My Deconversion Story

[DirtyBird2]

Hi there! I'm a 16 year old guy who is going through decoversion. I have been "lurking" around this forum for a while and finally decided to join. Sorry for the boring title I couldn't think of anything else haha. Anyway here is my story (I hope its not too long and hopefully there aren't too many grammar mistakes or anything )

 

My family is Christian and I was born and still live in the Southern United States (and as you probably know there are lots of Christians down here). All my friends were and still are Christian. I didn't and still don't know any non christians and definitely not any ex-christians. 

 

I was saved around 10 years old. I genuinely believed in Christianity. I believed that Jesus died for our sins and raised himself from the dead, believed he was God's son etc. My salvation story is pretty short: basically one day my mom was like "so do you really want to be a Christian"? "Do you believe in Jesus."? I was thinking to myself "ummm are you crazy?? Why wouldn't I want be a Christian"?? I just said "yes of course I want to be a Christian and I believe in Jesus". We said a prayer and that was that. 

 

I did my best to live a Christian life. I prayed at least once a day, tried to be nice and to be like Jesus, went to church pretty much every week etc. I didn't read the bible a whole lot and I didn't really go around trying to spread the word. Other than that I guess I was at least a half decent Christian. Things began to go downhill when I couldn't overcome a certain sin. I'm not going to go into much detail about the sin itself because its embarassing. Don't worry though its not weed or alcohol or anything bad like that. 

 

So I couldn't overcome this sin. It didn't matter how much I prayed about it. I couldn't overcome it. It was really embarrassing and I really didn't want to talk to anyone about it so I just left it between me and God. I prayed to God about how to stop this and his "answer" was "go tell your parents".

 

I didn't want to tell my parents and wasn't sure why I needed to. God didn't actually speak to me of course, but after I prayed he gave me that "answer". It was horrible. I felt like God really, really wanted me to tell my parents for some reason and there was just no way I could do that. I felt terrible and worthless because I couldn't stop this sin. This was the beginning of something truly horrible, scrupulosity (religious OCD).

 

It got worse and worse from there. Besides thinking constantly "what happens if I don't tell my parents about my sin", I worried a lot about other things too like "did I ask forgiveness for that sin" "Is God mad at me for doing this" "do I ask for forgiveness too much"?. I also had bad thoughts about God that I didn't want to have, worried I wasn't a good enough Christian and more. Eventually I started to worry about my salvation (more on that soon).

 

When I started to read about bible prophecies (endtimes and whatnot) I got completely freaked out and paranoid. I was freaked out that the Great Tribulation was about to begin and I would end up not getting caught up in the Rapture and have to be martyred. Or if the post-tribulation Rapture theory was true, then I would still be killed for being a Christian and not taking the Mark of The Beast. It got so bad I was almost in a trance like state. I did my best to hide my fear (and did a pretty good job) but I was miserable inside.

 

As you can see I started to worry about everything (about Christianity) basically. I mentioned that I started to worry about my salvation. That began when I visited a friends church. Mine is Methodist (I still have to go to church, ugh...), this was a Pentecostal church I think. They place a big emphasis on spiritual gifts and speaking in tongues. A pastor there asked me if I was saved and if I died tonight would I go to heaven. I said yes, but was a bit unsure. Even though I believed in Jesus and thought I was going to heaven, no one had really ever asked me that and I was worried. All of a sudden I didn't feel saved. He asked me if I had been baptised in the Holy Spirit and if I could speak in tongues. I was like "whaaaaaaat"? So he prayed over me and asked God to baptize me in the Holy Spirit. Then he told me to speak in tongues. I couldn't. Everyone else was but I had no idea what was going on or what I was supposed to do. According to them you're supposed to be able to speak in tongues after you get saved. I prayed and prayed to God to give me the ability to speak in tongues. I still couldn't. So I figured maybe I wasn't saved at all. I read Bible verses about salvation and asked God to save me several times. I still couldnt speak in tongues and I still didn't feel saved.

 

Eventually my mom found out and told me the speaking in tongues thing wasn't true. I was shocked because I figured every denomination taught the absolute truth. I started doing research on different denominations and was surprised about how different they were compared to Methodism. Some were so different (like the Baptist) they had different beliefs about salvation itself! With the Baptist church if you aren't baptised (and you have to be submerged) you're going to Hell. Some of the more hardcore Pentecostal churches teach that if you can't speak in tongues you aren't saved.

 

I started looking for the true version of Christianity and the real way to be saved. There are so many different beliefs about salvation within Christianity and within each denomination its insane. Like one belief is "just believe in Jesus's existence"! That can be countered by "Even the devil and his demons believe in Jesus" (or whatever that verse is). "You are saved by faith alone when you accept Jesus as your savior". But the Bible says "faith is dead without works". See what I mean?? There is the "get baptised by submersion and you're saved" "surrender your life to Jesus and you're saved" and a lot more. They all sound similar for the most part but are very very different if you think about it.  And I'm just barely scratching the surface here there are a lot more...

 

I went with the "faith alone in Jesus Christ saves you" theory but I still constantly worried about burning in Hell for eternity because I might not really be saved. I prayed to God and kept asking me what the right way to be saved is and whether or not I was saved. No answer...  There are Bible verses about "tests" you can take to see if you are truly saved but I couldn't tell either way.

 

And I still had that certain sin I couldn't stop. Eventually I was like "f******* this I'm done" and just gave up. I kept telling myself "I'm on a dark path"... That and the constant worrying and confusion about being saved led me to begin to worry that I would lose my faith. I had never really heard of this though so I did some research. And I was shocked how common it was. I read people's stories on this site and other sites. I read about contradictions and other problems with the Bible and I began to question everything. 

 

Another problem was Hell. How could God BURN AND F********ING TORMENT the majority of humanity for eternity?!?! Sure there are some bad guys like Hitler. But most people in Hell and going to Hell are either a part of another religion or just don't believe in Christianity. I don't care what Christians say no one really deserves to burn in torment for eternity. Like I said there have been guys like Hitler but they are an extremely small minority. There are a lot of debates about Hell and this has already gotten waaaayyy too long so I won't get into all that. I just don't believe Hell can be justified. 

 

Well thats about it. Eventually I deconverted around the summer of last year. There have been times (and I still have them a lot) I felt like I should go back. I still worry about Hell a lot. I've been depressed about this and have had suicidal thoughts. I hope talking to people about will help me overcome it.

 

I'm down but I'm not out. I will persevere. I won't give up. I will find the truth. Those who read all the way through this, thank you! 

[Ellinas]

Welcome,

 

Firstly, regarding your suicidal thoughts - if this is still an issue please try somehow to get some professional, secular treatment.  I appreciate that may be difficult in your location and situation, but your safety and well-being is the paramount issue.

 

Secondly, your path out of Christianity via research and finding contradictions is a good foundation for you to build a future free of these lies.  You should be proud of yourself.

 

Thirdly, I suspect you would find it difficult to return to the faith.  Once you've seen through this, you can't "un-see it".

 

Fourthly, I suspect that your environment is likely to leave you needing to let off a lot of steam at times.  Feel free to shout and rant here.  Most of us know something of the frustrations.

 

Finally, all the best in your new-found intellectual freedom.

[LifeCycle]

First off, sometimes the suicidal thoughts are just that. Lots of people have them and it doesn't mean you're suicidal but if you're really thinking that's a valid option, you should seek personal help in that area. I've had thoughts like that and I'm not entirely convinced it's that abnormal... But I'm no expert.

 

De-converting can overload you with a lot of baggage. As a child still living with Christian parents, that baggage can be immense. I discarded my faith in my adult life so that is one aspect I have no experience with. I can relate to your fears of hell though. It can be one of the toughest final obstacles to overcome but you can do it. There's not many things that manipulate people better than fear itself. It helps keep the myths alive and the pastors pockets lined but in the end it's a fairy-tale just like the rest of it. There's a ton of Christians that don't believe in hell at all. I mean, the religion itself doesn't even have a universal stance on the matter.

 

When I was your age, I was worried I wasn't saved all the time. I browbeat myself and it really caused me a lot of insecurity that I carry with me to this day. Religion is great at making us feel like we're worthless. It keeps us coming back.

 

Just continue to think positively about all of this. You have your entire life in front you. You can be free of the controlling dogma and fear and explore anything and everything with the possibility of learning something new or a new perspective... Life can be amazing and beautiful and an endless joyride of astonishment. Keep on pushing forward.

[Overcame Faith]

Welcome to ExC, DirtyBird2.

 

You wrote a very interesting deconversion story. Thank you for sharing it.

 

I think it was a good thing for you to have gone to that Pentecostal church because it gave you a way to begin to compare probably one of the most fundamental aspects of Christianity. If two or more denominations cannot even agree on how one is saved, it is not the fault of the denominations. Rather, the fault is much deeper. The fault is with the Bible because each denomination can and does point to various scriptures to support their viewpoints. That means that the Bible, itself, is defective because it cannot even be used to determine one's salvation.

 

Don't worry about whatever "sin" got you all worried. There is no such thing as sin. So long as you are not harming yourself or anyone else, don't give it a second thought. It's just some terrible guilt trip which you need not endure.

 

Glad you're here.

[StJeffTheIncomprehensible]

Hi Dirtybird, fellow southerner,

 

Thanks for sharing your story with us. First things first--as others have mentioned, get some real help if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts. And yes, talking with others, even here virtually, could be helpful. Please stay engaged with us, we're all on your side!

 

It's nice to see someone so young see religion for what it is. When I was 16 I was The Preacher Boy-wonder, and bought the whole story as true. I had doubts (I think everyone does, even if they don't admit it), but I thought it was just me, not my religion, that was weak. At least I found out eventually . . .

 

Now. About this sin that's caused you such trouble. If it's what I think it is, quit your worrying. We ALL do it.

 

Take care, friend, and stick around. I think you'll find much to help you along the way.

[TrueFreedom]

Hi DirtyBird2, 

 

Welcome!  It's always great to see somebody breaking free of religion while they are young enough to work toward a great future free of dogmatic restrictions.  I hope that you continue to give yourself permission to think skeptically and consider ideas contrary to the axioms you have grown up with.

 

It sounds like you already realize how ridiculous the idea of hell is--nothing to fear about such a sadistic concept.  I hope that you continue to feel better and more free from the tyranny of evangelical Christian dogma!

[DirtyBird2]

Nice to meet you all! Thanks everyone for checking out my story and your kind words! Definitely very encouraging 

 

Ellinas, Those thoughts are not bad enough that I need professional help or anything, but if it gets that bad I'll do what I can. I'll be alright though. You're right, my safety, health and well being are very important. Thanks for your compliments! I'm going to continue to do research and keep an open mind, I think that is the best way to approach this. You're right on about not being able to unsee all this. It would be very difficult to get back into Christianity with all the problems it has. Yes I definitely get frustrated at times... Now I finally have people to talk to about it and place to rant and blow off steam.

 

LifeCycle, Yeah thats a good point you can have those thoughts without actually being suicidal. I mean I haven't even come close to trying to kill myself I just have some bad thoughts every once in a while. I just try not to dwell on them and definitely not act on them. That is a good point about the doctrine of Hell,  they can't even agree on that. I need to do some more research about that, I think it would help. Worrying about Hell is probably my biggest hurdle to overcome right now. 

 

Overcame Faith, Yes going to the Pentecostal church was a blessing in disguise. A real eye opener. I'm pretty sure this church didn't have anything radically different about salvation itself however. I don't think they believed you would go to Hell if you couldn't speak in tongues like some churches do. Sorry if I wasn't clear about that. But still it was so much different than my church. You make a great point about Christians not being able to agree on the whole point of the religion, salvation. Its not a denominational problem its a problem with the religion itself. As for the sin yeah its not harmful to anyone or to me. I don't worry about much anymore.

 

StJeff, Thanks, your right talking to other people even virtually would helpful. If it gets worse I definitely will talk to people about here or somewhere else. Yeah its probably a good thing I got out of Christianity early because I still have my whole life ahead of me. It looks like you figured out the sin lol . I didn't want to mention it directly but I figured someone would figure out what it was. 

 

TrueFreedom, Thanks, I'm definitely looking forward to getting my life back on track. Hell is a crazy concept but for some reason I still worry about it. At some point I hope to overcome it.

[00LukeMan]

Welcome! Thanks for sharing your story. I always enjoy hearing how different and yet similar we can be.

 

I can empathize with you on a couple points, the first being sin. When I was a Christian, I tried so hard all the time. I was terribly depressed for a long while because I felt caught in a dilemma regarding sin and sanctification: If sanctification (the process of being made holy and sinless) is only up to god, then why won't he do it and make me good? If it is at all up to me, then I'm screwed because I can't fight my own nature. Either way, not good.

It took a long while, but realizing that there really is no such thing as sin was an immense relief. If I messed up now, that's all it was, a mistake. Since my sin (likely the same as yours) isn't actually hurting anyone (and it certainly isn't breaking the Divinely Imposed Law of the Universe), then it's not wrong. At worst, it might be unwise if I were causing myself problems, but that's it.

I don't know about you, but I've been looking at humanism a lot since (I'm now realizing) it is essentially what I held deep down before, now there's just nothing in the way.

 

You are the one in charge of your life. If you want something, work to get it. If you don't like something, work to change it. But it's up to you what you do with your own life.

 

The other issue I can kind of empathize with is hell, except I was the other way around. Don't get me wrong, the idea of the majority of the human race being tortured beyond imagination FOREVER is absolutely unacceptable to me, and I certainly wouldn't want to join them if that were the case. But the thing that bothered me even more before I quit faith was the idea of heaven. If that kind of hell were real, and there were a god like the one described in the Bible, I definitely wouldn't want to spend eternity with that monster.

 

So yeah, you're not alone, not even close.

Welcome, keep learning, think critically, live your own life and make it a good one!

 

Luke

[Llwellyn]

DB --

 

Thanks for your story!  I'm guessing that if your parents are like most parents I know, and if they attend a United Methodist Church, then they would probably never want for you the negative experience that you had.  They would probably be shocked and horrified by the negative effect that the religion has had on your experoience of life, and would probably prefer that you become an atheist rather than be plagued by a noxious religion that they only half-believe themselves.  If you were frank with your parents, they would probably be very empathetic, sympathetic, and prove themselves worthy of the word "parent."  I know that this was the case for me, even thought my parents are very fundamentalist and are even full-time ministry workers.  Take a chance to see if you can trust them -- I bet you can.  You would be taking a big risk, but there could be a big pay-off, as there was for me.  Thanks for the story, good luck on your journey, and I am very envious of your early rejection of the meme -- I myself was a decade older than you before I realized there was something "not quite right" about the idea of divine curses.  As they say "Life is Tremendous" and it just got a lot better for you -- enjoy it!

[Margee]

Hi DirtyBird! And thank you for sharing your story. The OCD  we develop because of religion is unbelievable, isn't it?! I can relate to your story on so many levels. It still to this very day, peeves me off at how religion can screw up one's head. I despise how it hurts innocent humans and I'm so sorry you were hurt. Keep posting all your concerns!

 

I'm glad you found us and I'm looking forward to hearing more from you. Welcome to Ex-c!

 

Hug

[DirtyBird2]

Luke- You know, I never really thought about sanctification. I was so worried about being saved, I didn't really think about sanctification which happens afterwards. I can definitely relate about worrying about not being able to overcome sin though. I don't know much about humanism but it sounds like a good cause. You made a great point about heaven. I've been thinking about it some lately and it sounds pretty bad if you ask me. In fact I might make a topic here about that soon.

 

Llwelln- I have thought about telling my parents. We do go to a United Methodist Church. They're good parents but I have no idea how they would react. They would probably be shocked and angry at first but I think they would probably be understanding and supportive after a little while. I'm more afraid about them stressing out that I will go to Hell. At some point I may need to tell them but I don't think I should yet. 

 

​Margee- Yes its crazy how religious OCD/Scrupulosity can screw up your mind. I feel that my mind is an a much better state compared to when I was a Christian. I still worry about things like Hell but its a lot better overall. I read your Please Forgive Me letter, very well written and I can relate to a lot of it.

[Aiyana]

DirtyBird, I am so glad that you're here. My heart really goes out to you. I too experienced so much OCD and anxiety because of Christianity. It pisses me off that you have had to go through all of that... but you are obviously an intelligent person... too intelligent not to see through the lies. There's a lot more I could say, but I'll leave it at that.

 

I see you are into NFL football... me too.

[DirtyBird2]

DirtyBird, I am so glad that you're here. My heart really goes out to you. I too experienced so much OCD and anxiety because of Christianity. It pisses me off that you have had to go through all of that... but you are obviously an intelligent person... too intelligent not to see through the lies. There's a lot more I could say, but I'll leave it at that.

 

I see you are into NFL football... me too.

Thank you! Sorry to hear you had to deal with anxiety and OCD as well. I feel sorry for anyone that had to go through or is going through that. Yes, I love me some NFL football!

[RoodAwakening]

Welcome, DB2!  

 

I can totally relate to your story - you were pretty much me 20 years ago ("sin" and all).  Happy to report I survived, but really wish I had started down the godless path at your age - it would have saved me a couple decades of grief.  

 

Religion tries to control the mind of its adherents through fear tactics and psychological manipulation (as in telling you that what comes naturally to nearly all humans at some point is a dirty sin and makes you worthy of eternal torment).  It's hard to escape something that you've been soaked in since birth, but you'll make it.  Keep an open mind, and know that you are a good person simply because you are alive - not because some crazy deity f---ed up his initial creation and decided he had to commit suicide to save a wretch like you.

 

It takes a lot of guts to do what you've done, and we're all here to help you out.  Well done on making the first steps!

[AndrewTomlinson]

Hi, DirtyBird2. I was about your age when I started to truly question my beliefs as well. I'm so glad you got an early start on it!

 

My parents are very kind and loving people and, from your description, yours sound like a similar pair. When I told them I didn't believe in a god anymore, they all but dismissed it as a doubting phase that I would get over. Their solution was to give me Bible verses to look at and trusted their god to fix me. Unfortunately, I can't tell you how this story ends. I've never been very open or vocal about my atheism - with occasional exceptions when an uncle tries to bash science at Xmas dinner. My parents are still in my life and for the most part supportive of me. I hope that yours will be too, whenever you choose to tell them.

[Jeff]

Welcome. How I envy your age + unbelief.