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Goodbye Jesus

Oops, I Did It Again


StarGazer

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So I'm 16 years old, which I'd guess would be the age most people would move away from religion. Not in my case. I was raised Catholic and believed it all. I didn't really doubt it. Went to a Catholic School, Church every week and I enjoyed all the stories in the Bible (Obviously the 'family friendly' ones like Noah's Ark..which isn't really family friendly in hindsight). But around the time I stepped into teenage-hood, something just happened. I can't recall the exact moment, but something just didn't seem right. The Westboro Baptist Church may have had a part in it, that and my emerging sexuality. Feeling like I'd be hated for something out of my control just seemed bizarre to me. Again, it's just speculation as I honestly can't remember.

 

The only time in this period I prayed was last April when my friend was feeling suicidal. Seeing as how he lived through the night, I took this as a sign God existed, but that's dubious, seeing as how my friend has attempted suicide since then. 

 

So up until September 2014, I was a generally satisified Agnostic. I never really put too much deep thought into the whole 'What happens after Death' question, and just wrote off religions as mumbo-jumbo. That changed on one 'fateful' night.

 

I was in the park with my friend and the topic of religion came up. My friend, at the time, was an Agnostic like myself, but he'd acquired himself several religious friends. He was talking about a video he'd watched for Islam. He was already worried about Death, seeing as how he's suicidal and all, so I suppose feeling there was a Heaven to go comforted him. 

 

Me: There's no proof that any of the religions are true

Friend: You can say that, but you're not dead yet. What if you die and wake up in Hell?

 

Boom. Impact made. For the rest of the night, I was terrified. I watched videos on Hell, which provided no comfort. So much was my terror that I vomited a couple of times. I felt like nobody could provide me with any comfort. I was a wreck.

 

I did what most people would- turn to God. As I lay in bed that night, I prayed. I begged for him to show me the way, for him to guide me and to spare me from whatever punishment was waiting for me (Reading this back makes me realize how crazy it all seemed, but at the time I was frightened). When I prayed, I felt happy inside. A warmth going through me, hope.

 

From that night on, I was praying every night. It'd usually be for my family or friends or people in the world. I'd usually end each prayer with:

 

"And as always, I pray for guidance, peace, tolerance, forgiveness, love and hope in the world".

 

I was a pretty big believer in God. Though I had no official religion to go back to (I was daunted by all the choices) I decided to leave that up to God (Cringe..)

 

I prayed, asking which religion I should return to. I felt like I was being pushed towards Christianity, and that sealed the deal for me. I was a Christian once more.

 

It was about mid-October at this point and I felt like I had to go back to Church. I hadn't gone in a good three years and the prospect of returning was intimidating. My family weren't religious (Though my mum denies this with an adamant "You don't have to go to Church to be Catholic!") so going with them was entirely out of the question. Eventually, I just decided to bite the bullet and go (Admist the taunts of my family). 

 

My Church is a nice place and I'll bet some people raised an eyebrow at seeing me back there. I sat in a far corner and I just watched. It was a beautiful sermon and the Priest is a lovely man. His services would make anybody want to believe. Despite the teasing I got from my family, I felt happy going.

 

I kept my new found religion mostly private, and went to Church a second time the following week. By this point, I was fully believing in God, with very little doubts. 

 

Then, at some point in November, doubt was placed back into my mind. I found a list called '50 REASONS GOD DOESN'T EXIST'. I read, and son of a gun, the points raised made sense to me. I couldn't deny how they made me question my faith. But certain I was feeling a presence, I continued to pray. Those prayer sessions were lifeless and empty. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. Within a week, I'd slipped back into my Agnosticism.

 

Things were quiet up until late December. Yet again, I found myself desperately praying for my suicidal friend. But then on Christmas Eve, I prayed seriously.  Thinking of my friend's words (The one who'd gotten into Religion and who is now religious, but Muslim) I decided to give prayer a try one last time. 

 

I questioned God why he was so vague, why he let me doubt him. I asked him to prove it to me (My Friend had told me 'God showed his presence by shaking the room') by knocking over a cup of my desk. Nothing. I asked him to shake the room. Nothing. Feeling impatient, I fell asleep, more convinced than ever that God isn't real. At least the Christian version of God.

 

I'd describe myself as an Agnostic Humanist, as helping others is what should be my top priority. I think religions are flawed, but I can still find beauty and wisdom within them. Some Bible verses, some Quran verses, fill me with hope and gratitude. But then I read about the Plagues on Egypt, the Moon Splitting Miracle, Noah's Ark, the talking Donkey, the talking Ants and many other fantastical stories, I just think...the good doesn't out-weigh the ridiculous

 

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Goodbye Jesus

Thanks for sharing. Welcome to ExC!

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Welcome to ExC, StarGazer.

 

I enjoyed your extimony. Don't let the back and forth between religion and leaving religion concern you. It happens to many people. Just always seek the truth and carefully examine the evidence without the lens of faith clouding your judgment.

 

Glad you're here and hope to hear more from you.

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Welcome.

 

I hope you have found - or will find - a position that gives you a sense of security and stability; no shame in changing your mind a few times along the way.

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