AnonymousCoward Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Having been out of Christianity for just over a year, I had always rolled my eyes when the topic of religious trauma syndrome came up or how bad religion is. I had understood that many people had not had the good experience with Christianity that I have had with some having all kinds of abuse, but I felt that was problems with the abuse itself rather than religion. I thought that for people like myself, religion was mostly a neutral to maybe slightly bad thing, but definitely not anything that needed to be labelled "trauma". I recently discovered the Godless in Dixie blog on Patheos and have been reading through the archives. One of the posts was a letter to God written before the author's deconversion. I realized I had a similar letter written literally weeks before I walked away. It was a Psalm I was required to write for the small group I was in at the time. I re-read it last night for the first time since I walked away and I couldn't believe the fact that I once thought that way - thoughts that were completely normal and encouraged at the time. Here are some snippets: "I've known about you since I can remember. Yet the rebellion does not seem to subside. If I loved you, I would keep your commandments. But I don’t consistently keep your commandments." "Are you changing me? Twenty years! How long does it take? The Holy Spirit descended on the disciples and boom. Those cowardly deserters were willing to lay it all on the line for you in an instant. Go to the corners of the Earth to preach your name. I can’t even preach your name in the corners of my office. Where’s my transformation? I don’t want to say you owe me transformation, but you promised! Do I have to wait for eternity?" "Sometimes I even doubt your existence. Quiet times can feel like going to a coffee shop Only to find my date has no intention of showing. How can an omnipresent God be so hidden?" "Why would an all-powerful God create… me? I should think that you can do better than this. Can the creator really make such a mistake? Or was it on purpose, Some kind of cosmic joke? Did the potter decide that this clay must be a toilet bowl, And I have no right or ability to question why?" "I still cannot get over my sin. You punished the only sinless man for my sins? That’s not justice. It doesn't make sense!" "If I really had faith, would I continue to be asking these questions, Demanding these answers, and continuing to doubt you?" Needless to say, I was shocked at what I had wrote in my 900-word Psalm-style rant. I can't believe I never saw what Christianity was doing to me and shaping how I saw myself. I'm amazed and happy at how far I've come now that only a year later these words seem so foreign to me and utterly ridiculous. Just when I was getting nostalgic about what I left behind, I'm able to see what I really left behind. I also want to extend a great thank you to this community. I may not post on here much, but I read a lot of what you all post if I can find the time. This community has helped me greatly to shed a lot of those thoughts that I once thought were normal and healthy. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geezer Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 We believed what we did and thought the things we did because we had been indoctrinated. In other words, we weren't in our right minds. We had allowed others to take control of our minds, thoughts, and actions. We had become mind numb religious robots. We are free now but we must never forget where we came from and what a powerful tool indoctrination is. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnFundEd Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 Thanks for sharing this very personal introspection. Your psalm makes several good points. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindingFreedom Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I always felt that the messages of Christianity were always so positive until I deconverted. Now I see the subtle and not so subtle ways it causes self-hatred, intolerance, and judgement among other things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SCM Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 this is pretty similar to my line of thinking before I de-converted (i never wrote things down though). this kind of thinking characterized my mid teens -of course it seemed so normal, a positive even that i was suffering. glad to see you got out of it. thanks for the post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yunea Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 this kind of thinking characterized my mid teens -of course it seemed so normal, a positive even that i was suffering. This. We're taught at church that we're clay dishes that must be broken, shattered into little pieces before God can rebuild and remold us, and after the rebuilding there's freedom, joy, inner certainty that you're going to heaven, gifts to heal people with, etc etc...so feeling bad and broken means you're on the right road, praise God. I wonder how many people are depressed, anxious and ocd because of this, and feeling guilty over not being happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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