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Goodbye Jesus

All New, Faded For Her.


LadyNightingale

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This is more or less a con

 

I admit to some dishonesty. Depression and bisexuality isn't really why everyone is concerned but those things are a big part of it.

 

It is because I am very likely on the autistic spectrum.

 

I am apparently not as severe as some cases and I'm female, so that's why it wasn't caught until now. This disability is social. Though, on my best days you wouldn't know it. You might think of me as shy and prone to the foot in the mouth disease.

 

When I was growing up I was diagnosed with ADD and subsequently put into the special education program. It was hell on earth. I absolutely hated it. The isolation and the humiliation was unbearable but, could never get out of the program.

 

I resent the fact they were more right about me than I could never imagine.

 

I was adopted and I was apparently born two months premature. I am told that the latter can contribute and the former makes me think my genetics have something to do with it.

 

I only bring this up to point out that I now have more than a suspicion that I am one of the causes of my mother's depression and suicidal ideation.

 

I've read threads and posts about parents of children on the spectrum, even with high functioning children, wanting to kill themselves over it. Because obviously no one signs up to have an autistic child. Not ever. Even doubly so if you adopted.

Yet she tried her best to raise me right. Sure she is overbearingly religious but, she has her reasons

 

Now what does this have to do with this "religious treatment center" I mentioned?

Well let me explain, it's actually a 6 month residential program that takes in young women between the ages of 13 and 28 who struggle with life controlling issues like depression, self-harm, eating disorders, abuse issues, drug and alcohol addictions, and pregnant women out of wedlock. They don't advertise it but they also try to fix women who are struggling with "lesbianism."

 

 

 

Here is why I call them a religious treatment center: they try to treat all of the above with prayer and biblical counseling. They try to dissuade anyone who comes through their doors to obtain psychiatric help. They are essentially trying to replace ACTUAL treatment centers and their marketing reflects this.

 

They are the ones who arranged my adoption. And they appear to do *some* good. So it's only natural my mother would see them as a beacon of hope despite not having the same beliefs about psychiatric medication as the founders do. She probably thinks they can help my apparent autism, depression, "eating disorder" (???), and maybe get me to believe in God and the bible again. (I think she's in denial about my bisexuality but that's another topic.)

 

----

 

The reason I feel obligated to attend such a laughably false and dangerous program is because I don't want to be the cause of more heartbreak. It was already painful for my mom to raise me and my sister with my dad slowly succumbing to disease. I feel like her faith is the only thing that sustains her through life.

 

At the same time going through something that at close examination has all the tell-tale signs of a cult. And when I think about it I don't believe I can get through it with my sanity intact. I don't think they'll even let me escape into my own mind.

 

There has to be a way to go back into the closet I was unwillingly forced out of without having to join a cult.

 

I don't care much if my mom knows the truth, I just don't want to be the source of unhappiness in her life any longer.

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*this is more or less continuation of the thing I brought up here:http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/69323-well-shit/#entry1063477

**I'm sorry about the thread title making no sense. It was a placeholder. I accidentally pressed submit. Whoops.

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Sorry to hear that your education sucked so bad.  Christianity's solution for most problems is "do nothing".  But there isn't much we can do about it.  Relatives can't be deconverted.  It doesn't work that way because Christianity is insulted from outside influences.

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You aren't the source of her unhappiness, she is. Only she has the power to make herself happy. You are who you are, and can become what you like to a certain extent by choosing and working towards something. The center you speak of is a bunch of religious kooks that think if they talk about Jesus and quote scripture (which they see as a sword of god that will harm the devil - both invisible creatures that don't exist) then you will be magically changed into a clone of themselves. It is cruel, but they only care about one thing, you becoming like them. They see it as love, because they are trying to keep you from being burned alive forever by the god of love. That last sentence is intended to show the insanity of the faith.

 

You have the ability to choose what is best for you. Your mom is caught up in fears of invisible helpers and enemies locked in intense battle for human souls. None of that exists in the slightest. You likely have no power to change that in her, or her choice to focus on what makes her unhappy. Choose a path in life that takes you out of the insanity and gives you a comfort and joy. You may need distance between you and her. But please don't submit to this thinking that she will be happy, it won't happen. Even if you were the perfect kid, she'd still find things to call the devil because she herself is messed up inside, and you can't fix that.

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I don't care much if my mom knows the truth, I just don't want to be the source of unhappiness in her life any longer.

 

You are not the source of unhappiness for anyone else. I hope you can get to the place where you stop blaming yourself for existing. You are worthy just as you are, but you may need some secular therapy to see that.

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The thing about spectrum disorders is that some people very clearly have them, but for most it isn't clear at all. In these cases, the label can be either helpful or hurtful. If identifying as being on the spectrum helps you to discover solutions to some of your problems, then that's fantastic. But it should not be used as an excuse or a justification for problems. We all have problems. We can either learn to deal with them, or use them as excuses. In my experience, the former approach generally leads to more happiness.

 

One place that you can be quite sure you will not find help dealing with your issues is at a treatment center such as the one you describe. I advise you to stay as far away from there as possible. As others have said, you are not the cause of anyone's unhappiness. You did not choose your genetics any more than your mother did. You have some issues that need to be dealt with. It's important that they are dealt with properly, and not made worse by immersion in a cult.

 

Best of luck.

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I am really grateful for all of the advice here. It's pretty damn clear I can't really submit myself to any Christian counseling even if to go back into the closet. Yeah, granted I'm not exactly perfection and I've definitely put off dealing shit but now seems like a good time.

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Fuego is right. You can love your mom and treat her well - which doesn't mean doing anything that would make your life unhappy - but you aren't ultimately responsible for your mother's happiness. You're responsible for your own, which is all that you have control over.

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LadyNightingale - if you go along with this pseudo-religious quackery, I fear you will risking creating for yourself problems that need never exist.  This nonsense can only harm you.

 

If you have psychological health issues, see a properly qualified secular professional - and refuse anything less.

 

I'm not generally inclined to cause pain to family unnecessarily.  However, this may well impinge on your health and well-being, so your mother's finer feelings really do not count in the equation.

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LadyNightingale,

 

Like you, I'm on the spectrum and I'm also blind. More importantly, I'm happy. I did fine once I found the support I needed and discovered what I loved to do. If you find a way to get the help you know you need, you'll probably do all right, too.

 

Don't ever let your mom (or anyone else) tell you you're so messed up that they'd be better off dead than accepting you. You know that's manipulation and it's nonsense. It sounds like you know what you need. Insist that you get it. And then go enjoy your dragons.

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