Wonderingbread Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Hey guys- Is it normal to have trouble adjusting into adulthood as a guy? It's been seven years, I'm 24 now and I still feel like I don't know who I am. For a long time i've been having trouble remembering past memories and knowing which version of me is going to wake up. I just don't feel like i'm controlling myself anymore. I've been wanting to see a specialist for a while now but I don't know where to begin or how much it's going to cost. I've been scared because I really don't want any employers or anyone to know of my issues. Any advice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yunea Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Hi, For one thing, figuring out who you really are and what you want from life should be a part of adolescence. Christian upbringing can make this much more difficult because we're supposed to want certain things and are taught that our "flesh" is "evil" and we mustn't listen to our own urges. I know I'm thirty and still am prone to fooling myself that I want from me what others want from me. It does sound like you'd benefit from professional help, the "not knowing which version of you wakes up" and not feeling in control and stable sounds like something that should be looked at and treated by a doctor or/and a good secular therapist. Others here may know better how to get help without there being a file about it that any employer could see. I hope you get the help you need and feel better as a result. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wyson Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 People wondered what version of me would turn upto work when I first deconverted. My mood and emotions were all over the place. I think getting professional help is a splendid idea. I know I wish I did. I only made progress once I turned to psychological ideas and techniques. They really do help. Maybe make contact through the website below and see how much they would cost. https://www.seculartherapy.org 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 I think normal is the wrong word. Perhaps "typical" is better? It's common but the sooner you can straiten everything out the better you will feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thackerie Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 People wondered what version of me would turn upto work when I first deconverted. My mood and emotions were all over the place. I think getting professional help is a splendid idea. I know I wish I did. I only made progress once I turned to psychological ideas and techniques. They really do help. Maybe make contact through the website below and see how much they would cost. https://www.seculartherapy.org Wow, Wyson! I didn't know this existed. You've probably helped a lot of people by posting the link. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ Fuego ♦ Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Even most adults I know have some issues here or there. Some have ADD, others have alcohol problems, some have childhood phobias that still rage strongly, some have genuine chemical imbalances that require medical help, others have been ruined by bad marriages, many struggle with the stress of having kids and a low income job, etc. Becoming an adult doesn't make everything become "normal". So it is very often the case that things don't get sorted out and one needs help with life. Religion compounds several issues by pounding into the psyche the idea that invisible beings are in constant warfare over one's "soul", and threats of hell and rejection are heaped upon otherwise normal young minds. None of that is real, but the emotional power of it can continue interfering for years to come after figuring out that it was all a fantasy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moanareina Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Haha...yeah...I turn 38 this year and still feel like 18 at times. Though it has become better during the past eight years of my deconversion. I think when you get out of this mindfuck you constantly get to know yourself better because now you can. You don't need to seek god for advice or guidance anymore and there is no holy masterplan for your life you somehow need to find. You are allowed to ask the simple question without feeling selfish: What do I want? And it can be something that is not benefitting anyone but you. And yes, seeing a professional who can give you the right questions to ask yourself and develop strategies etc. is a good thing. It took me eight years to finally take that step...because I just could not imagine how a psychologist could help me to get organized for example. And now I think: Why did I wait so long... Not sure about the US. But isn't there a doctor's secret? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 WonderingBread, you are absolutely not alone in feeling that way. I still feel that way often and I'm 40 now (I do blame church/Christianity for a lot of that). This comedy bit by Joe Rogan sums it up nicely. Take it to heart. It's true. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bhim Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 Not sure about the US. But isn't there a doctor's secret? Actually...I've been meaning to do some research into this. Insurance companies are informed about pre-existing conditions detected from medical exams, which makes me wonder if employers can have access to this information as well. Wonderingbread is worried about potential employers knowing about anything that may be exposed by an exam (in this case, a mental health screening I assume), and I'm not sure he's wrong to worry. I am not certain how far doctor-patient confidentiality extends. If any lawyers in the thread have an answer to this, I'd certainly like to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FarflungWanderer Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 How do you think I feel..? I'm not looking forward to paying off the loans I am creating... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOpened Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 Hey guys- Is it normal to have trouble adjusting into adulthood as a guy? It's been seven years, I'm 24 now and I still feel like I don't know who I am. For a long time i've been having trouble remembering past memories and knowing which version of me is going to wake up. I just don't feel like i'm controlling myself anymore. I've been wanting to see a specialist for a while now but I don't know where to begin or how much it's going to cost. I've been scared because I really don't want any employers or anyone to know of my issues. Any advice? Hello WB I am 42 and everyday do things that wouldn't be considered adult like. I still watch cartoons with my kids. What aspect in your life are you concerned about? Is it just responsibility in general (work, paying bills on time and consistently, your actions towards others)? That label "normal adult" doesn't really exist. It is placed there to make you feel more confident about what goals you are trying to achieve and makes you feel like you are part of the adult crowd when in actuality you already are. Try not to focus on being a normal adult and just be you and keep bettering yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparklingphoenix Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 I'm 23 and I don't feel like an adult at all. It doesn't help that I get mistaken for a teenager by most of the population either... From what I've heard, no one ever really knows what they are doing, and if they act like or say that they do know, it's probably a facade/lie. Has it been long since you deconverted? I'm wondering if after I deconverted it set off a chain reaction of me discovering my true self and going on this crazy roller coaster ride of becoming more me. I've had to cut off my family for a year, go to another country, break up with a partner, and change my life path completely since I deconverted. It's been a mess. I finally realized what I want to do with my life (after working towards the wrong thing all through college) and all I know to do is take each step to get there one by one. Through all the rapid change and growth I've undergone in just three years I think I've managed to shock my mom more than a few times. I went to therapy/counseling for 3 years to get over childhood shit and I still have trouble with past memories. All I can say is that I'm in the same boat. I guess all we can do is just try to make good decisions and live the kind of life that we think will bring us the most happiness. Other than that I have no clue... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue elephant Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 This is possibly a bit tangential to the topic ... but when I got to the age of 18, I left home and started the process of questioning and deconversion. I had been brought up with all that fundy nonsense that said that anyone who had one alcoholic drink would turn into a violent crazy monster and that almost any man would be on the lookout to raper you. etc etc etc. In other words, every idea I had about normal people in the world was a complete bunch of rubbish and I had to learn how the world really was. In the next few years, my take on the world was very uncertain. Does this sort of thign figure in the issues you are having now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moanareina Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 It doesn't help that I get mistaken for a teenager by most of the population either... Ah, I know how this feels, been there too. I remember once when I was sixteen someone coming up to me telling me I would look like thirteen. As my reaction was not that pleasant that guy was like: Well, that's a compliment. Yeah, maybe if you are fifty and someone tells you you look like forty... When I was twenty they told me they thought I was sixteen...not that much of a compliment either to someone who just tries to find into adult life... For some time even after deconverting it bothered me how people would always tell me how young I still was and the world still had all opportunities open for me. Then I used to say, well, I am not that young anymore and when they asked me about my age they looked at me in disbelieve. Just now I got to terms with my age and the way I look and feel. I decided to go after my emotional age...since I can due to my younger appearance. Only if someone truly wants to know I reveal my age. I feel very comfortable with twentysomethings and they don't seem to notice the difference in age. AND...I just think, why did I not start that game way earlier? I mean, who cares? My emotional development is behind schedule of regular people, so what? I sometimes think, I should have done teenage things in my twenties and just enjoyed to have that chance. That chance so many wish they had had...and regret not having taken more advantage of their youth. I always hated the saying that you are the age you feel. But I start to love it...because really, it is not just empty words. Once you embrace it. And I am even open to a boyfriend who might be ten or maybe even more years younger than me. Something I could never imagine. But hey, why not? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RogueScholar Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 I'm a middleish aged dude and I swear, every time I even entertain the thought of "having it all figured out" something comes along and fu&@$ that all up. Sometimes I used to think I was the only person who felt like I was walking around terrified of failing and only being a step away from disaster. Then, as I've gotten older, I've come to realise most everybody is a confused, self-loathing, existential crisis "machine" (to some extent) roaming around pretending to hold it all together in order to convince the other "machines" that's it's got things figured out. I think to some extent, we all have these feelings, we are all human and we are all just trying to get by, for the most part. Don't worry, you sound like you are among great company when it comes to they way you feel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wyson Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 The OP could be having more than growing pains. Sounds like some of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder/#.VT5RUSFViko I think he has the right idea in seeing a specialist and should get the all clear from one. Even if you aren't suffering from a DSM listed disorder, talking to trained professional will help alleviate confused, distressed states. Honestly, I think mental health should be treated like any other source of pain. You wouldn't put up with a nagging knee or an aching tooth without seeing a doctor / dentist or some professional who can help. If the confusion has been bothering the op for a while, he should get it checked out, before / incase it develops into something more serious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOpened Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I'm a middleish aged dude and I swear, every time I even entertain the thought of "having it all figured out" something comes along and fu&@$ that all up. Sometimes I used to think I was the only person who felt like I was walking around terrified of failing and only being a step away from disaster. Then, as I've gotten older, I've come to realise most everybody is a confused, self-loathing, existential crisis "machine" (to some extent) roaming around pretending to hold it all together in order to convince the other "machines" that's it's got things figured out. I think to some extent, we all have these feelings, we are all human and we are all just trying to get by, for the most part. Don't worry, you sound like you are among great company when it comes to they way you feel. Exactly that. To the OP, it sounds like you are at the stage of "What Now?" Of your deconversion process. I was stuck there for a long time. I think what happens is your mind thinks it needs to do something to compensate for the realization you have come to. You might be trying to find something to fill the hole. In reality all you need to do is be free! So you might be right about the deconversion set you off on your wild rollercoaster ride. I know it did for me. Like wyson said, if you start to feel like it is getting to much for you, if you can, seek help professionally. We are here for you but there is only so much we can do to help. Just call a DR. And ask the exact question you asked here about who has access to these records. Good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wonderingbread Posted May 1, 2015 Author Share Posted May 1, 2015 Hi, For one thing, figuring out who you really are and what you want from life should be a part of adolescence. Christian upbringing can make this much more difficult because we're supposed to want certain things and are taught that our "flesh" is "evil" and we mustn't listen to our own urges. I know I'm thirty and still am prone to fooling myself that I want from me what others want from me. It does sound like you'd benefit from professional help, the "not knowing which version of you wakes up" and not feeling in control and stable sounds like something that should be looked at and treated by a doctor or/and a good secular therapist. Others here may know better how to get help without there being a file about it that any employer could see. I hope you get the help you need and feel better as a result. Yeah, I think I just might be depressed. I've suspected this for a long time now. I feel pretty stable but that stableness is usually an predictable type of "feel good" when I'm around really positive people and mostly a "feel like utter shit, zero motivation" thing which is every evening when I'm alone. People wondered what version of me would turn upto work when I first deconverted. My mood and emotions were all over the place. I think getting professional help is a splendid idea. I know I wish I did. I only made progress once I turned to psychological ideas and techniques. They really do help. Maybe make contact through the website below and see how much they would cost. https://www.seculartherapy.org I need to stop fooling myself, enough time has gone by and the problem isn't going away. I always convince myself that I'm ok in those brief moments that I'm feeling okay. Even most adults I know have some issues here or there. Some have ADD, others have alcohol problems, some have childhood phobias that still rage strongly, some have genuine chemical imbalances that require medical help, others have been ruined by bad marriages, many struggle with the stress of having kids and a low income job, etc. Becoming an adult doesn't make everything become "normal". So it is very often the case that things don't get sorted out and one needs help with life. Religion compounds several issues by pounding into the psyche the idea that invisible beings are in constant warfare over one's "soul", and threats of hell and rejection are heaped upon otherwise normal young minds. None of that is real, but the emotional power of it can continue interfering for years to come after figuring out that it was all a fantasy. I'm thinking of seeing a local mental health therapist just to get out of this loop I've been. To your point, you can always be better in some way and for me it's a positive mindset and learning to forgive myself. I have all these goals and this vision of who I want to become, but it seems like I'm only able to pursue those things when I'm in the right mind frame which is hardly ever. I do this weird thing where I'll punish myself for the smallest mistake by constantly thinking negatively of myself. I don't know how much of that is tied to deconversion, but now I suspect a lot as I grew up under some seriously strict rules.I think if I just learn to forgive and lik myself I think I'll make some serious progress. Haha...yeah...I turn 38 this year and still feel like 18 at times. Though it has become better during the past eight years of my deconversion. I think when you get out of this mindfuck you constantly get to know yourself better because now you can. You don't need to seek god for advice or guidance anymore and there is no holy masterplan for your life you somehow need to find. You are allowed to ask the simple question without feeling selfish: What do I want? And it can be something that is not benefitting anyone but you. And yes, seeing a professional who can give you the right questions to ask yourself and develop strategies etc. is a good thing. It took me eight years to finally take that step...because I just could not imagine how a psychologist could help me to get organized for example. And now I think: Why did I wait so long... Not sure about the US. But isn't there a doctor's secret? Hitting the nail on the head you are.. man I feel stupid, I could have done this 4 years ago when I was still feeling this way. Oh well, how many 20-year-olds willingly submit themselves to therapy anyway? I don't think my ego could have taken the hit asking for help at the time anyway. I'm 23 and I don't feel like an adult at all. It doesn't help that I get mistaken for a teenager by most of the population either... From what I've heard, no one ever really knows what they are doing, and if they act like or say that they do know, it's probably a facade/lie. Has it been long since you deconverted? I'm wondering if after I deconverted it set off a chain reaction of me discovering my true self and going on this crazy roller coaster ride of becoming more me. I've had to cut off my family for a year, go to another country, break up with a partner, and change my life path completely since I deconverted. It's been a mess. I finally realized what I want to do with my life (after working towards the wrong thing all through college) and all I know to do is take each step to get there one by one. Through all the rapid change and growth I've undergone in just three years I think I've managed to shock my mom more than a few times. I went to therapy/counseling for 3 years to get over childhood shit and I still have trouble with past memories. All I can say is that I'm in the same boat. I guess all we can do is just try to make good decisions and live the kind of life that we think will bring us the most happiness. Other than that I have no clue... Man, I wish I had one good friend who understood me like in the manner I need to be understood. I've had this all bottled up to myself since I was 17. It also doesn't help that i'm an ISTP as I literally have no clue on how to deal with emotions.. At least the therapist will ask me the standard questions.... lol. The OP could be having more than growing pains. Sounds like some of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder/#.VT5RUSFViko I think he has the right idea in seeing a specialist and should get the all clear from one. Even if you aren't suffering from a DSM listed disorder, talking to trained professional will help alleviate confused, distressed states. Honestly, I think mental health should be treated like any other source of pain. You wouldn't put up with a nagging knee or an aching tooth without seeing a doctor / dentist or some professional who can help. If the confusion has been bothering the op for a while, he should get it checked out, before / incase it develops into something more serious. Honestly don't know what's up but I know it's something and it's not getting itself sorted out which at this point in my life is starting to scae me a bit. I'm an adult with rent, bills, all the rest and I'm really struggling to play that role when I know I should be doing better. I have all the raw materials, goals, support network and people rooting for me. I can't seem to take an advantage of my opportunities and it's becoming painfully obvious why to me. I'm a middleish aged dude and I swear, every time I even entertain the thought of "having it all figured out" something comes along and fu&@$ that all up. Sometimes I used to think I was the only person who felt like I was walking around terrified of failing and only being a step away from disaster. Then, as I've gotten older, I've come to realise most everybody is a confused, self-loathing, existential crisis "machine" (to some extent) roaming around pretending to hold it all together in order to convince the other "machines" that's it's got things figured out. I think to some extent, we all have these feelings, we are all human and we are all just trying to get by, for the most part. Don't worry, you sound like you are among great company when it comes to they way you feel. Exactly that. To the OP, it sounds like you are at the stage of "What Now?" Of your deconversion process. I was stuck there for a long time. I think what happens is your mind thinks it needs to do something to compensate for the realization you have come to. You might be trying to find something to fill the hole. In reality all you need to do is be free! So you might be right about the deconversion set you off on your wild rollercoaster ride. I know it did for me. Like wyson said, if you start to feel like it is getting to much for you, if you can, seek help professionally. We are here for you but there is only so much we can do to help. Just call a DR. And ask the exact question you asked here about who has access to these records. Good luck Yeah, I tried the "let things come naturally route" and while I improved initially I actually feel a lot worse than when I first deconverted. At first I felt reborn, full of energy, creativity, and optimism. I kept thinking I would ride those feelings out to a better place but I'm totally flipped now. Thank you everyone who replied, it means a lot to me to hear your sincere advice. Although I don't post here much I know I can always ask the patient people here for advice or just a shoulder to hear out my frustrations. Right now, I'm looking at places near me who work with my insurance. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep everyone updated on my progress. I'm optimistic going forward because I've never taken such a vulnerable step, I guess I have nothing to lose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparklingphoenix Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 Hope everything works out okay for you! I know the feeling of not being understood and not having a support system. That's why I come on here sometimes and ask for advice too. There's usually some one who will respond and give an outside perspective. take care 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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