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Goodbye Jesus

The Long Fight Is Over


MarieVerus

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On Easter I realized that I wasn't a Christian any more. 

After years of and off and on battle with my evangelical heritage, including forays into Catholicism, conservative Anglicanism, and progressive Episcopalianism, I found I simply didn't believe it any more. 

It was a gradual unraveling, rather than a one time forsaking of my former faith. I spent all of this past holy week trying to conjure up emotions of devotion, something that's not difficult for me to do, and found I couldn't because I no longer was devoted. 

It's been a long fight against cognitive dissonance. From bawling my eyes out at age 12 when my fundamentalist Baptist pastor told me that as a woman I could never be ordained, to fighting against oppressive policies at my Chrisitan liberal arts college, to leaving an Anglican church because of their disdain for LGBT people, to being frustrated with progressive Christianity's lip service to abuse victims while in practice throwing them under the bus, it's now finally done. 

I might find the nerve to tell the whole story one day, but it's too painful to recount it all now. 

Suffice it to say, the past few years I've been becoming more liberal, more scientifically and historically informed, and more unable to justify holding onto Christianity. 

Even becoming a progressive or liberal Christian didn't quell the problems. 

Right now, I feel tribe-less. I feel alone. I feel like I want to plug in somewhere but I don't know where. Terms like "atheist" or "agnostic" don't fit me. Maybe pantheist. Even before being converted as a young child I prayed, without any prompting from my family since they were agnostics. So I'm exploring different spiritualities. 

But even with the feelings of depression, hurt, anger, loneliness, and betrayal, I am relieved that the fight I spent far too long on is finally over. I don't have to justify the horrors in a holy book, to do ideological gymnastics to make troubling theology palatable. It's time to move on to bigger and better things. 

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Welcome, ((MarieVenus))!  You are not alone.  :)

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Welcome MV.  You are welcome to join our tribe.

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Hello MV.

 

I am pretty new here also. I would like to say that this site has a huge amount of support and very helpful people. Tell your full story at your own pace. I know for me spilling the beans here has so far helped me and also helped me advance on my journey for knowledge. I hope you find your answers.

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Welcome to the forums!  I've just posted my very first topic on here even though I've been out of the Christian fold for over a year now.  It takes time to heal and get your feet under you after the initial shock of realizing that what you've believed all your life might just not be all it was cracked up to be.

 

If I could encourage you in one area - don't spend too much time worrying about getting a label for yourself (atheist, pantheist, etc).  That stressed me out too early on - I wasn't ready to commit to complete unbelief, especially not right away.  Just relax into it, do some research in your own time, and know you're not alone.

 

Looking forward to hearing more from you as you move along your journey.  All the best.

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Suffice it to say, the past few years I've been becoming more liberal, more scientifically and historically informed, and more unable to justify holding onto Christianity. 

 

Welcome, MarieVenus and thank you for sharing part of your story with us. I can relate to you on so many levels. The above statement would be exactly how I felt.  At least you have found an on-line site where you will feel at home. Someone is always here to listen and that means a lot when we realize that the christian god was a big lie. It has taken me over 6,000 posts to finally feel comfortable in the world again. Keep posting all your concerns. We are here for you.

 

Big (hug) for you today.

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It gets better with the passing of time. I find it interesting that there are so many similarities in all of our de-conversion stories. Oh yeah, welcome aboard.

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Welcome, Marie, glad you're here.

 

I see that it has only been a few days since you accepted that you are no longer a Christian. I remember quite clearly the day I finally rejected Christianity some seven years ago, now. I went to bed wondering if I would be a different person when I woke up the next morning. That next morning I was pleased to learn that there were no dramatic changes - I wasn't some evil serial killer now that I had rejected Christianity. LOL.

 

Give yourself time to come to terms with your new life free from Christianity. You have a group of people here, many of whom have been through very similar experiences as you in terms of leaving the religion behind.

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Welcome MV!

 

I totally agree with RoodAwakening that you shouldn't concern yourself with labels anymore. It really doesn't matter. You are finally FREE - concentrate on that!

 

And this is a great place to share thoughts / feelings and random moods. Please feel free to pour out anything you want on here - that's why we've all come to this corner of the web. We need each other to heal and feel 'normal' again.

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Thanks for the support everyone. 

The bottom has fallen out from beneath my worldview, so even though I intellectually know that hunting for a label isn't the best idea, part of me really wants to find one. "Christian" is such a huge identity marker that there's this huge sense of loss and this desperation that I need to hurry up and fill the void with some other belief system. On an intellectual level I know that that's not the case, but on an emotional level it's difficult to not rush into finding a new label. 

But it's amazing that I still am who I am. Like Overcame Faith said, I thought I was scared I'd be some horrible person. But I still want to rescue animals, have compassion on my fellow humans, and be an introverted homebody, just like I was before, things I was told I'd lose if I wasn't a believer. :-) 

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Thanks for the support everyone. 

 

The bottom has fallen out from beneath my worldview, so even though I intellectually know that hunting for a label isn't the best idea, part of me really wants to find one. "Christian" is such a huge identity marker that there's this huge sense of loss and this desperation that I need to hurry up and fill the void with some other belief system. On an intellectual level I know that that's not the case, but on an emotional level it's difficult to not rush into finding a new label. 

 

But it's amazing that I still am who I am. Like Overcame Faith said, I thought I was scared I'd be some horrible person. But I still want to rescue animals, have compassion on my fellow humans, and be an introverted homebody, just like I was before, things I was told I'd lose if I wasn't a believer. :-) 

You'll find as you progress that you will eventually be able to attribute ALL of your good traits (rescuing animals, compassion, etc) to yourself and yourself alone - and not to a deity who gave them to you in spite of your intrinsic unworthiness.  Once you are able to grasp that, you'll start to feel much, much better.

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Welcome.

 

It's early days.  Take your time.

 

What you do or do not settle on as your new worldview, what label (if any) you adopt or what tribe (if any) you decide you belong to are all issues that will sort out themselves as you continue to think your way through this process.  You may even come to the view that none of that matters as much as the process itself - never mind the goal, just enjoy the ride.

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Hi Marie, your story was painful to read--that shock of first awareness can really shake things up. For most people, I think it fades over time. I had slowly detached from church and faith for a while before my conscious decision to give up the farce, which made it somewhat easier for me. Anyway, this is a good place with some people who know what you're feeling. Good luck!

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You haven't lost yourself, just an outdated belief system that was holding you down.  You're like a balloon that's just cut it's strings.  Yeah, it's scary, really scary.  We used to be Christian balloons, tied down to the anchor of Christianity.  Now we're flying solo.  Christianity for me was an extra limb, like having an extra arm attached to my body.  I tried so hard to make it feel natural.  I tried to make it a part of my life.  I tried to make myself cry every time I forced myself to read about the crucifixion.  I tried to force my mind to get in line with the Holy Spirit- by agreeing with everything Christ said and did, even though my spirit did not even like this man Christ.  When I left Christianity, it was an amputation.  I'm still having "phantom pains."  I still feel like a big part of me is missing.  But having that extra "limb" was never natural.  It was never, and is never, going to fit in my life.  The cross has brought me only pain.  For so long I hung upon that cross with Christ.  It is time to get down now.  It is time to walk away.  It is time to recognize that a savior who demands that we "carry a cross" all our lives is not much a savior at all. 

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Hi MV, welcome to Ex-C from me too.  

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It's been a long fight against cognitive dissonance. From bawling my eyes out at age 12 when my fundamentalist Baptist pastor told me that as a woman I could never be ordained, to fighting against oppressive policies at my Chrisitan liberal arts college, to leaving an Anglican church because of their disdain for LGBT people, to being frustrated with progressive Christianity's lip service to abuse victims while in practice throwing them under the bus, it's now finally done. 

 

Even becoming a progressive or liberal Christian didn't quell the problems. 

 

Hello Marie and Welcome!!!

 

When I read your post, I could relate.  The searching and searching, wanting christianity to work.  I too moved around in it from fundamental all the way to progressive/liberal christians.  And the problems still remained.  

 

When you talked about progressive christianity giving lip service to abuse victim while throwing them under the bus, WOW, I could relate.  

 

Thanks for taking the courage to share your experience, you are not alone.  

 

Nic

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Welcome.

 

My advice would be to explore whatever tickles your fancy. If you find that a label is helpful, then use one. If not, no worries. Stick around though. There's lots of good conversation to be had in this corner of the internet.

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Feel welcome to pull up a spot and make this place s good part of your day. Quite a few folks here are on their own track of discovery. You will find that 'here' is much like a can of mixed nuts ???? never quite sure what's next!

 

Enjoy,

 

kevinL

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It's been a long fight against cognitive dissonance. From bawling my eyes out at age 12 when my fundamentalist Baptist pastor told me that as a woman I could never be ordained, to fighting against oppressive policies at my Chrisitan liberal arts college, to leaving an Anglican church because of their disdain for LGBT people, to being frustrated with progressive Christianity's lip service to abuse victims while in practice throwing them under the bus, it's now finally done. 

 

Even becoming a progressive or liberal Christian didn't quell the problems. 

 

Hello Marie and Welcome!!!

 

When I read your post, I could relate.  The searching and searching, wanting christianity to work.  I too moved around in it from fundamental all the way to progressive/liberal christians.  And the problems still remained.  

 

When you talked about progressive christianity giving lip service to abuse victim while throwing them under the bus, WOW, I could relate.  

 

Thanks for taking the courage to share your experience, you are not alone.  

 

Nic

 

While it always stinks to hear that people have had similar religious experiences, it's at least comforting to know I'm not alone, thank you. 

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"Ideological gymnastics." I love it! Well-worded.

 

Welcome, and I hope you find consolation here.

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