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Goodbye Jesus

I Miss God


bunzooh

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Leafing through Isaiah the other day, I can't remember why....yes, it was the youtube video series by Evid3nc3 (highly recommended for its compassion and the rational way he arrived at his atheism.) 

 

Well, in one of those videos, he mentions Isaiah 51 something, and I went to look it up...and found at the end of the chapter a favorite passage: Therefore the redeemed of the LORD shall return, and go with singing unto Zion, and  everlasting joy shall be upon their heads.

 

I love this passage...have loved it from the very beginning of my sojourn in Xtianity. Well...if the bible is bunk, then so are the good things in it, and that made me so sad. I paused the video and just cried. I miss God. I don't want God not to exist. I don't want to not believe in Jesus.

 

Where will I end up? I am stepping into a confusing, rather dark place. Like a deep chasm. I'm afraid of it, don't want to go there, but I can't stay here, because everything I've lived for, and all that my life has been based on, is turning out to be flawed and unreliable. I found that there are errors in the bible, and I also found that the promises in the bible, especially those promising protection to those who "live in the shadow of the Almighty" are empty. Flawed and empty. I can no longer stay where I have lived for so long.

 

Walking away from the bible because of its flaws and its emptiness means walking away from the delights too. The "everlasting joy" and the "going out with joy" and the "no longer any sorrow or sickness" of heaven. In fact, since this all started, I haven't had any elated, soaring, heart opening glorious joy, either. I've got peace about some things, but the joy is gone. I miss the joy. sad.png

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Bun, all of that joy comes from inside of you, even if you are a believer. You can sing joyfully without Jupiter or Zeus, so you can sing joyfully without any other gods that aren't there. I started singing about 5 years ago, just for fun, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I find fun tunes all the time from the classic jazz of the 50s and 60s. The joy I feel comes from the freedom I feel, no longer constrained with wondering if my thoughts or actions are "the Lord's will" or not, no more demons and angels, no more angry gods and primitive blood sacrifices. The meaning of life is what we give to it, not a preconceived set of rules some shepherd said that a god told him.

 

Joy also comes with friends. It took some time to make friends outside of the church, but I have some now. We aren't snooping in each other's private lives like in church, we simply do things together, talk about what is important to us, and eat together. Joy can be found, but the joy I used to experience in church was like the rest between abuse in a bad relationship. Those kinds of partners can make life seem more exciting, like being in a war zone, but it was never meant to be normal life or healthful. There were times that seemed almost magical, and the thrill of "god's presence" was the big one. But even that turned out to be something my mind provided as a feeling, along with being with others that were of the same mindset.

 

You can sometimes find people who share your interests through meetup.com (not a dating site) that are doing things in your area. Do the things you love with passion, and find others that share your passions. And singing is always a good idea, even if you never plan to sing for others, sing for yourself. Music does interesting things in our minds and emotions.

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I find joy on a nature hike, looking at the stars, hearing my kids say something funny, making love to my wife, watching a movie, attending a concert, eating a good meal, or making my own music, as Fuego said.  All that we really have is the moment anyway.  Not only does eternity not exist, tomorrow does not exist.  All that we have from the past is flawed memories.  Joy is to be found now, at this time, in this place.

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I find joy on a nature hike, looking at the stars, hearing my kids say something funny, making love to my wife, watching a movie, attending a concert, eating a good meal, or making my own music, as Fuego said.  All that we really have is the moment anyway.  Not only does eternity not exist, tomorrow does not exist.  All that we have from the past is flawed memories.  Joy is to be found now, at this time, in this place.

 

Bun, all of that joy comes from inside of you, even if you are a believer. You can sing joyfully without Jupiter or Zeus, so you can sing joyfully without any other gods that aren't there. I started singing about 5 years ago, just for fun, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I find fun tunes all the time from the classic jazz of the 50s and 60s. The joy I feel comes from the freedom I feel, no longer constrained with wondering if my thoughts or actions are "the Lord's will" or not, no more demons and angels, no more angry gods and primitive blood sacrifices. The meaning of life is what we give to it, not a preconceived set of rules some shepherd said that a god told him.

 

Joy also comes with friends. It took some time to make friends outside of the church, but I have some now. We aren't snooping in each other's private lives like in church, we simply do things together, talk about what is important to us, and eat together. Joy can be found, but the joy I used to experience in church was like the rest between abuse in a bad relationship. Those kinds of partners can make life seem more exciting, like being in a war zone, but it was never meant to be normal life or healthful. There were times that seemed almost magical, and the thrill of "god's presence" was the big one. But even that turned out to be something my mind provided as a feeling, along with being with others that were of the same mindset.

 

You can sometimes find people who share your interests through meetup.com (not a dating site) that are doing things in your area. Do the things you love with passion, and find others that share your passions. And singing is always a good idea, even if you never plan to sing for others, sing for yourself. Music does interesting things in our minds and emotions.

 

I find joy on a nature hike, looking at the stars, hearing my kids say something funny, making love to my wife, watching a movie, attending a concert, eating a good meal, or making my own music, as Fuego said.  All that we really have is the moment anyway.  Not only does eternity not exist, tomorrow does not exist.  All that we have from the past is flawed memories.  Joy is to be found now, at this time, in this place.

 

Thanks you guys. (pardon the duplicate quotes...still learning that stuff)

 

You're right: I love getting outdoors for walks. Love being with my man, love going out dancing...heck, I love dancing around my apartment like a dork to Santana or any other music. That's delightful, and even as a Xtian, the dancing wasn't to Xtian "music" (which...gawd, is there ANYTHING worse than what passes as praise music these days. blech. and I've always thought that. Give me the old classic hymns ANY day over the bland tripe that's popular these days in church services...or on Xtian radio)

 

Well anyway, it's true. I do have other sources of enjoyment and pleasure in my life. Right now I'm in a pretty depressed place, is all. It's temporary, but I am so sad right now. I just need to be sad. If I have endured a loss, then maybe I'm going through the stages of grief, eh? In fact, I'm trying to be angry about the lies and blindness, but I can't even feel angry, just sad.

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Bun. It's ok.

You are going to be ok :)

You will get stronger in those areas that are used to leaning on a false hope and you will feel joyful about your newfound strength.

It will all be ok. Just hang in there for a while and keep using your brain.

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Check out the Phases of Deconversion post.  I think that you will be able to relate: http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/21830-phases-of-deconversion/#.VedA-_lViko

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I miss Santa.

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It took you a while to develop the feelings that you did when you were a Christian. It will take time for you to develop new feelings. They will come. You will vacillate back and forth and you will struggle. This is common. It will take a while for your brain to develop a new worldview. It will be scary and it will also be joyful and liberating. Its all worth it. Keep moving forward and one day you will look back on this with the experience you have and you will have a new joy.

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I paused the video and just cried. I miss God. I don't want God not to exist. I don't want to not believe in Jesus.

 

 

 

Have you ever seen God or Jesus?  I never did.  How can we miss somebody we never actually met?  A stalker has more of a relationship with the celebrity they stalk than a Christian has with God.

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Nobody said leaving your faith is easy. It's hard & often emotionally draining In the early stages, but it gets easier with the passing of time. The more you learn about Christianity the easier it becomes to walk away from it. One day you will look back on your days as a Christian & wonder why you ever believed any of it. The day will come when you will be truly thankful that you left.

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Thanks you guys. (pardon the duplicate quotes...still learning that stuff)

 

You're right: I love getting outdoors for walks. Love being with my man, love going out dancing...heck, I love dancing around my apartment like a dork to Santana or any other music. That's delightful, and even as a Xtian, the dancing wasn't to Xtian "music" (which...gawd, is there ANYTHING worse than what passes as praise music these days. blech. and I've always thought that. Give me the old classic hymns ANY day over the bland tripe that's popular these days in church services...or on Xtian radio)

 

Well anyway, it's true. I do have other sources of enjoyment and pleasure in my life. Right now I'm in a pretty depressed place, is all. It's temporary, but I am so sad right now. I just need to be sad. If I have endured a loss, then maybe I'm going through the stages of grief, eh? In fact, I'm trying to be angry about the lies and blindness, but I can't even feel angry, just sad.

Hi, I can relate to how you felt. When I realized Christianity was going to collapse for me, I stood over the kitchen sink and wept because I couldn't pray the Rosary anymore. It took years for the emotional pull to wear off, although occasionally I still feel an unexpected sense of nostalgia at parts of the liturgy or art. I feel much more at home in relating to people without always worrying that they would be going to hell or that God would judge some way I slipped up. I finally stopped attending services when the Catholic Church opposed a gay right law in NY State, as it had been doing for years, and it hit me, why am I supporting this organization?

 

I think a lot of the wonders that are spoken of in scripture and tradition are true wonders of nature and the human spirit, and you carry those with you.

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Hi bunzooh, I can sure relate to what you are feeling. I felt the void you are feeling for a long, long time. When you are at this stage of the game, (questioning everything), your brain will feel like it's on the most confusing drug in the world. It's called cognitive dissonance and it takes time, reading and studying to learn how to have a new 'World View'. For years we believed...  and now we feel different and that takes time to work out in the mind and heart. It's like the whole body goes into some kind of shock. I (personally) will always miss the concept of a loving god who is protecting the world but I am learning how to live in a way that is somewhat comfortable. It's going to be OK. Once I worked my way through not seeing my loved ones after death, I started to have an acceptance in my heart. I am always hoping that someone will tell me that they have proof of an afterlife. I'll always be open to anything as long as they can provide me with proof.  Keep posting my dear. Don't stop asking the hard questions. We're here for you.

 

big (hug) for you as you find your new journey.

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Leafing through Isaiah the other day, I can't remember why....yes, it was the youtube video series by Evid3nc3 (highly recommended for its compassion and the rational way he arrived at his atheism.) 

 

Well, in one of those videos, he mentions Isaiah 51 something, and I went to look it up...and found at the end of the chapter a favorite passage: Therefore the redeemed of the LORD shall return, and go with singing unto Zion, and  everlasting joy shall be upon their heads.

 

I love this passage...have loved it from the very beginning of my sojourn in Xtianity. Well...if the bible is bunk, then so are the good things in it, and that made me so sad. I paused the video and just cried. I miss God. I don't want God not to exist. I don't want to not believe in Jesus.

 

Where will I end up? I am stepping into a confusing, rather dark place. Like a deep chasm. I'm afraid of it, don't want to go there, but I can't stay here, because everything I've lived for, and all that my life has been based on, is turning out to be flawed and unreliable. I found that there are errors in the bible, and I also found that the promises in the bible, especially those promising protection to those who "live in the shadow of the Almighty" are empty. Flawed and empty. I can no longer stay where I have lived for so long.

 

Walking away from the bible because of its flaws and its emptiness means walking away from the delights too. The "everlasting joy" and the "going out with joy" and the "no longer any sorrow or sickness" of heaven. In fact, since this all started, I haven't had any elated, soaring, heart opening glorious joy, either. I've got peace about some things, but the joy is gone. I miss the joy. sad.png

 

The bible has interesting stories and moral principles. So do countless other books. Look for such inspiration and you could find everywhere. Your life is, and always has been, primarily what you make of it. Most people who don't believe in religion will not go to church because they think it is hypocritical. As for me, I am not against any religion and am maybe the most confirmed atheist you will ever talk to.  I secretly must laugh at the stupidity of any and all religions but sometimes go to church to sing the songs and talk with the friendly people. You can do whatever you want and be as happy as you want. Often the biggest delights in one's life are the ones you create for yourself. Learning how to be happy and blissful comes natural to some, but could require more beneficial perspectives, some learning and practice for others.

 

best of luck :)

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What are you missing?

 

An idea.  A set of practices.  An emotional attachment to a fiction.

 

Eventually, you will find your joy in the realities of life as it now is.

 

All the best.

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It's only natural to mourn. I like to compare my deconversion to a bad breakup. It was sad to let go, and I needed time to grieve, but in the end I'm better off. 

 

Things will get better. 

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Again, thanks for the input. It really is helpful to discuss this stuff with people who know my struggle.

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Leafing through Isaiah the other day, I can't remember why....yes, it was the youtube video series by Evid3nc3 (highly recommended for its compassion and the rational way he arrived at his atheism.) 

 

Well, in one of those videos, he mentions Isaiah 51 something, and I went to look it up...and found at the end of the chapter a favorite passage: Therefore the redeemed of the LORD shall return, and go with singing unto Zion, and  everlasting joy shall be upon their heads.

 

I love this passage...have loved it from the very beginning of my sojourn in Xtianity. Well...if the bible is bunk, then so are the good things in it, and that made me so sad. I paused the video and just cried. I miss God. I don't want God not to exist. I don't want to not believe in Jesus.

 

Where will I end up? I am stepping into a confusing, rather dark place. Like a deep chasm. I'm afraid of it, don't want to go there, but I can't stay here, because everything I've lived for, and all that my life has been based on, is turning out to be flawed and unreliable. I found that there are errors in the bible, and I also found that the promises in the bible, especially those promising protection to those who "live in the shadow of the Almighty" are empty. Flawed and empty. I can no longer stay where I have lived for so long.

 

Walking away from the bible because of its flaws and its emptiness means walking away from the delights too. The "everlasting joy" and the "going out with joy" and the "no longer any sorrow or sickness" of heaven. In fact, since this all started, I haven't had any elated, soaring, heart opening glorious joy, either. I've got peace about some things, but the joy is gone. I miss the joy. sad.png

Thank you for this post.  I left Christianity over a year ago now and feel like I am stuck.  I too miss God, but when I miss god I remember that it is the idea of God.  This all powerful being who cares for me.  Right now I am not feeling joy either.  But I also sense there is so much healing I need from my experiences in christianity.  

 

Reading you post helped me realize I am not the only one feeling this way.  

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You've had a lot of replies so I can't really say anything different, but I just wanted to add that I absolutely identify with this feeling of grief from my early days. I had loved and known God *forever*, since the beginning of my understanding of life and my own self God had been a part of that. It was *Very* hard to let go of someone who had been so significant to me.

It was even harder to learn to accept that that *someone* hadn't ever been real.

 

But you do get there, you move on, it does get better. And after a while I found that I could find peace, joy, hope and light in what had once been described to me as a dark world. The reality is that the world is no different, *I'm* what has changed and that means I do have control over how I react and exist within it.

 

It's not always easy, it can sometimes be painful and I still have the odd fleeting moment of sadness of what I lost, but mostly it's been a hell of a lot better, and I feel free. I am hopeful that you will eventually feel that way too.

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I deconverted about a couple weeks ago, around the same time i joined this site. I went through serious depressing feelings during the last week and a half,and honestly those feelings still linger. Turning away from a belief in a god that you were convinced was real, with absolute certainty...is not easy. The foundation of your reality gets shaken when this happens, and then you have to get yourself together and embrace a new view of life. However, it doesn't happen overnight. 

 

The thing is I went back and forth from Christianity for 7 years. In all of the times I left, it wasn't the same as this experience. This time, I am actually coming to my senses. If I keep leaving a faith and then come back to it over and over again for 7 years, then this must not be a belief that I agree with. I had to be logical this time...and actually learn about Christianity without a Christian bias. And that was (and still is) hard. Why do you think I'm on this site? This place is like my support group right now. Might as well be called Ex Christians Anonymous.

 

I have recently come to terms with where I am at now spiritually, and accept the change that has happened in my life. I still have those feelings of sadness and grief from losing my faith in the Christian God...but at the same time, I view this as a new beginning, instead of the end of something. It will only get better from here. You have the freedom to think for yourself, to not base your morality off of an old book that has been re translated over time. You won't feel obligated to go to church or to have all of your beliefs/behaviors/morals in line with scripture. You can do things that many Christians see as "sinful", when in reality they aren't bad things at all. Example: watching an R rated movie, listening to music with cuss words in it, reading about different beliefs that conflict with Christianity. You will embrace the fact that you are in control of your own life, no matter what you believe in. It's empowering to embrace this fact.

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It's really bad today. I've had several days of alone time, and reading some non-xtian, non-atheist stuff (Eckhart Tolle) ... also I found a YouTube discussion with NT Wright (who is probably my favorite theologian currently on the planet)...an intelligent and highly educated man who DOES believe in the resurrection, and reveres the Bible highly, although he is not evangelical and is not a bible literalist. I'm also interested in John Polkinghorne, a quantum physicist turned Anglican priest. Another highly intelligent, learned individual who does believe in God and Jesus and all of it, though not a literalist, not an evangelical.

 

(and so I wonder if my problem is with American Xtianity and their bibliolatry, more than actual Xtianity ???)

 

So, in my pondering, I began to want to return to God. YHWH can NOT be who I return to, though. But the spirituality of Eckhart isn't turning me on. I already do so many of the things he recommends (such as accepting things as they are,  and seeing my thoughts objectively, and accepting things just as they are) but I just don't know about the "all one consciousness" thing, where everything physical is essentially an illusion. Dunno about that.

 

I do have a FB friend who abandoned Xtianity, and is exploring many things in science and in spirituality. He introduced me to Eckhart, and is experimenting with things a lot. He seems to consider the resurrection a major thing, if not a historical event. I'm going to dialogue with him a bit.

 

Being in transition is tough.

 

 

 

 

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It's really bad today. I've had several days of alone time, and reading some non-xtian, non-atheist stuff (Eckhart Tolle) ... also I found a YouTube discussion with NT Wright (who is probably my favorite theologian currently on the planet)...an intelligent and highly educated man who DOES believe in the resurrection, and reveres the Bible highly, although he is not evangelical and is not a bible literalist. I'm also interested in John Polkinghorne, a quantum physicist turned Anglican priest. Another highly intelligent, learned individual who does believe in God and Jesus and all of it, though not a literalist, not an evangelical.

 

(and so I wonder if my problem is with American Xtianity and their bibliolatry, more than actual Xtianity ???)

 

So, in my pondering, I began to want to return to God. YHWH can NOT be who I return to, though. But the spirituality of Eckhart isn't turning me on. I already do so many of the things he recommends (such as accepting things as they are,  and seeing my thoughts objectively, and accepting things just as they are) but I just don't know about the "all one consciousness" thing, where everything physical is essentially an illusion. Dunno about that.

 

I do have a FB friend who abandoned Xtianity, and is exploring many things in science and in spirituality. He introduced me to Eckhart, and is experimenting with things a lot. He seems to consider the resurrection a major thing, if not a historical event. I'm going to dialogue with him a bit.

 

Being in transition is tough.

I want to tell you that it is perfectly ok for you to explore other options. I doubt that anyone here really is concerned if you do so. Many of them have done much of the same that you are now. Its completely normal. Be who you want to be. Don't let anyone or anything keep you from getting what you need. Being free from Christianity is empowering and should lead you to explore all that there is to offer in this world. Like I said earlier, it took you a long time to develop the beliefs and ideas you have now, it will definitely take time to develop new ones. Just don't let yourself be easily deceived or led down a path of religious entrapment. Explore evidence, challenge the ideas being presented to you. If you find that the answers you get satisfy what you are looking for, then embrace them. No love lost here.

Just remember to be true to yourself. Live your life as you want to and as you see fit. There is no greater freedom than that.

Good Luck.

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Sometimes non-believers who lean towards atheism can get a little nasty towards people who question xtianity but stick with some form of spirituality. For people who used to be religious and are still processing through the crap, it can be a sore spot. And people who grew up without religion sometimes have a hard time relating to people who were raised in it. I mean, there's a reason the spirituality section on this forum is so heavily moderated here. Whatever the case, keep searching wherever you need to search and don't let the jerks get you down. (And it sounds like you don't need to be told any of this stuff by me.)

 

I really did miss God for years, even when I still believed in one. It probably had a lot to do with the way I coped with being disabled. I've always had a lot of uncertainty in my life, and belief in a God who was watching out for me was a great comfort. It was hard giving up the idea of a safety net. But for me, that safety net came at the cost of my self-esteem. I really felt like I couldn't do anything for myself without God's help. Anyway, I'm rambling and I don't know that any of that stuff applies to your situation. Whatever the case, good luck with your journey, wherever it takes you. :)

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Well...if the bible is bunk, then so are the good things in it, and that made me so sad.

 

That is not entirely true. Keep in mind most everything in the bible was copied (and ALTERED!!) from much older sources.  I'm not sure if you're ready for a good jolting wake up call, but here goes - Read 'The Forbidden Religion'  I just finished reading it for the second time and I now understand why I am so very angry.  http://www.theforbiddenreligion.com/gnostic-book.htm 

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Seeing that how we see God, is usually through our own ideas and imagination, that doesn't make it any less real...at times. I'm also going through *something* now too, OP. I'm done fighting it though, and if you wish to believe, then believe. If it brings comfort and joy, then let it. I've always believed that, even after my deconversion. I wouldn't ever talk someone out of their faith life, unless that faith life is hurting others in the process. It's a journey, and you need to find what works for you. 

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Ignorance is bliss. If bliss alone is the goal, by all means embrace religion to the fullest. But in my view that's a bit selfish because I believe that religion has caused the world more harm than good. Belief in magic, I admit, can bring some happiness and peace to certain individuals in some circumstances, but at what cost?

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