Brother Jeff Posted May 19, 2015 Share Posted May 19, 2015 The Gospel message is very simple! The Talking Snake convinced Adam and Eve to eat the magic fruit from the magic tree! That somehow magically killed our inner spooks, and JESUS came to kick the Talking Snake’s ass and magically repair the damage done by the Magic Fruit Incident! If you ask Him to, He will slave your inner spook and magically make it new! If any man is in Kryasst, he is a New Creation! (2 Cor. 5:17) Stop doing shit that pisses Jesus off and turn to HIM! Glory! Pray this magical prayer like you really mean it, and you shall be SLAVED! Glory! O Magic Sky Farter, I know that I have broken your laws and the shit I have done that pisses you off has separated me from you. I am truly sorry, and now I want to turn away from that shit and stop doing shit that pisses you off. Please forgive me, and help me avoid pissing you off again. I believe that your son who is also somehow magically you, Jesus Kryasst, died for the shit I did that pissed you off, was magically undeadened, is alive and living in the sky, and hears me talking to myself. I invite Jesus to become the Lard of my life, to rule and reign in my farts from this day forward. Please send your Holy Spook to magically help me do shit that pleases You, and to do Your kind of shit for the rest of my life. In Jesus’ name I talk to myself, Amen. Glory! Now that you are SLAVED, you need to tell somebody! If you write me, I’ll rejoice with you, and share in your new-found Sky Joy! We can lift up the Lard Jesus together, though we’ll have to be careful not to bump His head on the solid dome firmament in which the stars are fixed! Your next important step is to find a good church that glorifies Kryasst as Lard and where the Book of Myths is the final authority. If you can find a good Charismatic church that believes that the Gifts of the Spook are for today, that’s even better! The sooner you get baptized in the Holy Spook and speak in tongues, the better! Every time you Pray in the Spook, you will charge up your inner spook and strengthen your magical thinking about the Lard! Glory! Feel free to share with me passages from the Book of Myths that speak to you, and let me know what the Lard is magically doing in your life! Glory! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geezer Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Whenever I hear the words Gospel Message I have to wonder which Gospel Message is being referenced? Is it Jesus message of keeping the law and loving God and others as yourself, or it is Paul's Gospel message that salvation is obtained by faith through grace it is a free gift from God not of works so no man can boast. Should Jesus or Paul be believed? Is the real message of salvation found in the gospels or in the epistles? Paul, of course, didn't actually write that, the author of Ephesians is unknown, so that's a problem too, but not really because in Timothy we find out that all scripture is inspired by God, but Paul didn't write that either. Hmmm? But........Nobody knows who wrote the Gospels either. Scholars know it certainly wasn't Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. So that's another problem. Hmmm,....So, exactly who determined that the bible is inerrant and inspired? Ah,.......well,....nobody knows who determined that either. Yeah, well read your bibles daily folks because its a divinely inspired instruction manual that tells everyone how to live their life in a way that pleases God....or whoever actually wrote all that stuff. Yeah, do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Brother Jeff, you forgot to tell new slaves to fork over as much money as they can to said good church, "give until it hurts" were the words used by my previous pastor. And give all free time to the organization by participating in shit, preparing to participate in shit, volunteering to help with the shit, or otherwise donating time and other resources to the shit. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becks Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 Brother Jeff, you forgot to tell new slaves to fork over as much money as they can to said good church, "give until it hurts" were the words used by my previous pastor. And give all free time to the organization by participating in shit, preparing to participate in shit, volunteering to help with the shit, or otherwise donating time and other resources to the shit. I recently moved into a new neighborhood, in the country. With one neighbor. They welcomed me with beautiful veggies from their garden which we tried to return the favor with homemade baked goods. A little while later they were offering some more tomatoes and I said "thanks for your generosity" to which they replied "we believe in giving till it hurts. I'd like to invite you to our church..." I stood there speechless but thankfully Jeff had the presence of mind to respond with a simple , "why thank you very much" and we went home. Fast forward through winter (obviously we didn't go to his church) and his Rottweiler dog got loose and charged at me growling and chased me up my driveway. I was thoroughly shaken and in tears. Did that nice Christian man who was standing right there come over to apologize? Nope. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
qadeshet Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 For god so loved the world that he sent his son, who's really himself, to sacrifice himself, in order to save us from himself. Makes a lot of sense. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Brother Jeff, you forgot to tell new slaves to fork over as much money as they can to said good church, "give until it hurts" were the words used by my previous pastor. And give all free time to the organization by participating in shit, preparing to participate in shit, volunteering to help with the shit, or otherwise donating time and other resources to the shit.I recently moved into a new neighborhood, in the country. With one neighbor. They welcomed me with beautiful veggies from their garden which we tried to return the favor with homemade baked goods. A little while later they were offering some more tomatoes and I said "thanks for your generosity" to which they replied "we believe in giving till it hurts. I'd like to invite you to our church..." I stood there speechless but thankfully Jeff had the presence of mind to respond with a simple , "why thank you very much" and we went home. Fast forward through winter (obviously we didn't go to his church) and his Rottweiler dog got loose and charged at me growling and chased me up my driveway. I was thoroughly shaken and in tears. Did that nice Christian man who was standing right there come over to apologize? Nope. He should be thanking god that you didn't call the authorities on his uncontrolled, potentially dangerous dog. If it gets loose again, for your safety and the safety of other humans and animals around you, call him in. Ownership of certain breeds of dogs requires extra diligence. I'm glad you were physically unharmed. The guy sounds like a selfish prick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I told him I was gonna shoot it if necessary. Same shit always happens. Nice Christians til they realize you're not coming to their church ever... Then not so friendly. Sorry for the derail Brother Jeff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becks Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Me too! Sorry Brother Jeff. Need to work on my forum etiquette:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Feel free to share with me passages from the Book of Myths that speak to you, and let me know what the Lard is magically doing in your life! Glory! I'm not seeing any takers on this challenge, Brother Jeff. Hmmmm, wonder why that is? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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