The "short" Version

[Leahbekah]

Hello Everyone

I have been lurking for a little while as a non-member, off and on. I finally decided to become a member, because I couldn't read the posts past a certain point! I'm really glad to be here, it's been very encouraging to know that I'm not the only one thinking these things, and coming to these realizations. 

I can't say where I'm at 'spiritually' ---- although I can say that no Christian would accept me as a Christian anymore, and I just told my husband yesterday that I felt I was done trying to be a Christian. I have a whole lot of hope, but no faith.... a lot of ability to ignore things, but no ability to force my thoughts to go away. I suppose the push towards the edge was when I started realizing that maybe I was believing something false, the way I believed Mormons or Muslims do. I could easily look into the histories, science, and archaeology behind those religions and see that it was false. Could I do the same with Christianity? ....... to be honest, I haven't tried that hard to disprove Christianity to myself. It's done a pretty good job on it's own. Maybe if I get to a relapse, or a point in time that I feel anxious, I'll seek out the information that the rest of the world knows that makes them steer clear of Christianity.

I know a lot of people put some of their back story in here, so I'll add a little bit about that, too.

I was raised Pentecostal/Apostolic in a United Pentecostal Church, or UPC for short. The late Dr. Walter Martin categorized it as a cult, but I don't think most Christians notice a difference between the UPC and the AoG church (although there are huge differences). I'd say it's a cult! Anyway, I was born into that, "spoke in tongues" at 4 (yes, I remember it...), got baptized a couple years later, and spent my life scared too death of the end times and/or the rapture. When I was 10 my mom left home without telling anyone, leaving behind a note just stating that she had to go away. That was definitely the beginning of the end. By the time I was 11 a lot of stuff had changed, but my dad was still dedicated to the UPC. My mom was "backslid", but when I finally got to visit her I never left. She didn't make me go to church or school (although we did attempt to homeschool during that time, but I was a brat about it), and I had a lot of freedom. We both still believed the UPC was right and eventually began searching for a new UPC church in her neck of the woods..... so on and so forth.... I moved back with my dad when I was 15, and he was remarried to a woman with 7 other children. I had to go back because I couldn't get into school where my mom was living due to her not actually having custody of me! I had never been in a public school, and I had no clue what I was doing.... yadda yadda yadda, craziness here and there..... THEN my dad picked me up really early from school, and told me to empty my locker, take what I wanted to keep, and let's get the heck outta Dodge. We then abandoned THAT family, and moved to a different state. (They had a horrible marriage, and to my dad's credit, the woman constantly told him to leave, don't leave, leave, and so on). We immediately found another UPC church there, and I wasn't reenrolled in school until the next school year. So, I spent about two years in high school before dropping out, and eventually testing for my high school equivalency diploma. When I was 17 I moved with my boyfriend out of state for a few months, went with his family overseas for a couple of weeks (had a BLAST there), but that ended our relationship (the blast I had...), and I moved back to my dad's state, but not in with him. I stayed with friends until their work took them to Hawaii, and they allowed me to stay and "house sit" instead of hiring their normal guy. They introduced me to the usual house sitter, so that I'd have a contact should any trouble arise, and he just never went back home..... 3 months later we were married! (Yeah, sounds crazy). I had so many panic attacks during these times, that my husband eventually just said, let's get you back into this special church you think you need. He converted from a nonpracticing catholic, to the UPC church because my passion convinced him, and we began having children. I thought everything was fine until a time came that I realized I needed to start teaching my first son all about the bible, god, church, the "standards", and so on. I didn't know how to do this, and felt I should spend a lot of time studying it out, but when I did that it all began to unravel. I'll leave out the insane Aunt that got me into trouble with the UPC officials, who ended up at my house while I hid in my son's room, but needless to say... I quickly realized that I couldn't stay in this church, or any like it. I tried to home-church with friends, but I was so messed up from having this rug ripped from under me, and I was making mistakes left and right. Finally I braved going to a non-denominational church for a while, until I couldn't handle how liberal they were. We then looked into conservative churches, and landed at a Southern Baptist church. My amazingly patient husband went through all this, and more, with me, and is still by my side. So, all of this (plus so much more) took place from the time I was 10 until this past year (I'm 27), 9 years of marriage, and three little boys later...  

What made me start to question the whole of Christianity was not being able to understand how god commanded us to be so loving, unconditional, forgiving, compassionate, peaceful, and so on.... yet, he was going to punish (under the guise of justice) most of humanity for eternity because they sucked at being alive for an extremely limited amount of time. Not to mention all those who never heard of god, much less heard of the gospel or Jesus. I didn't understand how I could be tolerant and loving, and how NOTHING, I mean NOTHING, would cause me to treat my children the way god is going to treat his children after judgement, yet god refused to do the same. Am I somehow better than god? I started looking into Universalism (the belief that everyone is eventually reconciled to god, either in this life or the next), and that took care of my concerns, but it still raised more questions. I won't go into all of them since this is already so long. Suffice it to say, once such a huge doctrine began to unravel, it all began to unravel. It still worries me, I still feel panicky off and on about being wrong and deceived. The only person I've told is my husband. I don't attend church anymore.. haven't for a couple of months, and the pastor's wife thinks I'm just struggling with my cult past, and one friend at church knows I was/am questioning hell, but I haven't updated them, and I don't plan to as of right now. It's going to be hard enough worrying that my husband may get fed up with me and my crazy religious past/present, and want me to leave, or leave me. It'll be hard enough pretending I think it's ok for my kids to be indoctrinated. Right now I only keep my 2 year old home, but my husband has already said that he wants him to go once he's old enough for an actual Sunday school class (not to mention potty trained). 

 

I have been so scared about what's going on in the world, and all the "prophetic signs" that we actually made the desicion not to have anymore kids, even though we both really want to have one more, because I'm too afraid of what might happen to us. I'm happy to say that those fears have lessened, and my husband still wants to try again. But... the fears keep coming up, and I feel guilt for having kids when I know my husband wants them raised Christian. I don't think it's so horrible, generally, and I am a stay at home mom so I have a lot of time with them to show them by my life that Christianity isn't the only way. Still. I don't want my family ruined or torn apart because of this, so I hope my husband continues to have love, and support, and patience --- and, of course, I'm not planning to test those attributes anymore than I have to!

Okay, this is getting long, and I actually meant it to be short. My writing style isn't normally like this, but as I said, I was trying to keep it short (and that's hard for me)! I look forward to getting to know you all, and to getting involved in discussions. You all don't know how much a help, and difference you've already made for me! Thanks for being here... it means a lot.

Becky

P.S. Sorry if I miss any typos, or poorly presented aspects of the story. Feel free to ask questions if it's confusing! 

[StJeffTheIncomprehensible]

Hi Becky,

 

Good to meet you. You've been through a lot in 27 years--I feel for you, and hope you will continue to recover from the hell of your religious past. There are many people here with great experience and advice, so dig in and enjoy the community!

[♦ nivek ♦]

Becky,

 

Feel very welcome to find your spot here at ExC. Damn good place to use your on.ass on.line time while working with life.

Good possibility you'll find fellow travelers here, folks if not on your exact path, may be heading along the way.

 

Pull up a spot, join in, be welcome.

 

kevinL

[Positivist]

Hi Becky! Thanks for sharing your story and your journey out of an insane belief system. It takes a while for some of these deeply entrenched beliefs to fall away from our brains. I hope you find peace, healing and life in abundance--I sure did. I'd love to hear more from you! Take care!

[Ellinas]

Welcome.

 

You ask the (presumably) rhetorical question "Am I somehow better than god?".

 

Well, judging god from the christian presentation, unequivocally "Yes".  Your problems were imposed by the religion, you've proven your independence of mind, your concern for your family and you've emerged the other side.  The issues may not be finalized, but you are on your way.  That makes you infinitely better than a tyrant who supposedly demands utter obedience, subservience and even suffering in this life on pain of eternal torment.

 

Enjoy your time here.  I hope it helps you.

[Jeff]

Holy shit! Wow girl, welcome!

Glad you made it out.

Don't apologize for sharing your story. Sounds like it was a rough go.

[Leahbekah]

Thank you so much for your warm welcomes! I am so happy a place like this exists... it has been such an encouragement!

[Leahbekah]

If I have something I'd like to share about relapse/anxiety, where should I post? It seems maybe I'm not allowed to post anywhere else yet, but I'm not sure if it's just my phone browser. I'm not often able to get on the computer, but I'd like to post more, if I could figure out how, lol. Any help is appreciated

[Brother Jeff]

Hi Becky,

 

You've been through a lot in 27 years! 

 

Welcome to Ex-C! Glory!

[Overcame Faith]

Welcome to ExC, Becky.

 

You've had quite a journey. A number of people on ExC have or have had fears of end-times. You may want to look through this thread if it will be of any help to you.

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44234-top-ten-reasons-not-to-fear-biblical-end-times-scenarios/#.VVM4kRj3arU

 

If I have something I'd like to share about relapse/anxiety, where should I post? It seems maybe I'm not allowed to post anywhere else yet, but I'm not sure if it's just my phone browser. I'm not often able to get on the computer, but I'd like to post more, if I could figure out how, lol. Any help is appreciated

Try posting that topic in ExChristian Life. You should have access to that forum.

[Burny]

Welcome to your new life of freedom. We are here to help you transition to it. Thanks for sharing your story and I really hope you can conquer the old fears.

 

Remember - time is a healer. You won't feel better right away but it will happen slowly over the next year or two.

[Aiyana]

We have a lot in common. I can relate to your end-times fears, I suffered greatly from them before deconverting.

[Leahbekah]

Thank you so much, everyone. I appreciate the encouragement! It's tough growing up with these beliefs and fears, then being such an anxious adult figuring out that it's all phony! Not just once, but twice! lol But I know my situation isn't the worst by far, and for that I'm grateful. Truly.

 

Aiyana, we should chat more! Nothing helps more than to talk it into oblivion! lol

[BlackCat]

Hi Becky, and thank you for replying to my thread.   I really relate to much of what you say.   It sounds like you are a lot sharper than me. Don't worry about wasting time.  Your mind and heart are probably working at different 'speeds' and so eventually they will line up.  I too grasped hold of universal reconciliation these last few years, but it too crumbled as I realised that it was only backed up by wishful thinking.  I still hope there is a purpose to why we are here and that there is some higher power behind the universe.  Things like love and beauty are the lynch pins of that hope and so I am happy that I have that hope, but I no longer need to feed it with any kind of man made religion.  I acknowledge my spiritual needs but keep them separate from religion.  I wish you peace as you progress on your journey.