Fear Of Self-Expression — Remnant Of An Authoritarian Past?

[Prometheus]

I've always been afraid of expressing myself, my opinions, and pursuing my dreams for fear of being shot down.

 

Could an authoritarian upbringing where I was silenced from self-expression and creativity was usually denounced, cause this problem in adulthood?

 

If so, how do we get over childhoods like this and learn to be open and free without fear of scorn/rejection/punishment?

[mymistake]

Those who suffer from childhood upbringing can change by confronting their fear slowly and altering their behavior.  Start expressing yourself a little bit more each day.  To avoid scorn, rejection or punishment simply keep your expression within social norms.  That is to say don't be too rude.

[Llwellyn]

I do think that imagination is something that Christianity is hostile to.  Imagination is what would naturally extend human thought away from belief in the Holy Trinity, or the Christian theory of atonement.  But Christianity wants your brain to be formatted in a particular way, and your behavior to conform to a pre-defined "good," which means that radical self-expression and radical flights or imagination are not encouraged (to say the least).  Obviously, Christianity isn't the only form of practice that is authoritarian.  And obviously not every Christian community says "No" to imagining a different God than the Holy Trinity.  But Christianity and authoritarianism are very commonly seen together, and are friends.  Humans respect "tradition" and do not like things that violate the "law."  It is a human paradox that the desire for seemliness, the instinct for restraints and fair disciplines, and the impulse to cherish sweet familiar things should so readily liberate cruelty and tyranny. 

 

As an adolescent, I worked out some of my most constricting anxieties by "acting out" -- going to night clubs, acting the fool, participating in theater, inviting social judgment, etc -- just being a teenager.  Maybe there is some room in your life for a little harmless abnormality?  Here are some Bible verses concerning allowing your imagination to bubble up naturally from your heart and fly free:  "If anyone should think to himself, I will do well enough if I follow the dictates of my heart, Yahweh will not pardon him. His wrath shall burn against him. And all the curses written in the book will come upon him."  Deuteronomy 29:18-20.  "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God.  We cast down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."  2 Corinthians 10:4-5.

[bruisermel]

Yes, I think an upbringing in which you had to be a certain way and weren't allowed to develop or show a sense of self (due to religion or otherwise) can cause this.

 

There are many things about myself that I think developed because of the environment I was raised in that I'd like to work on/improve.

 

Not to oversimplify because I know it's not easy...but I think this is no different from changing any other habit or ingrained behavior that you don't like. You have to recognize it (which you have), and then create ways to set yourself up for success in changing it.

 

For me I have reminders on my evernote that I reference as needed.

 

I have a list of "who I want to be" or a life mission statement of sorts.

 

I remind myself to make decisions/behave in a way that is in line with that list.

 

I have reminders of what my upbringing was like to keep me grounded and remind myself hey, your maladaptive behavior may be something you want to change, but it was a NORMAL consequence/learned behavior of how you were raised and our brains are malleable and that ingrained behavior can be undone...old dogs can learn new tricks

 

I have lists of sayings and links to website that encourage/help me, even dumb things like sometimes it's okay to just say to myself "fuck it"--that reminds me to not overanalyze, not take myself or life too seriously and helps stop my rumination cycle.

 

I remind myself that I won't always feel comfortable and that's okay. I've learned to live with some discomfort (as you will as you try to develop and express yourself), namely by having distractions I turn to when I'm feeling uncomfortable (reading, coming to this forum, watching a movie, having a glass of wine with friends, working out more/harder, sleeping more, etc).

 

I don't know that there's an "end point" where poof, the unwanted thoughts/behavior/fears are gone...at least for me that hasn't happened. I still have times where I'm in a pretty rough funk, but as time goes by and I keep PRACTICING being who I want to be and living through the discomfort of that change the funks get less severe, shorter in duration, less frequent. 

[wyson]

You can't get rid of scorn and rejection no matter what you do.  Generally, it isn't scorn either.  Its people with different desires and values pursuing what they want, making judgements as such.   Apart from a bit of gossip, most people couldn't care less about you, unless what you think  / want affects them in some way.  Its a matter of having the self esteem to find value in what you want to do / think and to convince others and ignore others who disagree.   As long as what you want is legal and generally acceptable to some group in society, you should just come out with it!

 

Its one of those rules, no one can look out for you in the way you would most want, apart from you.  

 

I know this is harder to do than say.  I was in the same place as you.  Maybe look at some texts about improving your self esteem?

[florduh]

Fear of rejection is normal. Fear of punishment is not.

[Prometheus]

 

Here are some Bible verses concerning allowing your imagination to bubble up naturally from your heart and fly free:  "If anyone should think to himself, I will do well enough if I follow the dictates of my heart, Yahweh will not pardon him. His wrath shall burn against him. And all the curses written in the book will come upon him."  Deuteronomy 29:18-20.  "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God.  We cast down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ."  2 Corinthians 10:4-5.

 

 

Powerful verses indeed. I had forgotten entirely about those, despite reading the Bible through 3 times.

 

I have long wondered if indeed, all forms of imagination, being the fruit of a creative faculty, are somehow Luciferian in the classic sense, being that they are the result of Humanity's eating of the "apple" and being cast out of the garden of Nature, in which the rest of the animals still dwell.  The apple itself, I think of as the gift (or curse) of higher consciousness, which manifests itself as self-expression, which is somewhat like participating in Creation itself. "And Ye shall be as Gods," after all, is what Satan said, and many philosophers and theologians have suggested that our greatest similarity to God is our ability to create. Such an ability is, after all, what mostly differentiates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. Is it not?

 

I suppose this is somewhat of a Gnostic view, but it does make sense, doesn't it?  I'd like to know what other people think of this perspective.

[Sophrosyne]

Authoritarian parenting could have impacted your sense of self and over all autonomy in adulthood.
Because the authoritarian style is rigid and allows no room for a child to express their own feelings or thoughts. It's like you're raised to not be yourself, but be a copy of what they want.
You might have issues with your self worth, trust of others, and being assertive? Make a list of things you'd like to improve, and create small goals.
Know that you're not inferior to anyone, you're allowed an opinion as much as anyone else is. Also be aware that not everyone is going to agree or think the same way, and that's okay.
Try something this weekend that is different from how you usually behave -- speak your view on something basic, tell someone no when you feel like it, or request something you have been wanting. It doesn't have to be about anything major... just practice having your own voice. It might feel uncomfortable -- but change is never comfortable.

You might also be struggling with a negative view about yourself... if you are, it might be helpful to write down some of your thoughts on who you are and determine how you formed those and if your parents voice is what influenced the development them. Replace the negative and unreasonable views with something more neutral or positive.

Good luck! I'm sure there are plenty of books that focus on specific areas of self improvement, seek them out. =)