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Goodbye Jesus

Announcing The Brother Jeff Version Of The Bible! Glory!


Brother Jeff

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Hey there my brothers and sisters in Kryasst, the Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him has magically inspired me to create my own Bible translation! Glory! It will feature verses such as these:

 

 

In the beginning, the Holy Farter magically created the universe and our flat world by speaking a powerful magical spell from Nowhere. (Genesis 1:1)

 

 
For the Holy Farter so loved the flat world that He sacrificed Himself to Himself to save us from Himself so that whosoever believes the Glorious Bullshit about Kryasst shall not perish but have a second magical eternal life in the Sky Kingdom after this life is over. (John 3:16)

 

 

 
I have been crucified on the big giant stick with Kryasst and I no longer live, but Kryasst magically lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by magical thinking about the Holy Farter’s Son who is also somehow magically Him, who made love to me and Croaked in the Spook for me. (Galatians 2:20)

 

 


But what does it say? “The word is near you, in your mouth and in your farts” (that is, the word of magical thinking that we proclaim); because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lard and believe in your farts that the Holy Farter magically undeadened him, you will be slaved. For with farts one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses the glorious bullshit about Kryasst and is slaved. (Romans 10:8-10)
 

 

 

Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. 46 And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is, “Sky Me, Sky Me, why have you forsaken me?” 47 And some of the bystanders, hearing it, said, “This man is calling Elijah.” 48 And one of them at once ran and took a rolling paper, filled it with some weed, and gave it to him to smoke. 49 But the others said, “Wait, let us see whether Elijah will come to save him.” 50 And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice and Croaked in the Spook.
 
51 And behold, the curtain of the temple was magically torn in two, from top to bottom. And the flat earth magically shook, and the rocks were magically split. 52 The tombs also were magically opened. And many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were magically raised, 53 and coming out of the tombs after his magical undeadening they went into the holy city and appeared to many and scared the shit out of them. 54 When the centurion and those who were with him, keeping watch over Jesus, saw the magical earthquake and what magically took place, they were filled with awe and said, “Truly this was the magical Sky Son of the Holy Farter!” (Matthew 27:45-54)

 

 


Take no part in the unfruitful works of the Talking Snake’s diabolical magic darkness, but instead expose them. 12 For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. 13 But when anything is magically exposed by the Lard’s glorious magical light, it magically becomes visible, 14 for anything that magically becomes visible is magically light. Therefore it says,
 
“Awake, O sleeper,
and magically undeaden yourself,
and Kryasst will magically shine on you.”
 
15 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the best use of the time, because the days are filled with the Talking Snake’s magical diabolical evil. 17 Therefore do not believe foolish shit or behave foolishly, but understand what the magical Sky Will of the Lard is. 18 And do not get plastered drunk with wine, for that pisses Jesus off, but be magically filled with the Spook of Kryasst, 19 addressing one another in glorious psalms and hymns and spiritual songs about the Magic Sky Man, singing and making melody to the Lard with your farts, 20 giving thanks always and for everything to the Holy Farter in the name of our Lard and Slaver Jesus Kryasst, 21 submitting to one another out of Sky Love for Kryasst. (Ephesians 5:11-21)

 

 

 
In the beginning was the Word (the Magic Sky Man), and the Word (the Magic Sky Man) (who was also somehow magically the Holy Farter) was with the Holy Farter although they were also somehow magically Each Other, and the Word (the Magic Sky Man) somehow magically was the Holy Farter. The Magic Sky Man and the Holy Farter somehow magically existed together as separate Persons though they were somehow magically Each Other simultaneously in Nowhere before anything at all was magically created. All things were magically made through the Magic Sky Man when He spoke a powerful magical spell from Nowhere, and without his gloriously powerful Sky Magic was not any thing magically made that was magically made. (John 1:1-3)

 

 

 

 

 

 


I can of mine own self do nothing: as He farts, I fart: and my farting is holy; because I seek not mine own farts, but the farts of the Farter which hath sent me. (John 5:30) 

 

 

 

Rejoice in the Lard always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness about the absurd bullshit you believe be known to everyone. The Lard has a giant Sky Hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by talking to yourself and an Invisible Magic Sky Man and supplication with thanksgiving in your farts let your requests for shit be made known to the Holy Farter. 7 And the magical Sky Peace of the Holy Farter, which magically surpasses all understanding, will magically guard your farts and your minds in Kryasst Jesus. (Phil. 4:4-7) 

 

 

 

I'm planning to do the New Testament first and then the Old Testament later. It is going to be a lot of work, but so much fun!

 

Thoughts? Would you purchase such a glorious translation of the Bible? Thanks and Glory!

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Goodbye Jesus
Thoughts? Would you purchase such a glorious translation of the Bible? Thanks and Glory!

 

I\Yes, I certainly would. Your translation of the Bible is entertaining, so I imagine it would be worth the money. GONZ9729CustomImage1539775.gif

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If you could get an editable version of the bible (Word format or similar) then you could use the find and replace feature to do a lot of the replication up front.  It would get the wording corrected but of course it would still need to have the meaning clarified in your unique way to help us truly understand the holy word.

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I'd be intrested in helping if ud like I've n eye for detail

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I don't know what it means, but I can't stop laughing.

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Professional proofreader/word processor here. If you do a replace all, you'll still need to check the changes. 

 

And yeah, I'd totally buy this book. 

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Thanks for your input, everybody. I got Matthew and Mark translated yesterday, and today I'll be working on Luke and John. I'm using biblegateway.com and doing my writing in MS Word. I'm using the KJV since it's public domain and I'm modifying that in my own glorious way. Glory! :)

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We could hand out free copies at local churches

 

Yes, absolutely! Glory! yelrotflmao.gif

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Here is the glorious translation so far. I have completed the gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke.

 

The NT BJV.pdf

 

Feedback appreciated! Glory!

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Your use of English keeps some of the poetry of the KJV, but you've used plain enough English to expose the gospels as worse than pulp fiction. Still, I think it's possible to convey even more meaning while keeping the tone. For example, Matthew 8:34 says, "And, behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus: and when they saw him, they besought him that he would depart out of their coasts." If you were the farmer whose hogs Jesus had just turned into fish food, wouldn't you be pissed? The verse might go, "And behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus: and when they saw him, they yelled at him to get on his boat and leave them and their livestock the fuck alone." 

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Please make more! Who else would buy it? I would!

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Guest Furball

The verse might go, "And behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus: and when they saw him, they yelled at him to get on his boat and leave them and their livestock the fuck alone." 

That version of yours is at least more truthful to reality than what the bible says

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This gave me a good laugh:

 

As the Sky Me knoweth me, even so know I the Sky Me because I am the Sky Me. We are somehow magically Each Other: and I lay down my life for the sheep. (John 10:15 BJV)

 

Glory!

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I have finished the gospels! Glory! Here's the latest file:

 

The NT BJV.pdf

 

Glory!

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Given the reputation Brother Jeff has around here, I think Ex-C has had this corrected version of the Buy-Bull coming.

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Your use of English keeps some of the poetry of the KJV, but you've used plain enough English to expose the gospels as worse than pulp fiction. Still, I think it's possible to convey even more meaning while keeping the tone. For example, Matthew 8:34 says, "And, behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus: and when they saw him, they besought him that he would depart out of their coasts." If you were the farmer whose hogs Jesus had just turned into fish food, wouldn't you be pissed? The verse might go, "And behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus: and when they saw him, they yelled at him to get on his boat and leave them and their livestock the fuck alone." 

I'll think about it, but my first inclination is to leave the stories pretty much as they are. Thanks. :)

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Human, I really appreciate your enthusiasm for this glorious project! Glory! woohoo.gif jesus.gif yellow.gif

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I have completed the book of Colossians!

 

Colossians.pdf

 

Glory!

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Some gems:

 

Eph. 5:11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of the Talking Snake’s diabolical magic darkness (very powerful)

Phil. 4:5 Let your reasonableness about the absurd bullshit you believe be known to everyone. (they most certainly do)

From the Colossians pdf Ch.1:4 Since we heard of your magical thinking about Kryasst Jesus... (it's funny because it goes on in such a serious tone)

 

QUESTION: Why do you sometimes say Farter and sometimes Sky Me for God? 

 

Examples:

 

Gen. 1:1 In the beginning, the Holy Farter magically created the universe and our flat world by speaking a powerful magical spell from Nowhere.  (KJV In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.)

 

vs

 

John 10:15 As the Sky Me knoweth me, even so know I the Sky Me because I am the Sky Me. We are somehow magically Each Other: and I lay down my life for the sheep. (KJV As the Father knoweth me, even so know I the Father: and I lay down my life for the sheep.)

 

 

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I can't wait for romans and galatians

 

 Here's Romans!

 

The Book of Romans.pdf

 

Glory!

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Some gems:

 

Eph. 5:11 Take no part in the unfruitful works of the Talking Snake’s diabolical magic darkness (very powerful)

Phil. 4:5 Let your reasonableness about the absurd bullshit you believe be known to everyone. (they most certainly do)

From the Colossians pdf Ch.1:4 Since we heard of your magical thinking about Kryasst Jesus... (it's funny because it goes on in such a serious tone)

 

QUESTION: Why do you sometimes say Farter and sometimes Sky Me for God? 

 

Examples:

 

Gen. 1:1 In the beginning, the Holy Farter magically created the universe and our flat world by speaking a powerful magical spell from Nowhere.  (KJV In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.)

 

vs

 

John 10:15 As the Sky Me knoweth me, even so know I the Sky Me because I am the Sky Me. We are somehow magically Each Other: and I lay down my life for the sheep. (KJV As the Father knoweth me, even so know I the Father: and I lay down my life for the sheep.)

 

Context! And humor... in John, Jesus frequently prays to the sky version of himself or refers to the Sky Him otherwise, so that' why. It's funny for Jesus to refer to the Holy Farter version of himself as the Sky Me! :)

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Its good but lacks full concepts e.g re-invent the story around the context. Like was said previously about farmers telling Jesus to go fuck. Genieologies could be rewritten to say ' Lots of Incest from Adam to pantera then Mary fuckedva soldier and Jesus was born'. See what were getting at

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Brother Jeff,

 

Please forgive my delay in posting. I absolutely love that you are writing the "correct" version of the Bible. I can't wait to read the whole thing. You are obviously imbued with the Holy Spook which is magically the Holy Farter and the Sion which is magically the same..

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