Re-Writing My Extimony: Connecting The Dots

[yunea]

I hope this is OK. In January 2015, when I stumbled upon here, I was a mess and couldn't explain half the things that had just happened to me. I've come very far from there, and am now much more ok with actually telling my story. Perhaps this will help someone who's lurking.

 

So I was made to join my country's  Lutheran state church as a baby, as most babies did in the 80's (and still do). My dad has never talked about religion in front of me, but my mother raised me to be at least heavily superstitious. She is a paranoid schizophrenic who went from belief in UFOs to belief in Jesus to short periods of intense anti-theism, and then back to UFOs, Jesus etc. As a child I had a hard time deciding what to think about it, but an undertone of "it can't ALLLLL be bunk" was in my mind. 

 

I also was pretty seriously traumatized by some things in my early childhood, and my current understanding is that I started dissociating at an early age to cope with it. In other words I could imagine I was somewhere else, feeling something else, and to an extent it would happen. I also had pressure to switch from one kind of behaviour to another very quickly to please my mother, and my mind had to adapt. I was doing a type of self hypnosis without knowing it, and taught myself to be extremely suggestible. Add to this years of daily bullying at school, poverty, other illnesses in the family, my autistic traits that went undiagnosed until I was an adult and seeked for help by myself, etc.

 

I grew to a teenager with all this in my history and a broken heart on top of it. I wound up in a Pente church that was heavily influenced by the Toronto revival. They really seeked to feel things and to get to use the "gifts of the spirit". I watched for a while, and soon started to wish I felt the way the others did when they looked so happy praying in tongues. Not terribly long after that I spoke in tongues myself, would fall over "slain in the spirit", and felt really happy because I finally had someone to tell me what to say and do. Yes, indeed, I wanted an authority figure to trust. 

 

Within a year came a catastrophe. I felt strongly pulled by God to serve him in various ways, and at the same time my mom, who was a Christian at the time and had originally been very excited about my conversion, said this same God told her I was going crazy. I couldn't understand, but I was still a minor and living at home. The result was that I had to stop going to the Pente church after lots of fighting with my mom. I was reduced to almost the original "but it couldn't ALLLL be bunk" attitude, the only thing that kept me from becoming agnostic was that I'd experienced a huge removal of chronic pain (I was to learn much later that hypnotic phenomena certainly can include that). Also this time I never stopped praying to Jesus. I thanked him under my breath when I walked up a flight of stairs, and for every other little happy thing really. I didn't dare to speak in tongues because at the same time I was afraid my mom was right. I didn't go to church but I secretly told some friends I believed in Jesus. So in a way I was a horrible Christian, but I was one somewhere deep in my heart, and I thought it was the only thing that mattered in the end, and that God would understand.

 

Years went by, I went to university at 25, and my chronic pain came back. This time I went to a real doctor and physiotherapist, and got the pain under control. I explained to myself that God was teaching me to take care of myself with the pain. However, some other problems from my past started weighing on me and I fell into full-blown burn-out. Before that, when I still could function, I'd started experiencing "energies" of people. I googled and googled, and the only place where anyone talked about what I was talking about was a New Age web community. I dove in headfirst, constantly praying to Jesus that he'd protect me from anything he didn't want me to get involved in.

 

I was blind to how I was actually very, very ill with depression and the childhood trauma that hadn't healed. I was nearing psychotic, I'm afraid. I was already in a state that I could not leave my apartment at all on some days, when I broke off my engagement of several years. A week from that, my brother suddenly died. How much bad can one person have during one short spring? I don't know, but that was quite a heavy load. I eventually stopped all attempts at studying (not that I was able to do almost any of it at the time), thinking God had stopped me and closed doors to open new ones, or something. 

 

I got into astrology, oracle cards, energy healing, the whole New Age show. More and more prayers to Jesus always followed. I always addressed him the way I thought was safe - as the Only Son of God, my Protector, the Strongest there Is, Stronger than Any and All Evil. I met some clairvoyants and was happy to hear they believed in Jesus too, but needless to say they said some very strange things to me. I kept noticing stuff that I thought was God telling me he was watching and guiding me. White "angel feathers" on the ground, I'd be running late to a train that was a minute more late to leave, things just kind of worked out "too well" all the time to be mere coincidences - or that was what I told myself. 

 

Nothing EVER happened when I asked Jesus, "is this really right with you? I want you to give me a sign if you're not ok with this, and I will stop this". Instead I just got happy vibes and a fluttery feeling in my heart that things would be ok in the end if I just kept going. This played a huge part in why I wound up abused very severely. 

 

Near the end of everything, my abuser faced me with a choice. I felt that Jesus was really really pushing me hard to say "yes" to it with all these mental images of walking through wonderful open gates. That was when the whole thing started to fall apart. For months I had prayed for "thy will be done" every day, but in the choice I was faced with, the "yes" of it was so hazardous that even in that state of mind, my self-preservation instinct refused it. I said no to the choice, and watched my abuser go through it alone instead and suffer just like I feared. It was all very strange, I couldn't see it coming any earlier, and I was terrified that everything had been a huge mistake. I hoped hard that things would work out somehow. However, things didn't go my way at all, and for a moment everything seemed to be ruined. For a moment I could see no way out. I would have committed suicide or at least serious, possibly permanent self-harm if my bf (with whom I live with now) had not physically held me down. 

 

I don't remember very well what happened next. I was catatonic on some days, I'd lose my ability to speak, I had moments of complete and utter emptiness and I felt surreal. My senses didn't function and I wore sunglasses inside. I'm not sure why I didn't end up in a hospital then already. For a while longer I still believed in God/Jesus, but I "knew" he wasn't on my side, he'd just wanted to see how far he could make me go. I prayed that he'd never talk to me again. I had very little left to look forward to. A few months later I was so suicidal, I called an ambulance on myself so that I'd finally be medicated. It was the right choice. With the SSRI's I got, the intense self-hating voice in my head shut up, and I could start picking up the pieces. 

 

I still had my university membership, and with my bf's help I arranged for my studies to continue. Somewhere along the way I was asked why I allowed myself to be abused. That was when the crisis came back - I realised I had truly thought it was all God's will and even straight answers to my prayers. I felt horrible, but started to understand that I had no evidence that God was there at all. A few months after that I was agnostic, and then I was on this website.  

 

Now I'm atheist (with anti-theist tendencies), my studies are going well, and I was able to come off my SSRI a month ago. I feel more stable than possibly ever because I now understand my dissociation, suggestibility, as well as my autistic traits.

 

The thing is, Jesus and God felt so real to me because I actually had alters to play them. They could make me feel loved, even physically hugged, and they could put thoughts in my head - of course they could, as they were parts of me. The encouragement they gave me was basically me all along, too. My severe depression and disappointment in myself made me want to destroy myself, and feeling pushed further into abuse was one of the many ways it manifested.

 

I recently cancelled my membership of that old Lutheran church. It was surprisingly relieving.

 

The Jesus alter is gone now. The God one now plays a lamp inside my mind. What an ironic light of my life. 

[Margee]

I hope this is OK. In January 2015, when I stumbled upon here, I was a mess and couldn't explain half the things that had just happened to me. I've come very far from there, and am now much more ok with actually telling my story. Perhaps this will help someone who's lurking.

 

 My severe depression and disappointment in myself made me want to destroy myself, and feeling pushed further into abuse was one of the many ways it manifested.

 

 

 

Darling yunea, thank you so much for sharing your journey. I have been on Ex-c for over 5 years and am still connecting the dots so please always write out how you are doing. I wrote and wrote and wrote when I first arrived here because I was so incredibly confused.  Religion can be so damaging. Families who are brainwashed can damage even more. I could relate to so much of what you wrote, right down to my sister dying during a terrible time of confusion. I'm so sorry for all the pain you have been through but I'm so glad you are putting the pieces of the puzzle of your life together now. It takes time to create a new world view. Continue to go easy on yourself hon. Thank you for all the contributions you have made on this site. Your testimony will greatly help someone else and that's why we are here.

 

I give you the biggest ((hug)) today. 

 

Like florduh used to say to me all the time......''Now go and have some fun!!'' 

[Guest]

Yunea, your story is so inspiring. It reminds me to keep fighting, no matter what. You have done so many great things for yourself and taken some huge steps toward healing, which is really good to hear. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself! Keep doing that And honey, remember that having autism isn't a disorder or a horrible problem. My parents used to tell me that a lot, and it got to me. I don't know what feelings you may have regarding the subject, but I just wanted to throw that out there. <3

[yunea]

 

I hope this is OK. In January 2015, when I stumbled upon here, I was a mess and couldn't explain half the things that had just happened to me. I've come very far from there, and am now much more ok with actually telling my story. Perhaps this will help someone who's lurking.

 

 My severe depression and disappointment in myself made me want to destroy myself, and feeling pushed further into abuse was one of the many ways it manifested.

 

 

 

Darling yunea, thank you so much for sharing your journey. I have been on Ex-c for over 5 years and am still connecting the dots so please always write out how you are doing. I wrote and wrote and wrote when I first arrived here because I was so incredibly confused.  Religion can be so damaging. Families who are brainwashed can damage even more. I could relate to so much of what you wrote, right down to my sister dying during a terrible time of confusion. I'm so sorry for all the pain you have been through but I'm so glad you are putting the pieces of the puzzle of your life together now. It takes time to create a new world view. Continue to go easy on yourself hon. Thank you for all the contributions you have made on this site. Your testimony will greatly help someone else and that's why we are here.

 

I give you the biggest ((hug)) today. 

 

Like florduh used to say to me all the time......''Now go and have some fun!!'' 

 

 

Thank you Margee. You know, it never occurred to me before that the loss of a sibling when things are already bad actually connects us, even though I've read about your sister before. The details may be different, but there were still countless questions left unanswered, and everyone was devastated for a long time. 

 

I also have to mention I've gone back to your ex-timony several times to re-read it, because every time it makes me think and feel so much. Thank you, once again, so much for originally writing it and keeping the link up. 

 

It's quite a journey, and what a thing it is to slowly learn to love and trust myself instead of what we're taught in cults. I still have a lot to learn about it, but what I have so far is so much better than thinking I need to be saved and guided.

 

Here, have a biiig ((hug)) back. We're having sauna tonight!

[yunea]

Yunea, your story is so inspiring. It reminds me to keep fighting, no matter what. You have done so many great things for yourself and taken some huge steps toward healing, which is really good to hear. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself! Keep doing that And honey, remember that having autism isn't a disorder or a horrible problem. My parents used to tell me that a lot, and it got to me. I don't know what feelings you may have regarding the subject, but I just wanted to throw that out there. <3

Thank you Abijah, I'm really glad to hear if someone finds my story helpful.

 

I understand what you're saying about autism and I appreciate the thought. <3 However, personally I do think it is both a strength AND a problem. My attention to detail makes me great at math and coding. I love the way I can focus on a single subject and get an insanely good feeling out of it, and I'll remember tons and tons of stuff about it for years. But on the flipside, I need accommodations at university for my sensory issues, I don't do groupwork well at all, and I do wish I could join in and enjoy spontaneous social situatios more in my free time. I try to view my problems as things I just need to work extra hard at, though, not as permanent handicaps. I believe I'm flexible.  

No one needs to be told that the way they are is horrible though. I'm sorry your parents have done that to you.

[Guest]

 

Yunea, your story is so inspiring. It reminds me to keep fighting, no matter what. You have done so many great things for yourself and taken some huge steps toward healing, which is really good to hear. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself! Keep doing that And honey, remember that having autism isn't a disorder or a horrible problem. My parents used to tell me that a lot, and it got to me. I don't know what feelings you may have regarding the subject, but I just wanted to throw that out there. <3

Thank you Abijah, I'm really glad to hear if someone finds my story helpful.

 

I understand what you're saying about autism and I appreciate the thought. <3 However, personally I do think it is both a strength AND a problem. My attention to detail makes me great at math and coding. I love the way I can focus on a single subject and get an insanely good feeling out of it, and I'll remember tons and tons of stuff about it for years. But on the flipside, I need accommodations at university for my sensory issues, I don't do groupwork well at all, and I do wish I could join in and enjoy spontaneous social situatios more in my free time. I try to view my problems as things I just need to work extra hard at, though, not as permanent handicaps. I believe I'm flexible.

No one needs to be told that the way they are is horrible though. I'm sorry your parents have done that to you.

 

It sounds like you have a really healthy view of everything! I apologize if that came off condescending or anything! <3 

[directionless]

I enjoyed reading your extimony.   It is important to describe how religion inflames mental illness in many people (including me).

[yunea]

I enjoyed reading your extimony.   It is important to describe how religion inflames mental illness in many people (including me).

Thanks directionless!  

I wholeheartedly agree. It's scary to look back and see how I ignored so many symptoms, thinking they were God's work. There must be countless people who aren't getting help for this reason.  

[yunea]

 

 

Yunea, your story is so inspiring. It reminds me to keep fighting, no matter what. You have done so many great things for yourself and taken some huge steps toward healing, which is really good to hear. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself! Keep doing that And honey, remember that having autism isn't a disorder or a horrible problem. My parents used to tell me that a lot, and it got to me. I don't know what feelings you may have regarding the subject, but I just wanted to throw that out there. <3

Thank you Abijah, I'm really glad to hear if someone finds my story helpful.

 

I understand what you're saying about autism and I appreciate the thought. <3 However, personally I do think it is both a strength AND a problem. My attention to detail makes me great at math and coding. I love the way I can focus on a single subject and get an insanely good feeling out of it, and I'll remember tons and tons of stuff about it for years. But on the flipside, I need accommodations at university for my sensory issues, I don't do groupwork well at all, and I do wish I could join in and enjoy spontaneous social situatios more in my free time. I try to view my problems as things I just need to work extra hard at, though, not as permanent handicaps. I believe I'm flexible.

No one needs to be told that the way they are is horrible though. I'm sorry your parents have done that to you.

 

It sounds like you have a really healthy view of everything! I apologize if that came off condescending or anything! <3 

 

Thanks! And oh, no, not at all!  <3