Mychainsaregone Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Well...here I am. I am an ex-Christian. it is so strange to type out those words... If I were to sum up my faith-life in stages it would be like this: 0 - 5 years: depraved hell-bound heathen sinner 5 - 12 years: fundie Psalty/Gerbert/Carmen-loving turbo-pharisee saved as a result of saying the sinner's prayer with my father by my bedside. Member of tiny, independent, anti-intellectual cultish church made up of about 5 families. I had a penchant for telling people their sins and was known as the 'most spiritual' Christian at Sunday Schools and camps because I could ream off so much Scripture. Also known as the 'Jehovah's Witness' family in our neighbourhood because 1. we were not Catholics at that time and 2. we wore skirts, had long hair, didn't curse, drink, smoke, have piercings or tattoos and wouldn't go to the cinema or use the shop on Sundays. 13 - 16 years: awkward teenager desperate to fit in. No close friends in school as they were probably turned off by my awkward attempts to convert them so only friends were outside school in youth club/summer camps. Eventually tried to fit in with schoolmates by drinking heavily and kissing a few boys but felt a little miserable throughout. Ensue all night prayer and fasting in my church when they hear I'm 'backsliding' 16 - 18 years: dramatic re-commitment of my life to Christ. Get baptised, am re-embraced by church and family and re-claim my golden girl status. 18 - 21 years: Fall in love with a 'non Christian' - am shunned once again by church and family. Finally forced to break up with this guy so as not to be expelled from the church. Meet smart Christians who are more 'liberal' to my new lifestyle choices and who give me answers for when my faith is exposed to new ways of thinking at university. Leave home church VERRRRY slowly and join this new church to embrace new 'intellectual, grace-filled' Christianity and get involved with Christian union organisation. Am honest about my doubts for the first time and new church seem to be able to handle them. 21 - 23 years: work for Christian organisation. Suffer with depression as a result of trauma of leaving home church/disappointing family/break up/working as a missionary worker while not being sure what I believed in. 23 - 25 years: meet and marry lovely Christian man who seems comfortable with my doubts and my scars left behind as a result of my Christian upbringing. Had chosen his faith for himself but seems largely untainted by the repressive, self-righteous, judgmental version of faith that I had known. 25 - 29 years: work with another Christian organisation. Finally get help for my depression and in doing so, begin to open myself to other more positive ways of thinking about myself, about my life and the world. Gradually begin to see the bizarreness of the whole belief system and stopped trying to make sense of any of it. Although I had to keep working at the Christian organisation (and so, keep my mouth shut!), I finally stopped going to church. 30 (present): left the Christian organisation and am now unemployed, unchurched and apart from my husband and a few very close agnostic/atheist friends, I've not really told people about where I am at and it gets me down sometimes. My immediate family know I don't go often to church and my bitterness about all things Christian probably spills out from time to time to worried glances. I'm surprised I haven't been 'sat down' yet by my very scary, authoritarian Christian father who is also a pastor. How do I feel now? Well, the post 'I love the world' resonated with me and in some ways I feel so much more open and excited about the world, about people and about life. I also feel less/no guilt and feel free to make my life into what I want it to be. I take people at face value and enjoy them more because I'm not worrying about trying to convert them. I take credit for my own successes and hard work and am more forgiving of my shortcomings and mistakes. I enjoy simple things without overthinking them. That being said, I do feel angry sometimes, mainly at my father and at the terrible, autocratic, patriarchal Christian leadership I've experienced. But generally the Christians I have come into contact with were lovely, genuine people who were just afraid and deluded like I was. So I'm not interested in Christian-bashing or in evangelising anyone of religious persuasion right now. I believe faith is personal and I know the harm that forcing your point of view on someone else can do. I understandably find myself drifting from my loved one's points of view and often bite my tongue in conversations/social occasions which is alienating but I hope I can be honest with them in time when I have my thoughts together. My husband mostly knows where I stand and I know this is hard on him although he keeps his feelings on it to himself. I would consider myself agnostic and OK with that for the moment - I am not emotionally ready to start intellectual debate and research. I just want to breathe, be honest, maybe cry a little and recover from all that I've been through. I feel lonely in my head sometimes which is what led me here: to connect with others in the same situation and to remember that I'm not alone. When I look back, I feel sad for how I was brainwashed, controlled, manipulated and guilted into believing things that weren't true and that held me back from being who I really am and living the best life possible. But I'd like to start that now and hopefully my being honest about my story for the first time with the exChristian community can play a small part in that. Thanks for having me and for reading. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 What an amazing "extimony," mychainsaregone! Welcome to this site. There are a LOT of people who have gone through stages somewhat like yours and are at the stage you're at now. I'm glad you're out of the cult and that your husband is a reasonable person. Like you, I went from an extreme, non-intellectual brand of revivalism (Assemblies of God, so some differences) to more intellectual versions that seemed to be able to handle the contradictions in the faith. And like you, eventually I saw that their version too was unworkable. It is such a relief not to fight on the borderland between The Light and The Darkness all the time but just to try to be a human being. Do you have new ideas about a job/career now that you're out of a Christian job? All best, ficino Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Llwellyn Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story -- you are extremely courageous to speak honestly now under the circumstances -- especially with your father. I imagine that if you had a candid conversation with him, you would find that he is not quite as scary as you thought, and maybe you would see him with fresh eyes as the old, limited man that he is. I don't know enough about your life to make concrete recommendations, but perhaps it would be worthwhile to initiated that conversation yourself rather than dread the day he takes the initiative. It could change the dynamic of how that conversation would go? I'm glad to see that you've read some of the posts on this forum, and we hope that you will contribute to our community as well! Happy Sunday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bdp Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 I related so much to your falling for a non-Christian while still a believer - I went thriugh that myself, and it was a huge kickstart to my own deconversion. Would 'god' really be that petty to deny me that chance at true happiness and a deep, fulfilling relationship simply because the person in question didn't believe the 'right' things? And definitely relate to the anger at all the lost time and being led into bogus beliefs - in my case by people who maybe didn't always have just my own well being in mind, but fear of their own deity. Welcome - ancestors on both my mother's father's side of the family came from Ireland so I feel knidred wiht you on that score as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
disillusioned Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Great extimony. It isn't every day that I see a Psalty reference. *shudder* It's completely ok that you don't have everything figured out. I can only speak with surety for myself, but I think it's fairly safe to say that no one here really has it all figured out. One of the wonderful things about not being a Christian is that you don't have to pretend to anymore. On the outside we don't have an answer book. We pretty much just fumble along the best that we can. With respect to telling family and friends, that's a decision that is deeply personal and I don't think that there is a "one size fits all" solution. My family knows, but the decision to tell them was a long time in the making. Telling them has definitely put a strain on the relationships, but it was something that I needed to do. Still, I often find myself biting my tongue to ease the stress. You will need to make your own decision there eventually, but in the meantime just enjoy being free. I'm glad you're here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted September 13, 2015 Moderator Share Posted September 13, 2015 Well...here I am. I am an ex-Christian. it is so strange to type out those words... Thanks for having me and for reading. Welcome to Ex-c mychainsaregone. Thanks for sharing. Your story continues to confirm how screwed up one can become because of religion. Thank you so much for sharing this personal story. You stay here with us and continue posting all your thoughts and concerns. Not much shocks us anymore when it comes to what christianity can do to people.. Looking forward to hearing more from you!! You never have to be alone again in this! We've got your back hon! Continue to post all your worry and fears. Someone is always here for you. hug Sincerely, Margee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mychainsaregone Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 Wow, thank you so much for all of you for your kind, welcoming and considered replies. I will reply in more detail soon. So glad to have found ExC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlowerDemon Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 I can relate to your story. When I used to go to church, I was guilt tripped for being with a non believer, but I refused to leave him and i am still with him today. It's pretty messed up for religious people to have a problem with who you're dating just because it doesn't line up with an old book that has been re translated and re worded over time. My pastor said it's "stupid" to dedicate your life to a non believer when they don't love the same God that you do...he said that in a sermon one day. And I felt like the holy spirit was convicting me of how I was living in this sinful way, but really, it was guilt tripping me for being in love with a non believer. I am very sorry that you had that experience in being forced to break up with that guy. You were 18-21 years old and no one should have ever forced you to leave him, you had just become an adult in that moment of your life, and it frustrates me that people would have the nerve to break up a relationship that isn't even their own. I also relate to your statement in being able to take people at face value and not worrying about converting them. Ever since I left the church, I've gotten closer to my old friends I once distanced myself from because they aren't Christian. I was busy praying for them and wondered why they didn't understand the joy I experienced in Jesus. But now that I have deconverted, I totally understand why God wasn't answering my prayers when I asked for my friends and family to become believers. The Christian God doesn't make himself known to humanity like he claims he does in the bible. He did all those killings in the OT and all the miracle healings in the NT, but after that I guess he just got a little lazy. "When I look back, I feel sad for how I was brainwashed, controlled, manipulated and guilted into believing things that weren't true and that held me back from being who I really am and living the best life possible." <<I feel the same way, sister Welcome to ex-christian.net! We are glad you are here, and there are so many people here who know what you're going through. It's ok to cry and let the wounds mend, leaving a faith that once meant your whole life can be very saddening at first. We are here for support. Send me a PM or join me in the chatroom if you'd like to discuss anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dichotomy Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Welcome mychainsaregone. Glad to have you here. Your story resonates with me, apart from the very fundy early years, which luckily for me I didn't experience, we've had similar steps in our journey. I remember being at a similar stage to you, where just writing or saying "I'm not a Christian anymore" or "I don't believe" was both frightening and exciting, a huge relief but often followed by feelings of fear, uncertainty and anger. I was a little younger than you are now when I finally accepted I was an ex christian, and I had a good few years of angst and anger. Then I had some therapy, quite a lot really, to talk over all the abuse and learned behaviours and negative patterns of thought. I'm now in my early 30s and feeling much better. I hope that this is the beginning of finding your way in life without anyone else telling you what to do. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orbit Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Welcome! It will get better. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 Welcome. Take your time. Time to think, breathe and just be yourself. All else will fall into place in due course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mychainsaregone Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 What an amazing "extimony," mychainsaregone! Welcome to this site. There are a LOT of people who have gone through stages somewhat like yours and are at the stage you're at now. I'm glad you're out of the cult and that your husband is a reasonable person. Like you, I went from an extreme, non-intellectual brand of revivalism (Assemblies of God, so some differences) to more intellectual versions that seemed to be able to handle the contradictions in the faith. And like you, eventually I saw that their version too was unworkable. It is such a relief not to fight on the borderland between The Light and The Darkness all the time but just to try to be a human being. Do you have new ideas about a job/career now that you're out of a Christian job? All best, ficino Hey Ficino, thanks so much for your reply. Yes, relief is definitely one word I would associate with this whole process. Letting go of beliefs I so wanted to believe but having finally lost the energy to convince myself; realising there is beauty and goodness all around me in people and in the world that before was tainted by the 'us and them' mentality. Yes, I'm so thankful for my husband who instead of freaking out, judging me and reporting me to the church prayer chain, is simply being compassionate and a good listener. In terms of career, sometimes I do get nervous about having pigeon-holed myself into Christian NGO career track so I'm currently trying out something completely different and setting up my own business. I'm not earning yet but I hope things will pick up. I know so many people in ministry who lose their faith but are financially dependent on signing up to some doctrinal statement. I myself had to sign one and felt like a complete fraud, that's when I knew I had to quit! Thanks again for your welcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mychainsaregone Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story -- you are extremely courageous to speak honestly now under the circumstances -- especially with your father. I imagine that if you had a candid conversation with him, you would find that he is not quite as scary as you thought, and maybe you would see him with fresh eyes as the old, limited man that he is. I don't know enough about your life to make concrete recommendations, but perhaps it would be worthwhile to initiated that conversation yourself rather than dread the day he takes the initiative. It could change the dynamic of how that conversation would go? I'm glad to see that you've read some of the posts on this forum, and we hope that you will contribute to our community as well! Happy Sunday! Hi Llwellyn, that is a great suggestion that actually hadn't occurred to me, funnily enough! Certainly food for thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mychainsaregone Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 I related so much to your falling for a non-Christian while still a believer - I went thriugh that myself, and it was a huge kickstart to my own deconversion. Would 'god' really be that petty to deny me that chance at true happiness and a deep, fulfilling relationship simply because the person in question didn't believe the 'right' things? And definitely relate to the anger at all the lost time and being led into bogus beliefs - in my case by people who maybe didn't always have just my own well being in mind, but fear of their own deity. Welcome - ancestors on both my mother's father's side of the family came from Ireland so I feel knidred wiht you on that score as well. Thanks for the welcome Rationalist And yes, it helps me to feel more compassion for those who led me astray (ha I sound like a Christian) knowing that they were just doing what they genuinely believed was right. Sincere, but sincerely wrong as it were! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mychainsaregone Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Great extimony. It isn't every day that I see a Psalty reference. *shudder* It's completely ok that you don't have everything figured out. I can only speak with surety for myself, but I think it's fairly safe to say that no one here really has it all figured out. One of the wonderful things about not being a Christian is that you don't have to pretend to anymore. On the outside we don't have an answer book. We pretty much just fumble along the best that we can. With respect to telling family and friends, that's a decision that is deeply personal and I don't think that there is a "one size fits all" solution. My family knows, but the decision to tell them was a long time in the making. Telling them has definitely put a strain on the relationships, but it was something that I needed to do. Still, I often find myself biting my tongue to ease the stress. You will need to make your own decision there eventually, but in the meantime just enjoy being free. I'm glad you're here. Aw, thank you. Me too. 'Enjoy being free' is great advice that I certainly plan to follow! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mychainsaregone Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Well...here I am. I am an ex-Christian. it is so strange to type out those words... Thanks for having me and for reading. Welcome to Ex-c mychainsaregone. Thanks for sharing. Your story continues to confirm how screwed up one can become because of religion. Thank you so much for sharing this personal story. You stay here with us and continue posting all your thoughts and concerns. Not much shocks us anymore when it comes to what christianity can do to people.. Looking forward to hearing more from you!! You never have to be alone again in this! We've got your back hon! Continue to post all your worry and fears. Someone is always here for you. hug Sincerely, Margee Thanks Margee, what a warm welcome. Good to know there are people out there to talk to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mychainsaregone Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 I can relate to your story. When I used to go to church, I was guilt tripped for being with a non believer, but I refused to leave him and i am still with him today. It's pretty messed up for religious people to have a problem with who you're dating just because it doesn't line up with an old book that has been re translated and re worded over time. My pastor said it's "stupid" to dedicate your life to a non believer when they don't love the same God that you do...he said that in a sermon one day. And I felt like the holy spirit was convicting me of how I was living in this sinful way, but really, it was guilt tripping me for being in love with a non believer. I am very sorry that you had that experience in being forced to break up with that guy. You were 18-21 years old and no one should have ever forced you to leave him, you had just become an adult in that moment of your life, and it frustrates me that people would have the nerve to break up a relationship that isn't even their own. I also relate to your statement in being able to take people at face value and not worrying about converting them. Ever since I left the church, I've gotten closer to my old friends I once distanced myself from because they aren't Christian. I was busy praying for them and wondered why they didn't understand the joy I experienced in Jesus. But now that I have deconverted, I totally understand why God wasn't answering my prayers when I asked for my friends and family to become believers. The Christian God doesn't make himself known to humanity like he claims he does in the bible. He did all those killings in the OT and all the miracle healings in the NT, but after that I guess he just got a little lazy. "When I look back, I feel sad for how I was brainwashed, controlled, manipulated and guilted into believing things that weren't true and that held me back from being who I really am and living the best life possible." <<I feel the same way, sister Welcome to ex-christian.net! We are glad you are here, and there are so many people here who know what you're going through. It's ok to cry and let the wounds mend, leaving a faith that once meant your whole life can be very saddening at first. We are here for support. Send me a PM or join me in the chatroom if you'd like to discuss anything. Thanks Doubter, and for sharing a bit of your own story with me too. I love that you have got closer with old friends - I'm going through similar experiences...Feeling strange and alienated in the presence of Christian friends but so much freer with "non-Christian" friends. It's a weird experience but I'm so glad for second chances from friends who could so easily embarrass me with the cringey things I've said and done to them over the years but who welcome me back with open arms. And when I tell them about my deconversion, their palpable relief is amusing - it really does feel like a wall comes down between us! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mychainsaregone Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Welcome mychainsaregone. Glad to have you here. Your story resonates with me, apart from the very fundy early years, which luckily for me I didn't experience, we've had similar steps in our journey. I remember being at a similar stage to you, where just writing or saying "I'm not a Christian anymore" or "I don't believe" was both frightening and exciting, a huge relief but often followed by feelings of fear, uncertainty and anger. I was a little younger than you are now when I finally accepted I was an ex christian, and I had a good few years of angst and anger. Then I had some therapy, quite a lot really, to talk over all the abuse and learned behaviours and negative patterns of thought. I'm now in my early 30s and feeling much better. I hope that this is the beginning of finding your way in life without anyone else telling you what to do. Thank you Skeptic. I have thought about going for therapy myself because I have a lot of stuff to get off my chest. Money is an issue at the moment but I hope to work something out. It's always encouraging to hear from other people who have got through this experience and come out the other side a fully whole, healed and happy human being! That's reassuring for me to hear. I can't wait to get out the other side too. Thanks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mychainsaregone Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Welcome. Take your time. Time to think, breathe and just be yourself. All else will fall into place in due course. Thank you Apostate and I'm a Planet. It's good to hear from you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 What an amazing "extimony," mychainsaregone! Welcome to this site. There are a LOT of people who have gone through stages somewhat like yours and are at the stage you're at now. I'm glad you're out of the cult and that your husband is a reasonable person. Like you, I went from an extreme, non-intellectual brand of revivalism (Assemblies of God, so some differences) to more intellectual versions that seemed to be able to handle the contradictions in the faith. And like you, eventually I saw that their version too was unworkable. It is such a relief not to fight on the borderland between The Light and The Darkness all the time but just to try to be a human being. Do you have new ideas about a job/career now that you're out of a Christian job? All best, ficino Hey Ficino, thanks so much for your reply. Yes, relief is definitely one word I would associate with this whole process. Letting go of beliefs I so wanted to believe but having finally lost the energy to convince myself; realising there is beauty and goodness all around me in people and in the world that before was tainted by the 'us and them' mentality. Yes, I'm so thankful for my husband who instead of freaking out, judging me and reporting me to the church prayer chain, is simply being compassionate and a good listener. In terms of career, sometimes I do get nervous about having pigeon-holed myself into Christian NGO career track so I'm currently trying out something completely different and setting up my own business. I'm not earning yet but I hope things will pick up. I know so many people in ministry who lose their faith but are financially dependent on signing up to some doctrinal statement. I myself had to sign one and felt like a complete fraud, that's when I knew I had to quit! Thanks again for your welcome Sounds like a big but, I hope, exciting endeavor to set up your own business. If you were in NGOs, is there any career light in an NGO that's not religious? Hope to see you around, f Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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