Jump to content
Goodbye Jesus

Down And Out


knightcore

Recommended Posts

This is my first time posting here, and I have noticed that a lot of people have hung around a lot before posting but I would really like to get things off of my chest. I haven't had a community of people who really fully understand where I'm coming from on a lot of issues. Especially because my nearest and dearest friends aren't from christian backgrounds. But I feel like maybe some of you guys will get it.

 

I grew up in a very strongly Christian family, my dad was a Catholic gone Baptist and my mom converted when she was in high school and it changed her life. They're both radical Christians and I respect them for their faith but I feel at the same time it set me up for failure when it came to my own.

 

We we a mission family, very very lowkey mission family. I have lived and visited places from Germany to Malaysia. In the words of Columbo, "It's a blessing. And a curse." I didn't have any kind of stable home for most of my childhood. We moved within every two years my whole life until I was 13, and we settled in the middle east. I absolutely hated it and I think that's really when things were soured for me. How could god rip me away from a place we were doing so well?

 

I got over it eventually, despite still hating it. We had lived there five years before things went bad again. And they really, really went bad. Suddenly everyone who had supported my dad and my family turned against us entirely. We had very few friends, even after everything was cleared up. Everything was in pieces, we had to come back to America to a church that didn't know how to help ease us back into living state-side. Once again I was left questioning everything, but this time I realized something I was almost afraid to admit. I really, truly hated god. If he was there, and he really only gives us what we can bear, why did he completely break my dad? Why did he ruin my family? Why were the only people who helped me non-christians?

 

I was seeing a therapist around this time (a christian therapist provided, of course), I talked to her about this very hesitantly because my parents were also seeing her. However she did keep it from them. And a couple months later I announced I didn't want to go to church anymore. Around this time I was pushing myself to finish high school through an alternative school and I was dealing with a lot. My mom and dad were crushed. My mom hated me for a while, because I didn't tell her before my dad broke the news to her (I told him first in an outburst), and my dad couldn't even talk to me anymore. About anything. They tried to keep it from my siblings but eventually gathered the three of them and broke it to them that I had strayed from the church.

 

I got shit from my younger brother and sister, and my youngest brother didn't really understand and he just asks every now and then why I never attend church with them.

 

It was easier after I left for college, but I was still adjusting to being back in America. It's been three years since we've been back, and I'm still adjusting. I lost all of my missionary friends, and when I tried to talk to some of them again the conversations fell apart because we didn't have anything in common anymore, or in one case a girl tried to convert me back.

 

I don't really know how to express my pain because it wasn't just losing my christian community, it was losing my overseas community as well. All the choices I have made have distanced me from it.

 

Another aspect in all this, is I'm a gay, trans male who is working on coming out (for clarification, I am """"""biologically"""""" female, but I am male and use he/him pronouns and I am interested in other men). I am not out to my family or anyone who is from my former overseas life in any capacity. I was able to move out of my parents house earlier this year and I'm living with friends who I'm out to. I even go to a small, local LGBT church sometimes for a sense of some community, but it's really not what I need. I know that when I come out to my family, I'll be completely severing myself from my past life. They will not take it well. They were upset because one of my housemates is a lesbian and the other is her single brother and cut off support when I insisted on moving. They're not going to handle this any better. I repressed myself for years because I was afraid and I have hated myself without even really knowing why since I started puberty.

 

I hate god. I hate him for putting me in a position where I have to distance myself from my family, I hate him for turning my dad into someone I hate, I hate his people for hurting my family almost beyond repair, I hate him for putting me in this body, and I hate him plain and simple. I have spent the past three years trying to repair the damage. I'm so tired of people telling me that I just need to give myself over to him. Why the fuck would I do that after what he did to me?

 

Anyways, that's the short (haha very short) version of my journey. It's still ongoing, but I never intend on turning back. The only way I would ever is if it was a Jonah situation and I got tossed into a whale and spat out. Then I'd just get it over with.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome Knightcore!  Nice to have you with us.  Sorry to hear your family kind of sucks.  Time to move forward and make a new life for yourself.  If your old family doesn't want to be part of that then that is their problem.   

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry your family isn't able to help or support you. That is tough.

Welcome. Stick around. You'll find some good supportive people.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Knightcore,

 

I really feel for you. My own childhood was desperately fragmented too. And I understand about growing up a preacher's kid in a crazy Pentecostal church. I so understand living in different parts of the world as well and not belonging anywhere. I understand about living with self-loathing that's encouraged by the bible. I know what it's like to live in perpetual fear and condemnation - because that's how religion is able to brainwash people. I know what it's like to live with depression and anxiety.  It's taken me almost 60 years to break free and claim my brain back. Like Whitney Houston used to sing that song so powerfully, "The greatest love of all.... is learning to love yourself..."

 

I would highly recommend Dr. Marlene Winell's book "Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion."  She really explains in depth from a psychological point of view how religion can hold such a strong grip on us humans. She has strategies on how you can de-program your brain and mind set. Also, watch the Youtube videos recommended on this site to re-educate yourself. Check out Dr Valerie Tarico's videos She really makes a LOT of sense. The God of the bible, Yahweh, is created by man and not the other way round. https://youtu.be/xIBKfJTw1do

 

Sending you healing hugs,

 

Jennifer

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator

Welcome to Ex-c Knightcore and thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You have had quite the journey my friend. I'm so sorry that you lost the community of people that were your whole world. That is so hard. Religion sure can mess a lot of things up making family life unstable.

 

'Coming out', whether it be christianity or being gay are always such hard issues when you are dealing with loved ones who are brainwashed in the religion. I hope you will stay around and post for awhile. Someone is always here to help guide you through all the tough times. If you need our help, just reach out and we'll be here for you. Read as many ex-timonies as you can....you will soon see that you are not alone in this. We may not be able to be the real life friends that you need right now but we can certainly be your 'cyber' friends.  So glad you found us and decided to join. Keep us posted on how it's going? 

 

P.S. I don't blame you for hating the invisable god. This was my testimony when I arrived at Ex-c. You will see I felt the same.

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/page-1#.Vlxx5narSUk

 

((hug))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, that is a lot of stress in your life @knightcore - all that stuff at once. Your life has been very different from mine, so I doubt if any advice I give would be useful to you. Hopefully somebody here has some experience in at least one of the problems you are dealing with right now. You must be a strong person to cope with all of that while going to college.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know that when I come out to my family, I'll be completely severing myself from my past life. They will not take it well.

I'd say - they need to love you and accept you as you are, but that fails to take into account their mindset. In their world of sin versus obedience/holiness/righteousness, their acceptance of your lifestyle is tantamount to letting you go to hell. (assuming they are christians of the fundamental variety). So keep that in mind. They might be cold to you or even reject you, because they love you. Brainwashing makes people do things and act in ways that often don't make sense to a non-religious person.

 

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. smile.png

 

And I also know it doesn't make things any easier.

 

Welcome to ex-c, knightcore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome to Ex-c Knightcore and thank you so much for sharing your story with us. You have had quite the journey my friend. I'm so sorry that you lost the community of people that were your whole world. That is so hard. Religion sure can mess a lot of things up making family life unstable.

 

'Coming out', whether it be christianity or being gay are always such hard issues when you are dealing with loved ones who are brainwashed in the religion. I hope you will stay around and post for awhile. Someone is always here to help guide you through all the tough times. If you need our help, just reach out and we'll be here for you. Read as many ex-timonies as you can....you will soon see that you are not alone in this. We may not be able to be the real life friends that you need right now but we can certainly be your 'cyber' friends.  So glad you found us and decided to join. Keep us posted on how it's going? 

 

P.S. I don't blame you for hating the invisable god. This was my testimony when I arrived at Ex-c. You will see I felt the same.

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/page-1#.Vlxx5narSUk

 

((hug))

Thank you Margee, I had actually seen your posts and your testimony before I was officially joined. It really resonated with me. As a missionary kid I was always expected to have a "big faith" and I never did. I faked so much of it just so I didn't feel alone in it. Hearing god, miracles, conversion stories... I didn't have any. I thought I heard god sometimes but it was really just me talking to myself. 

 

 

Hi Knightcore,

 

I really feel for you. My own childhood was desperately fragmented too. And I understand about growing up a preacher's kid in a crazy Pentecostal church. I so understand living in different parts of the world as well and not belonging anywhere. I understand about living with self-loathing that's encouraged by the bible. I know what it's like to live in perpetual fear and condemnation - because that's how religion is able to brainwash people. I know what it's like to live with depression and anxiety.  It's taken me almost 60 years to break free and claim my brain back. Like Whitney Houston used to sing that song so powerfully, "The greatest love of all.... is learning to love yourself..."

 

I would highly recommend Dr. Marlene Winell's book "Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion."  She really explains in depth from a psychological point of view how religion can hold such a strong grip on us humans. She has strategies on how you can de-program your brain and mind set. Also, watch the Youtube videos recommended on this site to re-educate yourself. Check out Dr Valerie Tarico's videos She really makes a LOT of sense. The God of the bible, Yahweh, is created by man and not the other way round. https://youtu.be/xIBKfJTw1do

 

Sending you healing hugs,

 

Jennifer

Ah thank you, I really need to look up some more resources. I'm still getting used to the fact that I'm out of my parents house and can own things that might upset them. Preacher's kids and missionary kids aren't so different, I think we both struggle with a lot of the same dynamics and pressure. I know it took you a long time, but it means a lot that you were able to get out of that brainwashed mindset. I really can't describe how much hope it gives me that you and many other people here have been able to get out of it.

 

Really though thank you everyone that has replied. Having support in this field means the world to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've just read your story and all the replies.  All I can say is that I hope you learn to embrace your wonderful self!  From what I read, you are an intelligent, thoughtful person and I simply wish you peace and an awesome life.  Keep growing and learning and remember to love yourself.

 

Welcome!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.