dichotomy Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 I'm not in a good place at the moment. This has been made exceptionally clear to me by the fact that I'm currently listening to an old favourite xtian song on you tube, on repeat. The song was one that used to help when I was feeling like shit, it would both feed into the depravity and self loathing, and bring some kind of relief and hope..... Except now, of course, it only does the former and the latter is replaced with a sense of grief and utter emptiness. I don't even want a fucking stupid god, I just want something, *anything* to fill the void and take away the endless thoughts and urges to die. I hate my reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mythra Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 Ahh. That sounds like an awful place to be. Something in particular happen that brought it on, or do you struggle with depression often? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Sorry to hear that. It gets better in time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sdelsolray Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 When I get down, it helps to visit or do something that is simple, non-controversial and safe. For example, playing a guitar, reading a good fiction book or working with the earth in the garden are examples that help me. You have an interest in photography. Perhaps a trip to a special place to take photographs of nature, architecture or the stars in the sky (at night) would help you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffodil Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that way. Have you seen a doctor about this, especially if you're having suicidal thoughts? Medication has helped me tremendously, but I know it is different for everyone. I also feel better after going for a walk - the fresh air and exercise do me good. Please get some help if you haven't already. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dichotomy Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Thanks everyone. I don't think I'm depressed, I just have constant drama in my life and difficult circumstances that make living hard. I do suffer with suicidal thoughts and have done on and off for years. I was on medication for a couple of years but came off in Feb and really don't want to go back on them again. I've been doing lots of the things you've suggested, walking, fresh air, being creative etc. And it does help a little. I feel like I can enjoy moments, just that I don't feel okay in myself much at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dichotomy Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 Ahh. That sounds like an awful place to be. Something in particular happen that brought it on, or do you struggle with depression often? Mostly the former, but this way of thinking isn't unusual for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I don't know what to say to help. Just know that I feel for you, and I want you to feel better. I hope that's better than nothing. Switch your youtube to something obnoxious and irrelevant. How about AC/DC, You Shook Me All Night Long. You know, bang your head and be stupid for a minute. I also like the atheistic anthem by Bon Jovi, It's My Life, a fun little video. "This here's a song for the broken-hearted..." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
directionless Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 The only thing that makes me feel content and o.k. with myself is exercise. If I walk for 1 hour, then it is no help, but if I walk for 3 hours, then it makes me feel better. Usually I ride an exercise bike for 1 hour, because I can't afford to devote 3 hours to a walk (and it makes me very tired and sore). Basically when you reach the point where you feel like its easy and you could keep going forever, then you know you have gone long enough. Bicycling is more intense than walking, so it works faster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blindsighted Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I'm sorry you're down. I can't stomach Christian music anymore, but I have a few go to secular songs that I play on repeat when I need comfort. Maybe you could find an alternative. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burny Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I do understand where you're coming from, but think about it. Death will come soon enough all on its own. Might as well get out and enjoy a few things first right? What is there to lose? Hang in there! There is light at the end of the tunnel - hopefully not an oncoming train... In all seriousness, I hope you feel better soon. And FYI, I'm pretty darn sure you are suffering from depression, maybe it's never been diagnosed? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dichotomy Posted November 26, 2015 Author Share Posted November 26, 2015 Thanks all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted November 27, 2015 Moderator Share Posted November 27, 2015 I'm not in a good place at the moment. This has been made exceptionally clear to me by the fact that I'm currently listening to an old favourite xtian song on you tube, on repeat. The song was one that used to help when I was feeling like shit, it would both feed into the depravity and self loathing, and bring some kind of relief and hope..... Except now, of course, it only does the former and the latter is replaced with a sense of grief and utter emptiness. I don't even want a fucking stupid god, I just want something, *anything* to fill the void and take away the endless thoughts and urges to die. I hate my reality. Hi sweetie. I hope you are feeling a little better today. Life can certainly have it's dark days. It took me a long time to deconvert and get back to a somewhat 'normal' life. Try filling that void up with some outside activities (as was already suggested) and get a great new hobby started. Something you love. I used to love decorating and I stopped for the past 5 years but I'm back into it and it feels great along with blasting my favorite tunes. Watch and read everything that is positive. Stay away from all the bad news as much as you can. I had to turn my TV off for awhile and watch all funny shows. I really hope you feel better soon hon. Big (((hug)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dichotomy Posted November 28, 2015 Author Share Posted November 28, 2015 I am feeling a bit better today thanks Margee, less despairingly nihilistic. But I've come to the conclusion that I need to have a hard conversation with my husband about possibly separating, or at the very least going to couple's therapy to see if we should separate or can work things out and stay together. I think that the mix of the seasonable (I live in North west UK and it's been raining most of Autumn, and dark from 5pm -8.30am since beginning of Oct) alongside most people being cheery and making plans for Christmas is making all my normal problems more acute. My partner's bi-polar has been very difficult to manage the past few months and it's affecting my MH and I just don't know if I can continue as things are. In fact I know I can't. I've been too close to the edge too many times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 Oh no... dealing with someone else's bipolar is no small thing. I can see why you feel the need to get out of there. That's a tough one. As for the other people getting all giddy about prepping for Christmas. First of all, I feel so free that I do not have to waste time digging out and putting up decorations that I then have to begrudgingly take back down and store carefully away in January. So happy to be done with that! Instead of wasting time climbing on the roof to put up lights, I'm enjoying cleaning up my garden, putting down mulch, puttering around outside on stuff that really needs to be done. Plus, I don't have to worry too much about gifts and stuff; we still do gifts as a cultural tradition, but it feels somehow less forced now. And I don't have to worry about crap like "Jesus is the reason for the season." Screw that. Give gifts because it's fun -- plain old consumerism. We also like to look up stuff about winter solstice celebrations. Since you're in the UK, you're kind of in the heart of all that tradition. So maybe you can look forward to celebrating that day, as the day that the dreadful short days of winter finally begin to turn around and get longer. Candles and yule logs and such predate Christmas, so consider those if you feel the need for holiday busy work. You might want to look up some remedies for seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Special light bulbs, extra vitamin D, who knows. Anything is better than nothing. I think counseling is a good idea. It would be helpful to get an outsider's opinion. It may or may not help the marriage, but may also lead you in other directions for your mental health and for your husband dealing with his issues. Seeing a professional may be a good starting point, and see where he/she leads you next. One other bit of advice. Consider a sunny vacation in the dead of winter. Last year we spent Christmas on a cruise in the Bahamas, St. Martin, and Puerto Rico. This January we are cruising to some Mayan ruins and islands on the western side of the Caribbean. That is not exactly practical for you from the UK, but perhaps you can travel south a bit. We have found that vacationing this time of year is cheaper because of lower demand, plus most kids are in school -- cheaper and quieter vacations for us. (A benefit of homeschooling!) Getting some warmth, natural vitamin D, and extra doses of sunshine really make a difference, even if it's only for one little week in the midst of the bleak. I'm sorry you're struggling. I've been in similar straits, and it sucks. I hope you find some comfort soon. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlowerDemon Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 I see a counselor every 2 weeks and that has helped me a lot. I struggle with anxiety, social and general, and have a history of depression and suicidal ideation. Definitely see a doctor, and look into seeing a counselor. They don't always help but it makes a difference. For me it's nice to talk to someone who doesn't have a bias of me, and who has studied a lot about psychology and whatnot, so the advice they give is pretty helpful. Even if it isn't very helpful, it still feels good to get it off your chest. Medication doesn't work for everybody but I would encourage you to give it a try. A lot of people hate the idea of medication cuz they're like "I don't need to take a pill to make me happy!" That's not how it works. Medication isn't like a magical pill that takes away all of your issues. It aids you. If you have a chemical imbalance in your brain (which you probably do since you've dealt with suicidal thoughts and depression), then medication can make it easier to cope with. Some people seriously need medication, but like I said it's not for everybody. I know you said you've been on meds before but that was a while ago. I took Prozac a few years ago, and then I tried to take it again and it no longer helped. So chances are you'll probably need to take something different than you did last time. You know we all have your back and we're all here if you ever want to talk. My suggestion is to fill that "void" with tangible, real, things...like a hobby of some sort. I like to write, read, play guitar, go on walks, and hang out with friends, pretty much. Indulge in your interests/hobbies. Also make your life so you're always having something to look forward to. Make plans to go out to coffee with some friends, or make plans to go on a hike, or whatever. If you have something to look forward to, it makes a huge difference. I hope this helps UPDATE: i forgot to mention, healthy diet, regular exercise, and good night's sleep can make a HUGE difference with how you're feeling mentally. you could do something as small as take a walk around the neighborhood. for me, i'm on a budget so i have moments where i don't eat super healthy food. for example, if i'm having a cup of ramen or something, i'll have a banana or some celery sticks with it. incorporating fruits and veggies into your diet while (mostly) eliminating junk food and sweets, makes a difference. even eating moderately healthy is enough to notice a change. try to get enough sleep every night, at least 7 hours. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 I hope you're feeling better today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dichotomy Posted December 3, 2015 Author Share Posted December 3, 2015 Yes I've been feeling much better since the weekend. I know it seems like it but I'm really not depressed, just crap life circumstances get me down, and for some reason it was particularly bad for about 3 weeks. I chatted over all the above with a couple of real life friends and they were worried about me because I was struggling emotionally but neither seemed overly concerned. I think they're accustomed to my thought cycles. Have been exercising and getting out as much as possible which definitely helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 That's nice to hear! It sounds like you are mentally healthy enough to work on getting better, which will hopefully end this cycle you're stuck in. If you were not self-aware and paralyzed to do anything, I'd be very concerned. Talking to real life friends -- good call. Getting out and exercising -- also good to hear. Sometimes things just converge and become overwhelming. Throw in hormone cycles, sleep disruption, shorter days with less sunlight, an emotional crisis, a financial set back or two or three, and on and on ... and we can't help but get in a funk. I hope it helps to know that I'm rooting for you! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dichotomy Posted December 4, 2015 Author Share Posted December 4, 2015 Yes, it just gets overwhelming. And I have been thinking about hormones too, I may track my mood cycle to see if there's any correlation! :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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