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Goodbye Jesus

Leaving Christianity, Lost Count Of How Many Times I've Done This Already.


FlowerDemon

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Hello. I am happy to have found a site like this so I could share my story on what I've been through. I'm honestly still dealing with some sadness from this...I went back and forth from Christianity for 7 years, and once again I have found myself leaving the church. It's upsetting because I wanted it to be real, but deep down Christianity truly conflicted with my views/opinions. I found myself ignoring questions that kept popping up in my head, ones that I wrestled with before that played a role in my back and forth game. Questions like "Why is it wrong to be gay?" "Why did God allow the existence of Hell and Satan, and chose to only accept his followers into Heaven?" "Why is it wrong to say bad words, when all I'm doing is expressing myself with them?" "Why did God create us to worship him?" "Why did God make the Bible so confusing for humans to understand, that it has been a cause of many wars, witch burnings, discrimination, and hate? If God wants us all to know him, why does he make it so hard to?" "Why don't I see people praying over blind people and giving them sight through the healing of Jesus, like in the New Testament?" I could go on forever.

 

As a Christian, I accepted the fact that all of my questions would not be answered, because "His thoughts are greater than my thoughts. His ways are higher than my ways." But it got to the point where I couldn't pull that card anymore. Literally for 7 years, these questions lingered and I tried to rationalize them or shove them under the carpet...because I clung onto the experiences I had with Jesus that convinced me that he was real, despite my questions.

 

From here, I am going to copy and paste what I wrote when I first joined this site, I wrote my experience to see to it being posted on the blog. So here it is...

 

It's really tough...believing in something for so long and convincing yourself it's real...only to find that you don't agree with it anymore. You just cannot go on believing something that clashes with your morals/opinions/views/etc. Your whole perspective shifts to something new and rather unexpected. It's kind of saddening in a way, like when you were a kid and you found out Santa Claus wasn't real, even though your parents told you he was real for years. I was upset for a while when I first found that out. 
 
Anyways, let me share my story....
 
I was not raised in a Christian home, though my grandparents are Christians. As a kid I believed in God, even though I didn't really understand the Jesus story. I felt that something greater than myself was in the sky when I looked at the stars at night. I just believed it without being told. 
 
I got older and in middle school began going to youth group. Summer of my 8th grade year I went to a Christian music festival and decided to become a Christian and got baptized. The message I heard meant a lot to me and it was like it spoke to my wounded soul. I was on fire for Christ for a while, and from that point forward I went back and forth in my faith for...WOW 7 years! 7 years I went from believing, to leaving the church, to coming back, getting baptized again, leaving again, dabbling in other faiths, coming back, etc over and over again. It was a crazy 7 years.
 
During those 7 years, I often told myself: "The reason why I keep leaving and coming back is because deep down I never quit loving Jesus and He is leading me back to His grace. That's why when I decide to leave the church, I always end up coming back. He has a plan for me and wants me to let Him in my life to stay." This made sense, because when I was not a Christian, I wasn't making the greatest life decisions, and when I was a Christian, I felt like I was living a whole new life with better choices. I used that as proof to show that God existed, since when God was in my life I was living a better life and felt happier about myself.
 
There's a few problems with this mentality. First of all, when I think about all of the times I left and came back to the church...it was because I had all of these questions that were unanswered, and all of these things I didn't agree with no matter how hard I tried to understand them. For example I will NEVER understand why a loving God would allow anything like HELL, or SATAN to exist. I will NEVER understand why you have to believe in the right God, otherwise you will BURN for all eternity. I don't get why God is so black and white about His children. As in the Psalms, people are described as either being "righteous" or "wicked". There is no inbetween here. You either believe in the one true God, and spend all eternity with Him in heaven, or you believe in nothing or something else, and have to pay for it, for ALL ETERNITY.
 
Christians are like "Well God can't force His love on you, He let's you decide if you want to believe or not." But it's not really a choice. It's pressure. It's like if a guy held a gun to your head and said "Love me or I'll shoot you in the head." It's the same thing as this belief: "Love me or you will spend all eternity separated from me in hell, where there will be gnashing of teeth."
 
Then they'll say "Well if you don't love God then He won't make you spend eternity with Him." So instead I have to suffer for making my own choice? What the actual fuck is this? 
 
I don't get why being gay is a sin, or having sex before marriage, or living with your significant other before marriage, or getting drunk once in a while, etc...I don't see any of those things as wrong. But yet Christianity is black and white about everything, either something is holy or it is evil. Either someone is righteous and holy or they are wicked and unbelieving. Either you're going to heaven or hell. 
 
And if God made us in his image, then why do we have to change everything about our human nature, even the things that don't harm others or ourselves? I can't express my anger by saying "shit" without it being a sin? Come on..you got to be kidding me. Because of a couple of people who sinned when I wasn't even born, I am corrupted in a fallen nature, and I must repent to Jesus Christ to become more like Him because He was the perfect example of how God wants us to live (even though what he taught was VERY similar to other religions. Example read the Lotus Sutra of Buddhism and you will see many similarities in what is being taught with the New Testament). 
 
We were made in His image, but yet we have to change ourselves to the likeness of Christ, who is technically God. In other words, we were made in His (God's) image, but we have to change in the likeness of His (Jesus') image. How can someone make you in his image...but yet you have to change to be like that same person? That makes no sense considering that the Trinity is considered 3 components of the same thing. 
 
[i don't want to go on too long of a rant here so let me continue]
 
The second problem with this mentality is, even though I felt like I was living a better life and I was happier, nothing much had really changed at all. As I tried to become more like Jesus, I would continue to falter and feel like I wasn't being devoted/faithful enough to the Lord to allow the Holy Spirit to move in my life. I still got upset about the same things, I still had the same habits. Here's the reality of what was happening here: I was trying to be something I'm not, and I felt bad that it wasn't working. 
 
I felt like God helped me overcome aspects of my sinful nature, but now that I think about it, I changed myself because the belief in Jesus was convicting me to change my lifestyle. I thought it was the Holy Spirit convicting me, but actually, it was the idea of Jesus and the teachings of Christianity that caused me to feel like I needed to "part from my evil ways" and "stay away from sinful influences." Which would explain why I wasn't making as many not-so-good life choices. The fear of sinning against God...even though He forgives, I knew I'd be held accountable for it every time.
 
I began to "turn the other cheek" when someone would treat me like crap. I was trying to be like Jesus by allowing people to walk over me like a door mat. I quit drinking even though the Bible doesn't say it's bad, it's only sinful to get drunk. I almost quit having sex with my boyfriend, but deep down that didn't make sense to me because we are dedicated to each other alone, and we have a special relationship that gets intimate for good reason, because we're in love. I didn't see how there was anything wrong with that.
 
That's the thing. Not much had changed because even though I believed in Christ and gave up some of my "sinful ways",  it conflicted with my personal beliefs on how I wanted to live my life. It conflicted with my views/opinions/thoughts/morals. I began to feel like a rope in a tug o war match. In my mind I had become a "new creation", but even as a Christian, I had moments where I thought about it logically, and I knew that I had barely changed at all. It was all in my head. No one even noticed much of a change in me, if there was one, it was pretty subtle. 
 
I was only changing the parts of my life that I was comfortable changing that correlated with scriptures. In my time with God, I knew there were some things I did that the Bible condemned, but I would not stop doing them because I seriously did not get how it was a sin or corrupting my spirit.
 
Let me add that when I felt like I was being "prompted" by the Holy Spirit to do something, such as give a homeless man a couple dollars, or invite the drunk homeless lady to church...deep down I did it because I felt like I had to, in order to preserve my Christian image, to show to others that I was living the example of Christ. I find it kind of weird how I needed a reason like religion to help these people in the first place. It wasn't even a prompting, it was more of an obligation. I felt like if I didn't help the homeless person, then I would not be walking in the path that Jesus called on us to live...like giving to the poor. 
 
So what does it make me, if I give to a homeless person with no reason other than just to be kind and helpful? Doesn't that make more sense than basing all of your good deeds on your faith in God? But if the God of Christianity exists, then my good deed wouldn't really matter, because the Bible states how important faith in God is. You can't just do good deeds out of the kindness of your heart, and be accepted by God. You MUST have faith in God, and only the one SPECIFIC god out of the many gods and religions known to man. Otherwise, your good deeds don't mean much.
 
A third flaw in my mentality of God calling me to follow him all the times I left the church, is...why would God allow me to be so confused about him for 7 years? I've gone back and forth for that long, and I've still come to the same conclusion that I can't believe in this anymore. It's too narrow-minded. I like to consider any possibilities. I like opening my mind to other opinions and ideas. I can't stand locking myself in a box when there's the whole world to explore out there.
In fact, why would God allow all of the confusion about him to surface? 2 Peter 3:9 states (NIV):
 
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
 
If that is the case, then how come so many people (like me), come to Christ, only to be baffled and confused. In fact, there are so many Christian denominations it blows my mind, because ONE BODY ONE CHURCH is spoken of all throughout the New Testament. But yet there are all of these different denominations, different sects of the same belief, because apparently God is not giving everyone the same message about himself. If it was true that he wants us all to repent and not perish, then why does he cause all of this chaos? Why does he present himself in a way that is so unclear to so many people, even when they try to understand? He gives different people messages that contradict, and that makes me wonder if it's God or if it's those people convincing themselves in their head that it was God.
 
And what does God being patient with me have to do with anything? He is omnipotent so he knows what i'm going to do next. He knew i was going to waver in my faith for the millionth time. Is this being patient with me? Not revealing himself to me in a way where I can be assured in my faith, sending mankind mixed messages through his Bible, causing all of this chaos and struggle to keep faith? 
 
I've always struggled with doubt following Christ. Many people do. But if he desires for all of us to repent, it would make sense if he did something that would help us to doubt less, and it would make sense if he sent mankind the same message. If someone wanted to follow God, and cried out to him, then he would give him a message that would be the same for everyone else who called to him. Not all of these contradicting ideas that have lead to wars and mass killings and discrimination.
 
Many Christians come to defense about this and say "It's our fault. We are the sinners. Look what we have done to the world. We cannot blame God for the state of this world. We're the ones misinterpreting God/the Bible." Um...God put the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil in the Garden for a reason. He knew they would eat the forbidden fruit, he knew about the fall of man, he knew all of this was going to happen. Even though he gave us free will, he is the inventor of all the possibilities of how a human can use and misuse his free will. He knew we were all gonna misinterpret his word that is supposed to be infallible and 100% accurate and true. We should definitely take responsibility for the things we do, but we can't forget that if the Christian God exists, then he allowed everything that is to be the way it is, even the really fucked up things. Like AIDS, and how no one has found a cure for AIDS but God could supply us with the cure for AIDS as a way to reveal himself to humanity and to bring more people to repentance, just like he desires as stated in 2 Peter 3:9. But instead he continues to allow AIDS to be a major epidemic in our world.
 
Let me share with you how Christianity is psychologically damaging. When I became a Christian earlier this year, my boyfriend was accepting and cool with it, even though he isn't a Christian. I started going to church and one week the pastor was speaking about marriage, and how it's not a good idea to be with an unbeliever. He even said it's "stupid" to dedicate your life to someone who doesn't base his life on the same Lord that you do. Another person there said most people who try dating an unbeliever just go down in their faith, and it's hard to leave a relationship like that but God will provide a way out.
 
It was really fucked up, because a lot of the people at the church know I am with a non Christian guy...and the pastor literally says it's "stupid" to bind yourself with an unbeliever. I even raised my hand and brought up a couple verses that suggest otherwise:
 
 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives (1 peter 5:1) 
 
If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to 
live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made 
holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her 
husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are 
holy. (1 Corinthians 7:13-14)
 
and the pastor was like "Well those verses were referring to a couple after they were already married, not just 2 people dating unmarried." In my head I'm thinking "That's his interpretation, yet he stated it like fact." Even though it specifically says wife in these passages, I feel like I am already married to my boyfriend. We live together, we have been for over a year now, and we are dedicated and in love with each other, alone. We live as if we are a married couple. We're just not ready to get legally married because that moment hasn't happened yet, and when we're ready, we'll definitely know. So it made sense to me that this verse could apply to that...but it's yet another biblical debate where people disagree on one verse because the Word of God is so clear in it's passages *sarcasm*.
 
Anyways, after the church meeting, I began to feel what I thought was a conviction of the Holy Spirit, telling me I should not be with this guy because he doesn't believe in the most important thing in my life; the Lord Jesus Christ. I felt guilty and cried in my church friends car, telling her about it, and she was like "God will provide a way out. Just ask God to lead you in what you're going to do." 
 
So here's what happened...this belief caused me to feel guilty for the way I was living, even though being with this man makes me happy and we're in a strong relationship. This belief caused me to feel like it was a sin if I drank and got a mild buzz, or if had pre martial sex, or if I said bad words, or whatever. And I translated it as if the Holy Spirit was convicting me to quit living this kind of life, but really, I was just feeling guilty because I was calling myself a Christian while only following pieces of the Bible. And that is how the majority of Americans who say they are Christians are.
 
The guilt drove me crazy. I'd ask God to bless our relationship and for him to get to know God. I look back and I feel kind of silly, praying for all of these people who are in the predicament I am now in; a state of disbelief in Christianity. It's kind of weird to pray to God to change how someone views the world, even though it was God himself who created him that way and allowed him to have those views in the first place. I feel kind of bad for when I was being like that. I could not tell if the guilt was from God, or if it was my own thoughts, or if it was because of what the people at church said. And the guilt was so heavy I didn't know what to do with it.
 
However, I came to my senses. I love this man and I still refused to follow through and leave the love of my life. A loving God would understand if I loved someone of a different belief/lifestyle/etc than me. If God made us in his image, then that means since we are all different, God has many faces. That's why there are so many different religions and spiritual paths. Different people all trying to make sense of why we're here. We're all telling similar stories with different deities. It all boils down to the fact that we started religion to try to make sense of why we're here, and over time, many different ideas have come into existence. 
So here's the real reason why I kept coming back to the church and leaving again:
 
Unclear Bible, lack of God's communication with humanity, questions that continue to go unanswered and God not helping me understand the things that cause me to doubt.
I felt as if I was living in my own head, because I would act and think as if I was a "new creation" but then I truly observed my way of living and it mostly remained the same.
Unfairness of God, how you go to hell if you don't believe in the right god, even though God allowed the existence of other religions in the first place. How can he expect us all to be the same? We're all different, so if we are God's image, he has many faces. Lack of room to be free, to be open minded, to consider other possibilities.
The psychological harm that Christianity has brought me. Feeling guilty for living in a way that goes against the Bible but does not cause harm to me or anyone around me. It literally made me feel trapped like I'm a sinner if I keep doing this, or keep living like this. 
 
And every time I came back to the Church, it was always because I was going through some kind of hardship, and I wanted to give Christianity another chance. It was nice, for a while. But then those questions would arise again, the psychological damage would occur again, I would live in my own head, while not having enough tangible proof/evidence of this god existing. 
 
I noticed every so called "experience" I had with Christ..they were all so subtle, anyone could interpret my experiences as either being from God, or a coincidence, or in my head, or a normal every day occurrence. For example when I prayed for Jesus to enter into my life when I first became a Christian earlier this year, the next day, a homeless man went through my line when I was working at a store. He told me to trust in Jesus. And that moment was intense, as if time froze, because it was like God answered my prayer, and the homeless man looked at me as if he was concerned for me or something. That moment was what first solidified my faith in Jesus (this time around).
 
Many things could have happened here. Either, it was God answering my prayer, or that guy said "trust in Jesus" to me but he would have said the same thing to another cashier in a different line. The homeless man maybe says that phrase to everyone he comes into contact with. Maybe I convinced myself it was God answering my prayer when really it was just a random guy who said that to me. Also, it could have been a message from the universe. When I prayed, I was crying for help because I felt helplessly out of control of my emotions. Since we are all interconnected and are all part of the universe, perhaps the energy I sent out brought something positive back to me. The guy told me to trust in Jesus, but it could have been the universe giving me a message to not lose hope. Anything is possible in this scenario. The point I'm making here is, since this situation can be interpreted in different ways, there isn't enough evidence to conclude that it was God (Jesus) answering my prayer. It could have been but I will never know.
 
Let's say it was an answered prayer. Why does God only choose to reveal himself to us so subtly, in situations like these? Whatever happened to Jesus healing the blind? I haven't seen anyone pray over a blind man and get his sight back. I haven't seen God do any of the miracles that Jesus performed.  It would be great if God would reveal himself to me in a way where I wouldn't question it, or think it was a coincidence, etc. 
 
Again, I know faith is important in Christianity, but it's to the extent where he does very little to reveal himself to us, and we have to keep faith regardless. I clung onto all of my experiences with God to help me not doubt, but I look back on them and there are so many possibilities as to what could have happened in those situations. The next day an asian lady handed me a pamphlet about Jesus. At first I thought it was God revealing himself to me again, but really, that lady hands pamphlets out to people all the time. It was nothing extraordinary, it wasn't a supreme act of God showing his existence to me through this person.
 
Subtle experiences are definitely not a bad thing, but it makes it difficult to keep faith when those experiences can be interpreted in different ways and there are possibilities of it just being an everyday occurrence, or a coincidence, or in my head. I'd like for God to do something a little bigger than that, something that wouldn't be open for interpretation. Example, I have been praying for my vocal chords because I have chronic voice hoarseness and I don't know why. Yet my voice hasn't improved at all. If God healed my vocal chords after I humbly prayed for healing, then it would be much easier to have faith in him because of how he made it clear to me that he responded to my call, and healed me.
 
I have a friend who doesn't believe, but one day she prayed and asked god that if he was real, to please show himself to her and let her know he's real. Well, nothing happened. If god desired everyone to come to repentance, wouldn't have he answered the prayer of my friend?
 
I'm trying to think of anything else to add here, but i think i've made my points. I'm still getting over this realization, and I'm still making the spiritual shift. I'm hesitating to tell my church friends how I don't want to go to church anymore, they have been so nice to me and care about me and miss seeing me at church. One of them even helped me practice driving and another one bought me a gift for my birthday. They've been so nice. I don't know how to bring myself to tell them the truth. I'm worried that it will cause a confrontation I don't want to deal with, and I know it will hurt their feelings and they will become concerned about my soul and my eternal fate. If you guys could leave comments on advice on how to confront my church friends about my departure from the church, that would be so helpful. 
 
It hurts, knowing I spent my time involved in the church and the Bible, when there are so many components I just don't agree with. Even if I would have stayed a Christian, I'd still be having pre-martial sex. I'd still believe that there's nothing sinful or evil about two gay people being together. I'd continue to devote myself to God, but only in the areas of my life that I feel comfortable devoting, and that line up with scriptures.
 
I can't continue to worship a God who is so confusing and unclear in the Bible. People tell me the Bible is clear, but really, it isn't. So many people have debates over controversial things in the Bible and can't come to a conclusion. Some churches think certain things are ok, while other churches don't think they're ok. And their reasons are the same, because they believe it is the will of God to think certain things are ok or not ok.
 
I could go on forever. In conclusion, the belief of Christianity and Jesus being Savior...it no longer adds up to me. So from here I will move on. Any advice on how to get through the pain of letting go of something that once meant so much to me...would be appreciated. It's hard to type about god without capitalizing his name because I got so used to doing that. This is not going to be easy, leaving the church and moving on.
 
From here, I still believe in some kind of higher power, but I do not want to subject myself to any kind of belief system that insists on only one god being the right god to believe in, or else you'll suffer in the afterlife. We're only human and there is only so much we can know. We don't know for a fact that the Christian heaven and hell exist, and we also don't know if any kind of heaven or hell exists. I don't want to base my life on a book that has been re translated over time. I don't want to try to be like Jesus even though God supposedly made me in his image to begin with. And I don't want to be fake...only devoting parts of my life to a god while acting like i've given it all to god.
 
fin
 
Let me add that I did tell my Christian friends on Facebook that I didn't want to go to small group. I told them "I don't want to go to church anymore. It's not you guys I just want to spend time with God on my own." One of them tried telling me that being around believers is important, and she was like "oh come on and join us, we can pray and get together, etc. We miss you!" And I just told her "My experience with going to this church was great, and I learned a lot. However, I want to read the bible and interpret it on my own. I feel like this is what God wants me to do."
 
That wasn't entirely true, but it's true enough. I want to interpret any kind of religious text without having to listen to a guy at a church do it. I didn't tell them I'm not a Christian anymore just because I would rather avoid the conversation that could start from admitting that. I've been avoiding going on Facebook because I feel kind of bad, and I shrink away when I realize I've hurt someone's feelings. These people did a lot of nice things for me, they seemed pretty genuine. And I can tell the girl I talked to is pretty bummed out about this. I told my other friend from church the same thing and she hasn't said a word to me since.
 
I'm just trying to do what's right for me, and it sucks because now it's bumming out all these people. I know they'll move on...this whole thing was so unexpected and sudden. One day I just started questioning if I truly believed in this. And I guess now I've found my answer.
 
I wrote a bunch of songs about Jesus that I can't even play anymore because if I did, then I wouldn't be singing from my heart. They don't mean much to me like they did and I feel like I've just let my whole church down. I played my songs at that church and they really liked them. I dont know...this sucks...
 
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Welcome to the forum.  Most of us experience pain when leaving Christianity.  I think that is the price of joining Christianity.  Once Christianity gets ahold of you it sinks these emotional hooks into you so that it will hurt when you pull them out.  So like kicking any other habit there will be some pain.  But it gets better after a while.

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I was a Christian for 40 years & I eventually became one of those brain dead bat shit crazy fundamentalists. A person has to have been completely brainwashed to get to that stage & I was. I was aware of all the inconsistencies & contradictions in scripture, in the teaching, beliefs, & traditions but ignored them until the day finally came when I couldn't do that anymore.

 

I turned to religious historians for answers. That proved to be my salvation (no pun intended) & the way back to sanity & reality. It took about 10 years of study & research before I could let go & walk away from religion.

 

Leaving religion is difficult due to the brainwashing & loss of social structure when a believer walks away. Leaving Is hard & painful & it often takes years to complete the journey. What you are experiencing now, sadly, is normal. This is a good place to be for those that are making that journey. Don't get discouraged with the passing of time it does get easier.

 

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Welcome, you are among friends that understand what you're going through.

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Welcome to Ex-c FlowerDemon! Thank you so much for sharing that sad and touching letter with us. I think I could relate to every paragraph that you wrote. We here on this site completely understand your letter. My 'testimony' was very much like yours. I came here and joined and was so totally confused  and depressed but I was so happy (and sad) to hear of the hundreds of people who had the same doubts as you and I. It feels so good to know you are not alone. This site helped me so much. Healing from this can take anywhere from a short time to a long time depending on the personality. I took a long time but many have the ability to find out the truth about christianity and let it go fairly easily. Everyone is different. Again, welcome...you have a found a 'home' where people understand. The gang on this board know the history of the bible better than any preacher because they have investigated.

 

Read as much as you can. Study the ex-timonies so you'll know that you are not alone. Post all your worries and concerns. Someone is always here to help you through. 

 

This was my testimony when I first joined almost 5 years ago. You will see that I came here with all the same questions.

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/page-1#.Vemui_lVhBc

 

 Big ((hug))

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Welcome to the site!

 

The "his ways are not our ways, and his thoughts are not our thoughts" argument is particularly despicable to me. It is to blatantly encourage credulity. We can't be expected to understand, so we should just believe.

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Welcome!  I wish your ocean was my great lake, I'd love to hang out with you.

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Thank you guys so much for your responses. It makes me happy to see so many people reply already, all who experienced the same kind of thing I did. This time around when I became a Christian last March, I was convinced that I was going to be a believer for the rest of my life. This honestly threw me off big time. It's crazy how I came to this realization. It was about a week ago. I was having a shitty day, and I went by the bay to be alone for a while. As I stared into the ripples in the water, I began to ask myself "Is this what I really believe? Does this make sense to me? Does that make sense to me? How do I feel about this in my heart?" And that lead me to write this essay, leave the church, join this site, and move on. Thank you once more for your support.

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Margee your testimony almost made me cry. It was deep and very well written. I could relate to it a lot.

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Margee your testimony almost made me cry. It was deep and very well written. I could relate to it a lot.

You hang in there hon. It's gonna be OK.

 

((hug))

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Thank you guys so much for your responses. It makes me happy to see so many people reply already, all who experienced the same kind of thing I did. This time around when I became a Christian last March, I was convinced that I was going to be a believer for the rest of my life. This honestly threw me off big time. It's crazy how I came to this realization. It was about a week ago. I was having a shitty day, and I went by the bay to be alone for a while. As I stared into the ripples in the water, I began to ask myself "Is this what I really believe? Does this make sense to me? Does that make sense to me? How do I feel about this in my heart?" And that lead me to write this essay, leave the church, join this site, and move on. Thank you once more for your support.

 

I remember one of the times I almost left the faith, wandering around the bible college I had attended and being completely unable to relate to it - did I actually attend here and did I really ever believe any of it? It was surreal, and yet I didn't leave Christianity for good that time, I went back and redoubled my efforts.  It was actually a serious illness that broke the last straw for me - the kind of thing that is always supposed to drive you back to 'god' and in fact one of my friends suggested that 'god' had given me this illness to 'get your attention.'  The farther away you get from it the more you see how truly insane it is.

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Thank you guys so much for your responses. It makes me happy to see so many people reply already, all who experienced the same kind of thing I did. This time around when I became a Christian last March, I was convinced that I was going to be a believer for the rest of my life. This honestly threw me off big time. It's crazy how I came to this realization. It was about a week ago. I was having a shitty day, and I went by the bay to be alone for a while. As I stared into the ripples in the water, I began to ask myself "Is this what I really believe? Does this make sense to me? Does that make sense to me? How do I feel about this in my heart?" And that lead me to write this essay, leave the church, join this site, and move on. Thank you once more for your support.

 

I remember one of the times I almost left the faith, wandering around the bible college I had attended and being completely unable to relate to it - did I actually attend here and did I really ever believe any of it? It was surreal, and yet I didn't leave Christianity for good that time, I went back and redoubled my efforts.  It was actually a serious illness that broke the last straw for me - the kind of thing that is always supposed to drive you back to 'god' and in fact one of my friends suggested that 'god' had given me this illness to 'get your attention.'  The farther away you get from it the more you see how truly insane it is.

 

It is insane, to say that God is causing you this illness to 'get your attention' AKA 'draw you closer to God.' Like a test of faith kind of thing. But I don't get why God needs to even test us like that, if we came to him sincerely, wanting to follow him in our hearts...why would he need to make you go through a shitty experience like that to strengthen your relationship with God? I never really understood that concept of the Lord testing our faith, if he already knows we are faithful then why does he want to test it to make sure? He's supposed to be omnipotent and all knowing. Why did he need to test Abraham by leading him to almost sacrifice his poor son, Issac? 

 

It's only been a week or so since I left the church and I'm already starting to see how insane it is. I read through my bible study journals and there were some things I wrote in there that literally don't make sense anymore. For a moment I couldn't even believe I wrote them. When I left the church, I asked my boyfriend honestly if I seemed brainwashed when I used to go. He said "Kind of. You went to church as if you were obligated to." And that's the thing, I did feel obligated to go because I believed it was where God wanted me to be going.

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Update: My church friend responded to me on facebook. She said

 

 "I'm not going to harass you or guilt you but please know I'm really sad. You are welcome in church or bible study just the way you are, and I will miss you. I'm still around and will be praying for you to figure out this spiritual journey. Jesus loves you so much!!!"

 

I'm very glad that she responded this way...honestly I was worried I was going to get pestered about it. But now that it's done and over with, I can move on with my life. It kind of sucks how these people are sad for me and don't want to hang out with me outside of the church, but you know, that's their loss. I did the right thing for myself and they might not understand. But I'm not here to please or impress other people. I gotta do what's right for me.

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Your independent thinking is a threat to Christians - hence they will either keep their distance or try to harangue you.  The former is generally far preferable.

 

Welcome, of course.

 

Why do you keep your old Bible study journals?  Ridding yourself of the literature and notes may prove cathartic.

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Your independent thinking is a threat to Christians - hence they will either keep their distance or try to harangue you. The former is generally far preferable.

 

Welcome, of course.

 

Why do you keep your old Bible study journals? Ridding yourself of the literature and notes may prove cathartic.

Good point...I dont know why I keep them, I wanted to look through them one more time before I throw them out. Maybe cuz I want to see how much I was brainwashed and how much of what I wrote doesn't add up anymore.

 

I also noticed how much I've been able to reconnect with my old friends since I quit going to church. I used to distance myself from my friends who were living a "wicked lifestyle", and I would pray for them and not hangout as much. Now that I don't go to church, I feel better about myself and free to hang out and connect with my friends again. I have a friend out of town and we were kind of distant until this point. Now that I'm not judging her for living a life away from Christ, it makes it easier and fun to chat again. It's nice to not worry about sinning by saying bad words or making dirty jokes either. I feel so free being allowed to do this stuff without believing that im offending God.

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I want to add something that has been making my de-conversion very painful and difficult.

 

Lacey Sturm used to be my hero. Her story about how Jesus saved her from deciding to commit suicide when she was 16, how god saved her and removed her desire to be dead, and how she became famous in a band and sang music that inspired a bunch of people...I used that as another evidence for god. I was like "Since god obviously played a role in Lacey's life, he must be real. He made her new, and was the driving reason behind all of her music in Flyleaf and now her solo music."

 

Flyleaf was the first live band I saw. They were also my first favorite rock band when I was in the 6th or 7th grade. It's really hard to depart from this belief in god, knowing that the same god made a positive impact in Lacey's life as she is now ministering with her husband and sharing her story with thousands of people.

 

It's one thing that almost makes me want to come back to god but I don't want to go back. There's so much I disagree with and I already expressed why Christianity just isn't the path for me. 

 

There was one part in Lacey's book "The Reason" where she talks about how she was so worried about people dying without knowing Jesus. She cried for days, desiring to save as many souls as she could, knowing that it was impossible. When I read that part it honestly sounded kind of painful for her to be in a state of sorrowful fear like that.

 

I don't know...she seems to be brainwashed but at the same time, she would have just killed herself if it wasn't for the encounter she had with god. I dont know...

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I want to add something that has been making my de-conversion very painful and difficult.

 

Lacey Sturm used to be my hero. Her story about how Jesus saved her from deciding to commit suicide when she was 16, how god saved her and removed her desire to be dead, and how she became famous in a band and sang music that inspired a bunch of people...I used that as another evidence for god. I was like "Since god obviously played a role in Lacey's life, he must be real. He made her new, and was the driving reason behind all of her music in Flyleaf and now her solo music."

 

Flyleaf was the first live band I saw. They were also my first favorite rock band when I was in the 6th or 7th grade. It's really hard to depart from this belief in god, knowing that the same god made a positive impact in Lacey's life as she is now ministering with her husband and sharing her story with thousands of people.

 

It's one thing that almost makes me want to come back to god but I don't want to go back. There's so much I disagree with and I already expressed why Christianity just isn't the path for me. 

 

There was one part in Lacey's book "The Reason" where she talks about how she was so worried about people dying without knowing Jesus. She cried for days, desiring to save as many souls as she could, knowing that it was impossible. When I read that part it honestly sounded kind of painful for her to be in a state of sorrowful fear like that.

 

I don't know...she seems to be brainwashed but at the same time, she would have just killed herself if it wasn't for the encounter she had with god. I dont know...

First of all, welcome to the site FlowerDemon :) I believe you will find great comfort in the community here.

 

Many of the people on this forum have been affected by the negative aspects of Christianity, but it is not all negative. Christianity can provide a great sense of hope and even help motivate people to make positive changes in their lives. Of course this holds no baring on its validity. For example, you could find hope in the love you believe someone has for you even if it turns out they were just using you. However, when you find that this is what they were doing, you will be worse off then before. This was the case with my 'testimony' where I had placed all of my value and meaning in life in my religion. When I learned that I could no longer believe in God, I also lost all of the hope I found in the faith and that was where the real damage was done. 

 

I believe Lacey genuinely found purpose in Christianity that helped her at a time when she needed it. She may even be better off with her faith then she would be without it. This is part of the reason why I personally wouldn't even care to try to make people question their beliefs as long as those beliefs aren't being used to oppress others. There is the problem previously mentioned when one turns to a source as suspect as this for meaning or inspiration; however, this will not be a problem as long as the believer never seriously doubts their faith. 

 

Despite the good that could result from a religious faith, I think it would be far better if we could find meaning and motivation for living "right" irrespective of the existence of a god. This would allow us to be able to critically examine all of our beliefs without having to fear subjecting ourselves to personal turmoil. And if we can do this then what purpose does religion serve?

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Very good point. Not all parts of Christianity are bad, but most people on this site have been affected by the negative parts. One thing I liked about Christianity was what it teaches about forgiveness. I have always been a forgiving person, but Christianity helped me realize that when you don't forgive someone, you are holding a grudge and you're not allowing yourself to heal. It gave me more reason to forgive people for their mistakes and flaws. It kind of depends on the situation though, but generally, it's good to forgive and forget when someone has done you wrong, because the truth is we all do people wrong sometimes. It's just what people do.

 

If I see someone like Lacey who is not using their faith to put people down or do anything negative, then by all means, I root them on. It definitely helped her and has been a huge motivator in her life. But that doesn't mean it can be the same for everyone on the planet. I've read about people's lives getting changed through Buddhism, Wicca, Atheism, etc. And their stories are similar in saying that their lives/outlook drastically changed and it made their life better than it was.

 

That's why I can't believe in one single religion. There is some good lessons to take out of Christianity, as well as other religions. Each religion has helped some people, but not all. People have their own ways of connecting to a Higher Power, because it's man's attempt to try to understand why we are here and what our purpose is. I think religion/spirituality is a beautiful thing when it is not used in any negative way. For Lacey, since it empowers her to be a happy, strong, passionate person, then by all means she should keep doing what she's doing. But I could say the same to someone who is a Buddhist, for example, and it changed their life in that way, also.

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People are helped by whatever appeals to their emotional/intuitive/whatever you want to call it side.

 

I remember reading a Muslim convert talking about how she had read the Koran and "it just made sense".  I've seen accounts of people who found a sense of purpose when they married or children appeared.  Some people have had their deep and meaningful experiences with psychedelic substances.  Others find their comfort in the rejection of anything "spiritual" and in living purely for the here and now.

 

There are as many paths and as many reactions as there are people.

 

If this person (never heard of her personally) found some meaning in Christianity that brought her out of the midden that her life had become, well for her.  If she assumes that the same religion will necessarily do the same for others, however, she is mistaken.

 

In other words - go your own way.  What worked for someone else is not necessarily for you.

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The idea that "souls" go to "Hades" for "judgement" or punishment is a very old, pre-Christian concept ... the Egyptians were writing about it thousands of years before "the Christ" ... Plato was writing about it hundreds of years earlier as well, and Christianity was undoubtedly influenced by him ... but of course a "soul" is a disembodied ghost so even if your "soul" was tortured by Yahweh's execution squad you wouldn't feel anything. The whole thing is totally mad. If Christianity had never existed and someone tried to invent it today, they would be classified as a dangerous cult with only a few followers. But because it's old it's respectable. 

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I gotta post this: I am so stoked my testimony is on the home page of ex-christian.net. I was surprised I didn't think it was gonna make it to the home page, so I posted it in here lol. I will say it again, it's nice to be in a community of people who understand what I'm going through, and this is helpful because it's not like I'm gonna make the adjustment to be comfortable not being a Christian overnight. Wonderful supportive people on this site! Thank you all for hearing me out and sharing your input!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi Demon!

 

Sorry I didn't read this sooner. Your paragraph about non-Christians doing good deeds hit home for me (we have an ancient version of IE at work, that doesn't let me use the quote feature...ugh)

 

anyway, that thought brought me up short a few times in my 30+ years as a bible thumper. One: I saw pictures of a Hindu man going around among the "untouchables" of his culture, feeding them and doctoring injuries, helping them in any way he could. He was doing what he could to help ease their sufferings, doing good, pouring out blessing on the most reviled segment of that society...and I don't care who you are THAT is good. How can that be "as filthy rags"? How in anyone's mind, can that  man be headed for eternal torment?

 

Two: I live in Utah, and have devout Mormons in my family, who are faithfully raising their children, serving the community, happily living peaceful lives and obeying their religion. Yet, because their beliefs differ from orthodox Xtianity, they are bound for hell? No way.

 

and yet, if no Hell, then why did Jesus die? The suffering of Jesus breaks the heart of a Christian, and if there is no hell, then there was no need for it.

 

*whimper*

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and yet, if no Hell, then why did Jesus die? The suffering of Jesus breaks the heart of a Christian, and if there is no hell, then there was no need for it.

 

Excellent point. As a Christian there were times where I wanted to believe in Jesus without believing in Hell, but that didn't make sense because Jesus himself spoke about Hell in the NT, confirming its existence in Christianity. All throughout the Bible it talks about the judgement you will bear after you die and whether or not you'll go to heaven. It's so hard to be a Christian and not believe in Hell. If you read about old Christian history, there was a time where some Christians actually believed in reincarnation. Im sure some of them still do, but it's rare nowadays. the whole doctrine of heaven and hell is what got more people to convert, through fear.

 

you can read more about how the bible has verses that seem to hint at reincarnation, and the history of christianity and reincarnation, here: http://www.near-death.com/reincarnation/history/early-christianity.html

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