My Christian Wife: I Don't Know What To Do Next

[TABA]

I've posted this concept in other threads, but few people (if any) gain or lose faith because they lost an argument. For someone who was a nominal "meh" Christian to begin with, the struggle over losing faith is hard to understand. But for a committed Christian, it is a long process, not an event. And it usually requires a trigger (at least, that's how it seems to me). For a "meh" Christian, losing faith is like wading out of water that is ankle deep. You weren't in very far, so it's only a single step out. But for someone who is committed, it's like wading out of water that is up to your neck; it's a long walk. And nobody can expect their spouse to get out any faster than they themselves did.

 

It's probably particularly hard for the nominal deconverted Christian because they have a harder time understanding why it isn't an easy decision for their committed spouse.

 

I also think it's risky to take on the role of "atheist evangelist" to your spouse. You don't have an atheist "great commission" to deconvert them. Trying to will be hard on the marriage.

 

Also, I think it's a little risky to harp on inconsistencies in the Bible. As an ex-pastor, I know that some of the inconsistencies are valid. But I also know that some of them are very explainable, especially if there really is a God. Sometimes atheists, the militant ones, grab onto things that aren't really valid arguments, if you start from the assumption that God exists. And a Christian spouse starts from that assumption.

 

One of the things that is bad for a marriage is if one spouse is determined to "win the argument". You won't win, but you can destroy the relationship. My wife knows where I stand, she isn't too crazy about it, but I'm not insisting that she agree with me. I would say that no matter how any ex-Christian approaches it, it's important not to belittle or be condescending toward your spouse. That is pure poison.

I appreciate your thoughts, Guy! Your comments struck me as pretty much on target in my case. I know my wife is more heavily invested in belief in God than I was, and your advice makes a lot of sense. In fact I liked what you had to say so much that I went to Amazon and bought your e-book! I'm looking forward to reading it...

 

Just as a general update, my wife and I have pretty much avoided the topic of belief and unbelief for weeks now. Since she knew I was having serious doubts about Christianity, and since she surely knows that I would have let her know if I were 'turning back' to the faith, I think she knows that my silence speaks volumes. I guess I have a two-prong strategy in mind: firstly, be honest and answer any questions she may ask (without answering questions she doesn't ask) and secondly, be respectful of what she believes. Otherwise, everything with us is pretty damn normal; I don't want to give the impression that we're living separate lives or anything like that.

 

Thanks again to you and everybody that has chimed in! This is a good place to be!

[GuyGone]

Glad it was useful.  Hope you like the book.

[hockeyfan70]

I wouldn't suggest just handing a spouse or a friend or anyone else a brochure that talks about "How to deal with your newly secular person" but I did think that the folks at Openly Secular had some good resources. Here's the one about the spouse who's gone rogue:

 

http://openlysecular.org/for-spouses-and-partners-understanding-your-secular-significant-other/

[Leo]

Your response will be yours, but there has been a lot of good advice on here.

 

One mistake, grave mistake in fact, that I personally made. I assumed that my Wife believed as I once had. I am still not clear on why, for the past 15 years of my Christianity, She had been constantly on me about how I'd been more fervent when younger. But when I did come out, I was assuming I knew how She felt about things.

Best to ask. When a topic of this nature comes up, always ask her what her position is. I do not regret having come clean, even though it was difficult. Many things in life worth having are extremely difficult. But I do regret assumptions that I at one time made. There are things She still may have some trouble with at times.

 

The only other thing I'd say is always present yourself to her as her ally. And that of her friends. I don't know how intellectual a Christian you were, or whether you dived down the rabbit hole that is apologetics and ReasonableFaith and so forth. But many Christians don't. My Wife doesn't, and neither does my daughter. Unlike many secular people, I don't see this as shallow at all. Those of us who did, were merely trying to resolve the unresolvable doubts. Others have no such deep doubts, or are able to resolve them differently. And it's my belief at this point, that for them, their version of faith is extremely personal. So to them, a perceived attack on their beliefs is an attack on their person.

Oh, I do say "perceived" here because often it is unintentional. That can be the very hardest part. You try very hard, for their sake, because you love them. But you can miss easily.

 

But I think I try to remember everyone's Christianity seems to be or have been different.

[Voice]

You showed in your examples that your wife expects you to be christian, that it's important to her that she can be in a christian relationship.

 

I know a married couple who started out fundamentalist and over the years he drifted out of that. They're still together and doing well, but she is the kind of person who doesn't push her beliefs on anyone else. He stands for what he believes, she believes as she believes. It's working.

It depends on what your wife will accept/reject, and on whether you are tolerant of her beliefs. If you can come to a mutual understanding in this you could probably stay together.

 

It's not often healthy for married couples to have contrasting beliefs and try to stay together. Personally I hate conflict. I'd be the one to bail if she couldn't accept things.

[TABA]

The only other thing I'd say is always present yourself to her as her ally. And that of her friends. I don't know how intellectual a Christian you were, or whether you dived down the rabbit hole that is apologetics and ReasonableFaith and so forth. But many Christians don't. My Wife doesn't, and neither does my daughter. Unlike many secular people, I don't see this as shallow at all. Those of us who did, were merely trying to resolve the unresolvable doubts. Others have no such deep doubts, or are able to resolve them differently. And it's my belief at this point, that for them, their version of faith is extremely personal. So to them, a perceived attack on their beliefs is an attack on their person.

 

 

Leo,

 

I appreciate your input, especially the importance of respecting my wife's beliefs.  Sorry for not responding sooner.  I am amazed by the supportive atmosphere in this place, and grateful for the wisdom that you and others have shared.

 

Many thanks!

TABA

[Voice]

 

I would also advise you to treat your wife with respect in regards to her beliefs. While you may not believe anymore, and you may believe that what she believes is a bunch of horse manure, you cannot treat her beliefs with a lack of respect, because in doing so, you belittle her and will only cause her to get defensive. You can express your disagreement in her beliefs, but I recommend you don't mock them or belittle them. This will only cause more problems.

 

I suggest you go with number 3, but you must be careful how you do it. Know why you don't believe anymore, and give a well thought out response if asked. I think people generally respect differing opinions as long as they feel they are being treated with respect in regards to their own opinions.  I have come to understand that its easy to get emotional talking about religion with my wife and that it is hard to show why I no longer believe without it getting emotional. Christianity is heavy on emotion.

 

One other thing, I think that its such an ingrained belief that non believers lack morals or the ability to love or to be kind. Show her that its just not true. Love her more, and do so in a way that transcends christianity. Help others, be more giving. Be everything christianity wants you to be, but do it for yourself and for others, not for some imaginary god. This is the true value of life and love.

Thanks, Storm! Lots of good advice there, which I intend to follow. Appreciate your input. It does look like our situations are very similar.

 

Storm this is excellent advice, all of it.

[Storm]

 

 

I would also advise you to treat your wife with respect in regards to her beliefs. While you may not believe anymore, and you may believe that what she believes is a bunch of horse manure, you cannot treat her beliefs with a lack of respect, because in doing so, you belittle her and will only cause her to get defensive. You can express your disagreement in her beliefs, but I recommend you don't mock them or belittle them. This will only cause more problems.

 

I suggest you go with number 3, but you must be careful how you do it. Know why you don't believe anymore, and give a well thought out response if asked. I think people generally respect differing opinions as long as they feel they are being treated with respect in regards to their own opinions.  I have come to understand that its easy to get emotional talking about religion with my wife and that it is hard to show why I no longer believe without it getting emotional. Christianity is heavy on emotion.

 

One other thing, I think that its such an ingrained belief that non believers lack morals or the ability to love or to be kind. Show her that its just not true. Love her more, and do so in a way that transcends christianity. Help others, be more giving. Be everything christianity wants you to be, but do it for yourself and for others, not for some imaginary god. This is the true value of life and love.

Thanks, Storm! Lots of good advice there, which I intend to follow. Appreciate your input. It does look like our situations are very similar.

 

Storm this is excellent advice, all of it.

 

Thanks. It is a challenge to follow it all the time, but I have tried to make it work in my life. So far so good.

[FlowerDemon]

I have experienced what it's like to be the one who is a believer, while dating a non-believer. The reaction of my last boyfriend when I told him I became a Christian was unclear. He didn't really care that I went to church and read the bible, even though he took no interest in doing the same. he didn't seem to have a problem with it, however we would have discussions about religion and he would present to me his beliefs that were definitely not Christian. So even though he was respectful, he was also honest with me about his own beliefs without telling me that mine were wrong.

 

I haven't been married to someone who is a believer, while myself being a non believer though, so I know this is a different situation. Just realize that eventually you are going to have to be honest about it to her, and know that it will take time for her to ease into the change. It took my ex boyfriend (when we were togehter) a while to get used to me leaving early on sundays for church and whatnot. there's my 2 cents. best wishes