My Head Is Still Spinning...

[yunea]

Hello, I just joined the forum.

 

First of all bear with me a bit, English is my second language so I may write a bit weird. 

 

Also, I guess my story isn't the most common one, but short version: I've peeked into Pentecostal Christianity, and a few other things after that, and I'm done asking is God/Jesus/the spiritual world/whatever there. That's not my question anymore. A bigger question is why should I want to serve it, when it's so contradictory and strange and I'm done telling myself to believe stuff "just in case". 

 

Born Lutheran but not really taught at home to be an active Christian in any way, I grew up thinking there may be something "up there" but I had no clue how to even really believe it, as in, really honestly think it hears my prayers, etc. I knew someone who was going to Pentecostal church even though she too was born Lutheran, and she started asking me to go along. I did. I saw speaking in tongues, I heard people say they had visions, they had strong experiences, they laughed, they cried. At some point I started wishing I could feel/do those things too, but I still had problems believing in God.

 

Fast forward into my first heartbreak at 16-ish, which I experienced with no self esteem anyway so I was convinced nobody would ever like me again. Add some prophecies about getting "guidance" and I was getting hooked. One night a group of people prayed for me and I got a prayer language.

 

Suddenly all was "real" to me. I saw evidence of God every-freaking-where. You know the deal I'm sure. Some old friends got angry with me, saying there was something really wrong with Christianity because it claims every other religion is Satan's lie, but I thought it was that way because.... uh, because it just somehow was that way. They also told me about all these really weird, violent and all kinds of strange bits in the Bible and I just somehow managed to tell myself it was all okay, it was all good, it was all divine love and if it didn't seem like it, I just didn't understand it yet, the Holy Spirit would explain it to me at some point...?!

 

It sounds so naive now. At least I can trust you guys here on this forum know how it is.

 

I was getting prophecies about how God would make a holy weapon out of me and use me more than my other Pentecostal friends. I got one of these prophecies right in front of those friends and they all heard it, from an older person who was super active at the church. Other people who didn't know her or me repeated the same prophecy.

 

All I was thinking was that I had a road paved into meaning in front of me and should of course follow it. No, run along it. I would mean something! I would have guidance instead of my confusion! I would get those cool visions and hear things in my head that people around me did! 

 

Except I never got visions or heard God's voice in my head, and I was starting to get told at church that something was off with that. I was supposed to have a vision, a prophecy for myself. I just plain didn't. Only other people seemed to ever have visions about my life, and they were elaborate, beautiful, meaningful, encouraging -- but they all happened sometime in the future.

 

Also I always had many problems with what was taught about being a sinful and crappy person. I mean I did feel crappy, unwanted, I was rejected and bullied at school every single day etc, but still, there was something I couldn't understand about all the sinning, the wrongdoing I was supposedly participating in all the time that was going to take me to hell. I wasn't a party person at all for example, I didn't want to be either. I didn't have piercings, I didn't cuss, I didn't smoke, I tried to be "good" in many ways even without God/the bible telling me to. I did have a problem with people telling me I should burn my old rock CD's and only listen to gospel, but even that didn't make me feel like I had evil in me. I hesitantly gave my CD's away, wondering if the evil in them would hurt future listeners.

 

I also had a health problem that seemed to go away. Basically lots of pain that I suddenly stopped feeling. I'll get back to that later. 

 

My friend who had originally invited me to Pentecost church never even got a praying language. Thinking back on it she probably was painfully jealous of how "fast" I "advanced", but didn't say it.

 

Anyhow I was forced to leave the church and leave it all behind for reasons I won't elaborate on right now, some things went horribly wrong and I couldn't stay there at all anymore, but what remained in my head was belief in God "just in case". 

 

Fast forward many years. I was a boring person who was neither actively Christian nor a popular party person, just a lonely nerd who was terrified of doing blasphemy despite not going to church. I got some Christian friends to whom I told parts of my story, and kept quiet to everyone else. 

 

After that I had some major crises in my life (again) and this is where I guess my path becomes different from many of yours. 

 

Despite having been warned about it countless times, I got into New Age. As I did I prayed to Jesus all the time so He'd "protect" me if I was doing something harmful to myself. You know the kind of New Age that has Jesus, arch angels, God, energy healing and whatever else in it, past lives, bits of this religion, bits of that, lots of superstition? I dove in, thinking I was clinging on to Jesus and getting to know him again at the same time. I was also going through severe burn-out, death in the family etc, and desperately needed something that'd give me reasons and explanations.

 

I discovered that energy healing gives you the same kind of peace and calmness that praying does. I got to know people who were "channeling" Jesus or Michael. I learned energy healing myself and started doing Tarot cards, that kind of thing. For a moment it all seemed to make a lot of sense to me. It seemed that the same healing energy was moving in the Pentecost church that was in reiki. It seemed that I had found what Pentecostals were talking about when they said that one should not be religious but instead have a personal, living relationship with God.

 

Speaking of that, around this time my health problem that was "healed" years earlier came back full-blown worse than ever. This time I went to a doctor, at least, and got it taken care of. I now have to think about it every day of my life but I manage it all right.

 

Fast forward again a couple years. I got really into this stuff. Way too into it. Eventually someone who claimed to be protected by Jesus and Michael channeled me some horrible advice, pretty much telling me that it was my only option. I got the same damn thing from other people too who also claimed they too were protected by Jesus, and I had not even asked them what I should do, they just shouted this stuff at me thinking it had to be done. I was even told my option would be getting murdered! Terrified, I followed my own heart and senses anyway, got a huge bunch of weird lies exposed, did get out of that goddamn mess alive (only barely, as I wanted to kill myself when I realised what I'd done, and almost done, to my life - and yes I see the irony, indeed I wanted to die after realising I could have died if I'd followed the channeled advice), and now I'm FINALLY DONE WITH THIS. 

 

The channelers even had the nerve to be angry with me for disagreeing with them.

 

I've said no to Jesus, God, the other side - they may NOT contact me, not personally, not through anyone else, not through "coincidences" or other "miracles". I've completely lost my trust that they're on my side. I know I prayed to Jesus all the time, trusting that He's the strongest of all and will lead me away if I'm going the wrong way.

 

I feel disgusted, used, despised by Jesus. Being his "weapon" sounds nauseating now. If it was him who "healed" me years ago by only taking my pain away, he actually did me harm in the long run because my health problem would have been able to be permanently dealt with then (providing things would have gradually gotten worse the way they had, and I'd have wound up at a doctor's office at some point) but now I have to live with it every day.

 

I'm also sick of thinking of sin/bad karma/plans of my soul/whatever guidance I must concentrate not to miss. Why is it that life is supposedly full of tests behind every corner and that the plans of God/my soul/yadda yadda are so elusive? And why is it that strict rules and really scary things and ideas that someone is not "clean" in their heart/chakras/etc are disguised in "pure, divine love"?

 

No. I don't care. It seems that they're a very manipulative bunch, Jesus/angels/devils/whoever, who care more about themselves and the wars they have with each other than the people they use as weapons. 

 

Even if my jesuses somehow got switched along the way and the New Age Jesus was a devil, it makes me want to deal with this stuff even less because I had no clue whatsoever it had happened. These days I also understand that the Bible is so disgusting, that if reading it is by some crazy chance the only damn way in the wide world to be "safe" in the "afterlife", I don't want it. I don't know what happens to me after I die, but I know I have a life to live.

 

It may also still be all in my head too, and my head is indeed spinning a lot after all this. I'm glad I have an excellent psychiatrist. I know I am very suggestible, I take hypnosis super easily and like to be lead on by people, and I know many of the things I have experienced in my life are due to that, they aren't even nearly supernatural to begin with. The pain removal may have been due to strong suggestion, but it was one I wouldn't have had without the church anyway. 

 

I am not claiming I know the absolute truths, rather I'm saying I understood I have no clue at all and got seriously hurt trying to find out even though I trusted in Jesus. Also, I'll now try and decide by myself what to make of my life, not waste any more of it seeking "guidance". 

 

I do feel better without all the "what if"s.

 

I guess I did have to find it all out for myself the hard way, being a stubborn old fool, but I feel like I've wasted a half of my goddamn life. And I feel awful knowing some people I love are walking down the same paths I did. 

[Overcame Faith]

Welcome to ExC, Yunea.

 

To begin with, your English is excellent!

 

It sounds like you really went through it. I am glad for you that you managed to escape it all. You went through Pentecostalism and a form of new age Christianity. To escape from all of that really speaks well of you. I can tell that you are a strong person.

 

Whatever your health problem is, I hope you have been able to get it under control - and from what you say, you seem to be getting it under control.

 

I am glad you found your way here. You will find freedom from Christianity and I only hope for you that you find true and lasting happiness.

 

Again, welcome here and I hope you will not hesitate to post many more times. I look forward to hearing more about you.

[Jeff]

Welcome. I think you'll find resources here to help settle some of your fears and concerns.

[TrueFreedom]

Welcome, yunea!  Those Christian sects can make a mess of things, can't they?  I'm happy for you that you have seen through it and decided to leave it behind.  Life makes much more sense outside of those crazy beliefs.

[Orbit]

Welcome!

[yunea]

Thank you so much, everyone!  

 

I'll definitely be reading more, and participating, too.

 

This was the first time I attempted to put it all together, and it did me a lot of good, but also some of those old thoughts tried to emerge afterwards - "heyyy, you wanted Jesus to lead you away if you're going the wrong way; now you're away from there, see what happeneeeeed?" but I answered myself with "no. Jesus wanted me to trust him and go to my destruction, it was ME who saved myself with my own choices that were against all the blessed advice. I don't believe that Jesus would have sent me away from himself as a form of love as he's supposed to be the WAY to salvation."

 

Despite winning that argument with myself, I'll definitely need those resources that Jeff mentioned.

 

TrueFreedom, yes, life makes more sense without it, even though for so long it seemed the opposite. It really gets weird in the long run to seek everywhere for hints of God's messages for you and then try to interpret them as he just doesn't speak clearly, neither in the Bible or in those signs. Nah, it's much less stressful to just live, and try to do some good to this poor dirtball with my own hands, through good science or something.

 

Overcame Faith, thank you, my health problem is in control all right. Thankfully it was never lethal to begin with (or I'd have been dead long ago with the symptom removal), it only causes crippling chronic pain if I don't pay attention to how I live, but now I've been *nearly* pain free for quite a while again without any meds. (Not that I oppose meds! I've had to use lots of meds for this thing, I'm just glad I don't currently need to.) And this time I know it's real and due to me doing the right things, not suggestion. 

 

I don't feel like a strong person though, because I've let so many people tell me what to do even if I saw no supporting evidence myself, thinking it was part of a larger "plan" that they saw better than I did. And I do feel a bit weak knowing I can̈́'t trust in larger plans anymore but instead find one for my own, and I can't yell out in my thoughts the good old "Jesus, protect me, I know you're the strongest!" to calm myself either.

 

But, maybe this place will help me get through this and come out stronger, trusting in myself more.  

 

Thanks again everyone and see you over at the threads!

[Margee]

 

 

But, maybe this place will help me get through this and come out stronger, trusting in myself more.

 

 

 

Welcome to Ex-c yunea! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I can relate to most of your story...getting involved with Pentecostals completely fucked up my life in many, many ways. I could even relate to you getting the 'prayer language' before your friend. I also received the ability to speak in tongues before my best friend who had already been involved for a very long time in Pentecostalism.  That's kind of funny now when I think back to it, eh yunea? My girlfriend just rationalized that god wanted to prove himself to me because I had already started to ask soooo many questions.

 

I came on this board four years ago and didn't have 2 clues what to trust anymore and with much hard work and the help of Ex-c, was able to deconvert myself and today I totally trust myself. It will happen for you. You just keep reading and studying and eventually you will allow no one else to 'take over' your life or your mind again. You will begin to trust yourself completely.

 

I'm so glad you are here with us! I look forward to hearing more from you!

 

This is the letter I wrote on EX-c when i first joined. Maybe it might help you understand that you are not alone in this! Big hug for you today!

 

 http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/#.VK-4PivF_y0

[Ellinas]

Welcome.

 

I had a brush with pentecostal style Christianity in the early 1980's - I got out pretty quick having realized that I needed to preserve my sanity (albeit that was a motivation to sending me into non-charismatic fundamentalism).  I consider that it speaks to the emotional side of our natures and encourages the emotive to take over our logical facilities.  It is good to give no credence to what makes no sense - and that is a decent place to start in terms of maintaining equilibrium in dealing with religious ideas.

 

Nothing wrong in not knowing the absolute truths - assuming that there are any to know; with patience you will, I think, emerge the stronger as you hope.  You'll find the main resource here is the people prepared to try to answer questions and offer support.

[yunea]

Thanks Margee, I read your letter and already commented there how it moved me. Big hugs back and thanks again. 

 

Heh, that IS pretty funny in a way that we both experienced the tongues before our friends who'd been involved longer. I'm not really sure how my friend rationalized this, she never was very open to me about it and I only much later realised it must have been difficult for her. I heard her get the "you're not accepting God's LOVE! ACCEPT IT!" thing a lot, as if it had been down to her after all that she wasn't getting gifts, which made me somehow... I don't know, "better" or "more open" or whatever since I knew how to accept?! Sigh.   The church really did a number in the heads of both me and her.

 

I've been reading the boards a lot and it's making me feel so many different things. I've shed tears and I've been angry. I both look forward to my life that's going to be free of all this superstition and also feel bad that I don't have a "rock of ages" to lean on. Not one from the bible anyway, or anyone who calls himself Jesus, for that matter. 

 

Ellinas, thank you

 

I think I agree that Pentecostalism appeals to our emotions. I know some things about hypnosis and how in trance, your normal way of criticism over what input you get is surpassed, and how people can go into trance through emotional agitation (in fact it's much easier that way than it is through relaxation). I think this goes hand in hand with what happens in Pentecost churches, with people being encouraged to dance, shout, feel God, not think but feel and BOOM you're on the floor laughing or something. 

 

I think there is a some kind of absolute truth about what the Universe is, but I also think humans are very limited and might as well never completely understand it, no matter how far science goes. And I'll have to be fine with that. It seems a much healthier way to think of the world anyway than to think that some human, any human, can somehow come to me and say they "know" how things are because some spirit/angel/other being that only they can communicate with told them. 

 

Thanks for the encouragements. This seems like a very good web community, I already realised I was partly expecting to be judged by my first post (ugh, some things are so deep rooted in me  ) but instead I feel welcome. I think this is a good step in me getting better. 

[Ellinas]

 

I think there is a some kind of absolute truth about what the Universe is, but I also think humans are very limited and might as well never completely understand it, no matter how far science goes. And I'll have to be fine with that. It seems a much healthier way to think of the world anyway than to think that some human, any human, can somehow come to me and say they "know" how things are because some spirit/angel/other being that only they can communicate with told them. 

 

 

I would not necessarily disagree with you; by and large, I find admitting my own ignorance and acknowledging the ignorance of others generally is a good place to start in thinking about these things...  You may wish to consider exploring any ideas you have on the Ex-C Spirituality forum.

[yunea]

Thanks Ellinas, I'll check out that forum. 

 

For so long I used to try and fit biblical God into what science had found out, told myself Genesis was a some kind of metaphor, yadda yadda. All kinds of excusing, over explaining, fooling myself. The usual "we have a weird fictional story here, now find all the evidence for it that you possibly can and make up some more, and you're good" stuff. 

 

Though I do have to say that to this day, I find the world is so strange and also funny (look at all the creatures living up trees, in the grass, at the bottom of the seas...!) that I'm not saying there can't be a some kind of force directing where animal and plant evolution is going. If there is one, it has a great sense of humour.