Walking Away And Ruined Relationships

[AxHakker]

I made the decision to officially renounce my christian faith at about age 21, although it was a long time coming at that point. I was raised in a strictly christian home, dragged to church every Sunday, and was even homeschooled with a strict christian curriculum. One of my first words was "Jesus", and there is even home videos to prove it. I would say I was pretty held back on a lot, and perhaps missed out on a lot of opportunities due to my parents decision to homeschool me.

 

My whole life I struggled with actually holding onto any beliefs, I just went along with it because I felt that it was something I was supposed to do and if I didn't then there would be consequences. At about the age of 12 I made an effort to work on my faith and try to become a strong believer, and I was for a couple years. I involved myself with a youth group in hopes of building a strong bond and friendship with fellow christians in my age group but what I experienced was quite the opposite. I am a musician and I had hopes that I could play in the worship group which always had openings, but I was never accepted. After all the effort, all the faith I was building, and my dedication to prayer and witnessing to others, I still felt outcasted and unaccepted.

 

As unaccepted as I felt, I still held onto my faith and at 16 I even felt a calling to become a youth pastor. Well that all changed less than a year later when rumors started flying around about me through the youth group, all related to me having long hair and having an interest in heavy metal music. Soon I was merely a ghost to the rest of them, no one would speak to me or acknowledge me, including youth pastors. At the same age of 16, I suffered a major panic attack one night, and the morning later started having symptoms related to depression. I was taken to the doctors and diagnosed with depression, the same depression I struggle with today and always will. When this all happened I was completely overwhelmed, and felt more lost than ever. I declined medication because I was certain that god was going to come through for me if I stay strong in my faith. To make a longer story short, countless prayers, begging and pleading with god to relieve these negative feelings and symptoms and trying to reach out to others.. I was a major alcoholic at 18 trying to self medicate my depression, and while my faith in god was almost diminished, I still held onto a belief that he existed.

 

At 21 my drinking came to a complete halt when I got charged with a DUI. I was sentenced to 2 days in jail, and 2 years of mandatory alcohol treatment. I can honestly say that treatment was one of the best things that happened to me, I would probably have drank myself to death otherwise. At that point I had completely abandoned my faith, somewhat unintentionally, but as the AA meetings started rolling into my mandatory requirements and had to repeat christian-related AA prayers, god was starting to come back into question. Now, any average story would end with someone rededicating their lives to god and the church, but my reaction to being forced by law into the christian-related cult of AA was only animosity. I cherished my sobriety as I was thinking more clearly than ever before and I felt good about myself.

 

About a year into my sobriety I was beginning to critically think about everything in my life, thats when christianity came into question yet again. I thought about it very hard and it wasn't an easy decision, but I needed to rid myself of this religion and its beliefs. I realized the hardest part of walking away was the feeling like I wasn't allowed to walk away because it was so ingrained my head since birth and my family takes it very serious.

 

I've kept my true feelings and the fact that I renounced my faith very hidden from my family, but just recently it has come out. My family has responded to me in anger and accusation. I have been told that I am not depressed, that I'm possessed, I've been told that my quiet personality is a negative thing, I've been accused of bringing negative spirits into my brothers house because he found some black metal CD's, I've been told none of my friends care about me or would care if I died because they aren't christian. The list goes on, and their response to my renounced faith has been truly mean and hurtful. Its a very damaging feeling to have no personal connection with any of my family because of religion.

I could say a million more things about renouncing, my feelings towards christianity, my reasoning, and so on. But I don't want to make this post much longer than it has to be. I just need to express it with people who can have an understanding of what I went through, or who have went through something similar. Indoctrination is psychological abuse.

Thanks for taking the time to read this

[amateur]

Wow, you have been through the wringer, with depression and alcoholism, non-acceptance by church people, and your horrendous-sounding family.

 

I hope you've found some friends who accept you and you can feel safe and comfortable with.  I'm glad you're here.

 

Congratulations on your sobriety!  Yes, YOU did that, not god!

[Geezer]

Thanks for sharing your story, & welcome aboard.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

"Indoctrination is psychological abuse." Yep. The cult mindset is strong in some churches and believers, and all of the demons and angels and such are completely imaginary, but they don't think it is pretend. It is like a chosen madness that they turn and inflict on others out of fear, claiming it is done from love.

[born1ce]

Hi, I can identify with parts of your story. FIrst, I have homeschooled my son for 10 years (he's almost ready to graduate) and I know how biased and plain wrong those Christian homeschool texts are (I won't use them and I have been a Christian all this time up until very recently).  Fortunately, I was raised in a free thinker home by parents who shielded me from religion, so I had an advantage of realizing that the young earth, creationist crap is nonsense. So, I know what you mean...I've stopped associating with other homeschoolers over the past few years because they just live in a weird Christian bubble. Second, I understand about feeling like an outcast at church---but I experienced it as an adult--I'm sure it was much more difficult as a teenager . It is actually what started my slow walk away from Christianity. The youth group was the worst for my son because he doesn't conform to Christiany dress and music (he's into rap..lol).  Seeing how mean and judgmental people in the church are and other stuff got me studying the history of the church and now here I am..but I might have remained a Christian if I hadn't ever been to church!  Thank you for sharing your story... and P.S. I love heavy metal  (old stuff--Metallica and before) and YAY I can listen to it without feeling guilty!!! 

[♦ nivek ♦]

Welcome to the lifeboat Ax....

 

ExC is the place on net you can speak and post freely as you care about life and those events that swirl around it.

Join in, take part.

 

Webmaster Dave built ths place long ago now for those of we who NEED a place for the PRIMAL SCREAM at about life.
Walking away from all the magic and fairy dust that once bound you is easy.. Just takes rest of your life to live the way YOU want.

 

"Joke'um if they can't take a fuckin' "

 

kL

[trek4fr]

Welcome, AxHakker. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Families as supposed to be places of nurturing and caring, safe places where we can grow because we're allowed to be who we are. Unfortunately, that is not always the case, especially in situations where families are more Christian. The damaging thing about some forms of Christianity, mostly of the fundamentalist variety, is that people in the family become secondary to "God" or to their interpretations of god. If "God" is a concept of unconditional love, this can bind families together. But far too often, "God" is mainly a judge and this notion will divide families because we tend to become like the kind of "God" we worship. In a really ironic twist, modern Christianity thinks it is "family friendly." I sometimes wonder if it has read the scriptures. Jesus had little regard for his family. Neither Jesus nor Paul were married or had children. Paul had some pretty screwed up ideas about women and wives. But still Christians think that Christianity puts family first. It does not. Christianity puts Christianity first and if you're not a Christian, it is going to be tough being in a Christian family.

 

I've only come out publically about 3 years ago. My side of the family has Christians in it, but because we are blood, they don't much care. They let me ramble on and love me anyway.

 

My wife's side, however, is very Christian, almost down to every person (even babies, ha ha). They speak to me when they need to but there is a coldness there. They are probably praying that I will return to the fold. Some may think that I was never a Christian. And I try not to confront them about their Christian beliefs as long as they don't get in my face with them. After all, I used to believe much the same way. But Christianity is, for them, more about comfort than a search for truth. So this is why they are uncomfortable around non-believers. They require the constant comfort that they are right and that god is not judging them. To me, my philosophy is a wide-open search, not for comfort, but for truth. And I'll follow it where it takes me. I don't need god to give me comfort or to promise me heaven. Life has given me what I need and what I do with it is my responsibility. So don't let these "Debbie-downers" rain on your parade or hold you back. Pursue who you are. Congrats on kicking the alcohol, it won't let your life flourish. Make the best of your life and find some communities that share your interest and let you be who you are. UU "churches" have a lot of atheists and agnostics in them. They used to be Christian, but aren't any more. So that might offer you some community. But be who you are and celebrate that. In the entire Universe, there is only one of you, so you are rare and precious. Know that and make what you can of the one gift you have been given -- life.

[rjn]

Will try to give you a more thorough answer later but just wanted to say welcome to exC! Fellow metalhead here (Scandinavian black metal in particular)!

[dangitbobby83]

I know a girl who was disowned because she didn't believe anymore, her story sounds so much like yours. So much for them fucking family values Christians love to talk about, huh? 

 

Find people who will love you regardless of your religious (or non-religious) beliefs and you will be happier. When love has qualifications to it (you must be a christian), it isn't love at all - its manipulation and control. Welcome to ex-c, you've got friends here who care.

[ax345]

 

I've kept my true feelings and the fact that I renounced my faith very hidden from my family, but just recently it has come out. My family has responded to me in anger and accusation. I have been told that I am not depressed, that I'm possessed, I've been told that my quiet personality is a negative thing, I've been accused of bringing negative spirits into my brothers house because he found some black metal CD's, I've been told none of my friends care about me or would care if I died because they aren't christian. The list goes on, and their response to my renounced faith has been truly mean and hurtful. Its a very damaging feeling to have no personal connection with any of my family because of religion.

 

This paragraph was tough to read.  Thanks for sharing - I hope you find the support you need!

[GuyGone]

Depending on how far you want to wade into this, the next time this comes up, you could just ask them if the number of hours they've spent praying for you is as large as they number of hours they've spent talking about you.

 

Don't let it become an argument, just ask the question (in your own words, of course) and let it drop.  It wouldn't be an argument you could win anyway because it sounds like they will pull a spiritual rabbit out of a hat to "win".  But the question might result in a tiny, tiny paradigm shift.

[sdelsolray]

Better yet, ignore the little shits.  You have better things to do.

[rjn]

 

I've kept my true feelings and the fact that I renounced my faith very hidden from my family, but just recently it has come out. My family has responded to me in anger and accusation. I have been told that I am not depressed, that I'm possessed, I've been told that my quiet personality is a negative thing, I've been accused of bringing negative spirits into my brothers house because he found some black metal CD's, I've been told none of my friends care about me or would care if I died because they aren't christian. The list goes on, and their response to my renounced faith has been truly mean and hurtful. Its a very damaging feeling to have no personal connection with any of my family because of religion.

 

 

This paragraph was tough to read.  Thanks for sharing - I hope you find the support you need!

Indeed. Here is some more evil influence for you: I'd tell them to piss off. I've always been told Jesus was all about acceptance and that God loved you as you are, so be who you are, and if that doesn't float with the Christian crowd, well... screw them.

[warlocktheadam]

Hi AxeHakker. I'm new here, too. Welcome to the forums.

 

 

My family has responded to me in anger and accusation. I have been told that I am not depressed, that I'm possessed, I've been told that my quiet personality is a negative thing, I've been accused of bringing negative spirits into my brothers house because he found some black metal CD's, I've been told none of my friends care about me or would care if I died because they aren't christian.

 

It upset me to read this. Even during my time as a Christian, I found people like this disgusting. Families should not treat each other this way.

 

I partly understand where you are at. I was raised in a southern Christian family (still live with them), and I struggled with my spiritual beliefs since a young age as well. Like you I went through periods of intense spiritual re-invigoration followed by apathy or anger at the whole thing. I've recently freed myself from Christianity's oppressive influence, but I haven't told my parents yet. That should be fun...

 

I have never had a drinking problem, and don't drink because it will affect medications I take. I also had virtually no good friends at church, and as such I haven't dealt much with rejection like you have. But I have been embarrassed by the way I look for years, and since I have had incredibly few friends throughout my life, I have struggled with pervasive loneliness.

 

I've also had depression, and came close to taking my own life because of it. I also performed (very minimal) self-harm during the worst bout of my struggle. I don't know how bad your depression is, but I would urge you to seek someone to talk to if you ever consider harming yourself. Even without the "future" promised by Christianity, there is much to look forward to in life. If I had killed myself ~2 years ago, I wouldn't have found and enjoyed:

• My cat, whom I love dearly
• The epic fantasy story in my head
• My enjoyment of writing
• The Daredevil TV show
• Sherlock
• The list goes on

I know how tough it can be, feeling alone, worthless, without meaning, etc. Sometimes, I still struggle with these feelings, and when I come home from work I can't find joy in anything when I know I did the day before. But those feelings (or lack thereof) do go away. Finding things you love to do and look forward to can be therapeutic.

 

Whatever you deal with every day, know that there are others who have faced it. Some have failed, but others have risen above the seemingly insurmountable obstacle of true depression. JK Rowling is an example--web search "JK Rowling depression" if you'd like. It really can be overcome.

 

Also, congratulations on getting your alcohol consumption under control. I'm sure that wasn't easy.

 

Best to you.