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Goodbye Jesus

Handling Religious Family


GypStar

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Hello!

 

I am new to these forums, so I will begin with an introduction of myself:

 

I was raised under a conservative protestant Christian roof. My father is a pastor, and my mother has always been a stay at home wife. They were also foreign missionaries, making me an MK, PK. I was constantly in and out of churches. My family participated in the traditional church going, as well as "cell church" at home. My father was always fervent in his Bible reading and prayer, as well as his preaching. My family was very much turned off by the corruption and wealth that came out of mega churches, and they tried to keep it as close to home as possible. As such, I grew up reading my Bible every morning, going to some form of Sunday school, VBS, as well as being home schooled with a very Creationist-based curriculum called Accelerated Christian Education. 

 

I was very sheltered. The extent of my sex ed was being given a book from the 1950's on reproduction...which failed to include sex as an act in any chapter. As far as I knew, there was only a sperm and egg and kissing?? I'm guessing my parents were too embarrassed to talk about sex with me. I ended up following the "Purity Movement". I read books on dating by Elizabeth Elliot and Joshua Harris. I was so worried about my purity at only age 13. The funny thing was, I lived in a third world country with little exposure to my own age group. I struggled with feeling dirty about masturbation and even went so far as to ask for god's forgiveness and never do it again. 

 

I legitimately wanted to please god and be a good servant. I put my life in god's hands every morning and did my best not to worry about anything because that was a sin. I was the Christian good girl all my friend's parents wanted to have around their kids. I was always spouting off "the gospel" to my friends. This has caused issues with my relationships today because of my deconversion. 

 

Junior year of high school, I decided that I wanted to delve into the scriptures and learn as much truth as possible. I learned some Greek, Chinese, and even Latin on my own because I was told those languages were the closest to what the bible was trying to convey linguistically. I dug and dug and dug....and found a black hole of circular logic and subjective meaning. I went through a period of depression because I felt a conflict in my mind. My search for the heart of the truth was pushing me away from my precious faith. My first year of college, I took a religion class. My instructor told the class that they would be changed afterwards if they chose to listen with an open mind. I began that class with a narrow view of the world's religions (only believing Satan inspired religion and Christianity was a relationship not a religion). During that time I met my husband who was new to atheism. My world was fast crumbling and turning into something new. 

 

My second year of college I moved out of my house after not being able to stand my mother, who claimed I was breaking her heart and that my faith was never real, and that I counted on my works more than my faith. She said she smelled hell fire and we had the worst emotional agruments. I never wanted to have them, but my attempts at coming out with my agnosticism were met with "we raised you to be Christian" and "you are going through a doubting phase". For a few years after, my mother was constantly stressed out and angry at me for "falling away". I even told her during one of our arguments that if she believed in a loving god, how could he let her daughter go to hell? That was definitely the worst argument we had ever had.

 

Since then I've stopped talking about my perspectives on spirituality and life around her or my family. It seems pointless, especially when me simply not believing in the god of the bible causes so much pain for my mother. I'm getting more and more pissed off that I am punished with guilt for having a different belief system. I can't freely express my views or opinions around her or other immediate family members without them getting emotional. And I'm not even being dogmatic or pushy!! I hardly ever mention it. 

 

How do I deal with this? I'm tempted to just not give a sh-- anymore and come out again as a pantheist (the belief system I've most recently come to relate most to). The problem is I'm either a Christian or an atheist, and anything different is confusing. God forbid I agree on a few things and not on other things!

 

I can see my family in the future on their death beds still hoping for my salvation and guilt tripping me.

 

Thanks for reading!

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Your parents probably genuinely are concerned about your eternal future and are disappointed at your decision.  It's like a parent who is concerned about their alcoholic son - they see real consequences that he can't see.  Presumably you still want to have a relationship with them, hopefully a healthy one.  So I would recommend that you first don't try to convince them to see things your way.  It took years for you to deconvert, even if they did so, it won't happen quickly.  As I said in a post on another thread, people don't change their faith because they lost an argument.  It just doesn't work that way.  It's a process, not an event, and it seems to often require some kind of trigger to get it started.  And the further you have waded into it, the further you are from shore, the longer it takes to work your way back.  As an ex-pastor, I have a theory that those in ministry take longer or wrestle more with deconversion because there is so much to lose and so much that has to change.  To continue with the analogy, your parents are a long way from shore and are still facing out to sea.  They need to see a shark or something to change that.

 

Since these arguments are so emotionally charged, it might help to go into interactions with your mother with a predetermined commitment not to get drawn into emotional hot topics.  Just make it clear where you stand and deflect attempts to draw you in to something that results in an argument.  It sounds like you've had enough of those already that you know what the triggers are; decide in advance how you will avoid letting a statement from your mother escalate into a heated discussion.  Avoid general accusations ("you never" and "you always" statements).  It might help to be direct and tell mom that you want to have a relationship with her, you don't want to argue, and you that no screaming match is going to make either of you change your minds.  A little mental preparation and planning might avert some or all of the arguments.  Easier said than done, I know.

 

You could suggest to mom that returning to faith is going to require something more substantial than what you have encountered so far.  So if she wants to, she can pray for supernatural intervention for you.  It doesn't hurt you, gives her hope, and let's face it, if God really did something unambiguously supernatural to reveal himself, you would probably reverse course.  I would.  Note that I qualified this as "unambiguous".  As in "doesn't require reading circumstantial tea leaves to recognize it".

 

Prove that you can be as decent, gracious, forgiving, and balanced as the best Christian.

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GoneGuy has offered good advice, but a lot of his advice is dependent on your family being rational & at least a little bit open minded. I hope that is true but in my experience Xian fundamentalist are neither rational or open minded. These kind of situations are usually difficult & rarely resolved without a lot of anger & condemnations.

 

You are likely seen as the black sheep of the family now & that probably won't change anytime soon. Sadly, this is typical & just part of the journey out of religion.

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Never forget that your mother CHOOSES to be hurt, offended, sad, whatever. And all because someone has reached a different conclusion than she. Sad, but not your fault or problem. You are an equal and entitled to your own opinions. Conditional acceptance, or love, is neither. It's a shame how many relationships rely on people sharing the same opinion about a particular superstitious belief.

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Often, overcoming peer pressure, particularly pressure imposed by nuclear family members and relatives, is more arduous than internally deconverting from the Christian religion in the first place.  Your story seems to map this reality completely.  Much depends on the emotional, psychological and intellectual well being of the peers and depends much less on your own well being.  Dealing with peer pressure in an adult and rational fashion is much more tiring and difficult, sometimes even impossible, when the peer's behaviors involve control, manipulation, emotional abuse and appeals to codependency and enabling.

 

You obviously are going to continue to have a tough time with it, particularly with your mother, who is exhibiting many of the naughty and infantile behaviors identified above.

 

However, you are handling it quite well by demonstrating a firm and rational stand and by avoiding unnecessary confrontation.  You may need to make this a bit more clear with your mother when the opportunity arises.  Here's a fictional dialog with your mother:

 

Her:  "Unless you return to the Lord and seek forgiveness you will burn in hell."

 

You:  "Mother, you were indoctrinated with that religious dogma and you believe it.  I was indoctrinated with the same dogma and I find it unbelievable."

 

Her:  "But you will become immoral and evil without Jesus."

 

You:  "The actual evidence does not support that claim.  I am quite moral, I have empathy for my fellow humans and I will always do my best to do the right thing for myself and those around me."

 

Her:  "Your lack of faith has caused me so much pain.  Why would you do this to me?"

 

You:  "I'm sorry you feel pain because of my choices.  However, I am not responsible for your pain.  You are.  And I do not appreciate your attempt to manipulate me and make me feel guilty.  The cause of your behavior and feelings is the effect religion has had on your own emotional and psychological condition.  It is not based on whether I believe the same religious dogma as you."

 

Her:  "What will all the people at church think when they find out that you are courting the devil?"

 

You:  "They will likely think I'm bad and that you have failed as a parent."  But they only think that way because they were indoctrinated to think that way.  They do not think for themselves.

 

Etc., etc., etc.

 

Good luck.

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I think its really brave of you to even be open with your mother about your lack of belief! 

Weather you let her know deliberately or it just happened.... its commendable, because i can imagine the pain and frustration.

I don't think i could ever be honest with my parents about how i feel regarding Christianity. I saw how they reacted when by older brother

denounced his faith,

i feel like as you say, i would brake their hearts, and would never hear the end of it!!

i don't want them to pray or worry, because there's nothing wrong with us haha!  

 

But still i really admire that you are in the position that your mother is aware of your doubts, its always better to be honest and true to yourself, 

to be free to be who you are, even if she doesnt accept it. 

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