Hug

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Welcome to ExC!

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Welcome to ExC, GoldenWolf. I enjoyed reading your extimony. You are fortunate to have seen through the religion at such a young age.

 

I am glad you have accepted yourself for who you really are. I cannot say whether or how those you know in real life will accept the real and important you, but I can promise that you are accepted on ExC.

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Well stated. Good luck with what sounds like a tough situation with your parents.

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Welcome.  It takes courage to face up to yourself when hemmed in by a culture of prejudice, and to accept yourself.  You've taken your first steps to a life that promises far greater fulfillment than you could ever find by swallowing whole the religion that you have been force fed.

 

Take your time.  You don't need to cause yourself unnecessary problems by immediate openness - better to take a tactical approach and bide your time.  As to what you do believe - no hurry in deciding that either.  Think, test everything and enjoy the ride.

 

And I don't think you'll have too much trouble being accepted by others.  A good starting point for a community that will accept you is this site.  Out there in the real world, you'll soon enough find out who amongst those around you are willing to accept - just be ready to walk away from those who are not so willing.

 

All the best.

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Thank you all for the support, signing up to Ex-C has got to be one of the best choices I've ever made. I look forward to sharing my journey with all of you :)

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Thanks for sharing! smile.png

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Hey GoldenWolf, welcome to the forum. I really hope your parents will come around. I have kind of the same situation: I'm bisexual as well and my dad's family are pretty conservative. They don't go on about it like your mom seems to, though. Would you be able to find a support group that would help you deal with your family's attitude?

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WELCOME, WELCOME!  I think that bisexuality is probably the most natural form of sexuality.  Glad to hear that you had some literature that affirmed all people, including you.  The angels smuggled in some life-giving words, in the hands of your mother.  "If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give."  George MacDonald.  Have courage!  Never give up!  If you are feeling hopeless or desperate, then reach out to others.  Trust others.  Even your parents!

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