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Goodbye Jesus

Along For The Ride...


aboveandbeyond

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Just wanted to first point out that this is my first post and like many new members here, I have been a long time follower. I am very lucky to have stumbled across this site. Quality stuff here. 

 

The holiday season here fortunately, or more like unfortunately in my case. Like many families in the US, my family will be coming together to spend time with each other. In the past, the holidays were something I would look forward to. However, recently, a new person has come into my life which I will be marrying in a few months and my fiancé has changed my life and my family life has changed too.

 

Growing up in a small Christian family, life was very good. Simple but enjoyable. However, something was always missing internally for me. Something bigger or greater was desired. While things have changed as new members have joined our family whether by marriage or birth, expectations have not changed.  Expectations of Church, family first, me coming over all the time, helping out in mundane chores are still expected by some if not all of my family. To the point where it has limited my growth and opportunities.

 

During this time, with furthering my education and opening of the mind to complex reasoning, doubt assumed my life. My future partner being an Agnostic has assisted with the deconversion by first asking the simple questions which I attempted to answer soon realizing the silly stuff coming out of my mouth. It got me thinking. The turning point for me was the exodus, or lack thereof, Noah’s myth, and Matthew 5:18. If there is a God, he must take a lot of vacations. Pain and Suffering is tough to explain away. 

 

The balance has been difficult. I have another family in my life now who is more supportive than mine, demanding job, living further away and instead of church, I have found different focuses of fulfillment. Church makes me really uncomfortable knowing what I know now and hearing the pastor mislead whether knowingly or unknowingly. I feel like I am in a room of bots. However, all of that doesn’t matter to my family. I have changed to them and I can’t disagree. I know I have changed. 

 

(Side note – apologies for being vague, trying to keep it brief)

 

My family has not been welcoming to my fiancé and they fail to recognize it. My fiancé is viewed as different, bystander, who has now moved on and disconnected. There has been little consideration for my fiancé’s wishes by my family during all of this. My parents deal with the engagement and accept it to their best ability since they have to be neutral as much as possible but my fiancé comes from a different background (very social, higher wealth, proper and formal and land of opportunities) and they have a tough time wrapping their head around it. I think there is a bit of insecurity, jealousy, loss of sibling/child which has led to a lack of investment into me and my relationship by my family.  I think they know now she’s agnostic. My fiancé not what they imaged I would end up with…I think they know this deep down. They live a simple quiet life, few friends and all they have is to focus is on family. Which is a great thing.

 

It has come to the point that I have detached a bit from my family. I try to stick up for myself and us and I come across as heartless, soulless, and narcissistic. But it is pointless and fruitfulness in the end. They fail to recognize the miss treatment and lack consideration of my love since they are so use to having only me. They haven’t seen this side of me probably because I was always a “whipping boy” and never pushed back. They don’t respect our life choices, view it as shallow and demanding conformity to their life. A lot of this would be so different if there was less judgment and acceptance.

 

Now I am at the cross roads, I have opened up about my doubts (more like being a deist-agnostic and probably bad timing) and obviously that didn’t go well. It has come to the point that I have to “choose” which life style I want and whether putting their family first, although we do not feel welcomed or respected. I feel if that were to happen, I would be digressing to my childhood years and submit to their total control. Yes, it is easy to say I am rebelling to a point here.

 

Currently, I am just lost on how to proceed. 

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Welcome A&B.  You are an adult now.  You can and should build your own life.  If your old family is making life hard on you then you have every right to distance yourself for as long as you wish.

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Welcome. It's hard when your family doesn't like your partner and won't let you grow to be yourself

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Hi A&B.  Welcome to ex-c.

 

I don't believe you are lost with regards to how to proceed.  There are times in our lives when a choice isn't really a choice.  You know you can't go backwards.  The choice is up to your family.  If they will only love you if you meet all of their expectations - then that's a choice they make.

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Don't know if you and your fiance are same-sex?  Just curious, because you used the term "partner".  If I'm off-base here, my bad.  

 

My son is gay.  And although it was a shock when I found out, I got over it.  Because I love my son.  Luckily religion was no longer a factor in accepting him as he is.  About a year ago he and his partner got married.  I won't lie and say the wedding didn't feel a little strange to me, but it was actually a touching ceremony and a happy time.  I still have a good relationship with my son, who is a great guy.  

 

If your difficulties are just about religion, then your family is WAY too religious.  

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Welcome, and good luck with working things out for yourself.  When you get engaged and married, your partner becomes your main family.  Put your fiance first and work out ways together that make the two of you happy.  Family can choose to accept your choices or not.

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Welcome to Ex-c  AB. Thanks for sharing your story with us. We can relate to a lot of the dilemma you are in. Keep posting and reading and you will get stronger and stronger in how you should work this situation.  So glad to have you here with us. Keep us posted on how it's going?

 

(hug)

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Hi A&B,

 

Follow your intuition. It's led you to this point. You can't live your life to please others. Do what's right for you.

 

I would highly recommend psychologist, Dr. Marlene Winell's book: "Leaving the Fold: A guide for former fundamentalists and others leaving their religion." I'm reading it now and I'm finding it really helpful.

 

All the best,

 

Jennifer

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