Jump to content
Goodbye Jesus

Introduction - My Story/journey From Christian To Atheist (Long Read For A Rainy Day)


Xiana

Recommended Posts

Hi! I'm Christiana (Xiana).. I'm so glad that I found this community (albeit later, rather than sooner)! smile.png

I'll write my (long) story so that if anyone wants to know where I'm coming from when reading my posts, etc., they can get an idea of how I found my way to atheism.  Also, this will be great to point family and friends to if they are curious about how I got to where I am.  I have a suspicion that there are many people who can relate to this... it's probably a cliché stock story of Christian to Atheist, lol.

 

Background:

I grew up in the Midwest, attending an evangelical, non-denominational, Christian church and then attended a very biblical-based University (the kind where drinking, smoking, having sex, watching porn, or just about any other kind of sin would get you expelled and shamed by your peers).  Two of the major aspects of my Christian experience that shaped me in my adolescence and early twenties were the understanding that I am weak and need someone (god) to take care of me, and that I should carefully guard my purity.  Basically, I believed that I was a fragile person whose worth depended on how well I could follow god and stay away from sex.  Needless to say, when I made the big mistake of giving away my virginity as a teen instead of keeping it for my husband, I seemed to have lost all ability to see my self-worth, even though I was a kind and smart girl who did well in classes and was a good friend.  Then again, early on in college, I slept with a boyfriend and then carried even more shame, guilt and fear throughout the rest of my time there, trying to fly under the radar so that I wouldn't get kicked out.  I like to joke that I graduated with both a degree and an anxiety disorder.  These feelings had a profound and traumatic effect on my self-worth, and made me feel like I could never be happy or have a good romantic relationship with a man, which is one of the things I longed for the most.  I felt quite a bit that I would now be last-pick for good Christian men when looking for a wife.

 

When I "deconverted," realizing how much b.s. all of that was, there was a drastic change.  I realized for the first time how much control I had over my own life, and that gave me so much happiness and confidence in myself.  It also helped me to realize that the only damage I had done to myself was buying into a ridiculous understanding of sex and letting that hang over me, and also realized that it wasn't totally my fault for believing so... I was victim to childhood indoctrination, and wasn't really taught to think for myself what to believe.  Unfortunately, despite so many healing experiences, I still struggle from time to time with irrational toxic thoughts.. but at least now I know that they're irrational! It's a part of the post-traumatic-god-disorder stuff I'm still working through.

 

Deconversion:

 

My deconversion journey started in the middle of my junior year at bible college in 2009.  I went on a study abroad and my eyes were opened to the different realities of different people.  I'd always been curious about different cultures and beliefs, but for the first time, I started seeing that there were people living very different lives/beliefs who were actually good and genuinely happy people.  I had always thought that the only way to be happy and live a moral life was to have a relationship with the Christian god.

This didn't lead to an instant change, as I didn't consciously realize what I was experiencing at the time, but created an insatiable curiosity about the secular world and a discontent (cognitive dissonance) with my current life that wouldn't let me rest.  I spend the next few years searching (sometimes painfully) and making sense of it before getting to the point of becoming atheist.  When I got home from my study abroad, I started venturing into areas of American life that I wouldn't touch before... counter-Christian culture things like LGBT rights, etc. and spent a lot of time exploring mind-altering substances like alcohol and pot... smoking weed for the first time was a huge effort for me.. my curiosity ended up taking over my prejudiced fear of opening my mind to dangerous things, and I was blown away. I had trouble accepting that the beautiful experiences I had with weed were wrong or dangerous, and felt angry that I was led to believe such things.  This opened me up to questioning all of the other things that I had taught were "good for me" or otherwise, which ultimately, let me to the conclusion that so much of what I believed was total crap.

 

The night that it all came together for me was almost 2.5 years ago, in January 2013.  I had started realizing that I was losing my religion altogether, and I was afraid, feeling like I was dooming myself. I wanted to live freely, but couldn't let go of the fear of blasphemy and hell or any possible rejection from my Christian friends. Part of me was afraid that maybe I was wrong and I didn't want to make a mistake that would damn me to hell.  I also was afraid of what life would be like on "the other side."... could I actually life a happy, moral life as atheist? The way atheism was so demonized in my upbringing, I was scared that if I let go of god, I'd be miserable.  I was able to identify these fears and started thinking and researching a lot.  I remembering being influenced by a book called "The Atheist Bible" and also Thomas Paine's "The Age of Reason"

 

I distinctly remember my ah-ha moment... one of the greatest and most joyous moments of my life.  I made the humanist connection.. learning that good and our drive for good and happiness come from our humanity (we need good to survive as a species. Good things - food, companionship, care, honesty - promote life, bad things - violence, malice, isolation - threaten life). God doesn't give us goodness, it's within us biologically because we need it to survive.  In realizing/learning this, my image of what it means to be atheist shattered. I felt hopeful for the first time, and gained a vigor and excitement for life that I hadn't experienced before.  Also lending to that excitement and vigor was when I broke through my fear of hell, by realizing that if there is a god and he's just, I won't be there (Marcus Aurelius' "Live a Good Life" quote), and that if there is no hell (much more likely), I have nothing to fear (death = no consciousness, like how you felt before you were born).  With the understanding that I had only one life to live, it became more precious to me.

 

It was the most beautiful moment when I could say without fear, "I am atheist! I don't need god!" Life was and has been totally different in a wonderful way.

 

Coming out:

 

With my new-found truth, I had to face my fear of possible rejection by my family and friends. After my ah-ha moment, I immediately felt like I needed to break the news to them because I refused to be dishonest with them. Most of my friends had been made in bible college, so so much of the foundation of my friendships was centered around faith.  I felt like it would be dishonest of me in our friendship if they continued to believe I felt the same way as they did when we interacted.  After a couple months of figuring out how to do this, my friendship with the one outspoken atheist that I knew turned into more, largely in part to how supportive he was during all of it (we were friends before my deconversion, but I never would have considered him romantically before my ah-ha moment - makes me feel sick that religion could have held me back from such a wonderful companionship), and his respect for the courage and honesty it took me to get to where I was.

 

His support, as well as the book "Mom, Dad, I'm an Atheist" by David McAfee, gave me strength to go ahead and write a letter that I would send to my closest friends and more fundamentalist and/or outspoken friends who I knew the news would really bother.  Of those two fundamentalist friends, one decided to sever communication immediately, never responding to me after reading the letter and deleting me from Facebook.  The second seemed to take me on as an evangelism case to try to bring me back.  I couldn't get the point through that there was no turning back for me.  I tried to use the analogy of a child growing up... adults can never totally return to the mindset they had as a child unless they are seriously mentally ill, and children don't know that they don't know what adults do, until they do.  It was that kind of a change... Anyway, I finally refused to engage in any more discussion about it and we don't really communicate much anymore. While the loss of these two "friends" distressed me at first, I've come to conclude that it was for the better.. why would I want to keep friends with people who I can't be myself with?

 

I did also share the letter with my mom and sister and a few other friends.  Their love for me beyond my faith kept our relationship together and we don't treat each much differently if at all. I know they still probably worry about it though or think that I'm just lost. I try to ease their minds whenever it comes up as best I can.

 

To come out the "the world," I decided to take a different, quieter approach. My platform to the rest of the world and my casual friends or acquaintances was Facebook, so I changed my religious views to "secular humanist" at first, then many months later, "atheist."  I also "liked" a few pages like Patheos Atheist.  This let people find out for themselves, and deal with it for themselves. They can choose to ask me about it, delete me as a friend, etc. as they please.  I have a much thicker skin now.

 

Today:

 

Today I'm totally out, learning and healing every day, content, and genuinely enjoying life like never before. Change always brings challenges, so life is never picture-perfect, but I'm really glad that it happened sooner than later; I have more of my life to enjoy, and someone to enjoy it with that I never would have considered before becoming atheist myself!  I'm glad that things happened when they did and that religion didn't continue to stand in the way of enjoying the opportunities I have now. I love life and I love myself! I can't ask for more! smile.png

  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Whoopsie.. I made a typo in my part about hell.. not sure how to edit the post.  Should be 'death = no consciousness.' :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Appreciate reading this, Xiana! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks finicio! It's very nice to meet you!  The woman's story from the link you posted on my grief thread is just outrageous!  Thinking back to my church experiences, I can see all kinds of messed up and twisted priorities like that.  Lots of not practicing what they're preaching.  I totally relate with what she said about questioning one aspect of Christianity then another and another until it all just falls apart.  As you read, that's pretty much what happened with me in the three years after I had my initial exposure to questioning during my study abroad.  Those were rough years, and luckily I found relief and truth when I finally found the answer to the big question that was holding me back... am I going to be miserable and end up in hell if I jump this ship? No! :)

 

She used the right word when describing the process of shifting from such a radical and deep mindset to the opposite/contradicting mindset: disorienting.  SO disorienting. A long, strange trip, but totally worth the persistence.

 

I really wish I had found these forums early on, when I was going through that shift and immediately after I made it through... I honestly didn't think to look, and was able to find adequate support within my own community.  I've only been here for a few days, but I'm so encouraged by all of you!!  I wish every Christian who is beginning to doubt, or even those who haven't yet and hold a demonized view of atheism and atheists would come and read these posts and see that atheists are genuinely kind and compassionate people, just like any other.  It took me a while to realize this as I never had much exposure to atheists until shortly before my deconversion.

 

Thanks again for reading!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh I just noticed that it was the Recovering from Religion lady that they interviewed!  Very neat to know more about her story...

 

I almost went to a few of their meetings here in Omaha, but chickened out for some reason. I respect very much what they do!  Maybe it's time I give it another go.. I have more hindsight on things and maybe more advice and understanding to offer others.

 

She also spoke at "Apostacon," a really cool atheist convention that also takes place in Omaha in the fall. Wish I had made it!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Glad to see a story with a happy ending! I have noticed a few posts from you on the boards lately. The Ex-Christian forums have been wonderfully supportive to many people over the years, and I'm sure you will find the same.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Blue Elephant! I found the board when I was in a moment of emotional distress that only an ex-christian might really understand, and was blown away by how thoughtful and supportive rhe people here were. Now I'm having so much fun exploring and thinking/learning! :) Nice meeting you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your post reminded me of the High School Prom poster recently being discussed in Social Media.  There certainly is a cultural message that exits out there that a woman's personality lies in the hands of other people and not herself.  It stands at risk and she depends on other people for the things that are most critical for her...  and it all has something to do with a vulva and a penis.  ???

 

 

wisconsin_prom_poster.jpg

 

I think it is really interesting what you said about your cureiousity about the secular world.  I think it is a very human thing to want to understand and make sense of things that are most surprising to you.  It is like being an amateur scientist who wants to collect evidence on a phenomenon that seems unexplainable.  Your mind will puzzle on it as you wake, and as you sleep, until you develop a new conjecture about all those other (billions) of people.  The information you collect will make "justification by faith" less relevant in comparison with "humanistic flourishing."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the story.  You seem to have found your way through the proverbial minefield quite efficiently - you may prove a useful support for others who come here who have not coped so well with the trauma.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Xania,

 

This was wonderful to read--I really identified with the first paragraph of the "Deconversion" section, where your initial journey out of faith began with meeting decent, normal, happy people outside of your belief system. I think this was probably my initial step away from faith as well, though I fought it much longer than you did. Welcome to ex-C, and may you enjoy many more happy days!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

 

Today I'm totally out, learning and healing every day, content, and genuinely enjoying life like never before. .... I have more of my life to enjoy....I'm glad that things happened with they did and that religion didn't continue to stand in the way of enjoying the opportunities I have now. I love life and I love myself! I can't ask for more!

Xiana, I love this quote!!! I feel the same way!!!! Life is SO much better now for me too!

So happy for you. I hope to hear more from you! beer.gif

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

I love this! A lot of what you said rings true with me. I too became very curious about everything and when I got out, it was a wondrous experience! I also feel that life is so much more precious now, and it is a joy knowing that I can choose my own path and don't always have to ask permission from god first!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I also realized that good things are inherent in our biology as well, and bad things are just going to screw us over. This was also a very freeing realization for me. Rather than believing humans are inherently bad and need someone to help us out all the time, it is a beautiful discovery that you, as a human being, are wonderful and inherently good. I'm glad you came to this realization too. It sure freed me from so much guilt and self-deprication.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.