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Goodbye Jesus

How To Stop Turning The Other Cheek And Being Meek?


Wittyusername

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Due to a number of factors I am like this now.

• culture where deferring to those older or in authority is expected and demanded.

• church which liked the whole 'man is the head of the woman' thing

 

• Family where you tried to please your parents and not make them upset with you.

 

• strong theological push by church on

- obedience to those placed in authority over you

- turn the other cheek

- blessed are the meek

- do everything without complaining or arguing

- trust in God to intervene on your behalf in any dispute

- lean not on your own understanding

 

How convenient that those elements create an easily governed congregation.

 

I have a hard time standing up for myself, answering back. If someone pushes into the queue in front of me I don't know how to react. I used to be like 'oh God is watching and will make everything right' ' he has a plan for you'.

 

I know there are many outspoken Christians and sting opinionated women etc. But the way it manifested in me was extreme meekness. How do I stop being this little mouse?

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Assertiveness training? Negotiation classes?

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I struggle with this also. Over the years I've been learning to not take shit from people, but it's hard. Slow. I pre-package a lot of responses for behaviors of others common enough to recognize, things I can say when I see things happen. Premeditation. I'm only recently even able to retort things real time. I de-converted 30 years ago.

You have to identify how you feel about things that happen, put words together in your head for the next time they happen.

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I don't know how old you are, but I can tell you that with age comes a certain "I don't give a shit anymore" attitude that is heavenly. ;).

 

Until then, try asserting yourself one time on a small scale. Just try saying "no" the next time someone asks you to do something you would normally say yes to, but really don't want to. You will probably find that the person will look at you funny, but probably not react badly. It will feel empowering when you do it. Then do it again when you have the opportunity. Keep doing little things like that until your confidence builds enough to start speaking your mind. You can do this! The world will not end!

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I have the same problem. Since being on here it had been a lot better. I was going to write a really long reply about specific instances in my life lately where I have done things to get over it, but Ithe would be too much to get into. I would say, write it all down over and over, don't be afraid of looking bad. Have someone there with you who supports you if you have to be direct. There is no shame in needing support. Especially if you are facing a bully. I realized recently that my bully is my mother in law, and I don't owe her the decency to talk to her face, her behavior is so grossly inappropriate. You do not have to face an abuser,you don't have to make yourself vulnerable there is no shame in writing a pointed letter telling get them no fuck off, and why, and never giving them the chance to respond. Idk if that is the kind of treatment you are referencing, but writing was the way for me. That's how it started. Now I have a much easier time speaking get up. Idk

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     Learn to pick your battles.  Being assertive is not the same as being combative.  So you can choose what and when to assert yourself without your "meekness" being an issue.  A good way to start is to break an engagement (to a party or some social event you don't really wish to attend).  You'll probably feel guilty about it since you're used to going for the sake of going but do something you enjoy to help overcome these feelings.  Don't lie your way out of the situation.  Just tell them you won't be attending (or if you've already agreed to go tell them you won't be going after all).  Don't give into pressure to go just refuse (be assertive) and be done with it.  You'll feel good about yourself once you get a few of these under your belt and be ready to move onto other things.

 

          mwc

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As I've said before, I think there are three kinds of people in the world: 

 

1) Those who struggle when someone doesn't like them, so they spend an inordinate time trying to get that person to like them.

 

2) Those who struggle when someone is upset with them, or when they feel like they let someone down, so they spend an inordinate time trying to rectify the situation (which can easily be taken advantage of by narcissists and sociopaths) (this is me by the way).

 

3) Those who either haven't struggled with the above two or have figured out how to overcome either 1 or 2 through gradually moving out of those struggles.

 

I think the more you give yourself permission to either understand that not everyone is going to like you, or to understand that sometimes you're going to disappoint people and upset them, you will be able to become more assertive (not combative as mwc said) and won't be a doormat. Which I'm trying really hard to change about myself.

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Florduh has a good suggestion. Do a net search for "assertive rights." I took an assertion training course many years ago and it was quite helpful.

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