NoOne Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 Hey guys. Happy Friday hang in there, I'm going to write my usual essay... So I'm a pretty anxious and paranoid person in general but lately it's been getting out of hand. It's not like my fears or worries are taking over my life to the point where I can't do anything but they're on my mind a lot and making up stay up late because I'm scared I'll have nightmares. I don't know who else to turn to, because my family will make fun of me, the people at school will think I'm crazy, and I'm too embarrassed to tell my therapist. I trust a lot of people here, also because some of the angst is related to me being an atheist who doesn't pray now. Okay, so here are the things that are bothering me. Most of these are pretty unlikely but that doesn't give me any comfort at all. 1) I'm scared of getting cancer. My very amazing aunt lost her life to breast cancer that spread to her brain and she visited us (she lived in the UK) about 5 months before she died. She was so sick and weak. And I think that she was almost okay with the fact that she was going to die. I don't like the idea of death because of the uncertainty and how it's just the end of everything you are. A lot of heart problems and diabetes run in my family as well, I actually have a harmless heart murmur. I don't want to get sick and lose my life to some incurable, terminal disease that I have no control over. That idea of being powerless over your own body is so scary. 2) I'm really scared of losing my vision or my hearing. I have a massive, massive amount of respect for both blind and deaf people. I can't imagine living in darkness or silence. I remember back in 7th grade I went to Perkins in MA for a field trip and they blindfolded us to try and see if we could do all these things without our sight and I couldn't do anything. I needed help with everything we did. I listen to music every single day, I love to sing. I can't imagine what life would be like without it. I'm sure blind and deaf people don't care and don't even think about having a disability especially if they were born blind or deaf, but I always hear about people who lost their vision or hearing in accidents or to illnesses and their whole lives change. I really couldn't handle that. 3) I'm scared that I'll be the victim of a shooting. This one I kind of put on myself because I was trying to be a badass criminologist and I looked up all these school and mass shootings like Columbine, VT, the Aurora movie theater event, etc. The odds of being shot have actually increased in the past few years, so that doesn't help. I don't like talking/thinking about guns because everyone gets defensive and I honestly don't know that much on the issues or rights of Americans in terms of guns (though admittedly I think we do need some restrictions) so I feel like it makes sense that it really bothers me when I inadvertently imagine all these maniacs bringing some huge weapon into school or the mall and blowing everyone's heads off. There's also a project by someone named Kathy Schorr where she takes pictures of gun violence survivors at the location they got shot and shows you the scars. Some people are in wheelchairs, some are disfigured, others are now blind (2-in-1 right there). It's kind of scary. I actually stopped checking these kinds of things out because it's obvious that I can't handle them but they've been stuck on my mind. 4) I'm still scared that I'm going to Hell. Not much to be said about this one, I'll assume. Okay I'll stop there. But you can see how stupid these fears are? There's no reason for me to incessantly worry about them but I just do...I was going to pray because when I would get bad anxiety or a lot of fears that would help but obviously since I don't believe in prayer or its efficiency anymore I can't. And I'm kind of kicking myself for not being able to do so, because even when I actually was a "struggling Christian", prayer gave me a sense of comfort. False comfort, but it was still reassuring. I don't know I'm crazy, I know. I don't know what to do. Can someone just please talk to me about this or something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted April 24, 2015 Super Moderator Share Posted April 24, 2015 You have elevated anxiety and paranoia for some reason. You should probably have a professional help you discover and examine that reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted April 25, 2015 Super Moderator Share Posted April 25, 2015 I'm too embarrassed to tell my therapist I think most people have fleeting thoughts/worries like this at some time or another, but it sounds like the fears are ruining your quality of life -- your joy -- so discussing them with your therapist would probably be a good idea. It couldn't hurt, could it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoOne Posted April 25, 2015 Author Share Posted April 25, 2015 I'm just embarrassed because these are really far-fetched, dumb things to be afraid of. I don't want her seeing me differently or anything like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 Is your therapist so judgmental that he/she would laugh at you for these fears? If not, tell your therapist. If yes, find a new therapist. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StJeffTheIncomprehensible Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 DG, sorry you're going through this. These fears of yours seem perfect as a topic of discussion with your therapist; there's no reason to be reluctant to share this. (Assuming your therapist is worth a shit, that is.) It's not far-fetched or dumb. The world can be a frightening place, and you may need to learn some techniques to help you manage your way through. I have a daughter, somewhat older than you, who also struggles with fear and anxiety. She's not to to the point yet of feeling the need for therapy, but I think it would help her, and wish sometimes she would reach out. Stay strong, try to find the joy of living, and please, speak with your therapist. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sdelsolray Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 I'm just embarrassed because these are really far-fetched, dumb things to be afraid of. I don't want her seeing me differently or anything like that. It seems like you have a fifth fear - the fear of telling your therapist about your first four fears. I would suggest you address this fifth fear first. You can defeat that one by simply informing your therapist about the other four fears. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted April 26, 2015 Moderator Share Posted April 26, 2015 I don't know I'm crazy, I know. I don't know what to do. Can someone just please talk to me about this or something? Miss DefyingGravity, the first I want to tell you is that you are not crazy. I can only share my own experience with you and if you get something from it, I will be happy. I've been a 'fraidy cat' my whole life. Fear ruled me even when I truly believed in god. That's because I seen so many disasters with christians who served the lord with their heart and soul. I knew god let terrible things happen to people and it was always one of the reasons I used to be mad at him all the time. I saw much grief in my 60 years. Most of the things we are afraid of can become reality and that's a hard, cold fact. Reality is a fact. I believe that it's a game of survival. The strongest and luckiest get to the end. My sister wasn't lucky. She died young from a dysfunction in her body. Some, like my lucky 93 year old MIL have made it through life without a lot of scars, although she faced many things in her life and made it through. We are blood and flesh humans and we are very fragile. This is a fact I had to accept. This is where you must learn to protect yourself as best as you can and also understand that you are not in control of other people on the roads, people who go on shooting sprees or if you get a disease in your body, etc. You can only protect yourself to a certain degree and if you don't learn to trust the outside world, you will lock yourself away like I did for 4 years. Some of my worst fears came true for me, but I faced them the best way I knew how.... when they happened. I'm facing a scary thing right now in my life and am dealing with it. The thing is to be able to face them when (and if ) they happen. In the meantime you need to learn to find a way to dismiss the fears as they take over your body. The 'disasters' are not here right now. They are in your mind. This is where a therapist can help. I personally do everything in my power to stay in 'The Now' where disastrous things are not happening right at this minute. If I should lose my eyesight in the future, I will face it when (and if) it happens. Right in this minute, I am very grateful to be able to 'see' to write you tonight. Anyway, my little sweetie, I wanted you to think on the good things that are happening right now. Get a good therapist to help you face these fears. Try to find a secular councilor who won't end up telling you to 'just trust god' like many therapists told me throughout my life. Find one who is a realist. I have learned that being a realist helps me to accept that this is the way life is and the best thing I can do is eat as well as I can to stay healthy, stay out of alleyways and let my 'gut' tell me when something feels good or bad. In order to go with your gut, you must learn how to deal with the paranoia because then, your gut and mind will tell you horrible things that won't be true. A good therapist will be able to teach you how to handle the paranoia. I hope you find the right person hon. Stay in the moment right now and enjoy whatever good things are going on for you. Big (hug) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoOne Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 Thanks everyone. I'll tell my therapist this week. I told my family, they laughed at me...as was expected. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sdelsolray Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Thanks everyone. I'll tell my therapist this week. I told my family, they laughed at me...as was expected. That's good (about telling your therapist). That sucks (your family's reaction). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 Unfortunately changing your family is not such an easy option. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucy Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I don't think these fears are irrational. I've worried about each one at one time or another. But not to the point that it disrupted my daily life. This might not be of any help to you, but if you can try to overcome your fear of death, it helps a lot with the rest of the fears. We're all going to die someday so it doesn't do any good to live in fear wondering how we'll die. Once I accepted that I am mortal and I will die and I have no idea when or how I will die, I stopped worrying about a lot of these things. If prayer actually gives you a sense of comfort, then just pray to the universe. Just view it as a type of meditation. If prayer was actually helping you cope, then you might be the type of person that could benefit from meditation. Meditation doesn't have to be religious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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