Straight To Hell In Skinny Jeans

[Vivid]

Hey guys, I'm writing this on my phone- and I have two toddlers, so we will see how far I get today. As a long-time lurker, it is a relief to finally post my story; thank you so much for letting me join this incredible forum.

 

My entire childhood I was homeschooled, and indoctrinated with a pretty average Baptist/evangelical Christianity. A few months before I turned 10, our entire family moved to a rural, wooded property in East Texas; and things were pretty fun. I loved it. Camping, hiking, hacking Vines with a machete.... But my main responsibility was watching after my infant sister- so my mom could help clear a driveway through the underbrush to where we planned to build a house.

 

To make it clear, we hadn't gone to church in a while because my Dad couldn't find one that fit his interpretation of perfect. Which makes it all the more surprising when he took a right turn and dropped off the map into some sort of fundamental conservative "quiverful" shit.

 

Of course, my parents already believed that they should the size of their family up to God. Soon came a host of other beliefs: us girls had to wear "modest" clothing. No shorts, then no pants, then only long skirts. No makeup, no cutting hair, then head coverings. No earrings, no drawing on ourselves, no entertaining thoughts of a career. I did housework, watched babies, made victuals.

 

And through it all, I believed it all. We were extremely isolated, although for a few years we had a home church, there would be long stretches of time we didn't leave the woods, especially when our van broke down. My dad was a contractor, we were pretty poor. Yet my mom had more children, 9 in total. Which is way less than many quiverful families, but ya know, menopause.

 

Looking back, it was suffocating. When I was 21 I moved in with my aunt and tried to break away, but at the time I was still a Christian (albeit much more liberal), and my mom pleaded with me to come home or my relationship with my Dad would be destroyed and of course that would displease God. So, I went home, and plunged straight into depression as my Dad shunned me, my mom barely spoke to me, and my siblings simply reacted to all the bad-mouthing my parents did against me. My sisters were told again and again not to be like me.

 

Until I guess my brain snapped a little and I couldn't take the isolation and the struggle that I had with dermatillomania escalated. So instead of walking in front of a truck I walked into happy love crazy town. Otherwise known as JESUS is all that matters and legalism is for blind Christians only. But I did vow to obey my Dad and wear skirts while I was in his home and so forth. I also cancelled my plans to go to college with my one female friend because my Dad felt it would be unwise (the non-straight feelings I had for her were way too dangerous).

My next matter of importance was setting up a "cottage industry" sewing clothes at home to make money. I also began attending a nearby church on my own (I FINALLY had my driver's license!).

 

I was happy. But then I wasn't. All my spiritual encounters and extreme devotion was actually making me a bit wackadoodle. I saw God and demons in and behind everything. I was consumed with fear after shucking the head covering, and would pull the covers over my head at night to pray just in case.

 

To deal with all of this, the whole time I had been running- literally running several times a day. And my life was going nowhere. My parents said it was OK to go to college online, so I half-heartedly began to look into that. I was so afraid of everything-so much social anxiety that it could be paralyzing. In the end though, I managed to get a job at Pizza Hut and plunge into real life.

 

There I met my future husband, and a girl/guy who became my platonic roommate when I moved out. Since I was still a Christian (very sure in my faith and love for Jesus) I was terrifically confused by unmarried sex being not evil and a lesbian being mostly normal and nice.

 

Still I had a fear instilled in me from weeness of birth control, so guess what! I got pregnant. We had already been discussing marriage, so we got married. Had a baby boy, then found out promptly that I was pregnant again. It was a struggle between science and that idiot magazine Above Rubies that my mom let me have. So I chose science for the moment, and birth control it was. Something stank about the whole birther regime.

 

Some terrible things happened next that involved my dearest friend, who came from a family like mine. They began to expose the corruption held under wraps by some very godly looking people, and I began to literally cry to God. He didn't answer. Over a period of time I researched and prayed in earnest- gut-wrenching pleas to guide me to him if he existed and not let me go astray. Athiest videos and apologetics online were my new food. The Bible lay on the couch dissected by a newly budding reason.

 

Early 2015 I discovered my mind. Turns out that you don't know brainwashing is lying on your ability to reason like a kindly smothering blanket. My parents threw that blanket on me when I was 7 with the best of intentions- to save me from hell. Thank no god that I woke up and realized there was no air left to breath in that religion. The fear has faded now, and I truly no longer believe.

 

My entire worldview has gone through a metamorphosis the like I could not have imagined, and this forum helped play a part. Thank you so much for helping me feel less alone and more assured. Nowadays I'm an agnostic/atheist, and more than happy to not brainwash my children but let them learn to use their own minds, their own compassion.

And if anyone is curious, my husband is not my master. We have an egalitarian relationship. He is awesome, and a weird nonpracticing "Christian" universalist panentheist nerd.

 

Still trying to learn to live without the crutch of God, but I think I will be fine. It helps immeasurably to type this ramble, with someone to see it. Kudos for making it through, thanks for reading.

Feel free to question.

 

Peace I'm out <3

[TABA]

Hi Vivid!

 

I'm so glad you found us! I'm glad it helped you to break out of It does feel good, doesn't it, to share your story with people who understand. I just shared mine a couple of weeks ago. My Christian experience was much less traumatic than yours, but it was still very liberating to announce to myself and to others that I don't believe anymore. It's a strange feeling to look at Christianity now as an outsider. Strange but good!

Anyway, welcome to our community of unbelievers! You can be sure that now you're one of us, nobody will try to make you not believe in the right way, or give you tracts or assign you scripture to read so you get it just right . If you want to join in discussions, that would be cool, but if that's it and you just want to get on with your life now that you've told your story, all the best to you. Enjoy having a free mind! It will be worth whatever it took to get here...

[Vivid]

As a happy addendum, my 7 sisters and I are all feminists, three bisexual and 1 gay. There are definitely mental repercussions to an extremely fundie upbringing however; two of us have dermatillomania, one self-harms, and several have anxiety. It's a LOT better now for the younger ones, and the majority rules when it comes to clothes and makeup and freedom. Still oppressive, but better. My Dad took my youngest sister aside and told her all about how wrong homosexuality is, and she promptly went to tell our gay sister that Dad was wrong and she could like girls no problem. So proud. Also my 21 year old sis just made phi beta cappa at her college while working full time. The progress is slow, but real, and worth fighting for. Feminism matters while beliefs like my parents' still exist. They are an example of good people led so far astray from simple morality.

[Vivid]

Thanks ThereAndBackAgain! You are right- being an outsider to Christianity is now exhilarating. Because it means freedom, even if it hurts when the blinder is first ripped off. And no matter your background it is a victory. Congrats on your deconversion

[TippyToe]

Welcome  

 

Well done for getting out. I find Quiverful families fascinating and knew a girl from one at one point.... but i appreciate that, this was your reality and how painful it must have been, i really respect that. 

Life is so much better on the outside. 

How has your father reacted to your leaving the faith, and your siblings becoming feminists and what not?  My parents weren't fundamentalists but i still would find it extremely difficult to admit that i don't believe to them, so just wondering what your relationship is like with them now? 

 

 

[sdelsolray]

Some would say your parents did what they thought and believed was best for you.  Others would say your parents are nutters and inflicted constant emotional abuse on you.

 

Regardless, you have shaken that set of experiences for the most part.  Keep up the good work.

[Vivid]

TippyToe, I haven't told them. Partially because I don't want to be cut off from my younger sisters in any way, and partially because if I let it out it would probably stir up lot of religious fumes that lay dormant at the moment. My parents are very passive aggressive. We've had a truce since the grandkids were born, and they probably just think I'm a liberal Christian hippy. My brother pushed the idea that I was a dumb flake so it's what fits their paradigm of me. My brother had a lot of power, and he was a bully. Not to say I don't love him because I do- he was my best friend growing up.

However, my sister's and I have a pact that if anything big ever comes out (like atheism or lesbianism) that we will all unload our truth on our parents. Not to be angry at them, but to diffuse their reactions.

 

To circle around- before I had my first kid, my parents and I rarely spoke. If they knew everything, I expect the healing that has happened would be strained beyond belief.

[Vivid]

Sdelsolray, it is some of both... They are brainwashed too. Now all I feel is sadness and sympathy for them. Not to say there weren't a couple of years of intense burning dislike, anger, bitterness if you will.

 

nice to meet you

[Jeff]

Wow Vivid. Congrats on the escape and so many sibs to help each other.

Welcome and good luck with all of this.

[sdelsolray]

Sdelsolray, it is some of both... They are brainwashed too. Now all I feel is sadness and sympathy for them. Not to say there weren't a couple of years of intense burning dislike, anger, bitterness if you will.

 

nice to meet you

 

 

Good to meet you too.

 

There are two further steps that needs to be addressed after internal deconversion.

 

1)  Peer Pressure and Disclosure:  This involves dealing with your family, friends, workmates, acquaintances and the general public and whehter and how you choose to disclose your deconversion to them.  Much depends on the behaviors and personalities of those folks and not so much on you.  Of course, you can choose to not disclose your deconversion but be careful of codependent and enabling behaviors here.

 

2)  Life Adjustments:  Depending on #1 above, your life and much of what it entails will need some (or much) adjusting.

[Vivid]

Thanks Jeff, my escape was easy compared to many from quiverful families. I am so happy to have paved the way for my sisters, some of which were like daughters to me. They are the silver lining in all of this.

[Vivid]

All my friends and my husband know. I live in an area that is not too friendly to athiests, but I would tell the truth if someone asked.

[hockeyfan70]

Congratulations on getting out, Vivid. Glad that you have some support.

 

My last stint as a youth minister was at a church in Texas. I actually went there to start up a Saturday night service geared to high school, college and young adults. Two weeks into moving there, I was informed that they were no longer going to do that but I could be the youth minister because he was going to be the singles/preaching minister. Little did I know that our youth ministry was fundamentalist central. There were kids who could not come into the youth room until we were done with the "worship" part of the service because we used drums and drums were evil. They were all big fans of Bill Gothard (if you haven't read up on him lately, you should. He's a really great guy. Lots of sexual abuse cases against him now). I think that church experience was really the first time I thought "what the hell am I doing?" I switched to being a worship pastor after that, and that helped me because I didn't have to deal with crap like that anymore, but it started the process of where I am now.

[Vivid]

I know Bill Gothard, he's a pile of shit. There are too many cases of sexual assault and child molestation to count. I can't even look at the Duggars without feeling triggered. Is that the right term?

 

Anyway, I personally know victims that lived in huge, perfect-looking families. From the outside they were praised beyond belief, but the children went through hell.

 

My Dad is usually quiet and well controlled, but he took the "spare the rod, spoil the child" thing quite literally. My mom made him stop spanking after he beat one of my little sisters for being rebellious. It goes to show that the doctrine can make even a good parent toe the dark side.

[TABA]

Saturday Night service eh, hockeyfan70? Even at my most devout (which was not all that much), I was drinking beer most Saturday nights!

[hockeyfan70]

Saturday Night service eh, hockeyfan70? Even at my most devout (which was not all that much), I was drinking beer most Saturday nights!

I wasn't allowed to drink beer as a church staff member until ironically right before I was let go last year haha.

 

(I still did.)

 

(Sinner.)

 

Thankfully, the church I was just at never thought of doing a Saturday night service. Mostly for religious reasons, at least Big 10 football religious reasons.

[hockeyfan70]

I know Bill Gothard, he's a pile of shit. There are too many cases of sexual assault and child molestation to count. I can't even look at the Duggars without feeling triggered. Is that the right term?

 

Anyway, I personally know victims that lived in huge, perfect-looking families. From the outside they were praised beyond belief, but the children went through hell.

 

My Dad is usually quiet and well controlled, but he took the "spare the rod, spoil the child" thing quite literally. My mom made him stop spanking after he beat one of my little sisters for being rebellious. It goes to show that the doctrine can make even a good parent toe the dark side.

There are a lot of reports coming out about Gothard and other super-fundamentalist groups. Sexual assault, verbal abuse, physical abuse, all kinds of wonderful stuff.

[Vivid]

Really makes your heart glow, doesn't it? I'm so glad I can look at my two and three year old and not see sinners who must be brought to their knees before me and God.

 

Honestly though, the patriarchal cult is a good cover for those who are bullies anyway. Men and women alike.

[sdelsolray]

Much of that behavior was common in the location and around the time the various books of the OT were written, and was recorded in those books.  It is not surprising at all that some current theists who consider those writings as an authoritative source of morality and proper action would exhibit the same behaviors.

[Vivid]

You hit the nail on the head sdelsolray. It also promotes an unhealthy obsession with sexual purity that often leads to sexualizing everything. One of the guides for girls that I read at the time strongly recommended not stretching, bending over, looking into a man's eyes too much, sitting cross-legged, jumping, wearing knit, showing hair, wearing perfume, and a host of other things. Didn't want to tempt any male within a hundred mile radius. Really puts a crimp on how people relate to each other. Very stressful.

[hockeyfan70]

That was one of my issues that led me out of Christianity. How patriarchal it is. How they take a passage that was meant to be an instruction for that church in that time period and use it to silence women in the church for all time.

[TABA]

The funny thing is, while the leadership and pulpits are male, the congregations skew heavily female, in my experience. What's up with that?

[hockeyfan70]

The women in the church actually get the important things done. The men just sit back and make all the decisions and lead (poorly).

 

Reminds me of a quote by a Christian woman who said "At my job, where I was CEO, I had to make decisions that affected a multi-million dollar company. At church, I was asked to bake brownies."

[♦ nivek ♦]

Welcome Vivid!

 

ExC, best place to spend on.ass on.line time decluttering ones mind yet devised. 

Will find quite a few of we who are fellow travellers here in many myriad ways and directions. Feel free to read, join in and find a spot here. 

We are a very 1A tolerant Community.  Speak your mind, post your thoughts. There is no post-stazi here as one might find on "religious boards" trying to keep purity/doctrine/my-brand-not-yours intact.

kevin,fenceriderfortheBoss,L

[Lilith666]

Woo! Read your epilogue in post 3, Vivid. Welcome.

I found your description of the "girls' guide" hilarious, yet terrifying. Women can't bend over just to pick up something or for some reason? They can't jump either or sit cross-legged? Good lord. It sounds like they just see women as walking stacks of boobs/ass/vagina. I'm betting that as fundy as they are, they harp on how Islam abuses women (which it does) while doing the same thing. I would also bet that they have no problem with men sitting with their legs apart.

 

I shouldn't have laughed at Bill Gothard's name, but I couldn't help it after all this conversation about fundy hangups. XD