Orbit's Extimony

[Orbit]

When I first came to this site, I made a perfunctory, one paragraph extimony that really didn't tell my story. Some of my story came up in chat, and it was suggested that it might be useful to others, so I am posting it now. One of the reasons that I'm posting it is because when I first came to this site, none of the extmonies really reflected my experience as a liberal, mainline Presbyterian. The other reason will become clear.

 

I want to start by giving you just one glimpse into how the Bible was used in my childhood. I don't do this to say "boo-hoo my terrible childhood". I do this so that the lurkers can see what can happen to children as a direct result of Christianity, and also to make a point that is often lost: the Bible is a tool in the hands of the abuser, but it is also a tool to survive and resist abuse.

 

My dad was a drunk. When he was drunk, we would have to listen to him read the Bible. But not just any part of the Bible, just the parts about beating children "Spare the rod and spoil the child" and anything about obedience to parents "Honor thy father and mother". Then he would beat me (10 years old) with a leather belt until I had welts to make his point. The next day I would be told to put on shorts and go out to play. When I said I didn't want to because of all the red welts on my legs, I was told "you just tell people that's because you don't mind your parents". So embarrassment on top of abuse. One day my dad commanded me to beat my 3 year old brother with a leather belt because my brother had done something wrong and sins had to be punished. I refused, and took a beating myself. The Bible was used as a weapon to prove my guilt, and my worthlessness.

 

So what did I turn to to survive and resist this abuse? The Bible. "You are my rock and my hiding place"; "Suffer the little children to come into me", and all the verses about God helping the afflicted, the persecuted, and those who were treated unfairly. The Bible, and my faith helped me survive my childhood. It is for this reason that I won't make blanket statements like "The Bible is evil". The picture is more complicated than that.

 

As I reached high school, I had developed my own reading of the Bible, which centered on liberal, compassionate, hippie Jesus. I cherry-picked the parts of the Bible that made sense to me and ignored the rest. For example, I used Jesus' compassion to argue against the Biblical OT prohibition of homosexuality. I constructed a kinder, gentler Christianity and cherry picked my way to bliss for over 40 years. My Christianity was not incompatible with science; I didn't reject other faiths as heretical; and I compulsively studied comparative religion and anthropology, receiving a degree in anthropology from UCLA in 1991. None of what I studied shook my faith in any way. I had rationalized that what was in the Bible was from a different culture and time, was subject to translation problems and the politics of canonization. None of this shook my faith. So, you may ask: if evolution, homosexuality, and science didn't bother you as a Christian, why would you deconvert?

 

I deconverted because I wanted to know the truth about God.

 

I had spent years studying religions, mythology, archaeology, and culture in part looking for this answer. Where was God? Why didn't God answer prayer? Why didn't Jesus ever talk back? What was the nature of this God that I couldn't find? I studied Eastern religion, mythology, and Christian church history looking for the answer. I prayed hard, to no avail. God simply wasn't anywhere. My search for God led me to atheist websites, whose claims encouraged me to re-read the Book of Genesis. When I did, I encountered all the parts of the OT I had rejected, and I could no longer ignore the fact that they were there: the child rape, the genocide, the slavery, the cruelty, the intolerance.

 

These things were being used as the basis for a worldview that was spreading ignorance, denying science, causing human misery, and in the US threatening the separation of church and state. I also began to actively use my knowledge about history, anthropology, and science to evaluate the OT. I had simply ignored the contradictions before, as I didn't believe the Bible was literal, but understood it as myth. Even as myth, I found Genesis didn't contain any truths that I wanted to base my life on. As I rejected Genesis, the basis for the Christian worldview, I rejected Christianity. I could no longer support this religion called Christianity. I could no longer comfortably say "I am a Christian".

 

I spent the next four months reading everything about atheism and Bible history that I could find. I bashed Christians in the Lion's Den with gusto. I became, and still am, an atheist with respect to all mythic Gods and literal understandings of religion. And this brings me to the next part of my story, one that seldom gets told.

 

As an atheist, I still had spiritual feelings. No matter how rational I was, they wouldn't go away. I felt guilty being an atheist and having spiritual feelings. I had read that that was all "woo" and not to be trusted. But the feelings were real, and I couldn't deny them. I was afraid I was "backsliding into religion".

 

I found out that I wasn't. I was reclaiming my humanity. With the help of Antlerman in the spirituality forum, I sorted through these fears and came out the other side with a healthy spirituality that involves meditation. I learned that religion doesn't own the very real spiritual feelings humans have, which are just as natural as any other emotion. I learned to separate religion from spirituality, and that has made all the difference. I'm past railing at Christianity now, and have found my way forward. I hope that my story helps others, especially lurkers, who think there is something wrong with them because their story isn't typical. There is no one way to peace.

[lastphonecall95]

This is great, Orbit :-) I still have spiritual feelings too. Granted I'm not completely deconverted yet, but well on my way. More on that later.

[Deidre]

This is wonderful to read, orbit...so candid, and open. I appreciate you sharing it. I read something recently...'we are the journey.' I think that aptly explains how it often turns out, when we deconvert from Christianity...and set off to finding who we are, and how we see the world.

 

((hugs))

[Guest Furball]

 I bashed Christians in the Lion's Den with gusto. 

I wish i was there to read those posts....thanks for sharing orbit. -peace

[Deva]

We have all had problems with Christianity, that is what holds us together here. Orbit, I know you don't like me very much, but I just want to say that I sincerely appreciate this testimony.

[Overcame Faith]

Such a moving extimony, Orbit. It makes me want to hug the child who was beaten by her father and make sure she (you) knows that all fathers are not like that. Many of us have never and will never lay a violent hand on our children.

[Ellinas]

We're all struggling to get to where we are going - the realization of our own selves, our own humanity, where we fit into this reality.  It is seldom a straight-forward road.  You have described a path of progress - which should prove an encouragement to many.

[lastphonecall95]

Orbit,

 

Thanks for sharing your story. It's vitally important for people who are doubting or deconverting from Christianity to progress in the way that is right for them. If someone still has spiritual inclinations, denying that could hinder their progress. Imposing a totally atheist view upon someone -- or if someone adopts or confesses a totally atheist view due to some expectation or pressure -- can do more harm than good. The only genuine deconversion from Christian religion is an honest deconversion (at least to one's self). It is disingenuous for anyone to coerce, cajole, or otherwise manipulate another person to deny some real spiritual leanings that (deconverting) person may have.

 

My own deconversion lasted for nearly 12 years and ended at age 51. (I needed to be thorough so I would have no doubts or lingering ties to Christian religion.) I still have a sense of spirituality (a spiritual Humanism). I believe that a deconverting person needs to explore and understand whatever spirituality they experience, in order to have a healthy, successful, and fulfilling deconversion. Encouraging people to acknowledge their spirituality can make their departure from Christian religion less traumatic.

 

I'm sure your extimony will help other people in this regard.

 

Peace,

Human

[lastphonecall95]

^ Human, this is beautiful. Actually puts my mind at ease for what I feel I need to say in my own extimony.

[Margee]

Orbit, thank you so much for sharing your full story with us. I have been reading as much as I can of your posts (which I totally enjoy) and I can see now that you have come such a long way. It's wonderful to have you here with us. I personally can relate to your story in many ways. My sister and I got 'the belt' for other reasons. My dad was an alcoholic and it wasn't fun. The 'belt' was so accepted back then wasn't it? It was so normal to go to school and one of your friends would say, 'I got the 'belt' last night. I had to do a lot of work in the last while on healing my childhood issues. You have come a long way sweetie. You've got a 'voice' now of your very own-I can tell by reading your posts. I leave this little saying for you today cause it's sounds like where I am in my life. You go forward hon and take back all your power to become the wonderful individual that you are!!

 

Big Hug

[mymistake]

 

 

I found out that I wasn't. I was reclaiming my humanity. With the help of Antlerman in the spirituality forum, I sorted through these fears and came out the other side with a healthy spirituality that involves meditation. I learned that religion doesn't own the very real spiritual feelings humans have, which are just as natural as any other emotion. I learned to separate religion from spirituality, and that has made all the difference.

 

 

 

That is brilliant.  Spiritual feelings are natural.  Simply brilliant.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

In my grandma's hallway there are several rows of pictures--one row for each of her grandkids.  Each row contains our school pictures from every year from kindergarten to Senior year.  I look at my row every time I go back home. 

 

It fills me with horror and soul-wrenching anguish.

 

My kindergarten picture displays a little boy full of joy, hope and the excitment of life.  A boy with, not just a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, but with a "spark".  As I progress from year to year down my row, I can literally see that smile disappear.  I see a little less joy, a little less hope.  I see that "spark" diminishing in noticeable degrees from one year to the next.

 

Until I get to my Senior picture... 

 

The young man that stares out at me from behind those dead shark eyes is haunting.  A face so filled with anger, frustration, hopelessness, and depression.  That same expression never left my face for many years.

 

I almost cry when I look at the little boy in my kindergarten picture.  Because I know that I betrayed that little boy.  I didn't give him the life he deserved.  I didn't stand up for him, fight for him, or let him be himself in spite of what everyone else wanted him to be.  I'm only just now, in my forties, learning to let that little boy come out and play.

 

I will not allow Redneck Jr. to suffer the same fate.

 

I won't necessarily say I was abused physically--just a belt when I earned it.  But anybody with a rudimentary grasp of human psychology could look at those pictures and know that that little boy faced something dark and sinister during his childhood.  That is the psychological cost of childhood indoctrination.

 

I don't know why I felt like sharing this with you; but it felt good.

[Orbit]

 

 

 

I found out that I wasn't. I was reclaiming my humanity. With the help of Antlerman in the spirituality forum, I sorted through these fears and came out the other side with a healthy spirituality that involves meditation. I learned that religion doesn't own the very real spiritual feelings humans have, which are just as natural as any other emotion. I learned to separate religion from spirituality, and that has made all the difference.

 

 

 

That is brilliant.  Spiritual feelings are natural.  Simply brilliant.

 

MM I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not. What I mean is that religion hijacks our evolutionary predisposition to attribute agency, and our natural tendency to identify and connect with that, with what is larger than ourselves. The feeling is natural, but human societies have defined and associated it exclusively with religion, so people find it hard to separate the two things. Learning to separate the two just takes a bit of effort, and is well worth it. It's freeing.

[JadedAtheist]

Thanks for sharing, I know that a lot (most?) people who leave Christianity and are on this site tend to be 'die hard atheists' and this can be a little confronting to people who are not that way inclined. I think the most important thing for anyone is to have for themselves a healthy set of beliefs that helps them nurture themselves and help them grow and develop as a human being. Humans are complex, and there is no one size fits all solution. If one has a feeling for "something more" explore it, don't deny yourself. Likewise, don't feel bad if you aren't "spiritually minded".

[Joshpantera]

Outstanding... 

[Blood]

Great story, Orbit. You sound like an amazing person!

[lastphonecall95]

In my grandma's hallway there are several rows of pictures--one row for each of her grandkids. Each row contains our school pictures from every year from kindergarten to Senior year. I look at my row every time I go back home.

 

It fills me with horror and soul-wrenching anguish.

 

My kindergarten picture displays a little boy full of joy, hope and the excitment of life. A boy with, not just a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, but with a "spark". As I progress from year to year down my row, I can literally see that smile disappear. I see a little less joy, a little less hope. I see that "spark" diminishing in noticeable degrees from one year to the next.

 

Until I get to my Senior picture...

 

The young man that stares out at me from behind those dead shark eyes is haunting. A face so filled with anger, frustration, hopelessness, and depression. That same expression never left my face for many years.

 

I almost cry when I look at the little boy in my kindergarten picture. Because I know that I betrayed that little boy. I didn't give him the life he deserved. I didn't stand up for him, fight for him, or let him be himself in spite of what everyone else wanted him to be. I'm only just now, in my forties, learning to let that little boy come out and play.

 

I will not allow Redneck Jr. to suffer the same fate.

 

I won't necessarily say I was abused physically--just a belt when I earned it. But anybody with a rudimentary grasp of human psychology could look at those pictures and know that that little boy faced something dark and sinister during his childhood. That is the psychological cost of childhood indoctrination.

 

I don't know why I felt like sharing this with you; but it felt good.

Beautiful.

[mymistake]

 

 

 

 

I found out that I wasn't. I was reclaiming my humanity. With the help of Antlerman in the spirituality forum, I sorted through these fears and came out the other side with a healthy spirituality that involves meditation. I learned that religion doesn't own the very real spiritual feelings humans have, which are just as natural as any other emotion. I learned to separate religion from spirituality, and that has made all the difference.

 

 

 

That is brilliant.  Spiritual feelings are natural.  Simply brilliant.

 

MM I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not. 

 

 

Not.  Not sarcastic at all.

 

 

What I mean is that religion hijacks our evolutionary predisposition to attribute agency, and our natural tendency to identify and connect with that, with what is larger than ourselves. The feeling is natural, but human societies have defined and associated it exclusively with religion, so people find it hard to separate the two things. Learning to separate the two just takes a bit of effort, and is well worth it. It's freeing.

 

 

Yes.  I am drawn to elegant descriptions that outline the big picture without getting bogged down with too many details.  (Of course there are plenty of people who like it the other way.  To each their own.)  I find simplicity makes it easy to remember and incorporate so I am grateful to you and Antlerman for sharing.

 

 

Spiritual feelings are perfectly natural.

[Tsathoggua]

Fantastic and inspirational story! Thanks for sharing.

[Leo]

Orbit,

 

That was clearly brave. Thanks for sharing this. It's never easy to out with things from the childhood like this. I'm sorry, because I imagine as you wrote it you felt some of it all over again.

 

I can appreciate your way of dealing with the faith issue: strange how we return to the very Bible the very god, that was represented by the abuser. More common than not, I think.

 

I think it's wonderful you've found a way to express your very real human spirituality, as you call it. I don't know what I call it for me yet, though I do like Human's "spiritual humanism." You're right, lots of the 'hard' atheist types tend to be just as dogmatic as the fundamentalist Christians.

There's an author, Dan Barker, who touches on this also. His background was more evangelical, but he writes about this some.

 

Anyhow, it took guts to write this. It was very poignant. Clearly not an easy task.

 

Leo

[★ Citsonga ★]

In my grandma's hallway there are several rows of pictures--one row for each of her grandkids.  Each row contains our school pictures from every year from kindergarten to Senior year.  I look at my row every time I go back home. 

 

It fills me with horror and soul-wrenching anguish.

 

My kindergarten picture displays a little boy full of joy, hope and the excitment of life.  A boy with, not just a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, but with a "spark".  As I progress from year to year down my row, I can literally see that smile disappear.  I see a little less joy, a little less hope.  I see that "spark" diminishing in noticeable degrees from one year to the next.

 

Until I get to my Senior picture... 

 

The young man that stares out at me from behind those dead shark eyes is haunting.  A face so filled with anger, frustration, hopelessness, and depression.  That same expression never left my face for many years.

 

I almost cry when I look at the little boy in my kindergarten picture.  Because I know that I betrayed that little boy.  I didn't give him the life he deserved.  I didn't stand up for him, fight for him, or let him be himself in spite of what everyone else wanted him to be.  I'm only just now, in my forties, learning to let that little boy come out and play.

 

I will not allow Redneck Jr. to suffer the same fate.

 

I won't necessarily say I was abused physically--just a belt when I earned it.  But anybody with a rudimentary grasp of human psychology could look at those pictures and know that that little boy faced something dark and sinister during his childhood.  That is the psychological cost of childhood indoctrination.

 

I don't know why I felt like sharing this with you; but it felt good.

 

That was very beautifully put. I think that should be a thread of its own.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

 

In my grandma's hallway there are several rows of pictures--one row for each of her grandkids.  Each row contains our school pictures from every year from kindergarten to Senior year.  I look at my row every time I go back home. 

 

It fills me with horror and soul-wrenching anguish.

 

My kindergarten picture displays a little boy full of joy, hope and the excitment of life.  A boy with, not just a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, but with a "spark".  As I progress from year to year down my row, I can literally see that smile disappear.  I see a little less joy, a little less hope.  I see that "spark" diminishing in noticeable degrees from one year to the next.

 

Until I get to my Senior picture... 

 

The young man that stares out at me from behind those dead shark eyes is haunting.  A face so filled with anger, frustration, hopelessness, and depression.  That same expression never left my face for many years.

 

I almost cry when I look at the little boy in my kindergarten picture.  Because I know that I betrayed that little boy.  I didn't give him the life he deserved.  I didn't stand up for him, fight for him, or let him be himself in spite of what everyone else wanted him to be.  I'm only just now, in my forties, learning to let that little boy come out and play.

 

I will not allow Redneck Jr. to suffer the same fate.

 

I won't necessarily say I was abused physically--just a belt when I earned it.  But anybody with a rudimentary grasp of human psychology could look at those pictures and know that that little boy faced something dark and sinister during his childhood.  That is the psychological cost of childhood indoctrination.

 

I don't know why I felt like sharing this with you; but it felt good.

 

That was very beautifully put. I think that should be a thread of its own.

 

Maybe, but in which forum?

[★ Citsonga ★]

 

That was very beautifully put. I think that should be a thread of its own.

 

Maybe, but in which forum?

 

I'd suggest Ex-Christian Life, or if you feel that it's more of a rant, then Rants and Replies.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

 

 

That was very beautifully put. I think that should be a thread of its own.

 

Maybe, but in which forum?

 

I'd suggest Ex-Christian Life, or if you feel that it's more of a rant, then Rants and Replies.

 

I'm thinking if I can get my hands on the actual photos next time I make the run back home, and add them along with the narrative, that would add to the impact.

[★ Citsonga ★]

Obit, thanks for sharing your extimony. I enjoyed reading it and had one-upped it, but I want to also express my appreciation for it in a post.