Where I Am At As Of Today...

[ALackOfColor]

I apologize in advance for the long winded nature of this post. I've been lurking around the forums for days and have really been thinking about my process of leaving the Church, and I just really needed to get most of my thoughts out there. There is certainly a lot more that I am thinking about or have issues with, but this is the gist of it:

 

I didn't grow up in a particularly religious home. My mother brought my siblings to church but it was only for a few years of our lives and it was mostly to give us something to do. We took part in sunday school and Vacation Bible School, she even helped run VBS for a couple of years, but I really think it was because she just wanted to get us doing something, she has never come off as being religious, especially when she has always been a very liberal Democrat. That kind of thinking doesn't really scream "Evangelical Church Member" but it was the case for her for a while. We stopped going pretty abruptly when I was about 9 or 10. I didn't think much of it at the time, I was just happy to be sleeping in on a sunday. In my teen years, I asked her why we left the church, and she said she felt she was being judged for being a single mother. That makes sense, Christians can be pretty judgy.

My dad didn't play a role in my church life at all. The only times I remember going to church with him was if it was Christmas or Easter and my grandmother had us all go to her church. Other than that, I knew he was a pretty free thinking guy who doubted the existence of God, and was much more interested in music or science or astronomy.
I always had a really "sensitive spirit" though. I am not sure what I would call it now, maybe I am really "superstitious" (which, I don't think I am) but as a child, I would pick up my mom's Bible and read it in my room and get scared out of my mind. I was 8 or 9 years old reading about demons and hell and fire and I would just cry my eyes out because it scared the shit out of me. The turning point for me was at the age of 12. I had been going to the local youth group with my school friends and also a weekly Bible study for teens. I still look back at those days fondly, because it was fun! Sure, the sermon was usually boring, but the games were a lot of fun, there was snacks, and cute boys! So one night, at Bible Study Club, I raised my had during the altar call, prayed with a youth leader, and gave my life to Christ. Everything changed from there.

Several of my friends also were "Born again" but I was determined to be the "Real thing". I knew most of them would fall back into "sin" and I wanted to be legit. So I read the Bible, and memorized much of the new testament, I was a youth leader in my youth groups and bible clubs and decided to save my "purity" for marriage, etc etc. I had a great deal of church friends and people I considered my "church family" but on the flip side of that, my family was "secular" and so I was able to keep a good balance of church and "secular" friends in High School. I never wanted to be the kind of Christian who only talked to other Christians. I think that kind of mentaltiy, that the rest of the non-believeing world isn't "evil", is what eventually pulled me away from the Church.

I went to a Christian college after High School and made a great deal of amazing people. I participated in college choirs, prayer groups, student leadership, I volunteered at local youth groups and local missions projects. I worked for several summers at Christian camps and only dated Christians. When I was inside of that world, I felt so safe and comforted by the fact that I had a strong system of believers who supported me. But when I left school, everything pretty much changed.

I remember one defining moment that really made me question it all. A male friend of mine from college, who struggled with being gay most of his life and had previously been "saved" from it and dated women, came out on Facebook about a year after he graduated with a pastors degree. I watched as my schoolmates chastized him and told him he needed to repent. They shoved doctrine down his throat and I was honestly so sickened by the lack of compassion from my fellow "Brothers and Sisters in Christ". I remember I sent him a private message, basically telling him that no matter what he decided to do with his love life, I would still love and support him the way that Jesus does, and that his sexuality doesn't matter to me. He responded with so much thankfullness, finally somebody gave him a message of love. From that point, I really started to wonder if things were really as they seemed. I started to recall times in my own life when I saw my Christian peers say pretty horrible things. I remember them judging people based on how they dressed saying things like "She probably worships satan" because they had tattoos or piercings or wore all black. I remember one of my pastors asking me to give my testimony at a church camp when I was 19, and even though I had been going there since I was a teenager myself, and had been there 4 days already as a counselor, he found my eyebrow piercing "offensive" and wanted me to take it out before I gave my testimony. I thought that was just so weird. He said he didnt want any kids going home and telling their parents they wanted to get piercings. This was 2008. I was pretty sure most teenagers had seen much worse then a couple piercings. It just felt very backwards and now, looking back, there are so many things that are backwards about the Church.

When I moved away from school and back home and all of these new feelings started to surface, I started researching a lot. I eventually came to the conclusion that homosexuality isn't wrong, that abortion isn't "murder", etc etc. I started reading about the horrible things going on in the church and really debating if I wanted to be a part of a movement that stifle's women and teaches men that they are superior. I met a really great guy and later moved in with him (shocking! I know! How "Un-pure" of me!) and its been about 4 years now, and we are still living together out of wedlock, lol. In fact, the whole idea of "purity" really sickens me now, tbh. I find it to be just another way that the church keeps women from being independent. It teaches them that their only worth in the world comes from their bodies. It especially sickens me when it comes to modesty. The whole idea that women's clothing choices are the reason that men have lustful thoughts is just absurd. Anyway, I'm getting off track here...

There are a lot of things that I genuinely hate about the church. I do believe they brainwash people into being afraid of things. I do believe that they instill fear into people in order to keep them in line and I genuinely believe that the church is much more corrupt than society thinks it is. But my "De-conversion" has always been centered around the church, not so much around God. I do still believe that there is a God or gods or even goddesses. I do have my doubts about Jesus, however. But at the end of the day, I dont question whether or not there is a higher power, it's more of a question of if he really gives a rats ass what we are doing here on earth. So, I'm not an athiest. I guess I am a thiest or probably a deist. I can't believe that Christianity is the one true religion. I can't believe in my heart that God would only reveal himself to people in one way, and expect all other people in the world (who may have never heard of this God) to fall in line or suffer. I am honestly ashamed that at one point in my life, I did think that way. Those sort of ideals are the least compassionate thing I can think of. I'm not sure If I believe there is an afterlife or a hell or a heaven. I think those things don't matter. I think what matters is that we learn to live harmoniously with everyone in the world, and that we try to progress as a society towards total acceptance and equal rights for all ways of thinking.

That is where I am at as of today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

[mymistake]

Welcome to ex-C.  Sounds like you are figuring thing out.  Good for you.

[Margee]

 

That is where I am at as of today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

 

Welcome to Ex-c ALOC! Thank you so much for sharing this story! Oh how I (and we here on ex-c) understand where you are coming from! It's quite the journey once one start questioning everything that was taught by others.. including parents, teachers, etc. You are about to embark on a journey in finding a completely new world view for yourself. And only you can decide what that will be. I hope you stay here and post all your concerns. I asked the gang here hundreds of questions when I arrived on Ex-c and they all helped me so much. I would not be 'healed' today if it wasn't for the gang here. Deconverting was not easy for me. So, we are here for you!! It's so good to have you!! Keep reading, keep asking questions, keep studying and you will find your way back home  to yourself. Someone is always here most of the time when you need a little help. You sound like a real smart lady to me so I just know you will figure this all out! Sometimes it can be a bit of a bumpy road. It takes time to recover from brainwashing. And that's what religion is...brainwashing. Now, you will have the opportunity to take back your power and your own mind!! Best wishes hon!!

 

(hug)

[rjn]

Welcome to ex-C!

 

I'm also new here, but so far I feel this place has been very welcoming, so don't be afraid to ask any questions!

[Mythra]

Nice post, alackofcolor.   Make yourself at home here.

 

I see one of the first cracks in your foundation came as the result of empathy for a homosexual that was being pounded by holiness.  Good for you!

You chose love over doctrine.  Bravo. 

 

But breaking with the party line can be detrimental to faith.  One must march in lockstep with the others, you understand. 

[ALackOfColor]

Thanks everyone for the kind replies. It has been really quite amazing for the last few days to lurk around the forums and learn new things. I also read that 40 so odd page letter one of the members wrote to his parents, wow! It was really eye opening! Especially all of the stories about other "gods" who came before Jesus that had almost identical stories: The virgin birth, diciples, eucharist, crucifxion, raised from the dead, etc. I'm lucky that I don't have religious parents or family that would need to see that letter, but I do intend to share it with old religious friends who may question why I have left the faith.

 

@Mythra-To me, choosing love over doctrine should be the doctrine to begin with! lol... But yea, those kinds of bigoted comments really are what set me off and onto a new path. I am honestly very glad that it happened. Not that I am glad he was attacked for his sexuality, but more I am glad I saw the hatred being spewed at him and decided to stand up for him. Pretty much right after that I started to read articles about the verses in the Bible that mention homosexuality, and how they have been interpreted or translated incorrectly. That really changed for things for me. I guess that was the straw that broke the camel's back!

 

Anyway, excited to be here!

[Guest realchild]

I apologize in advance for the long winded nature of this post. I've been lurking around the forums for days and have really been thinking about my process of leaving the Church, and I just really needed to get most of my thoughts out there. There is certainly a lot more that I am thinking about or have issues with, but this is the gist of it:

 

I didn't grow up in a particularly religious home. My mother brought my siblings to church but it was only for a few years of our lives and it was mostly to give us something to do. We took part in sunday school and Vacation Bible School, she even helped run VBS for a couple of years, but I really think it was because she just wanted to get us doing something, she has never come off as being religious, especially when she has always been a very liberal Democrat. That kind of thinking doesn't really scream "Evangelical Church Member" but it was the case for her for a while. We stopped going pretty abruptly when I was about 9 or 10. I didn't think much of it at the time, I was just happy to be sleeping in on a sunday. In my teen years, I asked her why we left the church, and she said she felt she was being judged for being a single mother. That makes sense, Christians can be pretty judgy.

My dad didn't play a role in my church life at all. The only times I remember going to church with him was if it was Christmas or Easter and my grandmother had us all go to her church. Other than that, I knew he was a pretty free thinking guy who doubted the existence of God, and was much more interested in music or science or astronomy.

I always had a really "sensitive spirit" though. I am not sure what I would call it now, maybe I am really "superstitious" (which, I don't think I am) but as a child, I would pick up my mom's Bible and read it in my room and get scared out of my mind. I was 8 or 9 years old reading about demons and hell and fire and I would just cry my eyes out because it scared the shit out of me. The turning point for me was at the age of 12. I had been going to the local youth group with my school friends and also a weekly Bible study for teens. I still look back at those days fondly, because it was fun! Sure, the sermon was usually boring, but the games were a lot of fun, there was snacks, and cute boys! So one night, at Bible Study Club, I raised my had during the altar call, prayed with a youth leader, and gave my life to Christ. Everything changed from there.

Several of my friends also were "Born again" but I was determined to be the "Real thing". I knew most of them would fall back into "sin" and I wanted to be legit. So I read the Bible, and memorized much of the new testament, I was a youth leader in my youth groups and bible clubs and decided to save my "purity" for marriage, etc etc. I had a great deal of church friends and people I considered my "church family" but on the flip side of that, my family was "secular" and so I was able to keep a good balance of church and "secular" friends in High School. I never wanted to be the kind of Christian who only talked to other Christians. I think that kind of mentaltiy, that the rest of the non-believeing world isn't "evil", is what eventually pulled me away from the Church.

I went to a Christian college after High School and made a great deal of amazing people. I participated in college choirs, prayer groups, student leadership, I volunteered at local youth groups and local missions projects. I worked for several summers at Christian camps and only dated Christians. When I was inside of that world, I felt so safe and comforted by the fact that I had a strong system of believers who supported me. But when I left school, everything pretty much changed.

I remember one defining moment that really made me question it all. A male friend of mine from college, who struggled with being gay most of his life and had previously been "saved" from it and dated women, came out on Facebook about a year after he graduated with a pastors degree. I watched as my schoolmates chastized him and told him he needed to repent. They shoved doctrine down his throat and I was honestly so sickened by the lack of compassion from my fellow "Brothers and Sisters in Christ". I remember I sent him a private message, basically telling him that no matter what he decided to do with his love life, I would still love and support him the way that Jesus does, and that his sexuality doesn't matter to me. He responded with so much thankfullness, finally somebody gave him a message of love. From that point, I really started to wonder if things were really as they seemed. I started to recall times in my own life when I saw my Christian peers say pretty horrible things. I remember them judging people based on how they dressed saying things like "She probably worships satan" because they had tattoos or piercings or wore all black. I remember one of my pastors asking me to give my testimony at a church camp when I was 19, and even though I had been going there since I was a teenager myself, and had been there 4 days already as a counselor, he found my eyebrow piercing "offensive" and wanted me to take it out before I gave my testimony. I thought that was just so weird. He said he didnt want any kids going home and telling their parents they wanted to get piercings. This was 2008. I was pretty sure most teenagers had seen much worse then a couple piercings. It just felt very backwards and now, looking back, there are so many things that are backwards about the Church.

When I moved away from school and back home and all of these new feelings started to surface, I started researching a lot. I eventually came to the conclusion that homosexuality isn't wrong, that abortion isn't "murder", etc etc. I started reading about the horrible things going on in the church and really debating if I wanted to be a part of a movement that stifle's women and teaches men that they are superior. I met a really great guy and later moved in with him (shocking! I know! How "Un-pure" of me!) and its been about 4 years now, and we are still living together out of wedlock, lol. In fact, the whole idea of "purity" really sickens me now, tbh. I find it to be just another way that the church keeps women from being independent. It teaches them that their only worth in the world comes from their bodies. It especially sickens me when it comes to modesty. The whole idea that women's clothing choices are the reason that men have lustful thoughts is just absurd. Anyway, I'm getting off track here...

There are a lot of things that I genuinely hate about the church. I do believe they brainwash people into being afraid of things. I do believe that they instill fear into people in order to keep them in line and I genuinely believe that the church is much more corrupt than society thinks it is. But my "De-conversion" has always been centered around the church, not so much around God. I do still believe that there is a God or gods or even goddesses. I do have my doubts about Jesus, however. But at the end of the day, I dont question whether or not there is a higher power, it's more of a question of if he really gives a rats ass what we are doing here on earth. So, I'm not an athiest. I guess I am a thiest or probably a deist. I can't believe that Christianity is the one true religion. I can't believe in my heart that God would only reveal himself to people in one way, and expect all other people in the world (who may have never heard of this God) to fall in line or suffer. I am honestly ashamed that at one point in my life, I did think that way. Those sort of ideals are the least compassionate thing I can think of. I'm not sure If I believe there is an afterlife or a hell or a heaven. I think those things don't matter. I think what matters is that we learn to live harmoniously with everyone in the world, and that we try to progress as a society towards total acceptance and equal rights for all ways of thinking.

That is where I am at as of today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Owww.

[disillusioned]

Welcome, and thanks for sharing your story .