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Goodbye Jesus

Damned If I Do...


Penguin

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You know the old saying.

 

In 1990, I was five years old. My Air Force family had a long Christian tradition from the Deep South, and my sister followed in that tradition. Not wanting to be left out (and feeling as though it was the right thing to do), I "accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior," in the grand tradition of the Southern Baptist Convention. I was baptized by immersion and began to eagerly involve myself in Sunday School, where my knowledge of the Bible shone, and the Sunday School teachers were so proud of me.

 

The problem was that I started to feel guilt. I didn't know it at the time, but I started having symptoms of bipolar disorder around the age of seven. I was always getting into trouble in what I now recognize as hypomanic episodes. My Dad was emotionally abusive, often going over the top to "discipline" me for my wrongdoing. From that age, I learned I was bad, God was disappointed in me, and I could never make anyone proud. Not surprisingly, I fell further and further from grace, and into the guilt. I tried committing suicide to "save my soul," as I had not been taught that suicide necessarily led to Hell. I figured if I took myself out, I could stop sinning and make God proud of me.

 

32.

 

I tried 32 times to kill myself in one way or another. Some were barely effective, and some were completely ineffective. I figured out after a while I was really bad at the killing myself thing, which made me feel worse about myself. By the time I hit 25, I started to feel as if God would strike me down before I reached 30. I was involved in a pattern of self-destruction. I would try to point to things the Church did to encourage my guilt and self-doubt, but I was told to be quiet enough times that I left it alone. I thought God would one day vindicate me.

 

Then, my Mom died. That was an eye-opener. I wasn't necessarily that close to her, but her death from cancer made me realize how Christians react to life. Something bad happens. The first thing they do is pray. If the bad thing turns into a good thing, they give the glory to God. If the bad thing stays a bad thing, "it's God's will and we can't understand it." So I'm supposed to serve an all-powerful, all-loving God, but I have to play a guessing game as to what He wants and what He's about? For as much as we're told in the Bible about Him, it doesn't really match up with reality.

 

So, here I am, an atheist-leaning agnostic. It's a difficult thing to figure out, especially with 24 years of indoctrination behind me. I can't come out to anyone close to me, really, except for a few good friends (one of whom is a member here). I'm an open book, so if you have a question, please feel free to ask. I find that as people ask me questions, I learn from my own answers, and from their comments.

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I'm proud of you!  Congrats for recovering from the cognitive infection we call Christianity.  Sorry to hear about the bi-polar disorder, but I'm glad to hear that you have identified the issue and look at it full in the face.  I've known bi-polar people who have created more grief for themselves than necessary because of denial.  Military here, too, though I've not been to Peterson/Carson/Cheyenne Mountain/USAFA.  Very sorry to hear about your misery in the past, but today is a new day.  What dreams do you now want to realize, having abandoned the albatross around your neck?

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Welcome.  I presume you are in professional treatment for the issues you mention.  Please get that under control.

 

Now it is time to start thinking for yourself and directing your own life.  It is harder than relying on God but much

 

more rewarding and it gives you a chance to have a better life.

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Sorry you've had it so hard, penguin. It's truly ironic that Xtians follow what their interpretation of bible verses to the letter even though many obviously make no sense. I talked to a woman who was told by her minister that it is a sin to get a divorce. This when her husband  had recently refused to let her leave the house to go to work for several days, The trouble is that Xtians are more devoted to following the literal verses in the bible than they are to their spouses. Or children for that matter. It'd  just like Abraham taking Isaac to be sacrificed to god because god told him to. But, unlike with Abraham, god never sends an angel to prevent the Xtian from doing what the stupid scripture says. How often has this  been done in history? A horrible mistake could have been avoided had scripture not been followed. Like parents refusing to get their sick child needed medical treatment.

 

I know it is difficult after one de-converts, especially when there are  neither family nor friends that share your view. But thee are many here who do. So keep coming back and join in the discussions. Xtianity can be a sticky wicket when it comes to getting the lies out of your mind. Coming here frequently will help. Rip

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Xtian from dong what the sstupid scripture,

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Welcome!

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You found a good place.

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Hi Penguin,

 

It's a pleasure to meet you. Really sorry to hear about your troubles--getting caught in the guilt vortex can be devestating. Hopefully you find yourself in a better place emotionally now, and can start to get some traction in life. I've only been a part of this group a short time myself, but I can tell you there's a ton of great information here, and some really great people of knowledge and experience who might be able to help you along in your journey. Good luck, and I hope to see you around the forums!

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Thank you all for the warm welcome. I am glad to be rid of god and take personal responsibility for directing my life. As a result, I have begun diving into entrepreneurship. I am currently on disability because of some physical issues, but I don't plan to live on such a limited income for very long. I've got an incense business, a vitamin/nutrition/body/cosmetic/house care business, a debut novel in the works, and some other ideas for making money to get off disability.

 

Some of you mentioned controlling my mental issues. I am medicated, and I see a therapist regularly. I also have "watchdogs" who help keep me in check, so I'm well protected. I also have PTSD, but have recovered from it as best I can for now, which is quite good progress. I can live without major disruptions in my life from my mental issues. My physical issues are a bit more invasive, but still well managed.

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Welcome.

 

There are some on these boards who have their own issues with bipolar disorder and will probably be able to offer advice and support with the benefit of experience..  Beyond that, welcome to freedom - which I hope you will find, in itself, therapeutic.

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Thank you, Elias.

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Hey welcome.  Just curious how long ago you deconverted?

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Hey welcome.  Just curious how long ago you deconverted?

 

I began thinking about it in August of last year, but officially "made the leap" in September.

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Guest Furball

Heya penguin. welcome to this site. You are amongst friends here. It can be hard to get rid of the indoctrination, but it will go away and it is worth it. I am glad you are free from that death cult, and i look forward to your posts. Again, welcome.

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Hey welcome. Just curious how long ago you deconverted?

I began thinking about it in August of last year, but officially "made the leap" in September.

Wow very recent. Good for you.

It may be a bit roller coaster for a while as you work through things but I think it just feels like fresh air the farther away you get and your happiness will hopefully increase.

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I am having fun, and I'm happier than I was as a Christian. Really the only guilt I feel anymore is with anything sexual. That was drilled into me--sex is bad, sex is bad, sex is bad! So it'll take a while for that to fade.

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Yeah, i am just now starting to get over the whole masturbation guilt nonsense. I posted about this in the sex forum. The people on there gave me great advice. I encourage you to check it out. -me

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Yeah, i am just now starting to get over the whole masturbation guilt nonsense. I posted about this in the sex forum. The people on there gave me great advice. I encourage you to check it out. -me

 

How do I get access?

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So very glad you're here, Mr. Zombie Penguin <3

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So very glad you're here, Mr. Zombie Penguin <3

 

I'm glad you're here too. :) It's nice to have friends.

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Penguin-Just stopping in to comment on your avatar. It’s awesome. biggrin.png

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Welcome!  I'm glad you made it through!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ive been through my own personal hell when I first deconverted but now I don't really believe anything. Ive read a ton of books so hit me up if u want pointers

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  • 4 weeks later...

Welcome to the club! Glad you're no longer a part of the faith. As you know, it can be very damaging. Great point about trying to know God's character from the book but seeing difference in the real world. Doesn't do much for their cause, that's for sure.

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