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Goodbye Jesus

What Went Wrong In This Relationship?


R. S. Martin

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I'm still trying to understand why my cousin treated me as she did, all the way from drawing me in over the course of several years by liking my photos on Facebook and saying hello when we met, on through a very intense friendship for a year starting right after my father died, and ending with her blocking me on Facebook. For most of that time she knew I was atheist. During our intense friendship this past year (Dec. 24 2013 to Nov. 2014) we talked on the telephone two or three times a week. She is retired and was always available. We discussed my atheism and she said she had no problem with the things I posted on FB because she understood where I'm coming from. I never doubted that she was telling the truth. We got together a number of times, at my place, at her place, in parks, coffee houses. I thought we were going to be friends forever. 

 

She promised me if she deleted posts of mine she would send me pm to explain. This was in reference with a snotty person she couldn't stand, and I had problems with, too. Then one day last fall, she posted a Christian poster that I challenged. I think I was very mild and laid back about it, but she seemed to take it personally. I asked her specifically what bothered her and got no answer. The conversation got deleted. No explanation.

 

Later, I posted something on my page about Christians who don't respond to atheist questions. Since she and her sister never posted on my page I expected no response. I felt very confident that they would not care or respond to anything I posted on my page. But they did and it wasn't very respectful. I answered their challenges and warned them that if they did not respond I would delete their posts. All I got was a nasty one from the sister telling me she was going to block me. Later my cousin (the first one to contact me) blocked me, too. 

 

I posted about some of this here http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/66185-i-am-a-humanist/?p=1015976#.VMxbVp3F_OU.

 

Is it reasonable to conclude that my cousin befriended me for one reason only and that was to convert me? And when it became obvious that there was no chance in hell that I was going to convert despite her great friendliness, she threw in the towel? She said one does not excommunicate family but in blocking me on FB that is exactly what she did. While we were still friends she kept talking to me about her up-coming 70th birthday and what a big celebration she was going to have. I thought she was going to invite me. I think it was in January. Not a word have I heard. Nor did she call or email me to wish me a merry Christmas or Happy New Year. This feels like total and complete excommunication. I have not tried to get back in contact because I don't want to know if she has decided not to answer me. For a person who primarily used Facebook to build the relationship and then blocked me, it feels like a very strong message. I just want to understand what happened and why. 

 

I think I was polite and didn't do anything wrong, except challenge her religion and refuse to back down when accused of disrespect, etc. when I didn't submit to their admonitions. I still have copies of everything because I figured she would delete it. I can provide it if it would be helpful to this discussion.

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You mention you used to talk on a regular basis and yet this time it is solely facebook communication? Why not talk to her about where you stand, it could be a misunderstanding that has grown with neither of you taking the first step to bridge the gap. If she doesn't want to talk or gives a clear answer then at least you know. Hard to jump to the conclusion that she was all about converting you from the description, it could be church pressure to avoid contact or some such.

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Eh, you are probably overthinking it.  Perhaps some third party (like a pastor) said something to her that made her think your conversation was a sin or allowing the devil to have a foot hold in her life.  Maybe she heard a preacher on the radio who put some brand new fear in her mind.  Who knows?  Maybe you did nothing wrong.

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Eh, you are probably overthinking it.  Perhaps some third party (like a pastor) said something to her that made her think your conversation was a sin or allowing the devil to have a foot hold in her life.  Maybe she heard a preacher on the radio who put some brand new fear in her mind.  Who knows?  Maybe you did nothing wrong.

Ditto MM.

 

R.S. when I belonged to the Pentecostal Church, we were encouraged to walk among the unsaved like jesus did, but for one purpose only. To witness and convert and 'save'. If we recognized that a person was not moving in the christian direction, we were to wipe our feet and go on to the next person who we might be able to help save. We were told that to stay around and hang out with the 'unsaved' was a very bad place for us because their sinful ways might drag us back into the world. It really might be what MM just said.

 

I'm so very sorry you are going through this because regardless, it is very painful to be 'dropped' by a supposed friend or relative. I've had it happen and it hurts the heart like hell. Big hug for you as you find a solution in yourself that may bring you peace.

 

((hug))

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Very sad to hear this, R.S. It's so heartbreaking when friendships suddenly die.  But I think MM and Margee may be onto something in this case.

 

Hugs, F

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It is possible that at this time her faith is shaken, and spending time with thinking people like you is too hard right now. She probably has very good reasons to want to hold onto that faith - facing mortality, having believed one way for so long, having lived a life based on this certain thing - losing faith after that would be extremely painful and if spending time with you is only shaking her faith further well, is it better for you to enter the kingdom of god with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell.

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All the suggestions given so far are quite plausible scenarios. I'd like to add one more possibility to the list. This is not in any way a personal attack, and please do correct me if I've misinterpreted what you've said, but a couple things stood out to me.

 

We discussed my atheism and she said she had no problem with the things I posted on FB because she understood where I'm coming from.

 

 

This gives me the impression that she was choosing not to directly challenge you on your beliefs. Is that a fair assessment? If so, then I think this is important:

 

Then one day last fall, she posted a Christian poster that I challenged.

 

 

If she had refrained from challenging your beliefs and then you publicly challenged hers, then it's possible that she may have felt betrayed by you (even though I'm confident that you wouldn't have meant it as a betrayal).

 

I am not suggesting that this is any more likely than the other scenarios already posted, but I do think that it's an angle to at least consider as another possibility. Of course, it's built on my interpretation of what you've shared, so if I've read more into it than what you meant, then please accept my apologies.

 

Again, this is no attack on you personally. I quite enjoy reading your posts and have a high regard for you and your contributions here, so even if this possibility is correct, I am sure that you did not intend any harm.

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All the suggestions given so far are quite plausible scenarios. I'd like to add one more possibility to the list. This is not in any way a personal attack, and please do correct me if I've misinterpreted what you've said, but a couple things stood out to me.

 

We discussed my atheism and she said she had no problem with the things I posted on FB because she understood where I'm coming from.

 

 

This gives me the impression that she was choosing not to directly challenge you on your beliefs. Is that a fair assessment? If so, then I think this is important:

 

Then one day last fall, she posted a Christian poster that I challenged.

 

 

If she had refrained from challenging your beliefs and then you publicly challenged hers, then it's possible that she may have felt betrayed by you (even though I'm confident that you wouldn't have meant it as a betrayal).

 

 

 

You know what, Citsonga, you might be right because it was after that that things really went downhill. Maybe the things I posted were okay by her so long as I didn't challenge her or her sister directly. That never occurred to me. 

 

I am not suggesting that this is any more likely than the other scenarios already posted, but I do think that it's an angle to at least consider as another possibility. Of course, it's built on my interpretation of what you've shared, so if I've read more into it than what you meant, then please accept my apologies.

 

Again, this is no attack on you personally. I quite enjoy reading your posts and have a high regard for you and your contributions here, so even if this possibility is correct, I am sure that you did not intend any harm.

 

 

Thank you for being so gentle and understanding about it. 

 

 

Eh, you are probably overthinking it.  Perhaps some third party (like a pastor) said something to her that made her think your conversation was a sin or allowing the devil to have a foot hold in her life.  Maybe she heard a preacher on the radio who put some brand new fear in her mind.  Who knows?  Maybe you did nothing wrong.

Ditto MM.

 

R.S. when I belonged to the Pentecostal Church, we were encouraged to walk among the unsaved like jesus did, but for one purpose only. To witness and convert and 'save'. If we recognized that a person was not moving in the christian direction, we were to wipe our feet and go on to the next person who we might be able to help save. We were told that to stay around and hang out with the 'unsaved' was a very bad place for us because their sinful ways might drag us back into the world. It really might be what MM just said.

 

 

 

 

That fits exactly with what her sister said to me on my page: Jesus does not want us to talk to people like you. Something like that is what she said, but she did not define what "people like you" meant so I had no way of knowing how she thought I'd changed since they had been friendly.

 

Thanks for your input, everyone. It feels really good to have some idea on what went wrong. Now I can make an informed decision on whether or not I want to try and reconnect.

 

 

You mention you used to talk on a regular basis and yet this time it is solely facebook communication? Why not talk to her about where you stand, it could be a misunderstanding that has grown with neither of you taking the first step to bridge the gap. If she doesn't want to talk or gives a clear answer then at least you know. Hard to jump to the conclusion that she was all about converting you from the description, it could be church pressure to avoid contact or some such.

 

The telephone talks came only after we got familiar on Facebook, and I forget exactly how it happened when my father died in Dec. 2013. Maybe she reached out to me. But she already knew I was atheist when she did that. We first met at my mother's funeral in March 2007, then slowly got to know each other through Facebook after that. The Facebook connection continued being important in addition to the telephone conversations after Dad's death. 

 

Evaluating what people here say, I may decide that I cannot cope with people (this cousin) who operate by relationship rules so alien to anything I've ever known. I'll have to think about it. Thanks again for all your input. 

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She said one does not excommunicate family but in blocking me on FB that is exactly what she did.

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Thank you for validating my own feelings for being blocked by family. And.... i have not even yet posted anything directly associated with being an athist....nor have i responded t o any pro religious post on my newsfeed. Makes me sad.

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She said one does not excommunicate family but in blocking me on FB that is exactly what she did.

 

Thank you for validating my own feelings for being blocked by family. And.... i have not even yet posted anything directly associated with being an athist....nor have i responded t o any pro religious post on my newsfeed. Makes me sad.

 

It is sad when things like this happen. If our own families excommunicate us we have to be there for each other is all I know. She was the only one of my family I felt able to trust over Dad's funeral. I was unable to be at the funeral because I couldn't handle the issues. I think Facebook is all about communication. Blocking a person is cutting the communication. That's why i call it excommunication.

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I have experienced this myself recently, as you know, R.S. Martin.  Ultimately, I think it is very difficult for anyone who is a Christian to remain close friends with someone who is not, even though it be blood relations. The difference in world view is too hard for them to take over the long term. I am sorry it happened to you.   Many people lack the courage to directly communicate why they want to cut off a friendship.   When they do, its usually something you would rather not hear.

 

To say to someone "I understand where you are coming from" does not necessarily mean they like it or approve of it, or accept it. 

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By the way, RS, I should've expressed my condolences for the loss of your father. I'm sure that was a tough time.

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Yeah R.S. it is all so sad. For me it was especially difficult as I became a "sole family survivor" (see http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052970204531404577052093177436470 ) ten years ago at the young age of 45 when dad and brother passed. No parents. No siblings. No extended immediate family. Fortunately i have overcome 99 percent of the ugly anxiety feelings and such once i fully understood that the is no god three or so years ago. But, i am still sad when the remnants of my passed on immediate family... such as nephews or nieces or their SOs exclude me from communication.... excommunication... without any word to as why. It is definately sad. But, on the very big plus side, I am now living a wonderfully joyous and free life. I am greatful that i only wasted half of it trying to please non - existent ghosts.

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I love that--nonexistent ghosts.:)

 

I tried reading your story but I have to subscribe to see more than the first paragraph of a story written by a person named Melinda Beck (I think).

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