No Longer A "beautiful Daughter Of God"

[Guest]

I'm pleased to hear that things have been on the up for you, in spite of adversity. You are a shining example of the strength of the human spirit!

 

Aww thank you <3

[Guest]

Welcome Abijah !

 

I was touched by your testimony. I suffer from a mental illness too, and when I started to hear voices my family first took me to a pastor/faith healer/exorcist who put his hands on my head to remove the daemon from me. It was a very disturbing experience and for years I had panick attacks, afraid that I would feel or think bad things that would make me a prey for bad spirits again. I thought that my mental illness was the consequence of my rejection of the family's beliefs and therefore it drove me right back into fundamentalism for more than five years.

 

I think I understand how you feel. You were teached fear of judgement for as long as you can remember, and you never get to be a real teen with the right to experience and make mistakes. You probably already experienced some anger bursts thinking about the life you could have had if it had not been drowned in abuses, irrational dogmas and guilt. You said that you feel broken and I know exactly what you mean. I used to believe that I was broken, wicked, abnormal and sick. I want to tell you something : you are not broken. You are here today, expressing your feelings and searching for your true self, and you are able to do this because despite you were told to become something that You are not, you managed to keep alive all along a sparkle of your True Self. If you had become the" Beautiful Daughter of God", the real You would have been broken. It is not. You are hurt, you suffered a lot and you need to heal... but you are not broken. You are strong and you will find your way.

 

I would like to suggest you a book that really helps me in the process of knowing who I am and trusting my instinct. It is called "Women who run with wolves", from Dr Clarisse Pinkola Estès (Wikipedia will describe it to you better than me ). I found a lot of comfort in this book, it's inspirational and self-empowering. It gave me more confidence in myself that anything that I ever read or was told before, and I haven't even finished it !

 

Trust your instinct, trust yourself.

 

XXX

DD

 

Your words brought tears to my eyes. You're totally right: you do know how I feel at times! It's hard because I feel like I'm in limbo between feeling broken and feeling strong. I  can feel my sense of self transforming, but it's like climbing a mountain (I'm an outdoorsperson so that's all I can really compare it to). There are steady climbs, there are plateaus, and there are moments where I need to backtrack. Still, I keep going up. Thank you, again, for your beautiful, encouraging words. It's wonderful to know that I'm not alone.

[quinntar]

 

I'm only eighteen years old, but I promise the world I didn't just "fall away" in a stage of teenage rebellion. No, it was intellectual, because my heart still loves a nonexistent god and yearns to find its place in the church. Still, I fell away nonetheless.

 

I grew up in a tiny Presbyterian church, part of the PCA rather than the more liberal PCUSA. We breathed Calvinist doctrine and flaunted our theological knowledge everywhere we went. We didn't have any dress codes other than "don't cause men to stumble with those shorts," we didn't have any crazy odd family behaviors that were required of us. Instead, the abuse, manipulation and brainwashing was hidden. First, it was hidden in the basement of the church, where Sunday School was taught in a style very similar to that of The Good News Club. Full of shame, I remember clearly the horrific story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac, told to me when I was three. I remember my mom consulting a nine-year-old's mother to ask permission to teach about the rape of Dinah in the Old Testament. Two stories upstairs, the adults spoke of authority and submission quite frequently, as well as predestination and other Calvinist teachings. Since we were on a hill, the middle story was our ground floor and sanctuary. I colored quietly during the sermons, as I was required to listen no matter my age. I remember hearing many strange things that come back to me in blurry droves. I often felt afraid at that church, and everyone creeped me out. At home, my parents frequently read the Bible--lunch, dinner, bedtime. My father loved using it to make us obey. I remember one time when my brother wouldn't listen to him, he pulled out Proverbs 30:17, and told my brother, "if you don't obey, the ravens will peck your eyes out." My brother wouldn't step outside for the next 24 hours for fear of birds swooping down and killing him. This was the environment in which we grew up in. There was love and nurture from our mother, but she did not protect us from our father, and she enabled him greatly. I was homeschooled, only taught Creationism. I was never in sex ed. I was only allowed to read certain books. My mom parented me like one would parent a young child, only when I grew up, she didn't loosen her grip; she tightened it.

 

When I was fifteen years old, my parents separated (my dad was emotionally and verbally abusive, though the word "abuse" wasn't used) and my mom, brother and I began attending a local foursquare church that also had a Reformed/Calvinist background, though not as apparent. Even more insidious.

 

This was when I began to recall dozens of repressed memories of my father sexually abusing me and physically abusing my brother. I confided in my mentor at the church, and she actually believed me (big surprise, due to church history!). It was wonderful. I was set up with the church counselor, and all was well for about a year. I grew a lot, and learned a lot, though I was merely becoming more and more brainwashed, believing that God was healing me.

 

But things started to get weird. My PTSD plateaued and my mother chomped down on the bit and became extremely oppressive and controlling. The counselor told me that the reason I wasn't healing was because I had sin issues: I needed to submit to my mother, despite the fact that she was making choices such as locking me in the house alone for a week and taking my phone, as a consequence for yelling and disagreeing with her doctrine because it triggered me. Instead of being nurtured and comforted, I was shut down and triggered so horribly that, one time, I ended up hitting my mom. She called the police and they arrested me, which was very traumatic.

 

It was then that my church counselor refused to continue working with me, due to my "rebellion." She didn't address me specifically; she texted my mom. I began seeing a professional therapist who specializes in EMDR. She has been my guide and mentor for over a year now. When I started working with her, I stopped going to church. She didn't tell me to submit to my mom, but to follow my own faith. At this point, I was very into the "only grace" religious doctrine, which my mom deemed cultish and she began sneaking onto my computer and monitoring my activities, banning me from going to church or Bible studies with my friend if I didn't go to her guilt-hammering church.

 

I had come to the conclusion that, in accordance with the teachings of my mom's church, my sexual abuse was my fault. “God has a plan for you,” “God meant this for good,” “your suffering will end; you are like Job!” “Call out to Jesus! He meant for this to shape you into the person you’re meant to be…”

 

I spun it around and around in my mind: in accordance with the church doctrine that God ordains and predestines each person’s life, if my abuse was meant to make me the “beautiful daughter of God” I was, then doesn’t that mean that God didn’t just allow but meant for me to be a victim of incest?

 

“No, of course not!” they would tell me as they drifted off into their typical method of circular reasoning.

 

This was the last straw of my relationship with that church, and the Church in general. I was not a victim of my father; I was a victim of God.

 

I left even my grace-focused religious doctrine when my fellowship group did not accept me as bisexual. I just all-out stopped going.

 

Now, I live in a new town, and I have only recently realized how truly damaged I am from my upbringing. I recently got an STI and instead of nurturing me, my mother told me that the antibiotics wouldn't work, and I got triggered and believed for two days that I was going to die and go to hell for my sin of premarital sex. I have come to the conclusion that though I was severely sexually abused by three different people, including my father, the majority of my pain and PTSD comes from the religious trauma that I have undergone. I am here now, because I need resources, and I feel very alone. I feel broken, and I don't know what it will take to fix me again. I try to read articles about atheism but I am hammered with internal biases and I can't seem to understand anything about evolution, since it was never taught to me. Though I am doing great in my new life as an adult, learning things I never knew and doing things I was never taught, I am still barely keeping my head above water.

 

I am no longer a "Beautiful Daughter of God." All my resources are gone; everyone in my life has left me. My mother is emotionally abusive and won't stop badgering me for leaving the church. She prays for the destruction of the only healthy romantic relationship I've ever had, and hates my partner. My friends shunned me months ago, and I am only just beginning to rebuild.

 

There is hope, of course, and that is why I'm here. I am stronger than I've ever been, and I have found that I can do so much alone, by my own strength. It isn't God. It isn't other people. I'm a survivor and a fighter, and now it is my time to gather resources and learn what it means to heal from the bonds of religion. I am finally free!

 

If you have any resources that have helped you or those you know, please send them along. And to those going through this as I do, hey, you know you're not alone! We can do this!

They do it to themselves in the end, and you'll keep your freedom and what you've learned. Something that can't be taken from you.

[TardisThinker]

So I’ve been thinking about the mental illness aspect, and remembering how I was told I was possessed by “the demon of suicidality” and being prayed over in tongues and the church elders wanting to heal me by anointing me with oil and all that. And I am glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore because obviously it was all pointless.

 

But right now I’m also remembering the ways religion did bring me peace. The way no matter how bad it got, I had the feeling of being loved and the hope that everything was going to turn out good. Even if I had to wait until heaven, I felt assured that there would come a time when my mind would stay clear and all the foggy, painful bits would vanish permanently.

 

The good news is that eventually you’re able to find that peace and hope in the real world. It might take a while, but it’s out there. We just never found it because I think we never looked for it, because there was this unquestioned assumption that the ultimate peace and hope and wellness could only be found in god. 

[GirlOnFire]

Wow!  First of all (((hugs)))) to you - you've been through a lot!  Maybe it's the mom (or maybe the teacher, or maybe both) in me, but reading that, I just wanted to reach through the screen and give you a big ol' bear hug -- nobody should have to endure all that garbage!  While I know a lot of us have suffered a lot at the hands of various corrupt and evil churches, and our stories are all slightly different, there was so much I was able to identify with, at least on an emotional level.  The corruption and perversion of "God's word" really messes with your ability to see wrong for wrong.  It's kind of amazing that any of us were able to see the light through all that darkness and climb our ways out of all that control and abuse.  I guess that's a testament to our own human strength and resilience (not an act of god!)....and definitely a testament to yours!  I am so impressed by your strength and resiliency!

Also, I lived in Oregon (northern coast, west of Portland) for 15 years before moving back to where I grew up in CA.  People think Oregon is so progressive, but there are pockets of it that are so not!  Needless to say, I don't regret moving away from there for a second -- church culture was a norm and expectation where I lived.  So glad I'm out of there! 

[TerranceG]

 

 

Thank you! Indeed, the church tries to comfort us but fails.

 

I figured I couldn't end on a cynical note, because that's not how my life is! It's not all cyncism and fear, though I have my many moments. I am experiencing more peace and joy than ever, though, and I had to point that out! Again, thank you for your support and care!

 

I'm so incredibly sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered. I've also only recently arrived here on the forum and am enjoying connecting with those of similar upbringing and fellow skeptics.

 

You may find that leaving religion is a long and arduous process of accepting what used to seem unpalletable and replacing the old comforting beliefs with new and superior ones.

 

Purpose: why are we here?

Protection: who's watching out for me?

Morality: can I be moral without God?

Meaning: is it all just random and meaningless?

 

I struggled with all of these questions for years after leaving faith behind. It can be traumatic to lose the comfort of believing that you know why you are here and who has a plan for you.

 

One of the hardest concepts for me to grasp was to think of myself not existing any longer at some point. Transcendence had always been a given. So I just won't be anywhere anymore when I die? So hard to even imagine. Of course there are other forms of spiritualism that can be adopted, but if you can't believe them...it can be a real struggle to accept.

 

For me personally, I've found more meaning in life than I ever could have as a Christian. Life means what I decide that it means. Beauty exists where I find it...and the fact that I am in control of that makes those things even more purposeful and beautiful.

 

Surround yourself with other compassionate and thinking people who can nourish you in ways that no superstitious person could ever fathom. There is so much beauty and purpose ahead of you. Enjoy every second of this brief and precious life.