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Goodbye Jesus

My Brain Is God


LimitedEdition

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"but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die." - Genesis 2:17

 

There is no truer Bible verse than that quoted above, nor any story more profound to all of Christianity than that of Adam and Eve. It is quite possibly the one part that Christians get right. Once the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge has been bitten, your blissful, exclusive little world comes crashing down... and you're forced to face reality, and also death. 

 

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7

 

​I realize that Christians would protest me taking a single verse out of context (even though it's perfectly OK for them to do so long as it suits their argument) and use it in my writing. However, Philippians 4:7 by itself or not, represents their one of their favorite trunk cards: "you know god is the truth in your heart, we all do! I can feel it everyday and it's so amazing and I'm so happy and before I was so sad!" But I especially like this verse because not only does it cover this mindset, it states that believers will also be protected from doubt. Yes, they [Christians] like to argue that if you have doubts or go astray it is your fault for not believing hard enough or loving your sin too much. And although I don't usually like to give anecdotal evidence, and I am perfectly aware that there is plenty of that to go around on the other side as well... if anyone should have been opened to the light and protected from doubt, it was me. 

 

I guess I shouldn't say that. There are people who grew up much more sheltered than I did. Despite the homeschooling, catholic groups that I was in from infancy up through the teens, and only friends being church kids, my brain still went the other direction. Perhaps it was because my mom took me to the local science museum all the time where I even took a few classes, I watched animal planet and the science channel and even grew up in the information age. I'm sorry for being so boring but my parents were actually pretty great (even though yes, they raised me as a believer from day 1). Let me share with you a few thought processes I came up with just a few years ago when I was a teenager anyway. 

 

So what if we have science and dinosaur bones and we might even find an explanation for the beginning of time? This is all god's wonderful way to keep us entertained while we're on this earth! How nice of him!

 

There has to be a god because if then if there wasn't everyone could just wake up tomorrow and decide that it was OK to f*** dogs, and then it would be OK to f*** dogs! And it just CAN'T be OK to f*** dogs. 

 

And the third and final argument I want to share with you is a blank space, because thanks to a mix of community pressure, confirmation bias, fear of non-existence and not seeing any of my deceased cats again, the only thing I could do was skip out on certain thoughts and questions so the rest of it could work.

 

 

 

 

 

But, having grown up as a good Christian, I have been taught to follow what's in my heart because god will be there, and so that's exactly what I did. Except, where there was suppose to be a cross-shaped hole, I ended up finding blood, muscle, tissue and arteries. This led me back up the good ol' gray matter that is apparently so incredibly dangerous its main function is taught to be the root of all evil as the very first basic instruction before leaving earth.

 

Earlier, I stated that I had been allowed to explore the scientific world and had access to everything the other middle class American 90's babies had. However, my childhood was far from un-skewed. I didn't go to an actual public school and, besides a few random classes here and there, I really didn't do much else but church ministries. Sunday school, youth group, choir, vacation bible school, Mystery Players, work camp, not one but TWO over night purity rallies (where they lied about how STDs and contraception work and conveniently forgot to tell us that the Bible doesn't forbid anal sex) and more than I can remember. I genuinely enjoyed them, they're happy memories to this day.

 

One of these in particular sticks out to me, because I was damned sure that I had seen a miracle. We were outdoors in front of a stone half circle arch for adoration. While we sat in our self induced hypnotic state/bordem on the lawn chairs, it began to gently rain. Without a word, all of us teenagers (it was a pretty small group) gathered into the small space of the arch next to the fancy cracker and graven image of Mary. Not long after we did, the rain stopped. And after adoration when we were allowed to move around what I saw astounded me... nothing but the grass was wet. We were on a small cut perfectly square piece of grass and the cement, the cars next to us, the buildings, everything was dry except for us. Although the others agreed it was weird, I was the only person really excited by it. Of course it rains on one side of the street and not the other all of the time even where the grass and cement might cut off but boy, you couldn't have convinced that that's what was going on then. 

 

My point is, if anyone had a reason to stay faithful, it was me. The church hadn't caused me any major suffering (on the surface at least, I'm not going into female sexuality for the time being), my parents were good reasonable people who loved (and still love) me, I had good, fun, even beneficial (in non-religious ways) groups and activities that I can still enjoy the memory of today (we took a trip to NYC for pete's sake), and even odd, convincing experiences (there were more than the grass one, but I don't remember them. Maybe they weren't so great after all). The church had given me a pretty good childhood, so why can't it sustain my adulthood?

 

Well, when he hear the anecdotes of those who join Christianity instead of leave it -and this is coming from what I've personally seen/heard of testimonials of born agains- it always comes from a place of pain. They want to see a deceased loved one or they didn't find anything fulfilling about their life... and now they have a purpose in life and they don't need self esteem because they have a god who holds them in esteem just for believing. This makes them happy, and on top of that they're going to see their loved ones again and will live forever. 

 

"The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out."  - Proverbs 18:15

 

Now I will talk a little bit more about the beliefs I had held, due to the church, before acting on the above verse (although, in context, it probably means to acquire Biblical knowledge and be discerning about everything BUT the church teachings, but you know, tomatoes tomahtoes). When I was doing vacation bible school, I was in the kindergarten room and I had a special relationship with a shy kid who ended up bonding with me. It was the next year (I was in his room again!) that he missed 2 of the 7 days of bible school due to math class. I was horrified, how could good loving parents teach him that math was more important than god? I know, I want to reach back into the past and shake myself by the shoulders, too. Truly his parents have done well by following the above quip as I choose to do now. (fun fact: our theme that year was science). 

 

I also believed that the more you suffered in this life, the greater your reward in the next. Which means that no matter what kind of life you achieve or miss out on achieving here, it doesn't matter because there are better things to come anyway! So who cares if you never travel Europe or attain a degree in a field you're passionate about. Why work so hard when suffering gets you brownie points anyway?

 

I also struggled and prayed over what god's plan was for me. I was scared that if I, through human error, chose the wrong field it would mess up god's plan. So instead of going for Geology as I wish to do this year, I waited and prayed for an answer and at some point I think I even waited for the right path to "fall into place" instead of going out and getting it myself since I might pick the wrong thing. Well, I'm approaching mid-20s and my friends are all done with or very far a head in their education by now.  

 

Now, I'd like to conclude this testimonial with two experiences that I have found interesting about recognizing my atheism. I say recognizing, because the first thing I've noticed is that as I go through life now it doesn't really feel like anything has changed. I'm not in a state of shock, sadness, emotional distress or even disappointment. It doesn't seem like I really believed this stuff in the first place, so either god didn't do his part by calling out my heart or there is nothing there to "call out to you" in the first place and I guess I'd just always, on some level, figured that. The second undermines the first because in fact there has been a change. Becoming an official atheist has been a very humbling experience. I am allowed to embrace the fact that the universe was not put here for me and it does not care about me in the slightest, I am allowed to realize that everyone shares a common humanity no matter how they were born or what kind of morals they hold (obviously, the ones who's morals trumps over other's morals too much get locked away). There IS something out there bigger than me, existence itself. The number of people who could have been born instead of me outnumber the grains of sand in the Sahara Desert. But here I am... I didn't exist out of inevitability due to a deity's love, but out of pure, unfiltered, unsupervised chance! A person has a better chance of winning the lottery every day from birth till death then being born in the first place, yet here we all are and there the others all aren't, blowing as grains of sand in the wind of obscurity. HOLY F*** I'm alive, and my brain is god. 

 

 

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Welcome!

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Welcome to ex-C, LimitedEdition! 

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Guest Furball

 

I also believed that the more you suffered in this life, the greater your reward in the next. 

 

Yeah that jesus death cult doctrine really puts a damper on your daily life doesn't it. 

 

Welcome to Ex-C

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Welcome!

 

Now you can feel free to make your life be what you want it to be instead of waiting for god to tell you what he wants it to be. Too many people waste their precious lives away waiting for god to direct their lives for them. Recognizing that god isn't making great plans for you is the first step towards taking control and making great plans for yourself. Enjoy knowing your life is yours and not His to control!

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Welcome to the forum, LimitedEdition. You write very well, I look forward to reading more from you. 

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Welcome.

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awww, thanks guys. I do feel welcomed, and thanks for the compliments on my writing. I've been trying to form more posts but it's hard to articulate this stuff sometimes. Thanks again!

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I enjoyed reading your "extimony". Welcome!

 

My story is a bit like yours -- no real drama or trauma to report! I was raised in the Church of Christ, though I always questioned the idea of taking the bible literally.

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Yeah, that may be true. But certain ideas can still worm their way in and you gotta try and catch them. At least for me, I didn't escape unscathed lol. 

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Limited, you wrote:

 

"I also struggled and prayed over what god's plan was for me. I was scared that if I, through human error, chose the wrong field it would mess up god's plan. So instead of going for Geology as I wish to do this year, I waited and prayed for an answer and at some point I think I even waited for the right path to "fall into place" instead of going out and getting it myself since I might pick the wrong thing. Well, I'm approaching mid-20s and my friends are all done with or very far a head in their education by now."

 

 

Much of what you wrote resonates with me, but the quote above pretty much sums up my whole life until a few years ago (I'm 44 now.) Fear of choosing wrongly. Waiting on god to open the one and only door to his holy will that would bring peace and fulfillment and every good thing. Which ultimately meant choosing lower-paying, non-career jobs to allow for more availability for "ministry." Besides, I had publicly acknowledged The Call when I was 14, and it would have been a disgrace to take my hand from the plow after that.

Anyway, pleased to meet you, and I hope you find your place in life without too much trouble. Honestly, though, I think the trouble is most of the fun!

Jeff

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"Holy F^%k I'm Alive!"

Ha, you've got a good sense of humor.  Welcome.

 

Lucky you to discover this all so young.  Best success with whatever direction you choose in life.  Sounds like you're going to enjoy it.

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