My Christian Wife: I Don't Know What To Do Next

[TABA]

Hi folks,


I just recently introduced myself here and shared my deconversion story.  Maybe I was one of those "he never really was a Christian to begin with" types, because my journey away from faith has not been anything like as traumatic as it was for many others.  I feel like I shed Christianity almost like taking off a coat.  I don't fear Hell, or miss Heaven, or miss God's guidance, because I really wasn't very convinced of those anyway.  So here I am, comfortable in my unbelief, somewhat exhilarated actually, with that definite "the spell is broken" feeling.  I look at Christianity now from the outside and it seems much less impressive than it did from the inside.

 

So what's the problem?  I just am at a major fork in the road as to how to move forward with my wife, who still has a strong belief in the Bible, Satan, Hell, the works.  A loving God too of course, haha! We have a strong relationship, I love her very much, we really are each other's best friends, but I'm afraid if I come fully clean about my deconversion it will tear a huge hole in our marriage.  For about a year now, she's known that I've had serious doubts about the whole thing, but that's as far as it goes.  Things have been remarkably normal and it hasn't come up much.  One day she asked me if I was agnostic.  I mumbled something noncommittal and was able to change the subject.  One day she said she feared that Satan had a hold of me (I wanted to say “well I am meeting him for a few beers tonight…”). The other night, when I made some comment doubting something in the Bible, she said "You need to stop being so skeptical.  It's bad for you, and its definitely bad for me".  So if I were to announce that I've concluded that Christianity makes no sense and I'm done believing, it would not sit well, shall we say...

 

I'm afraid if I make clear that my unbelief is complete and firm, it will break her heart.  Now that I've fully accepted that I'm done with religion, and as I've been getting to know good people on here who are not believers, living without God seems natural to me, but it's easy to forget how alien an idea that is to so many.  My wife does question things about Christianity sometimes, but only details, never the basics.

 

The way I see it, I have three choices:

(1) We can go on the way we’ve been going, in a kind of limbo, with me seeming to be questioning but not putting all my cards on the table.

(2) I could say I have doubts about some things but that I do believe in God

(3) I could be totally honest and say I no longer believe and really have no desire to believe.

 

Of course #3 is how I actually feel. If our marriage were rocky anyway I would be inclined to go with 3. It would be the most satisfying to me and if she couldn’t handle it we would go our separate ways. I really don’t want to pretend to believe. It feels so good to be on this forum and to be honest and open and that is important to me.

 

The way I’m inclined to go is with #1. When the opportunity arises, I can gently point out some of the more obvious problems with Christian teachings and the Bible (no shortage of material there, haha!), without head-on attacking what she believes. She is not unreasonable (for a devout believer) and I could see her in time moving to a more liberal version of Xtianity. In my dreams she eventually joins me in my unbelief… The success of #1 depends on both of us not wanting to bring things to a head. It is like walking a tightrope to some extent.

 

Because of my wife, part of me wishes I had never started questioning. Christianity was not unpleasant for me, but I feel so much better now without the faith that kept my mind in a strait-jacket.  We left the conservative church and now I go to Mass with her most weeks. I'm fine to sit in a beautiful church for an hour, enjoying the music, the stained glass, the incense, maybe even meditating on how I can be a better man. Then I put my spiritual coat back on the hook for another week. It works for me.

 

Sorry to go on for so long. Writing this helps. Thanks for reading! I do appreciate you all, whether you comment or not.

[qadeshet]

If you really love her, go with option #1. If you out yourself to her, it probably will not end well. Lying is almost never a good choice, but I don't recommend faking it either. If she directly asks if you still believe, tell her the truth. She might be able to respect your honesty. I'm sorry to say that Believers and Atheists mix about as well as oil and water. Goof luck.

[Storm]

Welcome to Ex-C. You are not alone. Your story is my story exactly. Only I chose to disclose my lack of belief to my wife a few weeks ago. It rocked her. Hard. She is still reeling and trying to figure out how she feels about it. She has committed to working on our relationship and has stated that this isn't a deal breaker for our marriage.

 

At this point, I have decided to give her some space and leave it alone. She needs to be able to process everything that has changed in her world. She has expressed her displeasure in the fact that she thought she was getting a spiritual leader and someone to lead our marriage (classic Christian think) and now she doesn't have that. She has to grieve and be able to learn to live her newly acquired life (against her will, I will add). Its a lot to take in for sure. For me, leaving my faith was a huge deal and I still struggle with it and how my life is going to move forward. But I also admit that I have a head start on my wife in processing all this and I have come to understand that its not realistic for me to expect her to be at my speed in processing all this. She has to do it at her own pace, and in a way that works best for her. Its frustrating and difficult, but it has to be that way if she and I are going to make this work.

 

I am still in the beginning of all this, but this is what I have learned so far. I would also advise you to treat your wife with respect in regards to her beliefs. While you may not believe anymore, and you may believe that what she believes is a bunch of horse manure, you cannot treat her beliefs with a lack of respect, because in doing so, you belittle her and will only cause her to get defensive. You can express your disagreement in her beliefs, but I recommend you don't mock them or belittle them. This will only cause more problems.

 

I suggest you go with number 3, but you must be careful how you do it. Know why you don't believe anymore, and give a well thought out response if asked. I think people generally respect differing opinions as long as they feel they are being treated with respect in regards to their own opinions.  I have come to understand that its easy to get emotional talking about religion with my wife and that it is hard to show why I no longer believe without it getting emotional. Christianity is heavy on emotion.

 

One other thing, I think that its such an ingrained belief that non believers lack morals or the ability to love or to be kind. Show her that its just not true. Love her more, and do so in a way that transcends christianity. Help others, be more giving. Be everything christianity wants you to be, but do it for yourself and for others, not for some imaginary god. This is the true value of life and love. This is the best example.

 

You have a difficult road ahead. But it can work if you want it to.

 

I wish you luck.

[hockeyfan70]

Good advice so far. I would personally lean towards number 1. I think that in a marriage relationship, you have to sacrifice your own needs and wants for the good of your wife. If you love her and want to be with her for the rest of your lives, maybe for now this is one concession you can make. However, I do agree that it's good to be honest about how you're feeling if she asks you.

 

My grandparents are a good example of this. My grandfather was a protestant, my grandmother a catholic. He hated catholicism and he hated going to mass. But he loved his wife so he went every single week the entire time they were married until he died of a heart attack.

 

Recent events in my life (like yesterday) have I think become the final straw with my wife when it comes to going to church. As in, she doesn't care to anymore. Which is fine with me. But she still believes in God and she still prays. And since I don't have to do the church part anymore, I'm ok with it.

[florduh]

If she loves you only on the condition that you agree with her and share her superstitious beliefs then you have already lost her, if in fact you ever had her at all. Conditional love is not love at all but rather a mutually beneficial arrangement. It sounds like you love her regardless of her beliefs, can the same be said for her? That is the real question.

[Jeff]

There is no right answer. Even if you chose the best for now, it will likely not remain the best answer.

I do not believe in sacrificing yourself permanently to keep your wife happy as this will cause you to be living a lie and who wants a fake relationship?

Your marriage is a relationship between you and your wife but she has an imaginary friend who gives her advice based on fear and conditioning. I would gently see how well your relationship works when that friend is asked to stay in the other room occasionally.

No one owns another person. If she loves you then she would want you to be fulfilled as she wants to be fulfilled. Her happiness cannot be based on forcing you to believe something that you do not.

Good luck.

[midniterider]

OP: (1) We can go on the way we’ve been going, in a kind of limbo, with me seeming to be questioning but not putting all my cards on the table.

 

...

 

If telling her would break her heart, then why tell her? 

 

On the other hand if she wants you to lead some worship service or devote an unacceptable amount of time/money for church or basically do some religious crap you don't want to do, then tell her you dont want to do that. You don't necessarily need to explain that you feel Christianity is complete BS, she'll probably get that feeling from you anyway.

 

If her religious life is not impacting you, why impact hers?

[WarriorPoet]

I feel like I need to start with a disclaimer here.  Any advice I offer would be based on my experiences with my wife.  Your marriage is obviously different than mine.

 

I am convinced that honesty in a relationship is nearly always the best policy.  Like it or not, religious beliefs or the lack thereof are a big deal in a marriage.  The easy answer is that you deserve to be able to live honestly and she deserves to know.  Getting caught in a lie would likely be far worse than her reaction to you being open about your disbelief.  Hypothetical scenario, how do you think she would feel if you forget to log off your computer at some point and she sees this thread?

 

Of course, if you think that honesty will cause serious problems in your relationship, you should play the long game.  I wouldn't tell her "there is no god and religion is bullshit".  A progression through your 3 choices would probably be a good way to go.

 

Atheists and christians can live together and have a good marriage, that is the marriage that I am in.  She's known that I am an atheist since long before we were married.  That is obviously different than your situation, as you shared your wife's religion when you were married.  I'm just including this to say that it is possible.

 

I wish you luck with whatever option you choose.

[Daffodil]

Welcome to Ex-C. You are not alone. Your story is my story exactly. Only I chose to disclose my lack of belief to my wife a few weeks ago. It rocked her. Hard. She is still reeling and trying to figure out how she feels about it. She has committed to working on our relationship and has stated that this isn't a deal breaker for our marriage.

 

At this point, I have decided to give her some space and leave it alone. She needs to be able to process everything that has changed in her world. She has expressed her displeasure in the fact that she thought she was getting a spiritual leader and someone to lead our marriage (classic Christian think) and now she doesn't have that. She has to grieve and be able to learn to live her newly acquired life (against her will, I will add).

I was the wife in your scenario a few years ago. It rocked my world, though I had lived with my own doubts for years already by that time. Still, it was rough because I too had the idea that my husband was supposed to be the spiritual head of the home. It forced me to realize that I had put too much dependence on my husband for my own walk with Christ (ugh, I haven't used that terminology in a long time!) and it galvanized me to try to strengthen my own faith and stand on my own. Thing is, it also somehow gave me permission to address my own doubts more seriously than I had previously. After all, if he can lose his faith and still be a good loving husband, maybe it's not so bad. It took about 2 1/2 years for me to take the plunge as well.

 

Don't want to give either you or TABA unrealistic hope, but if your wives have any secret doubts, your honesty may be just the thing to tip the balance for them.

 

And Storm, it occurred to me that when she complains about losing the spiritual leader she thought she had, you might say something like, "I don't really think you need a leader. You are a strong, capable, wise woman in your own right. Why do you need a leader?" You will likely be the first person to have ever said that to her, and it will really throw her off guard and make her think!

[TABA]

I just want to say a quick 'THANK YOU!' to all of you who responded. I have read each response more than once and I will be processing them in the back of mind probably 24/7 for a while. I just am amazed by the atmosphere of caring, wisdom and solidarity that exists in these forums. I appreciate you all so much. I'm sure I will have more to say over the next few days...

[Margee]

Much like Dallodil said, as soon as I started to voice my doubts to my husband in a very soft, gentle way...it did not take him long to follow behind me in his own deconversion because deep down he had the exact same doubts as me. It will depend on where she is in her faith. I wish you the very best with this very hard issue TABA.

 

(hug)

[Storm]

 

Welcome to Ex-C. You are not alone. Your story is my story exactly. Only I chose to disclose my lack of belief to my wife a few weeks ago. It rocked her. Hard. She is still reeling and trying to figure out how she feels about it. She has committed to working on our relationship and has stated that this isn't a deal breaker for our marriage.

 

At this point, I have decided to give her some space and leave it alone. She needs to be able to process everything that has changed in her world. She has expressed her displeasure in the fact that she thought she was getting a spiritual leader and someone to lead our marriage (classic Christian think) and now she doesn't have that. She has to grieve and be able to learn to live her newly acquired life (against her will, I will add).

I was the wife in your scenario a few years ago. It rocked my world, though I had lived with my own doubts for years already by that time. Still, it was rough because I too had the idea that my husband was supposed to be the spiritual head of the home. It forced me to realize that I had put too much dependence on my husband for my own walk with Christ (ugh, I haven't used that terminology in a long time!) and it galvanized me to try to strengthen my own faith and stand on my own. Thing is, it also somehow gave me permission to address my own doubts more seriously than I had previously. After all, if he can lose his faith and still be a good loving husband, maybe it's not so bad. It took about 2 1/2 years for me to take the plunge as well.

 

Don't want to give either you or TABA unrealistic hope, but if your wives have any secret doubts, your honesty may be just the thing to tip the balance for them.

 

And Storm, it occurred to me that when she complains about losing the spiritual leader she thought she had, you might say something like, "I don't really think you need a leader. You are a strong, capable, wise woman in your own right. Why do you need a leader?" You will likely be the first person to have ever said that to her, and it will really throw her off guard and make her think!

 

I wonder if my wife entertains her doubts. I totally believe that she has them sometimes. We have had discussions about the unfairness of god, so I know she has the thoughts, but I wonder if she entertains them even a little. She is smart and I think she understands (or at least I hope she does) that I did not take my deconversion lightly and that she realizes that if I changed my views on christianity, maybe it isn't all that it makes itself out to be.

 

She did express her view that it doesn't matter why I changed my mind, she was going to believe regardless. Her first reaction, in tears, was that she was most afraid that she would not be living with me in eternity, but that I would be in Hell and that she would be with all her family and friends while I am not with her in Heaven. I showed her the passage in Corinthians ( 1 Cor 7:14) that states that I am covered by her belief. She looked at me quizzically and said "that doesn't make any sense". I agreed and said that it was this type of stuff that really made me start critically examining christianity. I left it at that. She has since talked to a couple of her friends and when we went on a trip this past week, we stopped into a bookstore that we frequent and she ended up buying "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormy O' Martian. This book purchase told me that her friends are encouraging her to pray for me and that God will lead me back home. I did make her promise me that she would not take their word regarding how I feel and why I left, but that she would actually ask me those things, and that I would tell her the truth. She agreed and promised to do so. We will see.

 

It will be difficult for her to leave Christianity. She is very entrenched in the MOPS group at our church (and it gives her a sense of purpose and value) and she has some good friends that she really enjoys in her life, all of whom are Christians. I don't think she wants to lose all that. She also uses Christianity as a coping mechanism for dealing with some recent deaths of close loved ones. While she toes the line at times in regards to living a secular life, she is doing as many Christians do, which is simply living as a Christian however it makes her feel the most comfortable, and choosing the things that she feels are relevant and discarding the things that she doesn't want to deal with.  She has no desire to change that, and to a point, I don't blame her. She isn't bigoted and she is actually pretty open to a variety of stuff, and isn't what I would consider a hardline Christian. She lives a convenient and comfortable Christianity and it seems to work for her.

 

I hope I haven't derailed this thread, but hopefully added to it and at least showed a little of what happens in the early stages of making choice number 3. As was said earlier upthread, each situation is different. You have to make the best calculated choice and be prepared to live with that choice. I hated living in the closet. It was hard, but I was willing to do it to keep my wife safe. Circumstances eventually led to my spilling the beans and I am glad that I can be myself around my wife, but I still keep it from my family and my in-laws. Time will probably reveal my decision eventually to them as well.

[Burny]

Like others have pointed out, your story is very, very common around here - you are certainly not alone. Let me share my similar experience which I chose option 3 and it turned out VERY DIFFERENT than I was expecting.

 

You mentioned that your wife told you that it would "not be good for her" if you leave the faith? My wife said very similar things when I was deconverting but it meant something quite different than I first thought. What I thought was that she might leave me. What it really meant was that it started her doubting it all herself, which obviously she didn't appreciate at first!!

 

To make a long story short, I never, ever in a billion years thought my upstanding, dedicated xtian wife would EVER abandon the faith, and yet here we are three years later and completely deconverted, including our two teenage kids. Obviously YMMV, but I think your wife is questioning things more than you know. I recommend the third option but in as slow and gentle way as possible.

 

It could be the best thing for your marriage - can you imagine a marriage completely free of all the religious crap? With the same women you are in love with now? That's the closest thing to Heaven IMHO. And it's worth the risks of losing it - especially if the only way forward is lies and deceit, even if they're only "little" ones.

[Eugene39]

Yes, it's a difficult decision. #1 will probably only last for awhile longer, because it sounds like she's somewhat on to you anyway. For me, it was one night I gently told her that I was no longer a believer. Then over the coming months, I'd sometimes go to church, other times not go; and eventually I got so tired of having to go to my "happy place" to survive church that I quit altogether. There were far bigger issues also involved, and my marriage did not survive. 

 

Florduh's take on this is extremely accurate. The only thing I can add is a quote from Kahlil Gibran - "If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

 

And it would nearly be negligence for me not to bring up Matthew 10:35 and Luke 12:53.

 

There's so many different ways this can eventually play its way out, and it's far too early to tell what will happen. Regardless, I wish you nothing but the best.

[qadeshet]

While I still think that #1 is still a good idea, for now, it's still going to come out. You might leave a copy of one of Bart Ehrman's books for her to find. Show her that even many Bible Scholars are becomming more skeptical. Ultimately she is going to have to decide if she can accept you as you are. If she can't, then it's better to find out now.

[TABA]

I would also advise you to treat your wife with respect in regards to her beliefs. While you may not believe anymore, and you may believe that what she believes is a bunch of horse manure, you cannot treat her beliefs with a lack of respect, because in doing so, you belittle her and will only cause her to get defensive. You can express your disagreement in her beliefs, but I recommend you don't mock them or belittle them. This will only cause more problems.

 

I suggest you go with number 3, but you must be careful how you do it. Know why you don't believe anymore, and give a well thought out response if asked. I think people generally respect differing opinions as long as they feel they are being treated with respect in regards to their own opinions.  I have come to understand that its easy to get emotional talking about religion with my wife and that it is hard to show why I no longer believe without it getting emotional. Christianity is heavy on emotion.

 

One other thing, I think that its such an ingrained belief that non believers lack morals or the ability to love or to be kind. Show her that its just not true. Love her more, and do so in a way that transcends christianity. Help others, be more giving. Be everything christianity wants you to be, but do it for yourself and for others, not for some imaginary god. This is the true value of life and love.

Thanks, Storm! Lots of good advice there, which I intend to follow. Appreciate your input. It does look like our situations are very similar.

[TABA]

I would personally lean towards number 1. I think that in a marriage relationship, you have to sacrifice your own needs and wants for the good of your wife. If you love her and want to be with her for the rest of your lives, maybe for now this is one concession you can make. However, I do agree that it's good to be honest about how you're feeling if she asks you.

Thanks, hockeyfan70! My love for my wife is absolutely a key driver of how I should act. I do think we can get to a place where we respect and accept each other's beliefs or lack thereof while still being strong partners in life.

[TABA]

If she loves you only on the condition that you agree with her and share her superstitious beliefs then you have already lost her, if in fact you ever had her at all. Conditional love is not love at all but rather a mutually beneficial arrangement. It sounds like you love her regardless of her beliefs, can the same be said for her? That is the real question.

Yes I am convinced she does love me and will continue to love me even if I don't believe. That doesn't mean she won't worry about my soul, but I think she will realize that my strengths (just like my weaknesses) are part of MY character whether I trust in God or not.

[TABA]

 

On the other hand if she wants you to lead some worship service or devote an unacceptable amount of time/money for church or basically do some religious crap you don't want to do, then tell her you dont want to do that. You don't necessarily need to explain that you feel Christianity is complete BS, she'll probably get that feeling from you anyway.

 

If her religious life is not impacting you, why impact hers?

No she doesn't expect me to participate in anything religious. I do go to church with her - my choice.

[TABA]

I feel like I need to start with a disclaimer here.  Any advice I offer would be based on my experiences with my wife.  Your marriage is obviously different than mine.

 

I am convinced that honesty in a relationship is nearly always the best policy.  Like it or not, religious beliefs or the lack thereof are a big deal in a marriage.  The easy answer is that you deserve to be able to live honestly and she deserves to know.  Getting caught in a lie would likely be far worse than her reaction to you being open about your disbelief.  Hypothetical scenario, how do you think she would feel if you forget to log off your computer at some point and she sees this thread?

 

Of course, if you think that honesty will cause serious problems in your relationship, you should play the long game.  I wouldn't tell her "there is no god and religion is bullshit".  A progression through your 3 choices would probably be a good way to go.

 

Atheists and christians can live together and have a good marriage, that is the marriage that I am in.  She's known that I am an atheist since long before we were married.  That is obviously different than your situation, as you shared your wife's religion when you were married.  I'm just including this to say that it is possible.

 

I wish you luck with whatever option you choose.

Appreciate your thoughts and support, WarriorPoet! If she did happen to see what I've written here, it would not be the worst thing by any means (and no I'm not being careless hoping in some passive-aggressive way that she will!). It would probably reassure her to see me tell people how much I love her. Maybe because of what her first husband did to her, and some things I did years ago, she has this lingering fear that I might leave her. Maybe most wives have that, I dunno. I wish I could convince her that I really am in this for life. My goal is to be gentle and respectful in questioning Christian teachings, not because I respect the BS but because I love and respect her.

[LongWayAround]

It has been about two years now that I have been an ex-christian.  It was about a three year process before that of reading the entire bible, researching various topics that I had questions about, praying that god would give me satisfying answers, then eventually coming to point where I realized I didn't believe.  After reading a lot of posts on Ex-C, I decided that I was going to tell my fundamentalist wife that I no longer believed but I was going to do it slowly over time and in small bite size pieces.  I started with expressing doubts about various christian topics then became more and more explicit about my unbelief.  There were some tough discussions along the way and my wife was extremely upset at times but two years later, religion is rarely a topic of discussion between us and I believe she accepts me as I am.  It was such a freeing feeling to be completely honest with her about my thoughts on religion. 

 

Each situation is different so you will have to decide which path is the best for you.  Without a doubt, reading about other's experiences and thinking ahead of time about the best way to approach the situation is bound to increase your chances of success.  Good luck with which ever choice you make.

[TardisThinker]

Personally I had to go with #3. I felt like the intimacy and authenticity of our relationship could be compromised if I wasn’t completely open. Also, it’s really encouraging to hear these different stories of interfaith marriages that survive and flourish. We hadn’t even been married a year before I stopped believing, and sometimes I worry. We’re doing pretty well so far, but still waiting for the dust to settle. 

[PragmaticIdealist]

Good advice. I, being a bit autistic, was always honest about my beliefs (or lack) and early on we were asked to be on a panel on "mixed marriage" at an evangelical Christian conference. I pointed out that most in the audience were evangelicals because their journey to God had caused them to change their beliefs. In an entire adult lifetime of marriage change is going to keep happening. Allowing the other person to grow and change, accepting and supporting them, is the definition of  unconditional love.

[tycoondon]

Catching this thread a bit late and you may have already decided what to do.  But I am living your situation right now.  I had done number 1 for 7 years.  But my wife recently used the church and the Bible to pour herself into because of a void in her life from losing her mom and our only daughter leaving for college around the same time.  So she has been full bore hard core Christian for about a year now.  About 2 months ago, I decided I had to switch to number 3.  But in my case, she's in so deep I can't just rip the band-aid off.  She will never allow herself to see the truth so starkly and quickly.  I've been chipping away starting with the obviously impossible to be true Noah story, the errors in the creation story, etc.  Starting with Old Testament stuff is easier because it doesn't take on Jesus directly but begins the process by which she can question the Bible which can then lead to questioning Jesus if she's already questioning the Bible.  It's going slow but I am being patient.  I'm also trying to get myself in a better financial position in case she were to leave.  I got laid off about a year ago and haven't taken another job because when her mom died we got a big inheritance.  And because we're moving I figured I'd just get a job there.  But there's a financial imbalance right now in her favor with her mom's inheritance.  So I'm going real slow number 3 until I get more ducks in a row.  But my point is that I'm afraid you will have to get to number 3 eventually.  That's what I'm finding anyway.

[GuyGone]

I've posted this concept in other threads, but few people (if any) gain or lose faith because they lost an argument.  For someone who was a nominal "meh" Christian to begin with, the struggle over losing faith is hard to understand.  But for a committed Christian, it is a long process, not an event.  And it usually requires a trigger (at least, that's how it seems to me).  For a "meh" Christian, losing faith is like wading out of water that is ankle deep.  You weren't in very far, so it's only a single step out.  But for someone who is committed, it's like wading out of water that is up to your neck; it's a long walk.  And nobody can expect their spouse to get out any faster than they themselves did. 

 

It's probably particularly hard for the nominal deconverted Christian because they have a harder time understanding why it isn't an easy decision for their committed spouse. 

 

I also think it's risky to take on the role of "atheist evangelist" to your spouse.  You don't have an atheist "great commission" to deconvert them.  Trying to will be hard on the marriage.

 

Also, I think it's a little risky to harp on inconsistencies in the Bible.  As an ex-pastor, I know that some of the inconsistencies are valid.  But I also know that some of them are very explainable, especially if there really is a God.  Sometimes atheists, the militant ones, grab onto things that aren't really valid arguments, if you start from the assumption that God exists.  And a Christian spouse starts from that assumption. 

 

One of the things that is bad for a marriage is if one spouse is determined to "win the argument".  You won't win, but you can destroy the relationship.  My wife knows where I stand, she isn't too crazy about it, but I'm not insisting that she agree with me.  I would say that no matter how any ex-Christian approaches it, it's important not to belittle or be condescending toward your spouse.  That is pure poison.