Marriage And Kids...yep Thinking Bout It Now!

[NoOne]

So...I don't know why this is on my mind so much. But I've been thinking about when I get married and when I have kids. Now, I guarantee you neither one of those things will happen anytime soon. I'm still thinking about the next 3 years of high school and college. I don't even want to think about being in a serious relationship until I'm around 24 or 25. But I do want to be married by the time I'm 30 and have at least 1 kid by the time I'm 32. Yeah I have a bit of a schedule lol...

Anyway, I always fantasize about what my family will be like. I always have between 3 and 6 kids in my imagination. I used to imagine being married to this devout Christian man, which progressed into a Christian woman. Now I don't know which gender, but I definitely want to be in a relationship with an atheist. I've heard that atheist marriages are happier and last longer, which I honestly believe. Atheists also raise their kids to be atheists...which I find weird because they don't like it when Christians raise their kids to become Christians. So I don't know....I really shouldn't think about this now but I guess it's just a concern or bit of curiosity. So, atheists/agnostics/secularists, what's your marriage or parenting style like? Do you think it's easier done without religion? Are there struggles and if they are, what are they?

Kind of messy, I know I hope you have a great day ❤️ And I started my blog so feel free to read my entries!!

[sdelsolray]

I have five children.  They are the ultimate pets.  Expensive too.  But I wouldn't do it any differently if I could do it over again.

[mymistake]

Two kids.  Yes, they are very expensive.  I would not have been ready to be a dad back in my 20's.  I needed to have cats for a while before I learned to be responsible enough.  My parenting style is to let them do whatever they want as long as they are not hurting anything.  I give them advise from time to time but mostly they don't listen.  They are my greatest stress and also my greatest joy.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

I am almost out of childbearing age and have managed to avoid having kids.  I strive to be the best Aunt and pet owner I can be.  I find everything about life to be easier and more rewarding without religion.

[TrueFreedom]

Mine is challenging, because I have opened up to some people about my apostasy, while my wife has tried to remain completely in the closet.  Marriage is hard.  Raising kids is hard.  I wish you success in your goals!

[violetbutterfly]

As someone who made a lot of mistakes in life, the one thing I have gained is wisdom and I feel it's my duty to share my cautionary tale...please, please, please do not settle if you start to feel that your schedule isn't quite going as planned. I was one of those people who fantasized about marriage and kids from a young age. The idea of being married and starting a family was so appealing that I compromised on the husband aspect. The result was I spent over 11 years in misery, decided not to have childen with him, and in the process missed out on being with someone who would have been the husband I needed. Now I'm divorced, single, childless and pining for the one that got away. I know there is still time for things to turn around for me, but I was blinded by my goals. It's good to know what you want, but try to take life as it comes, even if it's not what you thought it would be.

 

That said, I can say being single and being an atheist is far, far better than being in a Christian marriage. And as far as atheist parents raising kids, I think the default would be absence of a learned religion. It is not the same as Christian parents teaching their children that Christianity is The Truth™

[wyson]

I also avoided Christians and married an atheist.  I remember dating a Christian before I met my wife.   When we had our first deep and meaningful chat and I totally lost respect for her.  Everything she thought and believe in involved pat Christian answers which in my mind are totally false.  I started to find her deeply irritating and it unravelled pretty quickly.  

 

I would feel similarly to people who lost their faith, but cling onto pat Christian values and ideals... "love is the truth", "you need to sacrifice in order to get what you want", "the world should run on ideas of justice".  No, just no.

 

If someone you meet believes things you find absurd, and on balance the absurd is stronger than the reasonable, then nothing can make things work.   Christian or not!

[florduh]

Some people need kids to feel fulfilled, others do not. Just make sure both partners are absolutely on the same page with that.

[Guest Furball]

The Cost Of Raising A Child Today: $241,080

 

The Cost Of Raising A Child Today: $241,080 (INFOGRAPHIC)

[yunea]

At your age I thought of marriage and kids a lot too. Things didn't go the way I planned at all for various reasons, but I guess it's for the best in the end that a baby didn't have to be around the ill wreck I've been. Well, yeah, this wound up kinda off topic.... Ummm. If I get to have kids, it has to be in a situation where I know I'm giving them a safe home and at least two adults they can trust.

[amateur]

My two young adult children are the joys of my life!  What a trip we had together through their growing up!

 

I had married an atheist, but we ended up divorced for reasons that had nothing to do with religion or un-religion.  I was sometimes xian, sometimes agnostic during that marriage, I've now been divorced for 11 years and remarried the past 5, and became atheist a couple years ago.  I'm currently married to someone who's xian but doesn't attend church or seem to have any strong beliefs other than "something bigger than us it out there."

 

My ex and I raised the kids in the church (as we both had been), but we always answered their questions honestly, with lots of "I don't know's" and we both stressed the scientific reason behind things, like for instance rainbows, like my dad had done for me (my parents were agnostic, I think, but we attended church with the admonition of my mom to "not take religion too seriously").

 

My kids are atheists, I think, and they are good, decent, hard-working kids with great senses of humor and common sense and are both living on their own and doing great.  I am immensely proud of them, as are my ex and my current husband!

 

My ex'es parents are xian and wonderful people; I'm still close to them and love them, even 11 years after the divorce.  They are simply good people who love their kids and grandkids (and still me!).

 

My current husband's parents are xian and are dreadful people whom I have no respect for.  Their son turned out great, in spite of them and their up-bringing.  I have next to no contact with them, and it is reciprocated.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that there are no rules that will give you a definite outcome, and nothing you can do to predict the future.  I never believed I would be divorced, there were no red flags during our 1 1/2 year engagement and the first couple years of marriage, and the divorce was a really hard time, but we do still get along (my ex and I, my current husband, and the kids).  The best thing you can do is to try your best, give it your best shot, and try to be a good, kind, honest person with those you love.  And all you can do is jump into things whole-heartedly if you feel they're right for you.

 

It's an exciting adventure!  Like my dad used to say, "You never know what you'll find around the next bend."  And you never know til you get there!

[sparklingphoenix]

My two young adult children are the joys of my life!  What a trip we had together through their growing up!

 

I had married an atheist, but we ended up divorced for reasons that had nothing to do with religion or un-religion.  I was sometimes xian, sometimes agnostic during that marriage, I've now been divorced for 11 years and remarried the past 5, and became atheist a couple years ago.  I'm currently married to someone who's xian but doesn't attend church or seem to have any strong beliefs other than "something bigger than us it out there."

 

My ex and I raised the kids in the church (as we both had been), but we always answered their questions honestly, with lots of "I don't know's" and we both stressed the scientific reason behind things, like for instance rainbows, like my dad had done for me (my parents were agnostic, I think, but we attended church with the admonition of my mom to "not take religion too seriously").

 

My kids are atheists, I think, and they are good, decent, hard-working kids with great senses of humor and common sense and are both living on their own and doing great.  I am immensely proud of them, as are my ex and my current husband!

 

My ex'es parents are xian and wonderful people; I'm still close to them and love them, even 11 years after the divorce.  They are simply good people who love their kids and grandkids (and still me!).

 

My current husband's parents are xian and are dreadful people whom I have no respect for.  Their son turned out great, in spite of them and their up-bringing.  I have next to no contact with them, and it is reciprocated.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that there are no rules that will give you a definite outcome, and nothing you can do to predict the future.  I never believed I would be divorced, there were no red flags during our 1 1/2 year engagement and the first couple years of marriage, and the divorce was a really hard time, but we do still get along (my ex and I, my current husband, and the kids).  The best thing you can do is to try your best, give it your best shot, and try to be a good, kind, honest person with those you love.  And all you can do is jump into things whole-heartedly if you feel they're right for you.

 

It's an exciting adventure!  Like my dad used to say, "You never know what you'll find around the next bend."  And you never know til you get there!

 

Amateur I really appreciate what you wrote. It's so honest, and you have such a nice outlook about your life. I'm so afraid of getting married because of how I've seen marriage play out for other people. It seems like getting married is such a gamble. You never really know what will happen- red flags or not. That's why I kind of don't even want to get married. I'd rather just live with my SO and have a domestic partnership. Maybe that's no different though.

 

I was that one girl who never dreamed about marriage or babies. I always felt so weird because everyone seemed to expect me to dream about those things since I'm a female. It makes me feel confused and conflicted sometimes. I feel like it's what is expected of me, even though I have said to everyone all my life that I won't have any children, no one listens to me and they tell me I'll change my mind. It really makes me feel frustrated and doubtful about myself. I didn't mean to ramble. But I'm wondering if there's anyone else like me on that. :s 

[LifeCycle]

Married for a while now. No kids and we're keeping it that way. You're still really young and I'd recommend waiting longer for marriage, but life doesn't always work out as planned. Things happen and you just have to roll with it, so, good luck!

[amateur]

 

My two young adult children are the joys of my life!  What a trip we had together through their growing up!

 

I had married an atheist, but we ended up divorced for reasons that had nothing to do with religion or un-religion.  I was sometimes xian, sometimes agnostic during that marriage, I've now been divorced for 11 years and remarried the past 5, and became atheist a couple years ago.  I'm currently married to someone who's xian but doesn't attend church or seem to have any strong beliefs other than "something bigger than us it out there."

 

My ex and I raised the kids in the church (as we both had been), but we always answered their questions honestly, with lots of "I don't know's" and we both stressed the scientific reason behind things, like for instance rainbows, like my dad had done for me (my parents were agnostic, I think, but we attended church with the admonition of my mom to "not take religion too seriously").

 

My kids are atheists, I think, and they are good, decent, hard-working kids with great senses of humor and common sense and are both living on their own and doing great.  I am immensely proud of them, as are my ex and my current husband!

 

My ex'es parents are xian and wonderful people; I'm still close to them and love them, even 11 years after the divorce.  They are simply good people who love their kids and grandkids (and still me!).

 

My current husband's parents are xian and are dreadful people whom I have no respect for.  Their son turned out great, in spite of them and their up-bringing.  I have next to no contact with them, and it is reciprocated.

 

The point I'm trying to make is that there are no rules that will give you a definite outcome, and nothing you can do to predict the future.  I never believed I would be divorced, there were no red flags during our 1 1/2 year engagement and the first couple years of marriage, and the divorce was a really hard time, but we do still get along (my ex and I, my current husband, and the kids).  The best thing you can do is to try your best, give it your best shot, and try to be a good, kind, honest person with those you love.  And all you can do is jump into things whole-heartedly if you feel they're right for you.

 

It's an exciting adventure!  Like my dad used to say, "You never know what you'll find around the next bend."  And you never know til you get there!

 

Amateur I really appreciate what you wrote. It's so honest, and you have such a nice outlook about your life. I'm so afraid of getting married because of how I've seen marriage play out for other people. It seems like getting married is such a gamble. You never really know what will happen- red flags or not. That's why I kind of don't even want to get married. I'd rather just live with my SO and have a domestic partnership. Maybe that's no different though.

 

I was that one girl who never dreamed about marriage or babies. I always felt so weird because everyone seemed to expect me to dream about those things since I'm a female. It makes me feel confused and conflicted sometimes. I feel like it's what is expected of me, even though I have said to everyone all my life that I won't have any children, no one listens to me and they tell me I'll change my mind. It really makes me feel frustrated and doubtful about myself. I didn't mean to ramble. But I'm wondering if there's anyone else like me on that. :s 

 

I never dreamed about marriage or babies when I was young!  My mom hadn't married or had us until she was almost 40, and I thought that was a fine time to get started.  She had had a whole career after graduating high school until marriage.  She was born in 1924, so life was different back then, with women often being told to quit work when getting married or being pregnant.

 

I had fun dating around and having fun when I was young.  When I met my first husband, it was simply instantly, "I'm going to marry him."  It was very obvious to me and very easy.  Even after I asked myself why I would marry someone when I was still young as opposed to waiting, I answered that I didn't care, I was marrying him.  It was just right.  Oddly enough, even though we're divorced after being married 15 years, and it was NOT easy after the divorce for me because my career had been destroyed by staying home for a while with the kids, I don't regret marrying him.  He was the perfect dad for our kids and we're still friends. 

 

After getting divorced when I was 40, I had no intention of ever getting married again!  I had even way more fun dating around when I was 40!  It was awesome!  Then I went to trucking school and I met my current husband there.  He made a horrible first impression, I thought he was utterly creepy.  By the end of the six months of school, we were kind of friends, and I had slept with a few of the guys in class (but not him).  Then he got locked out of his apt by his landlord on a freezing night and before jumping off a bridge he called me to say he wouldn't be in school the next day.  I said, "Yes, you are."  So I picked him up, he didn't jump, he moved in that night, we never dated, and after a month or so I realized we were going to get married, again, like with the first husband, it was instantly, "we're getting married."  I had to break up with three other guys I was dating after he moved in!  It was a fun time!

 

Those are the only two men I ever wanted to marry.  I dated many, many people, loved some of them, was even in love with a couple, but never felt that I wanted to marry any of them. 

 

Neither of my kids has any interest in getting married or having babies.  My son is 24 and my daughter is 20.  I support them in whatever they do or believe, because I think they're great!

 

I think the important thing is to relax and have fun, in whatever way you want to relax and have fun, and don't worry about things you can do nothing about.

[violetbutterfly]

I was that one girl who never dreamed about marriage or babies. I always felt so weird because everyone seemed to expect me to dream about those things since I'm a female. It makes me feel confused and conflicted sometimes. I feel like it's what is expected of me, even though I have said to everyone all my life that I won't have any children, no one listens to me and they tell me I'll change my mind. It really makes me feel frustrated and doubtful about myself. I didn't mean to ramble. But I'm wondering if there's anyone else like me on that. :s

There definitely are others. When I was married I made the decision to never have children (mostly because I could not bring myself to have them with my ex, and I wasn't ready for divorce). Where I am in life now, I am about 95% sure I will never have a child, and I accept that. But rest assured, you are not alone. I spent a lot of time on support sites for people who don't want children. You might be interested in checking some of them out. http://thechildfreelife.com/

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Haha violet, thanks for that link to the childfree forum, I love it!

[sparklingphoenix]

I never dreamed about marriage or babies when I was young!  My mom hadn't married or had us until she was almost 40, and I thought that was a fine time to get started.  She had had a whole career after graduating high school until marriage.  She was born in 1924, so life was different back then, with women often being told to quit work when getting married or being pregnant.

 

 

 

 

 

I had fun dating around and having fun when I was young.  When I met my first husband, it was simply instantly, "I'm going to marry him."  It was very obvious to me and very easy.  Even after I asked myself why I would marry someone when I was still young as opposed to waiting, I answered that I didn't care, I was marrying him.  It was just right.  Oddly enough, even though we're divorced after being married 15 years, and it was NOT easy after the divorce for me because my career had been destroyed by staying home for a while with the kids, I don't regret marrying him.  He was the perfect dad for our kids and we're still friends. 

 

After getting divorced when I was 40, I had no intention of ever getting married again!  I had even way more fun dating around when I was 40!  It was awesome!  Then I went to trucking school and I met my current husband there.  He made a horrible first impression, I thought he was utterly creepy.  By the end of the six months of school, we were kind of friends, and I had slept with a few of the guys in class (but not him).  Then he got locked out of his apt by his landlord on a freezing night and before jumping off a bridge he called me to say he wouldn't be in school the next day.  I said, "Yes, you are."  So I picked him up, he didn't jump, he moved in that night, we never dated, and after a month or so I realized we were going to get married, again, like with the first husband, it was instantly, "we're getting married."  I had to break up with three other guys I was dating after he moved in!  It was a fun time!

 

Those are the only two men I ever wanted to marry.  I dated many, many people, loved some of them, was even in love with a couple, but never felt that I wanted to marry any of them. 

 

Neither of my kids has any interest in getting married or having babies.  My son is 24 and my daughter is 20.  I support them in whatever they do or believe, because I think they're great!

 

I think the important thing is to relax and have fun, in whatever way you want to relax and have fun, and don't worry about things you can do nothing about.

 

 

You sound so free! I really want to have a similar outlook, and I think I would, had I not been so brainwashed to be so conservative. I'm pretty reserved and didn't really enjoy dating. I finally found someone I really like, but I don't feel the need to marry him. I feel like if I really love someone, I don't need any papers or rituals to prove how I feel, or force me to be committed.  I'd like to just live with him. Not really ready for that level of commitment, even though I do feel like I could get there with him. 

 

I don't know if this is too personal of a question, but was the divorce a painful process for you and your family? My parents divorced and it was hard. Honestly though, the years before they divorced were much worse from my position in the family. I don't know what my mom would say. All I know is that I don't ever want to experience that again, so I'd rather just not even get married. I don't know if my logic is silly or not... I'd rather be like your mom, if I ever do change my mind about kids, and have them later. It just seems too stressful, and it seems like having kids puts a lot of strain on the marriage relationship. I think that is so sad. I finally found love with someone great, I don't want to risk compromising that just to have children. I have kind a bleak outlook on that, probably from my family experiences.

 

I don't know if I'll ever have that feeling like you described of just knowing that you wanna marry someone. I guess it doesn't really matter anyways since nothing is guaranteed in life. Sometimes I think to myself, I wanna marry him- because I love him, but other times I feel like marriage is a crazy thing to do and I think about what I already went through with my parents.  I want to relax and enjoy it, but I feel a lot of unwanted pressure from people about expectations of marriage and having children. I don't want all those expectations to ruin the good thing that we have just between the two of us. Other people's impositions stress me out. :s

[sparklingphoenix]

 

There definitely are others. When I was married I made the decision to never have children (mostly because I could not bring myself to have them with my ex, and I wasn't ready for divorce). Where I am in life now, I am about 95% sure I will never have a child, and I accept that. But rest assured, you are not alone. I spent a lot of time on support sites for people who don't want children. You might be interested in checking some of them out. http://thechildfreelife.com/

 

 

I'm really excited to check this site out. I always knew I didn't feel good about having kids, but everyone always negated me on my feelings about it. It's really invalidating. I don't know if I would regret not having a child when I am old. I feel like I could be happy just with my partner, traveling and doing fun things together, not being stressed about providing for a child, but society always says the opposite is what I should do.

 

It's nice to hear your perspective. Sounds like you made a really good decision not to have kids with your ex. Having children involved in relationships that aren't working is horrible for everyone.  My biggest fear is that my SO will one day be really upset with me for not wanting kids. I've told him there is a really high chance we won't have any so I just hope he understands that and isn't hoping I'll change. 

[amateur]

Littlena, in answer to your question about was the divorce painful for me and my family, I think it was worst on me.  It was horribly financially devastating because I had lost my career after spending time home with the kids.  By 2008, when the economy tanked, I was 45 and nobody wanted to hire a woman my age who had only been working at a desperately-gotten part-time minimum-wage job after the divorce.  Nobody wanted to look back and realize I had a college education and had worked 20 years in offices in increasingly higher positions.  I got no replies from any job I applied for.  Except for other minimum-wage jobs.  Which I'm still working at today.  As far as my kids, my ex and I did the best we could for them and purposefully put them first, which is partly why I was working the part-time minimum-wage job I got right afterwards.  We actually shared the house for four years after we divorced, because we do get along and  never did fight, and I moved into the dining room downstairs and my ex kept the bedroom upstairs.  I chose the downstairs because that way I had the freedom to date and come and go at night after the kids went to bed, which I took full advantage of.  I eventually bought my own house three minutes from where my ex lived with my kids.  

 

We were open with the kids about the divorce, and answered the whys of it as honestly as we could in age-related ways.  They were 8 and 12 at the time.  As they got older, we shared a bit more, but not enough to get into any "ewww" factor (kids really don't want to know too many details about their parents' personal lives).  I won't discuss why we got divorced, out of respect for my ex, but there was no abuse and no infidelity.  Especially with abuse, I would have taken the kids safely away the first time something happened, and I hope my ex would have done the same if I had been abusive.

 

All of us get along, me, my current husband, my ex, and the kids.  We all still talk, get together for holidays if we're available, help each other out when needed.  I won't bad-mouth my ex to the kids, and won't let them say anything disrespectful about him (that's actually rare).  We both tried our best, we're both good parents, and my ex is a better friend than husband.  I don't think any of us are permanently scarred.  

 

I never intended on getting a divorce.  It was hard wrapping my mind around it.  I had a grandmother that had divorced in the 1920's because of abuse; most women back then stayed in abusive marriages and she stayed until he began abusing the kids, then she divorced.  She was financially devastated, and her ex faked his death to get out of alimony and child support.  She lived with the man who was my grandfather in the early 1930's, but he left when my dad was only three and my dad never saw him again until he was an adult.  My dad had a strange childhood for his time, but was a wonderful husband and father, the polar opposite of so many things he had lived through.  

 

My mom married and had kids late in life because the man she would have married was killed in WWII.  After the war, there was a huge shortage of available men, so a number of women her age never married or had kids.  She got lucky in meeting my dad, who was 10 years younger than her.

 

I don't see any difference between living together and marriage, if both people involved are committed to each other, faithful, and working together towards a future of their choice.  Any relationship where one person is unfaithful or abusive is a relationship that needs stopped.

 

Having kids or not is a personal choice with lots of personal reasons.  I'm 51, so I have a sister and friends that never had kids, some by choice and some because they never met a person they wanted to have kids with.  A few of them had some hard times in their 30's if they wanted kids but couldn't have them, but I'll tell you this.  By the early 40's, the hormones that send the "I want a baby" message are dying out, so my friends without children no longer cared by that age.  Women I now know in their 50's to early 60's with no kids could care less now that they never had kids, as they've had good meaningful careers and are set for their retirement age.

 

At this point in my life, I'm glad I got divorced, glad I dated around and had shitloads of fun, and glad I met my current husband.  Life keeps going on, and who knows what'll happen down the road?

 

The grandmother I mentioned above had a son, that in his late teens/early 20's, had planned out his life -- college, career, marriage, etc.  He had everything set up and ready to go.  Then WWII happened.  He ended up in the army, went overseas, his plans completely scrapped.  By the end of the war, American soldiers were put into German officers' houses while the Nazis were being taken out of power and the camps liberated.  My uncle ended up in a German officer's house where the officer was abusing his wife and children.  My uncle fought tooth and nail to help her get divorced and brought to America, and eventually did.  She was not greeted here with love, as she was a German (right after the war, this was not embraced), she and her children spoke only German, and she was 15 years older than my uncle.  But like my grandmother used to say, "Why make plans?  My son made plans, but WWII changed them all.  Who could have predicted WWII happening when they're 20 years old?"

 

Who can predict anything?  Do what feels right for you today and enjoy it.

[NoOne]

You guys are awesome

[sparklingphoenix]

amateur,

 

It seems like you and your ex handled family matters in a healthy way. You two sound a lot more mature in that department. I was pretty scarred from my whole family and parental divorce experience. I was involved in my parents' issues a lot more than I ever wanted to be. I might have a different outlook on marriage and children if that hadn't been so bad. I imagine that in reality, living together and being married are basically the same thing, but I'm wondering if marriage has a psychological effect that can make people feel trapped for life. My theory is that if I just live with my SO, maybe I won't get freaked out as much, or maybe our relationship has a better chance of success without all the legal binding stuff. I don't know. I think I just need some reason to blame relationship failure on.

 

Your grandmother had a crazy life! I can't imagine what she went through. From doing a lot of online reading of peoples' stories and life experiences, and reflecting on what I've been through, the safest way to go seems to be not having children. At least one good thing christians have going for them is that false sense of security about their life decisions... Everyone always says if you don't have children you'll regret it, but from what you said about you friends in their middle age, and from what I've read on that childfree life site, it seems that people who didn't want kids and never had them didn't regret it at all. I suppose it's really just a what if thing. I'm starting to feel more comfortable about that aspect of myself not wanting to be a parent. It's always been there, but everyone tries to invalidate it.

 

Thanks for your insight. I'm at this point where it's time for me to start living my own life, but I'm terrified that I'll screw it all up and be miserable just like what happened to my parents. My mom is happier now, but I know she wishes she had someone to be with. My dad basically has sabotaged every change he had of happiness and I can't even have him in my life anymore. I want to hear what those, like you, who have more experience so I can try to learn and not fuck up my life.  >.< Your grandmother sounds like a wise person. No one has ever told me before not to plan too much. It's always questions like, "what's your future plan for your life?" What a crazy question. No matter what you plan, it never seems to go accordingly. It's kind of freeing to try to live for today. Thanks again!