♦ ficino ♦ Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Years ago, my priest told me that perhaps my being gay was my way of carrying the cross. I was in despair that I would never be in a relationship with anyone. Time passed. One relationship lasted 24 years. Then I found he was cheating on me. He would not end the affair. Other stuff happened. Then a new lover! People told me I seemed transformed. Then he got cancer. Then a stroke. Now semi-paralyzed and slowly slipping into dementia. A friend, a former Greek Orthodox, jokingly said yesterday, "Ο σταυρός σου." It's your cross. Ha ha. We both laughed. And I cried a little inside, at what my Mervin has lost. And I've lost. It's been "our stroke." Would I exchange this cross I have now for the other one - the cross of celibacy and being told that God hates me, though He pretends to love me? No. But I have to say -- I find comfort in the thought that we're in a random universe, atoms moving through the void, everything held together by haywire. That's a kinder picture than the picture of Yahweh making us all try to figure out what he wants while telling us that we haven't sung Pass It On with enough gusto. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiyana Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 I'm sorry for what you and your partner are going through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOpened Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Sorry to hear about this ficino. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StJeffTheIncomprehensible Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 My thoughts are with you, friend. I also find comfort in a godless universe. And in sharing love with another human being, as painful as that can be. Stay strong, for Mervin and for yourself. But when you need to break down for a while, we're here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Birdwatcher Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Dear Ficino, Just sending hugs your way. As others have said, we are here for you as you walk through this difficult time with Mervin. Caring for and witnessing the decline of the one you love has to be one of the most grief-producing and stressful seasons in one's life. You and Mervin will be in my thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
disillusioned Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Sorry to hear that ficino. I'm sure that both you and Mervin deserve better. But sadly, most of the time we don't actually get what we deserve, we just get what we get. I agree that it's more comforting to think of this life as being basically random than it is to think of it as some sort of divine test, but this is a cold comfort at best. Here's hoping things improve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Overcame Faith Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 So sorry about these difficulties. I am sure your love for one another is what carries both of you through each day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yunea Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Very sorry to hear this Ficino. I can't imagine how it's like, but you're in my thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thackerie Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 Mervin is so lucky to have you. But, in a universe held together by haywire, as you say, I guess you're fortunate to have him, too. It seems to me that the best any of us can do is to have someone who gives some purpose to our lives and us to them even if it devolves into supporting each other through bad times. I'm not expressing this well at all, but I guess all I really mean to say is, I'm wishing you both the best and that even if the best is bad, at least you have your lives united with love for each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparklingphoenix Posted April 18, 2015 Share Posted April 18, 2015 What a difficult situation. You are such a good and kind partner, caring for Mervin. Take care of yourself too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted April 19, 2015 Author Share Posted April 19, 2015 Many thanks, everyone. I appreciate your concern and the chance to vent occasionally. Tonight I went to a party, and on the way I passed bunches of girls going somewhere else, all carrying big inflated penises. ?! There's gotta be something right with the world! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted April 19, 2015 Share Posted April 19, 2015 Sorry you have such a difficult situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I'm sorry to hear what you and Mervin are going through, and what you went thru in your first relationship. But living a life with love in it is so much richer than staying single and celibate because you're attracted to the "wrong" person. And life is random. I had a cousin, a xian, whose first husband was an abusive alcoholic. After three babies, she divorced him and eventually got her life together. Then she met a wonderful man who accepted her teenage children with love and they absolutely adored each other (it was so obvious!). Shortly after they married, he had an aneurysm and died instantly, at only about 30. Of course this was a tragic situation, as was her first marriage, but there was no god trying to give her some type of message or punish her. No, life is random. But it's a richer life with love in it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOpened Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Many thanks, everyone. I appreciate your concern and the chance to vent occasionally.Tonight I went to a party, and on the way I passed bunches of girls going somewhere else, all carrying big inflated penises. ?! There's gotta be something right with the world! I logged on today just to comment on this, LOL. That must have been some sight. Did you ever find out what event was happening? Hope you are having a good day today. Dan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted April 20, 2015 Author Share Posted April 20, 2015 Someone said there is a strip club nearby. I heard one of the girls talking about lap dancing. I don't know whether she planned to provide it or receive it or just watch or what. In the spirit of my OP, I guess I have to confess that it would be more fun if "big penis" were substituted for "cross" in the original verse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOpened Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Someone said there is a strip club nearby. I heard one of the girls talking about lap dancing. I don't know whether she planned to provide it or receive it or just watch or what. In the spirit of my OP, I guess I have to confess that it would be more fun if "big penis" were substituted for "cross" in the original verse. LOL, you are a riot ficino. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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