Lost In The Haze Of Doubts

[Lost]

Hello everyone!

 

I know that this forum is specially for ex-christians or people in the process of de-converting, but I hope that my post will find its place here.

 

I just want to share with You my story of struggle in the haze of doubts, where I'm writing in general about my crisis of faith. Maybe one day I will be motivated enough to write my story in much more detailed version.

 

Thank U for your attention

 

 

I'm the only one person in my family, who actually is waiting for fullfilling Bible prophecies and in the same time is obsessed with knowledge acquisition about religions, belief systems and anti-theism. I'm emotionally devoted to Jesus, I was building my whole personality on Him, especially after my mum's death when I was 9. I think that His example will be useful for me in my Nursing Career (I'm at the second year of studies). I believe that the occupation we choose influence our personality and behavior of our collegues from work.

Very often from that time and now as I am 21 years old I imagine myself obsessively how my life would look life if I was brought up in science-based family, not in non-orthodox Catholic family, where everybody follows tradition instead of openly admit that they are non-believers. You know, discovering Bible prophecies about second coming of Jesus Christ, biblical view on Christianity made me and still makes me feel special among my family members and fellow men. And makes me stay at my local church. But to be honest people there are not so well educated and they follow stereotypes of the world of science.

They do not spend so many time as me on the Internet, looking at different kinds of articles, debates among believers and unbelievers in English. I'm surrounded mostly by Catholics who don't know why they follow, what they follow and they accept evolution as Catholic Church does and they probably do not know why or...by people who just do not talk about their beliefs-live on their own.

 

I can't call myself a doubter with crisis of faith, because I have enough faith to share the Gospel, pray for spiritual revival and has a big desire in heart to see miracles in daily life and in life of society.

But in the same time it's hard to live among Catholics, who do not care about reading Bible, but understand somehow science and live among people at the church, who understand Bible very well, but are afraid of some science discoverties or can't explain them in such way as I would be satisfied.

 

I do not want to fear science to the end of my life (and studying it alone in the front of the Internet with obsession in mind) and in the same time I've got this desire from lonely childhood as motherless daughter to meet Jesus Christ, King of Kings and hold Him, saying I'm at home.

 

I'm in the process of creating a screenplay. Actually I have been creating it in my mind for almost 5 years in my life- 3 stories, but most focusing on one story where a centre is Speakers Corner in London.

But I'm obsessively afraid that if I would go to such place and start debating with people I would totally loose my whole personality in the jungle of arguments. I would think that there somewhere is a final argument that is going to decide should I stay a believer or not...and this is the most destructive thought.

 

I know basic arguments from Atheists and Believers, but there somewhere inside of me is obsession that I actually do not know everything what I should know from both sides to make a final decision about my life.

I have this strange impression that for past 3 years from my conversion from Catholicism to Biblical Christianity I was mostly focusing on collecting various arguments from different belief systems and anti-theists (of course on conspiracy theories too) to my screenplay than on my relationship with Jesus Christ and I am in the point where I'm actually do not understand whole concept of theory of evolution.

 

I feel so terrible with myself and with all those information that came to my mind for past almost 5 years since I first time got the Internet connection 

 

And what's more, people from my family and from studies focus mostly on relationships, making love and giving birth to children and ask me, why I'm not the same?

 

But how can I be like others if my brain is in such a mess?

 

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Welcome, Lost.  It definitely sounds like your mind is a jumble of confusion wrapped in obsession.  Relax and rest for a while.  It's not necessary to decide right now what your life should be.

 

I would advise, though, given that you are still a believer, that you read the Terms of Service carefully, so as not to inadvertently break any rules.

[Ellinas]

O.K....

 

This is not an easy one to answer.  You seem to be saying that you identify as a Christian - even want to be a Christian.

 

But, i would take it, that your search through other beliefs and arguments indicates that you are not entirely comfortable with that religion.

 

Firstly, I will say nothing to seek to push you one way or another.  Your religion is your affair; if you have a specific issue in this context with which I consider I can help, then I will address that issue.  But you must decide for yourself what you believe.

 

Secondly, remember that no-one can be sure that what they believe today is what they will believe tomorrow.  "I conceive of nothing, in religion, science or philosophy that is more than the proper thing to wear for a while" [Charles Fort]

 

Thirdly, remember that most here have known doubt, confusion, even a desire to be a Christian during times of doubt

 

Fourthly, take your time.  You are right to read, think, weigh up.  Even sorting out the tangled web of your thoughts is something for which there is no hurry.  Aim to look for the positions with which you are comfortable, that seem to make sense.  But don't pretend that any decision is final - tomorrow things may seem very different.

 

Finally, good luck, be honest with yourself, and whatever you do, don't try to evangelize anyone here.  If you ask honest questions, you will likely receive sympathetic answers.  Be open minded, not dogmatic.  And take the Professor's advice, above.

[Overcame Faith]

Welcome to ExC, lost.

 

I can so identify with your online name. I, too, felt so lost for so long. Many others on ExC have felt that way or are feeling that way now.

 

You must find your own way, of course. Do you have any particular issues you would like to discuss? If so, please share them. I know that a time of doubts can be so difficult. Share them if you wish and many on here will try to help you.

[mymistake]

My heart goes out to you Lost.  I hope you find what you need. 

[RipVanWinkle]

Lost: I will tell you what question I asked myself that made all the difference. It was this: Am I better off spending my time researching and otherwise searching for the Truth about God and related matters or would I be better of accepting the Xtian view of God based upon faith without requiring evidence of the kind which I would require on any other major question in my life. This question did not eliminate from my consideration the Xtian God as being the road to the ultimate Truth. It simply meant I was willing to consider Xtianity along with all other roads to truth, if any, with no presumptions in favor or against any method. I had experienced much resistance to this approach from my Xtian friends.

 

Once I decided to be as objective as possible, beliefs that had been  part of me my whole life began to look questionable. I researched bible history, bible criticism,, Christian history and other related topics for a number of years. .I found my decision de-convert a tough one to make emotionally. But I found de-conversion right for me because it made sense. Xtianity did not make sense on many levels. This is the right place if your goal is the truth. If your goal is only to try to feel good , I doubt if you will want t pursue the truth, to the exclusion of emotions.But for intellectual satisfactio and feeling like a grownup  seeking the truth can't be beat. Rip

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Welcome, lost, we're glad you're here.  It can take time to figure out what you believe, so take your time, there is no pressure.  

 

I stopped believing in god when I realised it was important to me that I only believed in things that were true.  I figured out how I would decide if something was true or not - basically by how good the evidence for it was.  I did not find good enough evidence for god.

 

Good luck with your journey.  I hope you find peace.

[Lucy]

And what's more, people from my family and from studies focus mostly on relationships, making love and giving birth to children and ask me, why I'm not the same?

 

But how can I be like others if my brain is in such a mess?

 

 

Most people don't bother to think deeply about things. People prefer to assume whatever they know is right and whatever they know is enough information. Some people are into learning and some couldn't care less. It sounds like you don't have a strong pull to be in a relationship. Some do. Some don't. It's not that unusual.

 

 

My father died when I was 9. He was a very strong believer in Christianity. I missed him so bad it caused me to want to study the Bible more so I could get to heaven to see him again someday. But the more I studied, the less I was able to believe it. It's difficult to make a decision on what you believe. Particularly, if your emotional thinking and your logical thinking are coming to opposite conclusions.

 

Try to be intellectually honest with yourself. Good luck coming to a decision that works for you.

[Guest Furball]

Welcome to ex-c lost. Hopefully this site will help you make up your mind once and for all. I too struggled with the whole faith issue. The best thing you can do is weigh the evidence. Once you do, you'll see that christianity is nothing more than a death cult based on make believe thoughts. I know it can be hard, and i used to think of myself as lost, even when i was a christian. This website helped me with my deconversion and ultimately  helped me regain my true freedom. I know this site and the wonderful people on here will help you if you need it. I hope you come to a final conclusion that works best for you. I wish you peace. -me

[Lost]

Thank You all for your interest in my story, for your opinions and advices

Everybody's case is very special, but I still have a desire to meet one day people who share my story about mum's death and struggle with faith. That's why more than 5 years ago I decided to create story for film about those issues.

 

I'm sure that one day when I will go abroad I will have to looking for a help of psychiatrist who specialize in personality disorders.

 

For now I have to go to church to the end of my licensed degree in Nursing and then I'm planning to go abroad to London and start there work as caregiver or if any hospital or nursing home will let me work as a nurse.

But as far as I know it's much more easier to find job abroad if you are experienced nurse or you are registered nurse.

 

I want to go abroad in 2 years and leave a letter to my church about my false conversion and that I was not a true believer, but from the beginning of my adventure with Evangelical Christianity (April 2011, my baptism September 2011) till now I was full of doubts, like in psychotic period of life. Being in a comfort zone, but still wondering about evolution vs creationism.

 

That what was keeping my faith even till now is:

-a danger of Mark of the Beast (that all nations will be prisoned by that),

-rebuilding Salomon's temple-

-gift of speaking in tongues (I mean these people who were praying to God alone, straight from honest heart and they got this gift...I don't mean these crazy mumbling, laughting, learning by heart this gift people),

-stories of Great Revivals

 

That's terrible that I ended up in my life as a liar, who has to pretend to be a Christian and in the same funny expect from God to answer her prayers.

 

My life is just terrifying. If I could I would go out even now. It scares me that one sister from my church is willing to even go abroad with me (she studies Nursing too, but one year higher). What a mess, true mess...I guess I have to plan escape, but for me living abroad alone with broken heart, working in nursing home is somehow creepy. Living for me abroad is an abstraction.

 

In my hometown I've got father who is rationalist and we live in not big flat in block of flats, but when I will go abroad I'm afraid to loose my safety room and the second parent. But I have no choice, I have to go somewhere and leave behind people that I'm lying to.

[Overcame Faith]

Lost, I see that end times issues are part of what is holding you back. The below link is to a fairly long and detailed thread in which end-times issues are debunked. You may find it helpful.

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44234-top-ten-reasons-not-to-fear-biblical-end-times-scenarios/#.VL7H3oE8KrU

 

Concerning the mark of the beast, the beast of Revelation 13 was the Roman Emporer, Nero. The Mark, 666, was the number of his name. There is no mark of the beast that has anything to do with today or in our future. Even the followers of Nero's Rome were not marked. John of Patmos, the author of Revelation, meant it metaphorically as those who supported Rome's persecution of Christians in 64-65 a.d.

 

The temple is not being rebuilt, so don't let that worry you. You probably know that a Muslim mosque sits on the very site where the Jewish temple stood some 2,000 years ago. If Israel were to try and tear it down, the Muslims would never tolerate and neither would the U.S. It would result in a terrible, bloody war - and no one, especially Israel, wants that. Besides, even if the temple were to be rebuilt, it would mean nothing in terms of so-called end-time events because there are no prophecies at all, and if there were, they do not relate to today.

 

Don't hesitate to post any other concerns or fears.

[sdelsolray]

Thank You all for your interest in my story, for your opinions and advices

Everybody's case is very special, but I still have a desire to meet one day people who share my story about mum's death and struggle with faith. That's why more than 5 years ago I decided to create story for film about those issues.

 

I'm sure that one day when I will go abroad I will have to looking for a help of psychiatrist who specialize in personality disorders.

 

For now I have to go to church to the end of my licensed degree in Nursing and then I'm planning to go abroad to London and start there work as caregiver or if any hospital or nursing home will let me work as a nurse.

But as far as I know it's much more easier to find job abroad if you are experienced nurse or you are registered nurse.

 

I want to go abroad in 2 years and leave a letter to my church about my false conversion and that I was not a true believer, but from the beginning of my adventure with Evangelical Christianity (April 2011, my baptism September 2011) till now I was full of doubts, like in psychotic period of life. Being in a comfort zone, but still wondering about evolution vs creationism.

 

That what was keeping my faith even till now is:

-a danger of Mark of the Beast (that all nations will be prisoned by that),

-rebuilding Salomon's temple-

-gift of speaking in tongues (I mean these people who were praying to God alone, straight from honest heart and they got this gift...I don't mean these crazy mumbling, laughting, learning by heart this gift people),

-stories of Great Revivals

 

That's terrible that I ended up in my life as a liar, who has to pretend to be a Christian and in the same funny expect from God to answer her prayers.

 

My life is just terrifying. If I could I would go out even now. It scares me that one sister from my church is willing to even go abroad with me (she studies Nursing too, but one year higher). What a mess, true mess...I guess I have to plan escape, but for me living abroad alone with broken heart, working in nursing home is somehow creepy. Living for me abroad is an abstraction.

 

In my hometown I've got father who is rationalist and we live in not big flat in block of flats, but when I will go abroad I'm afraid to loose my safety room and the second parent. But I have no choice, I have to go somewhere and leave behind people that I'm lying to.

If you have health insurance, indeed even if you do not, you should consider meeting, on a regular basis, with secular mental health professionals of your choosing.  No one else need know you are doing this.

[Lost]

I dream about writing screenplay about people's spiritual crisis and hopes into beliefs or without it, where I would like to show my story too (in the form of confession to the main character). I also would like to mention in it about influence of loosing a parent or parents in early age. And then sending it into the world, hoping that somebody will read it and I will find my soulmates, even if it's not going to be a movie.

 

It's hard to loose mother and then your best friend Jesus and live an adult life with personality disorder, question everything about yourself  after loosing faith forever. 

I don't know what kind of atheist I would like to be: conservative or have a fun with my rebellion against all good that I learned on religion classes in Catholic education then in Evangelical Church.

Do I want to have several partners or wait for a true soulmate that will love me to the end of life?

Through last years of my journey on the Internet I found biblical way of Christianity, but my dreams of being someone important in this world, making movie made me a person who is not really willing to follow Jesus step by step. But he was for me like the only ONE, who was with me when my mum died. I hated people, my family members for leaving me alone at home with plenty of homework as only 9 year old girl without mum. My schoolmates didn't understand my situation. God seemed for me like the one, who really cares and understand my pain, son I liked talking to Him, crying on daily bases, but true following Him was hard to do, because of my laziness and lack of motivation.

 

I've got lots of ideas, dreams, but my life-situation makes me lazy, calm, without motivation to go to the goal.

 

In my hometown, I don't think so that I would find a good secular psychiatrist, who would have time, good heart to treat me well.

 

I think that abroad I could find good specialist, but do I want to go on hours of therapy or take pills for brain's better work?

I am a person who thinks about everything in people's life. I am unsure of my choices, my personality, sexuality.

I like playing with myself games called "Be sure for 100% who you are and what you believe in and then destroy it by your thoughts, obsessive thoughts:.

 

I have to finish this Nursing studies and go abroad to stop my double life in church and out of church.

 

When you loose mother and you don't ave grandmothers (well I befriended with my aunt when I was 18) as a girl you loose opportunity to grow up like other girls, you loose sense of being truly loved by man. You loose connection with woman's love and don't believe in love of man.

And adding to it loose of stronger than you Jesus and whole faith, well...it's too much to young lady...too much.

 

Well and how to be a good nurse, who has to sacrifice a lot after loosing so much?

[Ellinas]

Lost, the more I read of your posts the more I conclude that speaking to a professional would be a good idea.  Just talking to a counsellor might help you put some structure to your thoughts.

[RipVanWinkle]

Just don't meet with a Xtian counselor. Rip

[Insightful]

 If your goal is only to try to feel good , I doubt if you will want t pursue the truth.

 

 

Wow, Rip - that really resonated with me...  Many of the self-serving ideas of Christianity feel really good - I will live forever in a happy place, I have a divine friend who's always got my back, I have a divine purpose for my life, etc...   

 

But to be able to come to a place where you can see all of the logical, moral, historical, and scientific problems with Christianity and have no choice but to reject it definitely has not felt good to me.  At least not yet.

 

Some things feel good - not having to judge others for their choices, not having to imagine loved ones burning in hell, not worrying about never measuring up to an impossible code of ethics (that are confusing much of the time!), and most of all:  getting to release all of the pent-up cognitive dissonance.  That part is awesome.  It reminds me of the the sheer exuberence of the genie in Aladdin when he gets set free... 

 

But late at night, when I'm anxious about the things I didn't do the way I wanted to that day - I miss having someone to tell it to who I used to believe could just make it all better. 

 

And letting go of living forever.  That sucks.  It's like being told all your life that on your 40th birthday, someone is going to give you $10,000,000.  So you blow all your money, expecting the gift.  Then you find out it was a bogus offer.  Of course, you're the idiot for believing it, but all of your friends and family did to and even made you feel bad for questioning...

 

And having to deal with a believing spouse and believing friends and family - knowing in your heart that you don't see eye to eye any more, but knowing that if you share your unbelief, they'll just:

1)  worry about you

2)  pull away from you

3) just keep on believing themseleves no matter how stong your arguments because they are too locked in

So you have to live like a hyppocrite because it's better than the alternative.

 

Yes, only look for the truth if you REALLY want to find it - and you're ok with whatever the implications are.

Reminds me of Jack Nicholson:  "You want the truth?  You want the TRUTH??!!  You can't HANDLE the truth!!"

[Overcame Faith]

Lost, I am sure it was extremely difficult on you to have lost your mother at the tender age of nine. How traumatic it must have been. I was in my early 50s when I lost my mother and it was terribly tough on me. If your belief in Jesus helped to sustain you during those traumatic years, then be happy that you had such belief and that it helped you get through it. On the other hand, try not to let fear interfere with your search for and acceptance of the truth now that you are an adult and are in training to render medical help to those who are in need of a trained and qualified nurse.

 

Do not hesitate to post any and all of your concerns about Christianity if learning the truth about it will help you.

[Insightful]

By the way, I REALLY respect everyone in terms of how you've all responded to LOST.  I cynically thought everyone was going to seize the opportunity to pounce on her faith.  I think it's fantastic the way y'all have respected what she believes at this point.  Makes me proud to be a part of this community. =)

[RipVanWinkle]

Insightful: Thanks for your comments. You live up to your "name". The fact that real life is hard to adjust to is, in my opinion, the real reason we have these myths to contend with, like Xtianity. We should rename religion as "escapism". But I still feel better off being an ex-christian.,   Rip

[Overcame Faith]

By the way, I REALLY respect everyone in terms of how you've all responded to LOST.  I cynically thought everyone was going to seize the opportunity to pounce on her faith.  I think it's fantastic the way y'all have respected what she believes at this point.  Makes me proud to be a part of this community. =)

We do not denigrate those who, though they still cling to some form of Christianity, are questioning it. Rather, we try and support them and lend whatever assistance we are capable of giving them so they can make their own decisions.

[Lost]

Thank U all for your opinions

 

I think that I want to follow what is REALLY true. It's hard to not to admit that science has a much bigger power than any belief.

 

I'm in a battle , where I can't deny what I found out about scientific facts and in the same time I'm like a hopeless baby in my personal tragedy, who has much more comfort in believing than depending on reason.

 

Reason seems to be meaningless, when humanity faces big personal or global tragedies. I think that in this case we've got tendency to looking for something bigger than us or we can find no friends among people and after all God is like great, safety escape.

 

It's hard to accept reasonable way in which Universe. But it's the TRUTH, despite our personal "spiritual' experiences.

[Overcame Faith]

Reason seems to be meaningless, when humanity faces big personal or global tragedies. I think that in this case we've got tendency to looking for something bigger than us or we can find no friends among people and after all God is like great, safety escape.

 

It's hard to accept reasonable way in which Universe. But it's the TRUTH, despite our personal "spiritual' experiences.

I can tell that you are struggling. Most of us here, me included, struggled mightily with Christianity before finally giving it up.

 

Reason is not meaningless, especially when, as you correctly say, "humanity faces big personal or global tragedies". It is the use of reason that will help us all to deal with those problems, but using reason does not mean we put our humanity aside. For example, when I think of all the suffering in the world, I feel great compassion for those who suffer. If I want to do something about it, my compassion requires that I reason my way to a solution. The two go hand in hand, one without the other solves nothing.

 

You can use reason and still have a very human heart. Do not let that concern trouble you.

[ExCBooster]

You don't have to make your mind up right away. Exploring things and learning isn't bad. As for "what kind of atheist you should be" - you don't have to be one. Christian/atheist aren't the only two options. There's an infinity of viewpoints out there. Only pick one if you agree with it, and it checks out as true to you. Besides, the more you learn, you might find that it's not so cold out here after all.

[Lost]

Are there any professional therapists in the USA or in the UK that truly help people with issues like mine?

 

Do you know personally or from different other sources or from friends about such therapists, who really care for patient?

 

If anyone knows anyone, please share their names with me, because I would like to in the future go to a really good professionalist to analyze whole my life.

[Lost]

I said wrong thing "Reason seems to be meaningless, when humanity faces big personal or global tragedies." Rather I wanted to say that when something illogical happens in our life and we experience our personal tragedies or global tragedies, as human beings we very often in such moments desire to get help from something bigger than we to understand our inner lost, hurt, disappointment. We want somebody to stay with us, be when we will be doing stupid things, hurt ourselves...not just therapists who will listen and in the end of session will tell us how strong we are and say goodbye.

 

I doubt that scientific discoverties in tough moments, when we feel so weak, give us any kind of satisfaction.

 

It's really hard to stay strongly intellectual without tendency to find answer from "outside" in unexplained cases in our private lives and in humanity terror.

 

I want to apologize for any words or sentences in my posts that were somehow illogical, strange or harmed any of You. It's because I very often think in illogical way in the way we see things when we sleep and dream. In that moment pictures in our minds are mysterious.

 

Thank U for your attention