sarie123 Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Hi. I'm new here not sure how this goes but here's my story. I grew up in a fundamentalist Pentecostal church/family. Even within the church our family was pretty extreme, my mother especially. I was the least compliant, more strong willed and questioning than my siblings so I was the "difficult one". I suffered psychological and emotional abuse because of this. I remember growing up with this overwhelming sense of wrongness and self disgust. Often I wouldn't even know what Id done wrong, just that I was a bad and sinful person.I was often told to go to my room and really think about my sin which I did and resulted in the obsessive negative self-analysis and self loathing I battle with even now. I was terrified of the consequences of my sin. One time, my family disappeared for a while, only me and my brother were there and we thought the rapture had happened, it was sheer terror. One of my teachers from school told mum that he thought I was depressed (about 9yrs old), and her answer was to change my school and I guess pray a little more. I only recently found that out. In my teens the church went crazy after revival prophecies. We were involved in meetings 6 days a week from prayer to music practice to youth etc. I was a weird mix of jeusu freak, slightly rebellious and deeply troubled. meetings would go late into the night with very strange goings on, people rolling on the ground screaming etc. I was caught up in that. To complicate things I'm quite musically talented so that set me apart. At 16 I was leading worship for a congregation of 100s, being prophesied over about how I was anointed by god. Then at home I would be consumed with self hate and I would self harm and struggled with disordered eating etc. After one of my prophesies turned into a public rebuke and humiliation because my secret boyfriend was not church sanctioned, we left. I was 18. This was 15 years ago and my recovery process has been slow and steady. Due to complicated life circumstances I find myself back in my home town, closer to family and many people/ places/ things that affect me more than I would like them to. has anyone got advice/ insight into being back to the scene of the crime so to speak, and also on how to have an honest relationship with family that's still in the church. I've just been biting my tongue and being perfectly civil but its hurting me inside... Sorry this is so long. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Welcome, Sarie. Sorry to hear about the traumatic events, especially those that happened at such a young age. Lots of people here have been through similar things, and they will have suggestions for you. I too have found myself alone at times and worrying that the rapture has happened, I can really relate to that. And also to the pressure of a leadership type role being put on you as a teenager. IMO that's too much pressure for teenagers, who should be left alone to concentrate on school and being a teenager. It certainly didn't do me any good to be a youth group leader at 15. I drank alcohol with the younger teenagers and got rebuked for that, lol. I think biting your tongue and being civil are excellent strategies. Also trying to limit the time you spend with people who trigger you and/or have poor boundaries. Feel free to come here and vent if it helps you. Maybe there are fellow ex-christians or secular people in your town who can relate? Another idea is to see a good therapist if you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue elephant Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Just wanted to say welcome from another Aussie! What has brought you back to your home town? Unemployment? There's a bit of that going around at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overcame Faith Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 The old wounds seldom just disappear. Rather, all too often, they linger until they are triggered by some life event. It may be that being back in your hometown has opened those old wounds. Don't suppress them, but think about them and help yourself come to terms in a way that will help you. Try to find someone you can open up with so you can have a free discussion about it all. If you can find no one near you, then use ExC for that purpose. One thing I promise you is that we have collectively been through it all. No matter how lonely you may feel right now, you have likeminded friends here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarie123 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 Thanks blue elephant, overcame faith and free thinker nz. I haven't found anyone around here that i can relate to about this which is why im glad i came here My answer to your question of why I'm back here blue elephant is long winded and complicated and I hope I won't be judged too much for it... After I left the church I got pregnant. My son has autism of high severity and extremely high needs. Basically he needs supervision 24/7. When he was 7, I was a single mum with 2 kids really struggling and not coping. My parents stepped in and took over his care. He's 13 now. First I stayed where I was and visited him every month, 3 yrs ago I moved closer and visited 2x a week. Now I'm back in town here as I felt its the right thing to do. However, because of all of this my relationship with my parents is kind of unhealthy. I feel guilt and shame and as if I will be indebted to them forever. what they have done has changed both money and my sons life. I find it hard to not see them as some kind of god alternative actually... beyond reproach, and as though I have to answer to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 An alternative way of looking at it is that (I think) most parents, xian or not, would have stepped in to help their daughter and grandson, and would never expect anything in return except gratitude. You have increased your contact with your son as much as you were/are able to, and good on you for that. Logically, there is no reason for you to feel guilt or shame. Unplanned pregnancy can happen to anyone, any child can be born with disability, and most single parents would struggle incredibly to care for a child with your son's level of need. Some parents would have given him up for adoption, or never asked for help and he would have been at risk. You did the best you could at the time (with each decision) and for what it's worth I commend you for the choices you made. I don't know if I would have been brave enough to do what you did. Lots of kids with disabilities don't get the kind of care and love and support that your son gets from you. Autism is not easy to live with, and I think your parents will appreciate you being around as he gets bigger and goes through the teenage years. You are doing the best that you can. Be gentler on yourself, as much as possible. Your relationship with your parents in the future can be healthy. You are all adults and responsible for your choices. They chose to help because they love you and your son. They may well have been more stressed out if they hadn't stepped in. Being xians does not make their choice more likely. My parents have helped me a lot since I got sick, lost my job, and moved in with them. I could see it as a debt I can never repay, or I could choose to see it as their choice. I pay full rent and do as much housework as I can, and they enjoy my company and support (they are elderly). We are all muddling along, doing the best we can with the circumstances we find ourselves in. I choose not to tell them I'm now an atheist, and luckily they don't pressure me about their faith. Humans have evolved to have strong kinship bonds, it's a survival strategy. That's why, for most of us, we want to help family in times of need more than strangers. You and I are very fortunate to have families that want to help. I think your parents know how grateful you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarie123 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 Thanks for saying that I really needed to hear it today. I'm glad to hear you're able to live with your parents pretty comfortably. Its really good.You seem able to look at things in a really practical way that isn't clouded by too much emotion. logically, I can see what you're saying is right, I just hope to be able to really believe that in my heart one day! Thanks again for your response. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Hey, my pleasure, glad I can help. These days I try to approach my problems by trying to be as logical as possible, then when I have automatic negative thoughts about them, I can choose between at least two options for how to think about them. My natural instinct is to be emotional and my thoughts can get pretty negative. I've struggled a lot with depression over the years. My upbringing also taught me to have black and white thinking. So it's a constant battle to use the logical part of my brain to turn those thoughts around, and just to be aware that there is always another way to look at things. I also think it can help to have another person's point of view... I am lucky to have a psychologist who affirmed me and told me I could improve things, which gave me a glimmer of hope at a time when I didn't believe in myself. Eventually step by step I found I could deal with things better. Another thing about a xian upbringing is it can make us into perfectionists. Outside xianity, in the real world, it's ok not to be perfect. Doing your best is awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Welcome. It seems to me that the extent to which you can have a healthy relationship with your parents (by which I would mean one that is not to the detriment of either them or you) depends very much on their attitude towards you. Keeping it civil may prove the best possible. You, however, owe nothing to those who have seen what they (presumably) regard as family duty and decided to act upon it. A test of their integrity will be whether they try to turn it into a debt to hold over you. I also get the impression that finding a decent secular counselor may be to your advantage. All the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StJeffTheIncomprehensible Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Hi sarie, It's good to meet you. I'm sorry you've had a rough go of it--I'm afraid I can't be of much help with your current issue--I'm still trying to figure out the best course myself as far as relating to fellow-Christians I was once very close to. Hopefully you can stick around here, get some good advice and support, and a few laughs. There are some wise people here who've struggled through many of the same issues you're facing. Good luck on your journey! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarie123 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Hi , thanks guys, nice to meet you too. I do think my family and I can have a good relationship. I was in a bit of a hole the other day when I wrote that, but a bit of perspective and positive advice does definitely help. I think my parents don't really hold this over me, at least not intentionally at all. A few recent comments/ attitudes they had made me react the way I did. after looking at it from the other side, I know that they get a lot of their self-worth through their perfectionism and they do deserve to feel good about themselves. I'll never be able to change that about them, all I can work on is not letting that make me feel bad about myself. Which I guess comes from being strong enough in my own self. I was seeing a counsellor, but stopped cause I thought I didn't need to anymore lol. .maybe I should again. St Jeff- with being able to relate to Christians you used to be close to I agree with ellinas that it really depends on their attitude to you. If you're able to have differences of opinion and still respect each other, that's the only way it can work I think. I lost a lot of friends who looked down on me and the only thing they'd want for me is to reconvert. a good friend will at least try to care about you as a person beyond their opinion of the state of your soul. I hope you can find some common interests and ways to hang out with these friends of yours where the whole issue of Christianity isn't central to the friendship. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarie123 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Oops I didn't mean to say my own answer was the best answer. sorry I am computer illiterate... :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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