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Goodbye Jesus

Feeling Kind Of Glum And Cynical


directionless

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Around February 20th, I had an epiphany. I was feeling like I might have a nervous breakdown, then suddenly everything in my life both good and bad seemed to have been part of a purpose. I felt like I believed in God again too - even though my intellectual side was still atheist. There seemed to be hope for the future, and all my problems seemed manageable. Unfortunately that only lasted a couple of weeks. I've been hoping I could get that feeling back, but it isn't seeming to happen. I have one more thing I might try, but I can't get motivated. I was experimenting with an unapproved antidepressant for a couple of weeks before that all happened. Maybe if I use some more of that medicine for a couple of weeks, I can restore my faith. ... So that's where I'm at. It's unbelievable that I've sunk back to my old negative self so rapidly. How can an epiphany evaporate? Isn't an epiphany supposed to be a truth? How can truth evaporate? LOL - "what is truth?" as Pilate said.

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To the extent the new experimental drug affected you, it might be a good idea to discuss that with your professional advisor/therapist.

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To the extent the new experimental drug affected you, it might be a good idea to discuss that with your professional advisor/therapist.

 

Unfortunately, I'm sort of on my own. My therapist knows that I'm trying this, but she thinks I should try normal antidepressants again instead. The medicine is common and safe, but it isn't approved for depression yet. Assuming this is not the placebo effect, it works extremely well for me, but it only last half a day or maybe a day at most. What excites me is the possibility that experimenting with the medicine might have caused me to feel a sense of hope a week later. I suppose it is more likely that the nervous breakdown that I almost suffered might have caused my psychology to temporarily recover in the opposite state of extreme hopefulness. Probably I can't reproduce that feeling without going through another crisis. The medicine isn't very interesting to me if it only works for half a day. Supposedly some people experienced permanent recovery from depression after two weeks of this medicine in the trials, but I don't know the dosage they used and so forth. Also they were receiving the medicine through an IV. Another problem is that I have a limited supply of the medicine that was left over. Maybe a doctor would prescribe more for me, but I'm not certain. I've been trying to preserve what I have for emergency use when I'm extremely depressed. Maybe it needs to be used continuously for two weeks like the trials. I have no idea. *sigh*

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To the extent the new experimental drug affected you, it might be a good idea to discuss that with your professional advisor/therapist.

 

Unfortunately, I'm sort of on my own. My therapist knows that I'm trying this, but she thinks I should try normal antidepressants again instead. The medicine is common and safe, but it isn't approved for depression yet. Assuming this is not the placebo effect, it works extremely well for me, but it only last half a day or maybe a day at most. What excites me is the possibility that experimenting with the medicine might have caused me to feel a sense of hope a week later. I suppose it is more likely that the nervous breakdown that I almost suffered might have caused my psychology to temporarily recover in the opposite state of extreme hopefulness. Probably I can't reproduce that feeling without going through another crisis. The medicine isn't very interesting to me if it only works for half a day. Supposedly some people experienced permanent recovery from depression after two weeks of this medicine in the trials, but I don't know the dosage they used and so forth. Also they were receiving the medicine through an IV. Another problem is that I have a limited supply of the medicine that was left over. Maybe a doctor would prescribe more for me, but I'm not certain. I've been trying to preserve what I have for emergency use when I'm extremely depressed. Maybe it needs to be used continuously for two weeks like the trials. I have no idea. *sigh*

 

 

Regardless of what your therapist thinks what meds you should take, I suggest you discuss your experiences with this experimental drug with her.  There is no downside, and potential upside.

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To the extent the new experimental drug affected you, it might be a good idea to discuss that with your professional advisor/therapist.

 

Unfortunately, I'm sort of on my own. My therapist knows that I'm trying this, but she thinks I should try normal antidepressants again instead. The medicine is common and safe, but it isn't approved for depression yet. Assuming this is not the placebo effect, it works extremely well for me, but it only last half a day or maybe a day at most. What excites me is the possibility that experimenting with the medicine might have caused me to feel a sense of hope a week later. I suppose it is more likely that the nervous breakdown that I almost suffered might have caused my psychology to temporarily recover in the opposite state of extreme hopefulness. Probably I can't reproduce that feeling without going through another crisis. The medicine isn't very interesting to me if it only works for half a day. Supposedly some people experienced permanent recovery from depression after two weeks of this medicine in the trials, but I don't know the dosage they used and so forth. Also they were receiving the medicine through an IV. Another problem is that I have a limited supply of the medicine that was left over. Maybe a doctor would prescribe more for me, but I'm not certain. I've been trying to preserve what I have for emergency use when I'm extremely depressed. Maybe it needs to be used continuously for two weeks like the trials. I have no idea. *sigh*

 

 

Regardless of what your therapist thinks what meds you should take, I suggest you discuss your experiences with this experimental drug with her.  There is no downside, and potential upside.

 

 

Thanks, I have mentioned it to my therapist several times, and she is always dismissive. I haven't mentioned my theory that my temporary psychological improvement might have been connected to using this medication several times a week or two earlier, because the therapist is so dismissive. She seems to think I am into weird things that I find on the internet, and she doesn't care enough to read for herself. My sister is an MD, and I have tried to get her assistance in understanding some of these studies and how I might leverage them. The medication acts on different neurotransmitters, and I think that might give me a clue to what is wrong with my brain. Maybe I am deficient in some vitamin. My sister was encouraging, and thought my idea about vitamins might be good, but she is working a lot of hours right now. So I'm on my own as usual. I don't know the dosage. I don't know how frequently I should use it. I don't know if the benefits are placebo in my case. The side effects are kind of unpleasant. Plus I don't know if I can get any more of the medicine when I use it up. I wish I knew more about the research, so I wouldn't be shooting in the dark.

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To the extent the new experimental drug affected you, it might be a good idea to discuss that with your professional advisor/therapist.

 

Unfortunately, I'm sort of on my own. My therapist knows that I'm trying this, but she thinks I should try normal antidepressants again instead. The medicine is common and safe, but it isn't approved for depression yet. Assuming this is not the placebo effect, it works extremely well for me, but it only last half a day or maybe a day at most. What excites me is the possibility that experimenting with the medicine might have caused me to feel a sense of hope a week later. I suppose it is more likely that the nervous breakdown that I almost suffered might have caused my psychology to temporarily recover in the opposite state of extreme hopefulness. Probably I can't reproduce that feeling without going through another crisis. The medicine isn't very interesting to me if it only works for half a day. Supposedly some people experienced permanent recovery from depression after two weeks of this medicine in the trials, but I don't know the dosage they used and so forth. Also they were receiving the medicine through an IV. Another problem is that I have a limited supply of the medicine that was left over. Maybe a doctor would prescribe more for me, but I'm not certain. I've been trying to preserve what I have for emergency use when I'm extremely depressed. Maybe it needs to be used continuously for two weeks like the trials. I have no idea. *sigh*

 

 

Regardless of what your therapist thinks what meds you should take, I suggest you discuss your experiences with this experimental drug with her.  There is no downside, and potential upside.

 

 

Thanks, I have mentioned it to my therapist several times, and she is always dismissive. I haven't mentioned my theory that my temporary psychological improvement might have been connected to using this medication several times a week or two earlier, because the therapist is so dismissive. She seems to think I am into weird things that I find on the internet, and she doesn't care enough to read for herself. My sister is an MD, and I have tried to get her assistance in understanding some of these studies and how I might leverage them. The medication acts on different neurotransmitters, and I think that might give me a clue to what is wrong with my brain. Maybe I am deficient in some vitamin. My sister was encouraging, and thought my idea about vitamins might be good, but she is working a lot of hours right now. So I'm on my own as usual. I don't know the dosage. I don't know how frequently I should use it. I don't know if the benefits are placebo in my case. The side effects are kind of unpleasant. Plus I don't know if I can get any more of the medicine when I use it up. I wish I knew more about the research, so I wouldn't be shooting in the dark.

 

 

 

Ask her point blank why she is so dismissive.  Ask her what research she has done concerning the experimental drug.  Ask her what professional experience she has with the experimental drug.  Ask her for help with understanding it.

 

As to the vitamins, there's often situations where a vitamin deficiency (due to poor intake, poor absorption or genetic flaw) causes a variety of maladies.

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Ask her point blank why she is so dismissive.  Ask her what research she has done concerning the experimental drug.  Ask her what professional experience she has with the experimental drug.  Ask her for help with understanding it.

 

As to the vitamins, there's often situations where a vitamin deficiency (due to poor intake, poor absorption or genetic flaw) causes a variety of maladies.

I suspect my therapist simply doesn't have the time or interest to read about this type of stuff. She wants to spend an hour, collect the fee, and move on with the next patient - she doesn't want homework reading. I did mention my experiments to a medical doctor a month ago. She was very surprised that I was experimenting with this medicine for depression. She was neither encouraging nor discouraging. She tested me for vitamins and found that I was slightly deficient in B-12, and I have MTHFR C677T mutation that causes some vitamin issues.

 

I tried a dose today (first time in a month), and it was very effective again. I think the dosage I use is smaller than they used in the clinical trials, but it is hard for me to understand the descriptions of the experiments. I don't know why the government is taking so long to bring a drug to market. Some of the stuff I read is 10 years old. All the articles talk about how incredibly effective and fast-acting the medicine seems to be compared to conventional antidepressants, but it still hasn't been approved for depression.

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^ Interestingly, I'm beginning to feel more like I believe in God after taking the medicine. I suspect my lack of faith is partly depression.

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You might like the book "Listening to Prozac". Preter Kramer mentions this very thing-------on meds like SSRIs. people DO IN FACT experience religion differently. Your therapist needs to get up to speed fast. This book has been around a while. 

 

Also look up Phineas Gage. the guy with the railroad spike through frontal lobe. Totally changed his outlook on religion. 

 

Our brains matter and it is troubling to think meds can change it. 

 

At any rate, go with it. If I had a med that made me believe in the faith of my ancestors, I would take it. My faith was torn from me because of a lot of abuse.

 

You have a right to experience whatever comes your way in the form of religion. The point of this forum is not to argue you out of faith. It is just a safe place for people to come no matter how they are. smile.png

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You might like the book "Listening to Prozac". Preter Kramer mentions this very thing-------on meds like SSRIs. people DO IN FACT experience religion differently. Your therapist needs to get up to speed fast. This book has been around a while. 

 

Also look up Phineas Gage. the guy with the railroad spike through frontal lobe. Totally changed his outlook on religion. 

 

Our brains matter and it is troubling to think meds can change it. 

 

At any rate, go with it. If I had a med that made me believe in the faith of my ancestors, I would take it. My faith was torn from me because of a lot of abuse.

 

You have a right to experience whatever comes your way in the form of religion. The point of this forum is not to argue you out of faith. It is just a safe place for people to come no matter how they are. smile.png

 

Thanks, @RachelSkates :) Those are good points. I feel more apathetic about God today. Even yesterday I only felt a tiny hint of faith in God. I'm not so interested in religious faith, but I want faith that my live has served a purpose and will continue to serve a purpose. Faith in God seems to go with that... Anyway, I think medication is not doing as much to improve my mood now. It is supposed to last for three days, but it doesn't last that long for me.

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Directionless.... along with the right medicine, proper eating, sleeping and exercise, I always find that self talk is one of the most important things for the brain. Negative self talk can take me into  fearful, dark places...but  as soon as I change my thinking and practice new ways of  looking at things from a positive perceptive, I can become much more positive about my life and I become much more hopeful. And yes, it is a practice that one has to work on everyday.

 

As far as god goes, I've been telling myself everyday that it is OK to not  have all the answers. Just continue to try and be a good person while you're here on earth.

 

 As far as self talk goes, Henry David Thoreau says, A single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we need to walk again and again and again over the same path. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over  and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.

 

Maybe this video may help a little today.

 

Big ((hug)) for you...

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Directionless.... along with the right medicine, proper eating, sleeping and exercise, I always find that self talk is one of the most important things for the brain. Negative self talk can take me into  fearful, dark places...but  as soon as I change my thinking and practice new ways of  looking at things from a positive perceptive, I can become much more positive about my life and I become much more hopeful. And yes, it is a practice that one has to work on everyday.

 

As far as god goes, I've been telling myself everyday that it is OK to not  have all the answers. Just continue to try and be a good person while you're here on earth.

 

 As far as self talk goes, Henry David Thoreau says, A single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we need to walk again and again and again over the same path. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over  and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.

 

Maybe this video may help a little today.

 

Big ((hug)) for you...

Thanks, @Margee smile.png I started watching the video in your post, and it looks interesting. My therapist has been promoting similar cognitive behavior therapy ideas, but it takes repetition like you said. The medicine I have been testing on myself seems to make a huge difference. I feel better about a half hour after using it. I hope the FDA will hurry up and approve this medicine or something derived from it. They have been researching it for over 10 years. In Italy, you can buy this medicine over the counter. It's been used for various ailments for 100 years. The Nazis used it as a truth serum. Pregnant women used it to reduce the pain of childbirth. It was used as an antihistamine in the 1950s...  It is like a "thneed" from Dr. Seuss's "The Lorax" LOL

http://seuss.wikia.com/wiki/Thneed

 

Of course the benefit I have observed from the medicine might be the placebo effect. I am a very suggestible person, so I suspect I would be vulnerable to the placebo effect.

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