My Kids Questions

[Randinem]

Hi! I'm new here, but I've been lurking for awhile. I can't tell you how many times I've had a question and scoured through the boards until I found an answer and I am so thankful. Now I have one that I can't find an answer to so I thought it was time to put myself out there.

 

A very short back story on me… I grew up in a Mennonite church. I was married straight out of high school because, heaven forbid, I have sex or move out of my parents house before marriage. I got pregnant quickly, hubs freaked out and left just after our child's first birthday. A few years later I remarried an amazing guy and started attending his Methodist church where I was heavily involved, especially with children's ministry, for almost 10 years. I had always had a lot of questions, but thought that I would find the answers to all that in heaven. I believed wih every fiber of my being. I didn't even realized that I was losing faith until one day when it hit rather sunddenly while I was standing in my backyard. Everything snowballed after that and I went from full blown belief to mostly atheist in less than 6 months. Obviously there is more to the story, but I'll save that for later.

 

So my question is for those with children that you raised in the church. My kids are now preteen and teen. They have always been in church, had me reading edited bible stories at bedtime, had me teach them to pray, had me singing Christian songs, etc… Now they, especially the oldest, are worried about me burning in hell. The oldest has nightmares about it and cries while begging me to believe again. It is hurting her and I don't know what to do. I've never lied to my kids, I have always answered questions honestly and because of that, they come to me with everything. I don't want to lie to them, but I'm almost at the point of going through the motions of being a Christian for the sole purpose of easing her pain.

 

On a side note, current hubs has been going through this process of losing faith as well. I was always the christian leader in the home and the kids don't seem bothered as much my him. Sorry this became longer than intended.

[GuyGone]

From the kid's perspective, this is almost like finding out that mom and dad are splitting up.  It's like finding out that the parent who was most strict about avoiding sexual temptation has had an ongoing affair for ten years.  Basically, the person (you) who was the most diligent in raising them in Christianity has essentially told them that everything that came before was dead wrong.  And at their ages, with all of the growing-up uncertainty, this is a major blow.

 

I've said this in another thread, but the people who wrote the Bible weren't idiots.  They understood human nature, possibly better than we do since lives were more intertwined then.  Paul's admonition to be quick to forgive and slow to anger is good advice for anyone.  The warnings against making close associations with people who are controlled by  anger or bitterness or malice are very good warnings to heed, whether the rest of the Bible is true or not.

 

Maybe the approach you can take is to reassure the kids that the moral precepts in the Bible are still valid.  How you treat each other, how much you love them, all of that is unchanged.  You just are no longer sure that God is at the center of it.  But the important things, the way you make decisions regarding your life and your interaction with others doesn't depend on God.  That is, if you can only be kind, decent, loving, and avoid denial of reality in your life because God is watching, there is a problem with your motivation.  This might be an opportunity to point out the universal principles you have taught them (respect, self-confidence, thinking skills (I hope), recognition of reality wherever you find it, the worth of other people, the importance of character and integrity) are the same whether they are based on God or on their internal compass.

 

Don't try to actively deconvert them.  Take them to church if they still want to go.  Show them that your "mom" qualities are unchanged.  You can still use the Bible as a reference point for moral/character instruction, just don't make it about God.  If you have time to do the work, you can even find secular sources to reinforce the moral/character teachings in the Bible (the point being that not just Christians can live by these things).

 

If you want to go there, you could even use this to explain how difficult it is to let go of something you once believed.  Even Christians who stay Christians have to do this when they realize some aspect of their faith or their view of God or the way they put pastors on a pedestal or whatever, was wrong.  In other words, they may not come to the same conclusion you did, but they always need to be willing to adapt their beliefs to reality - never live in denial.

[LongWayAround]

My opinion is to be honest with your kids about what happened.  In the long run, I believe that they will respect you more.  The situation presents the opportunity to teach them an important life lesson.  That lesson is that is that no matter how invested you may be in something, if you acquire new knowledge that shows that what you believed is not true, you adjust your belief rather than adjusting facts to support your incorrect belief.

 

The other aspect that will be important during this time is to continue to show your kids through your actions that you care for them and that your feelings for them and motivations for taking care of them have nothing to do with your belief or disbelief in religious things. 

[qadeshet]

"If there is a 'god' who wants to send Mommy to Hell just for not believing, then he's a monster, not a nice guy at all." It's better not to lie or pretend with your children. Encourage them to ask questions.

[Randinem]

Thank you for your response. I am currently doing many of these things. My teen is active in her youth group, we attend Sunday church when they want to go (thankfully it's not that often), and we often talk about how difficult this deconverson was for me. Unfortunately, most of those conversations end in tears with her begging me to believe and me wishing I could give her that.

 

It is easier with my youngest. I haven't told her the extent of my unbelief, but we often have conversations about why someone wouldn't believe or how we would believe in something different based on the part of the world we live in.

 

I raised them to question everything around them, except religion. God was the only God, he was always right, and we were worthless without him. I don't want to change their beliefs, I would believe again if I could. I just don't want them desperately crying in pain because of the hell they think I will endure. I thought her pain would decrease with time, but it's been almost a year and the pain for her gets more intense every month.

 

I will say that we have had a (very) few decent conversations in the last month about why it was the bible that lead to my deconverson. Some of the stories that I read to her in edited versions, she is now reading herself edit-free.

[hockeyfan70]

It's a tricky thing when it comes to your kids.

 

On Sunday, I had a discussion with my seventh grade daughter as we were walking the dog, and I kind of freaked her out when I told her that I'm not sure that there's a god. Like you, she has grown up in the church (she was a preacher's kid since I was the preacher, well, actually worship minister). My whole premise was that we were kind people and we were going to continue to help others around us, just not within the confines of church. I told her that if you took a dollar and you gave it to the church, about 8 cents at most would go to help people outside the church, everything else would go for staff and benefits and building and church programs. So wouldn't it be better to just give the dollar to someone who really needs it? Anyway, she got stuck on the "I'm not sure there's a god" and told her mom and was upset about it, so I had to kind of readdress it in different terms. I didn't lie to her, I just told her that I was looking for the right answer and no answer is really satisfying but that doesn't mean I'm going to hell or anything. Because that's also what she's afraid of.

 

The people who are saying "just tell them the truth, they'll thank you later": do you even have kids? There's a huge responsibility as a parent to balance truth and love. Randinem, you know your kids, you know how they react to other situations. I would say in this situation, do the same. For some kids, perhaps the blunt truth is the right way. For my daughter, it definitely wasn't.

[LongWayAround]

The people who are saying "just tell them the truth, they'll thank you later": do you even have kids? There's a huge responsibility as a parent to balance truth and love. Randinem, you know your kids, you know how they react to other situations. I would say in this situation, do the same. For some kids, perhaps the blunt truth is the right way. For my daughter, it definitely wasn't.

 

Yes, I do have kids and they are grown now so I have the perspective of seeing what worked in the long run and what did not.  I stand by my original suggestion to be honest with your kids.  Pretending to be something you're not or avoiding the hard discussions because they're difficult will just add to the problems down the road.  That doesn't mean you have to be blunt or harsh or give your child more information than they can handle for their level of maturity.

 

I agree with your closing remark Hockeyfan, Randinem knows her kids and will be the best judge of what will work for them.

[Randinem]

It is tricky with kids hockeyfan70. I had been pushing my teen to be more active in the church and she pushed back. After I stopped believing, I stopped pushing. It's funny, my unbelief is what finally got her involved. Sign from God, I'm sure ????

 

LongWayAround, I agree with being truthful. That's why I am having a hard time with the thought of possibly lying to her. For a long time, it was just me and her and I've always been honest.

[sdelsolray]

Hi! I'm new here, but I've been lurking for awhile. I can't tell you how many times I've had a question and scoured through the boards until I found an answer and I am so thankful. Now I have one that I can't find an answer to so I thought it was time to put myself out there.

 

A very short back story on me… I grew up in a Mennonite church. I was married straight out of high school because, heaven forbid, I have sex or move out of my parents house before marriage. I got pregnant quickly, hubs freaked out and left just after our child's first birthday. A few years later I remarried an amazing guy and started attending his Methodist church where I was heavily involved, especially with children's ministry, for almost 10 years. I had always had a lot of questions, but thought that I would find the answers to all that in heaven. I believed wih every fiber of my being. I didn't even realized that I was losing faith until one day when it hit rather sunddenly while I was standing in my backyard. Everything snowballed after that and I went from full blown belief to mostly atheist in less than 6 months. Obviously there is more to the story, but I'll save that for later.

 

So my question is for those with children that you raised in the church. My kids are now preteen and teen. They have always been in church, had me reading edited bible stories at bedtime, had me teach them to pray, had me singing Christian songs, etc… Now they, especially the oldest, are worried about me burning in hell. The oldest has nightmares about it and cries while begging me to believe again. It is hurting her and I don't know what to do. I've never lied to my kids, I have always answered questions honestly and because of that, they come to me with everything. I don't want to lie to them, but I'm almost at the point of going through the motions of being a Christian for the sole purpose of easing her pain.

 

On a side note, current hubs has been going through this process of losing faith as well. I was always the christian leader in the home and the kids don't seem bothered as much my him. Sorry this became longer than intended.

 

 

Tell you children your truth.  Teach them to think for themselves and that you will support their choices in life (with some exception, i.e., drugs, crime).

[★ Citsonga ★]

 

The people who are saying "just tell them the truth, they'll thank you later": do you even have kids? There's a huge responsibility as a parent to balance truth and love. Randinem, you know your kids, you know how they react to other situations. I would say in this situation, do the same. For some kids, perhaps the blunt truth is the right way. For my daughter, it definitely wasn't.

 

Yes, I do have kids and they are grown now so I have the perspective of seeing what worked in the long run and what did not.  I stand by my original suggestion to be honest with your kids.  Pretending to be something you're not or avoiding the hard discussions because they're difficult will just add to the problems down the road.  That doesn't mean you have to be blunt or harsh or give your child more information than they can handle for their level of maturity.

 

I agree with your closing remark Hockeyfan, Randinem knows her kids and will be the best judge of what will work for them.

 

 

I also have children, and I also agree with being honest. We don't want our children lying to us, so why would we lie to them? Besides, if we do lie to them, then when they find out we've lied, it will be difficult for them to trust us. In fact, those who suggest lying are the ones whom I'd ask, do you even have children?

[Geezer]

Your children have been brainwashed & now their world is falling apart. This issues strikes me as serious enough that I would encourage you to seek professional help to deal with it. I was fortunate in that my children were grown & left religion on their own by the time I woke up & de-converted.

[ShackledNoMore]

Now they, especially the oldest, are worried about me burning in hell. The oldest has nightmares about it and cries while begging me to believe again. It is hurting her and I don't know what to do. I've never lied to my kids, I have always answered questions honestly and because of that, they come to me with everything. I don't want to lie to them, but I'm almost at the point of going through the motions of being a Christian for the sole purpose of easing her pain.

 

I think the best thing to do is to continue to be honest with them.  They're already getting glimpses of reality that can ultimately reassure them of their fears like the unedited bible stories.  You used to honestly challenge everything but religion and taught them to do the same.  Why did religion, and specifically the religious tradition that you were following, get a free pass?  Now, with your eyes open, you know that it is absurd to give one's religion a free pass, and you know why, and I'm sure you have insight into why you and others exempted their own beliefs from reason when you were still in the fold.  We don't stop growing and learning and gaining insight just because we get our adult cards, and by the time they're teenagers, kids have lost their allusions that their parents are all-knowing (statically all-knowing, at that).  When you talk to them honestly about what you've learned through you deconversion process, it will probably eventually become a little tough for them to hold on to the guise that you are now going to hell because you no longer believe, especially since they are still young.  Be reassuring, and I think your honesty will still pay off, as it has in the past.

 

At least that's my opinion.  I know it's scary that they're not guaranteed to break free of the delusion that you're going to hell.

[Randinem]

Thank you shacklednomore, I've decided to just be honest. She has been doing a lot better with it lately. She told me that she worries the most about me not being with her in heaven. We've had a few conversations without tears, we seem to be on a better track than before.

 

Geezer, I am looking into a therapist. It's been hard to find one without religious bias, but I found a promising practice today.

[Margee]

Thank you shacklednomore, I've decided to just be honest. S

Welcome to Ex-c Randinem. I'm so sorry for the dilemma you are in and  unfortunately many have to face what you are facing with your dear children. Make sure that you tell them that you yourself have been brainwashed by the trillions of people on this earth and that you decided to question some things and these are the conclusions you are coming to. Then let them explore with you and have fun discussions.

 

The best bible study for the kids (as far as I'm concerned) would be in the first book of Genesis. Take that book and ask them their opinions about how god made man from dust. How god made woman from a 'rib' of man. How god promoted Adam to go look for a helpmate amongst the animals before 'he' decided to cut Adam open and take a 'rib' to make a woman. Ask them if this sounds like a 'smart' god. Genesis is the silliest book in the whole bible and when you tear it apart, the whole house of cards fall. The rest of the bible was just mankind writing down his ancient points of view as in volcano's being gods anger, etc. Ask them if god and Adam and Eve were the only people existing in the world at that time, who stood outside the garden gates and wrote the whole account???

 

When I had a discussion with my 11 year old grandson about this, he said, ''Nanny, god sounds pretty stupid''!!

 

Best wishes and stay in touch here with Ex-c because the gang helped me figure so much in my own life. The people on this website are brilliant and know the bible better than any so called bible scholars out there in the world. Keep us posted hon.

 

((hug))

[Guest]

Hello, and welcome!

 

I was debating whether or not to respond, since I am not a parent. However, when you wrote of your oldest child and the nightmares and fear, your words struck a chord in me. My mother still believes, but my father, I found, has always questioned Christianity, and merely uses it to hide his sociopathy. Anyway! Still, I remember when my dad started doubting, and I was so confused! As a child, I think the best thing for me was counseling. Because of all the fear, there will need to be a lot of mental reprogramming and whatnot.

[Burny]

Welcome to ex-c and to freedom! The exact same thing happened with my wife and I, except we deconverted together. Our kids went from Mom and Dad believing 100%, going to church once or twice a week, praying, studying, going to a xtain school to parents who stopped praying, stopped going to church, put them in public school (the following year) and many other changes. They were 12 and 14 at the time.

 

My daughter LOVED deconverting. She always questioned things that didn't make sense and was scared of Hell. When she found out it was a fairy tale, she dove into science and skepticism like a glove.

 

My son had a much harder time. We found the best way was to be 100% honest with our kids. We obviously told them they could believe whatever they wanted and supported them going to church if they desired it. To be honest, within a few months everything was pretty much back to normal - just without the xtian crap.

 

Taking them out of the xtian school was by far the most traumatic thing we did but now they have TONS of new friends and are very grateful for what happened. But it was tough for that first year. Every kid will react differently but we found the hardest thing for them was discovering that life has very few fixed answers. They went from "God did it" to, "we don't know" - something that can be tough for kids.

[midniterider]

Maybe OP's kids could pray that His Will be done regarding whether or not Mom should return to the faith. Since Mom isn't returning to the faith then that must be God's will, eh?

[Guest Les]

The best thing you can do is try to understand where they are coming from. If they see that you're trying to understand them because of your love for them, they won't hold your atheism against you. In fact, they will perhaps even respect you more. I have no right to advise you on how to raise your children, but I gotta say that everything you do for them must be out of love, or they will sense that something is wrong.

[Randinem]

Thank you for your responses. It is getting a lot better. I have remained truthful, and even told our youngest what I believe. When I got to the why part she cut in and said 'Mom, I understand. Some things in religion just don't make since and I can see why you would stop believing'. She is 10.

 

My oldest has stopped attending the youth group she was going to after some things were said about LGBTs. She still believes, but for some reason this helped her to understand where I was coming from.