When You Deconverted. ...

[RogueScholar]

Like a few others, my deconversion was a slow and thoughtful process. By the time I officially admitted my atheism I was already leading the life I currently live, more or less. I never had a sudden moment wher it all went away and I made a conscious decision to "go out and sin."

[LadyNightingale]

Well! The first big thing when I got the feeling I didn't believe was attempt to summon demons. How? With tarot cards, spells, and like a ouji board. Unsurprisingly, nothing really happened except me getting over the fear of these 'rituals.' I can say with certainty, I don't fear curses or anything of the sort.

[Ellinas]

The only power in a curse is the fear it engenders in those that believe in it...  But I suspect many a Christian would find that view almost blasphemously sinful in itself.

[MightyLikely]

I remember the first time I bought something in a store on Saturday.  Seventh-Day Adventists consider this to be forbidden so by doing this I was breaking the Sabbath for the first time.  It was over 20 years ago, but I remember my purchase: I bought a bottle of Exedrin and a Star Trek novel.  I thought, ok, now it's official.

 

Several years later, I returned briefly to the Adventist community on a Sunday when all their stores were open and made a purchase.  The cashier rang up the sale, glanced at the sales slip and froze.  Her hand was a bit a-tremble when she handed it to me.  The total was...

 

$6.66.

[FlowerDemon]

What was the first "sinful" thing you did? Obvs deconversion may not hav happened all at once but at some point you must hav done something perhaps to celebrate that you formally would not hav done?

I've been trying to think what I did but I cannot recall ought spectacular.

Strangely and coz my own faith was quite legalistic my thing was that now i was no longer a christian I was going to watch "lost" from start to finish. Not quite sin of the century but i felt this was as a wordly evil tv show and alot of folks I knew talked about it I'd have a watch of it after all i was now free to do what i wanted without god looking on with a frown.

when I deconverted, i went back to talking in a way that would be displeasing to the Christian God if I still believed in him. then i went back to smoking weed and drinking on occassion, and hanging out with non believers on a normal basis, and making dirty jokes. basically things i was doing already but as a Christian I tried to give these things up because I wanted to be like Jesus in the sense of not being attached to anything of this world. But just because I partake in a substance or a joke or whatever doesnt mean im a slave to this world. it means i'm living my life the way that makes sense to me, and i'm no longer feeling guilty for the way i'm acting or the things im doing. even as a Christian I still believed that people had the right to have whatever religion or lack of religion they wanted, and it wasn't up to me to try to save their soul. But yet my own belief contradicted that...cuz Christianity is heavy on "making disciples" and converting others to christ, and how Jesus is the only way to God. I realized it was a brainwashing gimmick to give people a hope in something that doesn't even seem to exist. 

 

when i look at my life as a Christian compared to not a Christian, not much has changed. Here is what changed:

• I no longer feel guilty for the things I do such as cussing, making dirty jokes, drinking, etc...but if I make a mistake I feel confident in learning from it myself without having to confess to a god.
• I feel stronger to stand up for myself than before..as a Christian I clung onto the "turn the other cheek" mentality, even when people took advantage of me for my kindness.
• i am not living a life where i believe i need to change my "sinful" ways and be holy
• I am not praying for others to be saved and i am not reading the Bible religiously.
• Overall, I feel more free.

Let me add...that Christianity teaches that  the truth will set you free...even though you're adjusting your life to the Scriptures, it's God setting you free from sin and you're living the life he wants you to live. At first that made sense to me, but now it doesn't. God gave us this sinful nature (according to Christianity) and now he wants us to live for him so he can take away the sinful nature he gave us in the first place. How is that setting me free? I feel more free living my own life, being open minded, learning about all kinds of subjects even if they have conflict with Christianity. Embracing this life while I have it, being ok with the fact that there's only so much I can know, and I can't claim to know what the afterlife is like.

 

This is a new kind of freedom that is taking me a while to get used to. it's like a brainwashed part of me died, and my wounds are healing from it, and i'm re adjusting as I gain a new perspective. right now it's left me with a weird feeling...knowing that what i believed was a lie and i've left behind the idea of this god i once loved. it's almost as painful as a break up...i even cried about it. but at the same time, i feel better and no longer feel like a slave to something i constantly tried to rationalize.

 

i had to go on that rant...this is really hard to get used to...

[dichotomy]

I allowed myself to swear.

 

Swearing still doesn't come naturally to me, I rarely voice them, but I now allow myself to do so. It's not so much about the guilt in that respect, it's about the physicality of doing it. Actually just allowing the feelings to turn into thoughts in my head and then making them into sounds. It has been remarkably therapeutic, and I no longer fear the response, there is no shame or expectation, because I am no longer a christian so it doesn't matter what christians think.

 

In a more thought through stance I told God quite clearly that I did not want him.

 

Not long before my deconversion I received a "prophecy" in church. "God has you in his hand, whatever happens he will not let you go." So I politely informed him that he didn't need to worry about letting me go, because I was going to walk off it and not return.

[RisenTree]

I allowed myself to swear.

 

Swearing still doesn't come naturally to me, I rarely voice them, but I now allow myself to do so. It's not so much about the guilt in that respect, it's about the physicality of doing it. Actually just allowing the feelings to turn into thoughts in my head and then making them into sounds. It has been remarkably therapeutic, and I no longer fear the response, there is no shame or expectation, because I am no longer a christian so it doesn't matter what christians think.

 

In a more thought through stance I told God quite clearly that I did not want him.

 

Not long before my deconversion I received a "prophecy" in church. "God has you in his hand, whatever happens he will not let you go." So I politely informed him that he didn't need to worry about letting me go, because I was going to walk off it and not return.

 

During my deconversion process, I remember chatting with a friend of mine who cussed like a sailor. Her IDGAF attitude about it helped me overcome my angst of loosening my own language. I still have a little bit of that angst left, but that's because I live in a society and come from a family where many people still look down on those who use salty language.

[dichotomy]

 

I allowed myself to swear.

 

Swearing still doesn't come naturally to me, I rarely voice them, but I now allow myself to do so. It's not so much about the guilt in that respect, it's about the physicality of doing it. Actually just allowing the feelings to turn into thoughts in my head and then making them into sounds. It has been remarkably therapeutic, and I no longer fear the response, there is no shame or expectation, because I am no longer a christian so it doesn't matter what christians think.

 

In a more thought through stance I told God quite clearly that I did not want him.

 

Not long before my deconversion I received a "prophecy" in church. "God has you in his hand, whatever happens he will not let you go." So I politely informed him that he didn't need to worry about letting me go, because I was going to walk off it and not return.

 

During my deconversion process, I remember chatting with a friend of mine who cussed like a sailor. Her IDGAF attitude about it helped me overcome my angst of loosening my own language. I still have a little bit of that angst left, but that's because I live in a society and come from a family where many people still look down on those who use salty language.

 

 

It was similar for me. I got to know someone around the time I lost my faith. He was significantly older, had done a lot in life, lived all around the world, was really intelligent and gifted and well respected but he *swore* all the time. As in, when answering the phone he'd say "What d'ya want fucker" and this was completely new to me. I'd never known a respectable adult swear so much. It just changed my view on it completely, so much so that we allow our children to swear - with consideration for time, place and person - where as our parents wouldn't even allow us to say the word "fart". 

[YeahScience]

I watched "Breaking Bad", and wasn't sorry. And started saying GD again.

[Cabbie]

I was out of church (agnostic) for 15 years but only realized I was atheist last year. So I still had nagging guilt about the "sinful" things I did, just no real desire to quit doing them. The one thing I would never, ever do, and I cringed when other people did it, was say "goddammit". Once I fully crossed over into atheism, I have found that it's my new favorite expression now that I've allowed myself to let loose with it. I'm still respectful, I would never say it in front of anyone I might offend, but in my own house and around non-religious friends, absolutely.

[RenaissanceWoman]

I bought a KISS cd and played it way too loud in my car for a couple weeks. You know, also known during the 80s satanic-panic period as "Knights In Satan's Service". I quickly realized it was cheesy music that would have gone nowhere, in my opinion, if it hadn't been for the crazy makeup and costume schtick. I hadn't really missed out as a kid, I have decided.

 

 

But I still like some AC/DC. Really loud.

 

Hell's bells, baby.

[Cousin Ricky]

Jacked off without feeling guilty about it.

[HolyGoat]

I'd echo what so many others have said. My actual conduct changed very little after deconverting. I simply stopped recognizing some things I was already doing as sins. Granted, I was never really all that wracked with guilt about any of it. About the only "sin" that I felt all that guilty about was occasionally watching porn. I still don't think my wife would like it, but we still have a pretty good sex life.

 

I think the real change was allowing myself to enjoy some things that I would have thought were "sacrilegious" or something, such as certain movies, TV shows, books etc. I especially enjoy the song "Take Me to Church" by Hosier now! 

[Lilith666]

Speaking of cursing, my dad thinks "gosh-dang" is swearing. He got after my mom for saying "heck." I think it was after they listened to a sermon by some guy who decided he should preach his personal feelings about language to everyone else. Ha.

[dichotomy]

Speaking of cursing, my dad thinks "gosh-dang" is swearing. He got after my mom for saying "heck." I think it was after they listened to a sermon by some guy who decided he should preach his personal feelings about language to everyone else. Ha.

 

Ha language is a funny one anyways. Even people with no religious persuasion find certain terms "unacceptable", fart being a good example. I think my husband and I have gone to far the other way now because our eldest keeps saying "Oh my days" and it drives us both potty, obviously we don't tell him off but I feel like say "Oh for fuck's sake just say Oh my God!"

I expect it's more school friendly though, so I don't! 

[Ralet]

Late answer to the original question: Hate and not forgiving.

 

I was always taught to forgive everyone, to turn my the other cheek,.... Now I don't have to feel guilty about being angry, about not liking some people or not forgiving certain behavior. Though forgiveness is a good concept, especially for your own well-being, it is nice to know that is not forced on me. 

[FlowerDemon]

Late answer to the original question: Hate and not forgiving.

 

I was always taught to forgive everyone, to turn my the other cheek,.... Now I don't have to feel guilty about being angry, about not liking some people or not forgiving certain behavior. Though forgiveness is a good concept, especially for your own well-being, it is nice to know that is not forced on me. 

That's another thing I did when I deconverted. I no longer felt obligated to forgive everyone who did me wrong. I've always been a forgiving person, even before I was introduced to religion, but it's nice to not feel like i'm obligated to offer someone forgiveness if I am not quite ready to forgive them for what they've done.

[miamia]

I started to think about good vs bad in a more realistic sense I guess, like ok, so why is it bad to lie , cheat steal, what exact effect does it have on society,and on myself?realizing I no longer have to scrutinize all my actions from the perspective of guilt gave me a lot more control over my own destiny and mind. Asking why do I do what I do, and what effect does it have, instead of stopping the process at oh no I'm guilty I'm fucked I'll do better please I don't want to be punished. Purposely trying examine the true mechanisms of life without praying every step of the way, or asking the bible, was probably the first deliberate  "rebellion"

[DivineBlasphemer]

The first thing i did was, while me and a couple friends were out at dinner after watching a movie, somehow the topic of religion popped up (we go to a christian school) and when the question came to me, i said i wasn't religious. The girl who asked me then asked "so are u an athiest?" I said yes and she asked why. I then said that there are thousands of religions out there that profess that they are the "one and only" and that yours is one of them. Me and this girl are friends so she wasnt offended. I threw some of the nasty old testiment at her and i said "if you believe the Bible, it gives you permision to kill me where i stand because i dont believe and tried to convince you"

 

Deuteronomy 17

If there be found among you, within any of thy gates which the LORD thy God giveth thee, man or woman, that hath wrought wickedness in the sight of the LORD thy God, in transgressing his covenant; 17:3 And hath gone and served other gods, and worshipped them, either the sun, or moon, or any of the host of heaven, which I have not commanded; 17:4 And it be told thee, and thou hast heard of it, and enquired diligently, and, behold, it be true, and the thing certain, that such abomination is wrought in Israel; 17:5 Then shalt thou bring forth that man or that woman, which have committed that wicked thing, unto thy gates, even that man or that woman, and shalt stone them with stones, till they die.

 

Turns out she was a bit flimsy in her belief and also prefessed that some of the verses in the bible were utter horse shiet.

[whitehot]

Had my first kiss! It was beautiful.

[hereticzero]

I started making beer and wines again.

[offtheromanroad]

When I left, the concept of sin ceased to mean anything.  So, I haven't sinned since...

 

This is interesting. For me, it was quite different. I still feel like "sinning", but not in the biblical sense, but I still fight with having a bad conscience most of the time.

 

I was already "sinning" all the time. I just stopped feeling guilty about it.

 See above... I still have to learn not to feel guilty for certain things. But it's more like my moral compass is to sensitive, maybe it's not even that much related to Xianity.

 

But to answer the initial question: I guess I was already "sinning" before deconverting: I was drinking alcohol, I asked too many questions, I wasn't able to love all my fellow Christians (although I tried hard, and I am still trying to love my fellow humans today). And I allowed myself to have sex and to curse ("blaspehmy" is still difficult for me).

[offtheromanroad]

Speaking of cursing, my dad thinks "gosh-dang" is swearing. He got after my mom for saying "heck." I think it was after they listened to a sermon by some guy who decided he should preach his personal feelings about language to everyone else. Ha.

 

THIS is so funny!!!!! Makes me laugh out loud!

 

I once yelled "shit" in the presence of some US Christians (no offense). Someone then told me that "shit" was swearing to them. I guess it is different where I come from: The equivalent of "shit" in my language is the most normal swewarword one can possibly use, although of course children are told not to use it.

[Mythra]

 

 

Let me add...that Christianity teaches that  the truth will set you free...even though you're adjusting your life to the Scriptures, it's God setting you free from sin and you're living the life he wants you to live. At first that made sense to me, but now it doesn't. God gave us this sinful nature (according to Christianity) and now he wants us to live for him so he can take away the sinful nature he gave us in the first place. How is that setting me free? I feel more free living my own life, being open minded, learning about all kinds of subjects even if they have conflict with Christianity. Embracing this life while I have it, being ok with the fact that there's only so much I can know, and I can't claim to know what the afterlife is like.

 

This is a new kind of freedom that is taking me a while to get used to. it's like a brainwashed part of me died, and my wounds are healing from it, and i'm re adjusting as I gain a new perspective. right now it's left me with a weird feeling...knowing that what i believed was a lie and i've left behind the idea of this god i once loved. it's almost as painful as a break up...i even cried about it. but at the same time, i feel better and no longer feel like a slave to something i constantly tried to rationalize.

 

 

This is an older post.  But I just read it and I had to acknowledge it.  Really heartfelt, really well written.  Bravo, flowerdemon.

 

p.s.:  It sounds like the truth did set you free.

[Mythra]

When I deconverted I started doing one of the worst sins of all.

 

Thinking for myself.