What Do I Do Now? - Family, Addiction And Depression

[00LukeMan]

All my life I have been Christian. 

I was raised by Christian parents, have Christian siblings, every one of my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents are Christian. When I was growing up, the only people with whom I interacted were Christians. The closest I came to anything else was a few neighbors my age who were very disinterested Catholics. (I suppose I should clarify: Christian in my family meant Evangelical)

 

As I grew up, I loved science and learning (still do). I was homeschooled, so my education was also thoroughly Christian. I was taught that anyone who did not believe was either ignorant, sadly misguided, or willfully rebellious. But as I started to learn for myself, bits of secular science started to creep in. 

 

When I was 13, my family and I moved overseas to become missionaries, and still I questioned nothing. It was only when I returned to the US for university (a bible college) that things started to come apart. Studying the Bible is what did it. I was shown in my classes that not all of my lifelong beliefs were biblical. I adapted and took on the views of the professors, but I was less sure in my knowledge, knowing that I might be wrong.

 

I started looking into theological issues like free will, the problem of evil, the problem of hell, the fate of those who have never been evangelized while simultaneously reading through the Old Testament for several classes. 

I came to the conclusion that there was a god, but not one I would very much like to serve. God, I was told in Theology 1, was supposed to be as good as it gets, better than I could possibly imagine, all I could ever want. Analyzing the beliefs I had held all my life I found an interesting problem: I knew what I believed, I could go on for some time about Christian doctrine, but I didn't know why I believed it. I had no foundation for any Christian belief, so I started researching that foundation.

 

If something is true, shouldn't it stand up to criticism? That was my thought as I researched Christian apologetics, but if I wanted to be fair, I had to research the other side's arguments. What I found was actual evidence rather than assertion, and it has only grown as I continue to learn.

I am no longer a Christian. In specific terms I am a weak atheist and weak agnostic: I do not believe in any god and I do not think we have reason to believe in one, though perhaps that will change in the future.

 

My problem is this: my family is still very, very Christian. My parents are still missionaries and I am still at a bible college. I do not really want to leave this school, since I have friends here and the degree I am pursuing is in intercultural studies rather than something overtly Christian. 

However, I am having a very difficult time talking with my parents. They see Christianity as the obvious, self-evident truth, and any problems with their religious beliefs are simply dismissed with the solution "you just have to have faith." In one conversation, my father said that belief in the Christian God "Isn't a rational thing, but that doesn't mean it isn't true."

This is causing difficulties when I try to talk to them about depression. I have been struggling with depression since I came to college (despair, what's the use, apathy) and have been very close to suicide on several occasions. I am alive because I know it would hurt my family and friends if I died, but I don't have much enthusiasm for life.

 

My parents attribute my depression to my own selfishness, thinking that because I am not focused on God, I am destroying myself and making myself miserable. In some ways, they may be correct, since introspection does seem to bring my mood down and interaction with friends seems to help, but it hurts to not see eye-to-eye with my parents.

Another issue is pornography. I have no moral problem with it, and have used it for many years now, but they only recently found out (I made perhaps the mistake of telling them while I was still Christian). They view me as living in rebellion, not taking seriously my intellectual problems with Christianity and religion in general, but instead thinking me willfully against the God I know to be true.

 

Now I am beginning to see that I have a problem with addiction. Things like TED talks and the Art of Manliness make a good argument that for some people, internet porn can be addictive and have some serious effects on a person's relationships and mental health. This is not the case for everyone, to be sure, but it seems to be the case for me and may be a contributing factor in my depression.

 

My question to you good people is, what advice can you offer me? I have talked to some close friends and they have been more supportive than my parents, but I am wondering what to do. I am seriously considering seeking some kind of professional help; there are counselors at my university and at the secular university at which I take a few classes.

 

So there it is, my story and my requests: How do I deal with my parents and how do I deal with depression?

[Lucy]

If you think you have an addiction, seek help with a secular counselor or therapist. Your depression might be a chemical imbalance in which case you should seek medication. If it's being caused by your environment then you need to change your environment.

 

I would also try to find some non-Christian friends if possible. It's bad for your mental health if the only people around you have opposing viewpoints. Nearly all the people I know IRL are Christians. None of my online friends are Christians. I wasn't trying to make only non-Christian friends online. It just worked out that way.

[mymistake]

Welcome to the forum!  I was depressed almost the entire time I was a Christian - over 30 years.  It disappeared when I stopped believing in spirits.  Your milage may vary.

 

 

I wouldn't tell your folks that you lost your faith until after you can support yourself.  

 

I seriously doubt that you have an addiction to porn.  I'm sure you think that but I find it far more likely that some pastor messed up your thinking.  You get hungry when you don't eat right?  But that doesn't mean you have a food addiction.  It takes more than just enjoying something for it to be an addiction.  If you do not use pornography when you do not have privacy, if you respect the consenting adults rule, if your only "withdrawal symptom" is that you are a bit stressed out when you don't use porn then it isn't an addiction.  Most of the adult population uses porn.

 

If pornography has such a grip on your life that you are in danger of losing your job then go ahead and seek help from a secular therapist.  You don't need any of that Christian guilt nonsense.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Welcome, we're glad you're here.

 

I have struggled all my adult life with depression (over 20 years).  The scientific evidence for effective treatment for the severe level of depression you appear to have is appropriate medication (at an appropriate dose, for an appropriate time period) and cognitive behavioural therapy with a clinical psychologist.  "Therapists" or "counsellors" are not supported by good evidence for effectiveness.  Avoid any mental health professional who is a xian or other theist, unless you are confident they can keep their personal beliefs out of their work.  Such people are very rare.

 

Also call the National Suicide Helpline for professional support if you feel suicidal.  Avoid helplines staffed by untrained volunteers.

 

I would avoid discussing religion with your parents (or other any xian, frankly) until you are a lot more settled and sure of yourself and your beliefs.

 

I hope you will come to us with any question or concerns so that we can give you support, most of us know from experience what you are going through and really care.  You might also want to seek out secular groups where you live, there may be some on the secular campus, look up Secular Student Alliance and Recovering From Religion. 

[FreeThinkerNZ]

One more thing... on the subject of porn I tend to agree with mymistake: xians like to promote the idea that viewing porn leads to addiction in all situations.  It doesn't.  However, you can find evidence-based, secular information about it at yourbrainonporn.com .  A few people here have found that site helpful.

[RipVanWinkle]

00LukeMan: Please, I beg you, do not go to a Xtian counselor. That would be a mistake that might get you back on the wrong track for years. I made that mistake myself. Remember, Xtians don't have a world view that comes even close to reality. Therefore, if they are true to their faith they cannot give you good advice. But you do need to see a secular counselor--a good one. So take time to get references and check out the counselor before you commit.

 

It is hard for many who deconvert to adjust to their new world view or even to choose a different world view. You must be pretty young if you are in college and still so concerned about your parents reaction. If you can avoid it, don't destroy your relationship with your parents. But in growing up a person must become his own man or her own woman. Otherwise  you are not a mature adult, capable of making mature decisions about your life. Instead, you are your parents' puppet. Believe me parents do not know what is best for their adult children, with few exceptions. You need to be in a position  take complete control of your life and make your own decisions. If you need advice, fine, but make your own decisions.

 

The other thing is to continue to educate yourself about Xtian history, Church history, Bible history and similar matters. You will become more and more secure in your own unique beliefs. This website is a good place to start. As you said, Xtians don't want you to think rationally. What bogus belief system would?

 

If I were you I would not discus your beliefs with your parents or siblings any more that you have to. Wait until you have reached the point in your personal emotional growth that you don't feel the need for their approval. Every mature person must come to that point sometime. Your parents are not at fault. They are victims, just like you. Keep a good relationship with them as best you can. Accept them as they are, just as you want them to accept you as you are. They are unlikely to change.

 

Best of luck and welcome to Ex-Christian.   Rip

[00LukeMan]

Wow, those were some quick responses. Thank you all.

 

First off, regarding the porn. My view on it is far from Christian. I do not think it is immoral and I agree that it is not a problem for most people, but I think it might be for me. Not because of a god, but because I think it is taking too much of my time and taking away from better things I could be doing (school, relationships, etc). 

 

Regarding professional help, what can I do to find some? I am a 20 year old unemployed college student, and I do not have the money to pay for anything right now. I am not familiar with how psychologists and psychiatrists work, so I don't know what to expect as far as time and money go.

 

RipVanWinkle - I am always trying to educate myself, and this site has certainly been a help. The "Letter to My Christian Parents" in Ex-Christian Life did a wonderful job of expressing many issues I have had with Christianity and even brought up some new ones.

 

FreeThinkerNZ - Thanks for the resource, I'll be sure to give it a look.

 

Again, thank you all for your responses. Your concern and helpfulness are very encouraging.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Do you have access to primary care physicians through your college?  That might be a good place to start looking.  They can make an initial diagnosis and tell you what services are available in your area.

 

Also here is some fairly good info on depression:

http://www.helpguide.org/home-pages/depression.htm

[FarflungWanderer]

One more thing... on the subject of porn I tend to agree with mymistake: xians like to promote the idea that viewing porn leads to addiction in all situations.  It doesn't.  However, you can find evidence-based, secular information about it at yourbrainonporn.com .  A few people here have found that site helpful.

 

Probably not going to be the only one (well, maybe I am) to say this, but this is a good link. Give it a look.

[00LukeMan]

Hello again. I just spent the last hour reading through yourbrainonporn.com and I am very encouraged. People's descriptions matched up very closely with what I am experiencing but they gave me so much hope as well. This seems like the perfect first step, thank you for directing me there.