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Did You Spank When You Were A Christian?


Leahbekah

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I have struggled with spanking and voice raising since becoming a parent. It's how I was raised, and I didn't think much of it for a long time. It never occurred to me that it was wrong or that some might believe it to be abusive. More and more I'm seeing it as abuse.. even the slightest things. Before, it was really important to keep control and have kids that did the right thing as much as possible, because they'd need the self discipline later in life.... so they'd be ready for Christian life, and hopefully be saved.

 

Well, through my parenting journey, while still a Christian, I realized that I hated the idea of spanking, but less spanking turned into more voice raising and "go to your rooms"... which was just as bad feeling. For everyone. I'm realizing now, more and more, how short life is and how important happiness is.... how less important control is. But I'm still struggling. Of course, I have personal issues that I'm wrestling with internally right now, and that doesn't help.

 

I just wanted to reach out to the other parents... how did you deal with these frustrations? Did you ever spank? What are your thoughts on that? What helped you the most in becoming a better parent after leaving the church?

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My parents were not Christians at all, and they spanked me, sometimes with a belt. I turned out ok. I didn't see it as abusive, just annoying and made me think twice before disobeying them overtly.

 

I do not have kids. As an uncle, I've spanked a couple of times, and the parents supported that decision. Those kids turned out fine also.

 

Typically, the spanking wasn't done in anger, since that can lead to harm. It was done after telling the kid why.

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I tried the no spanking thing.  That worked for a while but then my son tried to smash his hand.  I had to do

 

some deep thinking at that point.  I came to realize that if the child gets himself maimed or killed then

 

corporal punishment would have been better.  Eventually I resorted to flicking on the limbs.  It gets attention

 

but does no serious harm.  And that is what I needed.  Hey don't do what you were doing because you were 

 

going to get yourself killed.

 

Now it is true that I do wind up yelling at my kids a lot but I have noticed they don't seem to care.  They are

 

not the least bit traumatized by it.  Mostly they don't pay attention to it.  The most effective discipline is I have

 

found is grounding but that didn't work before age 4.  Luckily my youngest is older than that so my life is a bit

 

more controlled now.  I can start with "Who needs to be grounded and for how long?" and that puts them both

 

in a better attitude.  But if I see them doing something dangerous they will get an instant flick.  They need to 

 

learn to not do stupid things.

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I was threatened with spanking as a child, but I don't ever remember them following through on it.  When my son was little (still in diapers) I would give him a swat on the butt to get his attention.  As he got older he went from a sweet toddler to a raging teenager overnight.  Slamming doors and yelling "I hate you" and everything.  I tried spanking him a few times, but it would only escalate his behavior.  As soon as I let go he would come at me swinging.  Which would make me want to scream or spank him some more, which would make him angrier..... Obviously that wasn't working so why continue. 

 

I found with my son, being separated from the rest of the family bothered him.  I now send him to his room, and when his is willing to calm down and apologize/change his attitude he can come back out.  He is very emotional so I will hear him slam the door and rant out loud about how unfair I am and how he hates my rules.  But within 5-10 minutes he calms down, comes out and apologizes and we can talk about whatever is going on.  Letting us both calm down has actually led to better communication and fewer behavior problems in the long run.  Of course he is only 7 at this point, so who knows what it will be like when he is a teenager. 

 

If you are going to spank, I agree with Fuego it should not be done in anger.  Warn them that spanking will be the consequence, and then follow through if needed.

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I suppose I just want to get as far away from how I was raised as possible. My mom never spanked us out of anger. It'd be, "you did this wrong after I told you specifically not to, and when we get home you're getting a spanking" type of stuff. I definitely agree that they need to learn not to do stupid things, lol, but I suppose it's more a personal change I want to make. I don't like how I feel when spankings happen, and I always think about the fact that you don't teach other adults or teenagers by hitting them (although you'd like to). I just get a bully sensation, and I really dislike it. I'm sure not everyone feels that way, and of course that's not the purpose of spanking. I just feel like my kids only respond to it because they're afraid they'll get spanked again in the future, and I hate feeling like they're just afraid of me personally. I see a lot angry-ish behavior in my kids, which could very well be their age and closeness in age, and I just don't want to be the cause of that cycle.

Thanks for the feedback --- it's actually really helpful to know that not everyone feels this is the most horrible thing that a parent can do! I have a group that'll pretty much accuse you of not loving your kids enough if you spank them. I'm some where in the middle. 

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Don't have kids but if I do someday...I won't spank. I was raised with too many spankings and there's never a need to strike anyone for doing something 'wrong.' Can you imagine your boss striking you because you showed up late to a meeting? lol It wouldn't happen, so why do parents feel it's okay to do that with their kids?

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I have three little ones five and under, so I understand your dilemma, Becky. I reserve light swats on the bottom or hand for only the most serious of infractions, and only after a warning. My preferred punishment method is to give my oldest (the youngest two are too young for anything more than a no) a choice between a time-out or loss of privileges. Good luck!

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Spanking just tells kids that when they're angry or someone isn't listening they should hit them or resort to physical violence to sort out the issue.

 

It's never appropriate to hit a child. I don't care what excuse is given.

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Nevermind...  I just read the title of this thread and I wrote a very long response...  But now I realize that the thread is about something completely different...  My mistake.

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Spanking just tells kids that when they're angry or someone isn't listening they should hit them or resort to physical violence to sort out the issue.

 

It's never appropriate to hit a child. I don't care what excuse is given.

 

 

Okay, how do you get kids to stop doing dangerous stuff when they will not listen?

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Spanking just tells kids that when they're angry or someone isn't listening they should hit them or resort to physical violence to sort out the issue.

 

It's never appropriate to hit a child. I don't care what excuse is given.

 

 

Okay, how do you get kids to stop doing dangerous stuff when they will not listen?

 

 

And I guarantee that they wont listen to the parent at some point. :) (Like when two siblings are locked in a physical fight...)

 

Saying that it's "Never appropriate to hit a child" is like saying it's "Never appropriate for a police officer to go hands on with a violent criminal." 

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Who here has raised children who made it to age 10 without being spanked or hit at least once?

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I have no children myself, but I have observed plenty of them over the last 60 years or so.

 

Most of the couples we've known would spank their kids on occasion; no harm was done and the kids grew up okay. Two of the couples we knew were far too "enlightened" to ever spank their little angels, and the result was sadly predictable; they had out of control screaming monsters they couldn't take out in public. Those kids are in therapy as adults now, one died from drug overdose and another is in prison. Maybe it's just coincidence.

 

Just my observations.

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My dad had a great solution and I used it too (except when I got really mad and just swatted them quickly on the butt or yelled, and sometimes my dad swatted or yelled, too {I happily remember being called a "knucklehead"!}):

 

When I was doing something irritating or bad or whatever it was I was doing as a typical child, I can remember my dad looking calmly at me and saying, "I'm going to smack your hand until you cry," then he would very gently tap my hand.

 

That made me laugh!  "Daddy, that doesn't hurt!  That doesn't feel like anything!" I giggled.  (Notice at this point he has distracted me from whatever behavior he wanted me to stop.)

 

So he would smile and smack my hand a tiny bit harder.  

 

"That still doesn't hurt!  You can't hurt me!"

 

So he'd smack it just a bit harder, keeping a very calm look on his face.

 

Eventually, it started stinging a bit, and each time he'd say, "I'm going to smack your hand until you cry."

 

I'd finally say, "Ow!  That kind of hurts!"

 

He'd look right at me and say, "I'm going to smack your hand until you cry!"

 

So . . . the first time he ever did this to me, I actually let him smack me until it hurt enough for me to cry for real!  All right, it took a few times for me to realize what he was doing and I got smacked pretty hard a few times!  Then I realized what he was doing, and I'd "fake cry" much, much sooner (even at the first tap), and he'd stop because he had made me cry.  When I was much older, I realized he had distracted me from what I was doing, and he gave me the ability to stop getting smacked and the fake cry could be as fake as possible, it still counted.  The point was, I quit what I was doing and calmed down.

 

It worked with my kids, too.

 

The other thing my dad did that worked really well, especially when we were teenagers with door-slamming, was to calmly say after we had angrily slammed a door, "Treat things gently.  Open and close that door ten times, correctly."  I'd open and close the door while he counted.  Usually, I got really pissed off in the middle of it, and would SLAM it.  He'd calmly say, "Treat things gently.  Open and close that door ten times, correctly."  Somehow (I'm not sure how or why we actually didn't just slam the door and scream and run off), after several false starts, we'd get thru the ten times, with teeth gritted, and he'd smile and say, "Thank you!"

 

That also worked well with my kids.  I also learned the word "gentle" from my dad, instead of telling my kids "stop it" or "no" all the time, I'd say, "Gentle, gentle!  Be gentle with (your toys) (each other) (the door)."  My dad drilled into my heads from birth on, "Treat the equipment gently."  As a car mechanic and a steelworker, he'd say you have to be gentle with the equipment so it'd last a long time and not break; cars and tools are too expensive to break because you're not being gentle.

 

But the WORST, WORST, WORST way to punish a child of any age, and my parents did it and my ex-husband said his mom did it (and she's certifiably the nicest person on earth and I still love her, despite being divorced), is to say to the child, "I'm really disappointed that you did that."  Yeah, it's guilt, but it works and my agnostic parents used it well, too.

 

Another trick I learned when my kids were young but older than toddlers (ages about 4 to 12), was instead of yelling at them to go to their rooms, I'd calmly walk away and lock MYSELF in the bathroom.  They hated that!  They'd be at the bathroom door, knocking and begging me to come out!  I'd tell them when they were calmed down or stopped doing whatever they were doing, I would come out.  It worked and was also just nice being in the bathroom by myself!  

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Who here has raised children who made it to age 10 without being spanked or hit at least once?

I have raised 2 of them, never spanked. One 12 and the other 10. I never play best friend with my kids but i teach them about respect. I think a lot of kids problems when they start causing problems either is due to bordom or loneliness. My wife and I have covered those areas pretty well and so far so good. I think listening to your kids and being involed in their life takes a lot frustration off of their sholders.

 

I just hope things keep going the way they are.

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Who here has raised children who made it to age 10 without being spanked or hit at least once?

Me.

 

I never yelled at them, either. Both boys turned out to be fine, responsible adults. Oldest recently got his master's degree and youngest is an accountant that will be getting married next year. Both under the age of 26 now.

 

Never yelled. Never hit them.

 

I was abused growing up. As a father, I could never understand how anyone could hit their own children.

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Spanking just tells kids that when they're angry or someone isn't listening they should hit them or resort to physical violence to sort out the issue.

 

It's never appropriate to hit a child. I don't care what excuse is given.

Okay, how do you get kids to stop doing dangerous stuff when they will not listen?

And I guarantee that they wont listen to the parent at some point. :) (Like when two siblings are locked in a physical fight...)

 

Saying that it's "Never appropriate to hit a child" is like saying it's "Never appropriate for a police officer to go hands on with a violent criminal."

Perhaps the reason some people feel it necessary to beat their children is because they don't stop to consider the possibility that their child's behaviour is possibly due to something they lack as parents?

 

Maybe the children "act up" because the parenting sucks? So the kids get beat for something the adult failed to do.

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Who here has raised children who made it to age 10 without being spanked or hit at least once?

I have raised 2 of them, never spanked. One 12 and the other 10. I never play best friend with my kids but i teach them about respect. I think a lot of kids problems when they start causing problems either is due to bordom or loneliness. My wife and I have covered those areas pretty well and so far so good. I think listening to your kids and being involed in their life takes a lot frustration off of their sholders.

 

I just hope things keep going the way they are.

This is pretty much exactly how I/we raised our boys. Treat them with respect as the little people that they are, and they learn to respect themselves and others nearly automatically.

 

I was a bit luckier though. I was able to get away with being their "friend", too. :)

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Spanking just tells kids that when they're angry or someone isn't listening they should hit them or resort to physical violence to sort out the issue.

 

It's never appropriate to hit a child. I don't care what excuse is given.

Okay, how do you get kids to stop doing dangerous stuff when they will not listen?
And I guarantee that they wont listen to the parent at some point. smile.png (Like when two siblings are locked in a physical fight...)

 

Saying that it's "Never appropriate to hit a child" is like saying it's "Never appropriate for a police officer to go hands on with a violent criminal."

Perhaps the reason some people feel it necessary to beat their children is because they don't stop to consider the possibility that their child's behaviour is possibly due to something they lack as parents?

 

Maybe the children "act up" because the parenting sucks? So the kids get beat for something the adult failed to do.

 

 

 

Perhaps you shouldn't generalize for the entire population.  It's great that your kids were able to listen.  

 

I tried that with mine and it didn't work.  My son almost lost his hand because he didn't listen.  And he

 

had some very close calls with running out into the street.  Some people simply can't learn from words.

 

Not all corporal punishment is "beating".  But even then a beating is better than having your hand maimed

 

for life or getting hit by a car and buying that plot of grass down at the cemetery.

 

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It seems to me (and I may be wrong) that the main purpose of this site is to offer support and encouragement to those leaving religion and trying to make a positive change in their life. Having said that, I think some of you are being rather condescending. Obviously the OP is trying to make an improvement, otherwise she wouldn't have put herself out there. If you think spanking is wrong, and that children act out only as a result of indifferent parenting, that's your opinion. All children are unique and respond to different methods of discipline. You do not know Becky's situation, so unless you have something more helpful to add than "maybe you're just a bad parent", then please, keep your derision to yourself.

 

In my personal experience, parenting is the toughest job I've ever had, and it only gets more difficult with multiple children.

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My dad had a great solution and I used it too (except when I got really mad and just swatted them quickly on the butt or yelled, and sometimes my dad swatted or yelled, too {I happily remember being called a "knucklehead"!}):

 

When I was doing something irritating or bad or whatever it was I was doing as a typical child, I can remember my dad looking calmly at me and saying, "I'm going to smack your hand until you cry," then he would very gently tap my hand.

 

That made me laugh!  "Daddy, that doesn't hurt!  That doesn't feel like anything!" I giggled.  (Notice at this point he has distracted me from whatever behavior he wanted me to stop.)

 

So he would smile and smack my hand a tiny bit harder.  

 

"That still doesn't hurt!  You can't hurt me!"

 

So he'd smack it just a bit harder, keeping a very calm look on his face.

 

Eventually, it started stinging a bit, and each time he'd say, "I'm going to smack your hand until you cry."

 

I'd finally say, "Ow!  That kind of hurts!"

 

He'd look right at me and say, "I'm going to smack your hand until you cry!"

 

So . . . the first time he ever did this to me, I actually let him smack me until it hurt enough for me to cry for real!  All right, it took a few times for me to realize what he was doing and I got smacked pretty hard a few times!  Then I realized what he was doing, and I'd "fake cry" much, much sooner (even at the first tap), and he'd stop because he had made me cry.  When I was much older, I realized he had distracted me from what I was doing, and he gave me the ability to stop getting smacked and the fake cry could be as fake as possible, it still counted.  The point was, I quit what I was doing and calmed down.

 

It worked with my kids, too.

 

The other thing my dad did that worked really well, especially when we were teenagers with door-slamming, was to calmly say after we had angrily slammed a door, "Treat things gently.  Open and close that door ten times, correctly."  I'd open and close the door while he counted.  Usually, I got really pissed off in the middle of it, and would SLAM it.  He'd calmly say, "Treat things gently.  Open and close that door ten times, correctly."  Somehow (I'm not sure how or why we actually didn't just slam the door and scream and run off), after several false starts, we'd get thru the ten times, with teeth gritted, and he'd smile and say, "Thank you!"

 

That also worked well with my kids.  I also learned the word "gentle" from my dad, instead of telling my kids "stop it" or "no" all the time, I'd say, "Gentle, gentle!  Be gentle with (your toys) (each other) (the door)."  My dad drilled into my heads from birth on, "Treat the equipment gently."  As a car mechanic and a steelworker, he'd say you have to be gentle with the equipment so it'd last a long time and not break; cars and tools are too expensive to break because you're not being gentle.

 

But the WORST, WORST, WORST way to punish a child of any age, and my parents did it and my ex-husband said his mom did it (and she's certifiably the nicest person on earth and I still love her, despite being divorced), is to say to the child, "I'm really disappointed that you did that."  Yeah, it's guilt, but it works and my agnostic parents used it well, too.

 

Another trick I learned when my kids were young but older than toddlers (ages about 4 to 12), was instead of yelling at them to go to their rooms, I'd calmly walk away and lock MYSELF in the bathroom.  They hated that!  They'd be at the bathroom door, knocking and begging me to come out!  I'd tell them when they were calmed down or stopped doing whatever they were doing, I would come out.  It worked and was also just nice being in the bathroom by myself!  

 

 

Hey, I'm not a parent, so I don't have to deal with children -- but I must say, your dad sounds pretty awesome! 

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I never spanked in anger. We wrote out a list of things that would result in a spanking and even though they couldn't read, the littles could recite that list. (They were things like "No biting people" and it was a very short list.)

 

When I did spank my kids, I told them "You know that this is on the list and I don't have a choice." and then I'd give them two swats. After that, I'd hold them and cry with them saying, "Please don't ever do that again. I hate this." 

 

I never had to discipline my kids after they were five. They knew I was serious, they knew I hated laying down the law, and they hated that I tried to be empathetic. 

 

I think that the worst part of spanking is the anger that is usually associated with it. My parents just blew up at us when they couldn't take any more. I've had brushes and spoons broken on my backside. Then came the era of "wait until your father gets home" which made me dread and despise my dad.

 

I think that kids should have boundaries, they should know what those boundaries are, and the boundaries should be enforced. Making threats that you don't follow through on is just wrong, IMO.

 

I think parents should respect that their kids are little human beings and treat them accordingly. 

 

As far as spanking vs. time out, it really depends on the kid. To some kids, time out is no big deal and isn't really a punishment at all. The important thing is to teach them the value of personal responsibility and that there are consequences for bad behavior.

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I have four kids, ranging from 22 months to 15 years. I did (and still do) spank, but it's very, very rare. I cannot tell you the last time I spanked my five-year-old. It has probably been over a year, maybe even a year and a half. But yes, I do believe it is a tool in a loving parent's toolbox, to be used occasionally and wisely.

 

My first spanking experience was 14-ish years ago, when my now teenager was a toddler. I caught her putting a AA battery in her mouth. I took it from her, gave her a swat, and said firmly, "No eat battery!!", and then explained (as thoroughly as I could to an 18-month old.) A couple of weeks later, she saw a battery. She looked at me very solemnly, shook her head, and said, "No eat battery."

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"No eat battery."

 

Tarzan teach Boy same. Boy no eat battery again.

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"No eat battery."

 

Tarzan teach Boy same. Boy no eat battery again.
Boy no eat battery, boy no get charged with battery.
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