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Goodbye Jesus

My De-Conversion Story, Part 1


SkepticalDaniel

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Hello, my name is Daniel, and to anyone who reads this, it pleases me to know that you’ve taken the time to do so. This will be the first document in a series of stories that will explain why I de-converted from Christianity, all the parts will tell the same story, but from different angles. If you’re a new skeptic or a doubting Christian who might be reading this, I highly encourage you to do so. Now, without further ado, let me explain in detail about what happened…

 

I was born in a Methodist family with two of the greatest parents that I could ever ask for. My mother and father sacrificed everything for my livelihood and future so that I can be everything that I am today. Growing up, I had two friends (who I’m still in contact with even till this day). As children, we all had so much fun playing Power Rangers together and what not, and we also went to the same Methodist Church together, so it was a really fun childhood. However, both my friends moved away to Florida, which caused me to withdraw socially. The Methodist church that we went to was a well-proportioned facility with a playground for the children, nurseries, and a chapel for prayer. As a child, church really wasn’t all that interesting – especially when you have a whole lot of energy. I would sometimes misbehave in those classes because I was bored, like for instance, running out of the rooms and slamming the legs of the plastic chairs onto my foot, one of the male church leaders scolded me greatly for it. There were things that I actually did remember from those early days. Basic things, like, the Ten Commandments, and there were stories in the Bible that I did like a lot actually, such as David and Goliath, Noah’s Ark, Jonah and the Whale, and of course, Daniel and the Lion’s Den. However, I never knew what would happen to people when they die. I remember when I was either 3 or 4; I was talking with my dad about this. My dad told me something like this: he said, “When good people die, God says ‘You go to heaven.’ But when bad people die, he says ‘You’re not going to heaven.’” – Well, where do they go? I wondered, not knowing years later, I would get a rather horrifying answer.

 

I started school when I was 5 years old, and because of my social awkwardness, I withdrew from the other children. I had some "friends" at that school, but most of the time they left me, turned against me, backstabbed me or bullied me, so as you could imagine, I didn’t really trust anyone at that school very well. However, the one thing that did give me comfort was knowing that God was on my side, and knowing that he was with me, even when my mother dropped me off at school. It was around 7 years old when I was formally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, which explained the reason for my social awkwardness. Around 8 years old, I finally got the answer to my question about what happens to bad people when they die according to the Christian worldview. They go to a place called, Hell, a realm of eternal fire, torment and “weeping and gnashing of teeth” as it says over, and over, and over, and over again in scriptures of the New Testament. It was an experience that I would never forget. One Sunday, our whole family was in church, and our pastor was conducting a sermon about Matthew chapter 13:

 

“He answered and said unto them, He that soweth the good seed is the Son of man; The field is the world; the good seed are the children of the kingdom; but the tares are the children of the wicked one; The enemy that sowed them is the devil; the harvest is the end of the world; and the reapers are the angels. As therefore the tares are gathered and burned in the fire; so shall it be in the end of this world. The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.”

 

– Matthew 13:37-42

 

The grizzly, brutal, violent, hateful and sadistic description of Hell terrified me, and that fear stayed with me for the next several years, in which it accumulated for the next 3 years and got worse over time. I couldn’t understand it at all! Why would the God of the Bible, “loving” as the people who worship him claim that he eyes later do something so brutal and so cruel to his own creation? How could he take such pleasure to describe the “wailing and gnashing of teeth” within the fires so many times within the New Testament? This terror was one of the greatest fears that haunted me throughout my entire life. As an 11 year old boy, the thought of dying and ending up in the endless fires of Hell frightened me so much. I tried to not think about it, but no matter what I did, it would always seem to come back in some way.

 

I was twelve years old when I started sixth-grade, and I was looking forward to it. I was finally out of what I believed to be my worst possible time in school ever the previous year – but that’s a whole different story. Anyway, a year prior, my dad had given me “the talk.” So I had a pretty vague idea about how sex and puberty worked, and boy did it ever work when I was in sixth grade. Everywhere I looked around in my middle school; there were lots of pretty girls. However, I was very shy at the time, so I could never really talk a lot with them. At that time in my life, I had begun to really resent the Ten Commandments, but I had to no choice but to believe them, because if I didn’t… well, you know what would happen. So sixth grade came and then ended, much like any other school year as well did seventh grade, which I will not bother to mention, frankly because there is nothing to mention about that year that I’m aware of. Eighth grade, on the other hand, was the more pivotal year. I was fourteen at the time. In that time, I’d become even more attracted to girls, but I was extremely shy to tell anyone about it, even my own family. It was at age fourteen when I began to become – shall we say, “Anti-social?” I didn’t like school at all; it was just another obstacle to get through in life, as well were the students in my classes. There was a particular group of students in my eighth grade class that I couldn’t stand at all. They were the jockey sort of guys, the kind who the girls like and well-respected. I hated them, they would always tease me. So, like the rest of those years, eighth grade ended as soon as it came, and it was off to high school.

 

 

It was my freshman year of high school where I can truly say that I developed actual, legitimate romantic feelings for another person. She was a young, pretty blonde soccer player with a heart of gold. Her skin was beautiful as well and her eyes were bright. I remember one day in class, she was wearing a pair of denim shorts. I thought her entire form was beautiful; it was interesting, and I desired it, just like any normal, heterosexual fifteen year old boy my age would. I don’t know why, but, for some odd reason, she was kind to me my first year of high school, which was something that I honestly was not expecting from a very pretty girl like herself. Why was she being so kind to a socially awkward boy like me of all people? No one had ever done that to me before in middle school the previous year. Perhaps maybe this was because of her Christian faith? So, we began to develop a bit of a friendship. Later on, the more and more I was around her, I began to develop feelings for her. I was so happy with her, and I wanted her to know how I felt, but I was just too shy, and I didn’t know how to say it. It would be the whole remaining half of freshman year that I remained silent about my feelings for her. Then, on the summer of 2009, I found out that she had started a relationship with someone else; I was devastated, because I really and truthfully wanted to tell her how I felt. But, I guess I just missed my chance, permanently. And who would have guessed who she would have fallen for? A high school jock! It was totally unfair that all the pretty girls seemed to dislike the smart guys like me.

 

It was when I was 16 years old, that I felt a spiritual awakening. I began to read the Bible as well as study it, and wanted to do everything that I could to save souls to Christ. Unfortunately, the church that I went to didn’t really seem all that interested in saving souls from Hell. They only seemed interested in tractor rides, amusement parks and youth groups rather than mission trips. This in turn caused me to wonder if I really was in the right church. So, I went to the internet for advice (really bad idea in retrospect) and got exposed KJV-onlyism, which is a teaching that the Authorized 1611 version of the King James Bible was the only real Bible, and that others were Satanic counterfeits. The biggest proponent of this idea I saw was a mysterious man by the name of David J. Stewart, who ran the website www.jesus-is-savior.com. which I followed for a while, and believed everything that he said.

 

Mr. Stewart also said that stuff like secular music, even Christian music was “of the devil” and that certain magazines such as Sports Illustrated (the swimsuit kind) and certain restraunt chains like Hooters were sinful because they were “lascivious” (i.e. “sexually exciting”) – I believed what he said about that, too. This in turn began to make me resent my own sex-drive, which is part of the human identity. Even a normal and healthy behavior such as masturbating was sinful, and liking the female form was sinful. In addition, he also believed that secular television such as Star Trek was sinful because it depicted aliens and women in short skirts (he said something about the Bible saying that there’s no life anywhere else but Earth and that Spock is really a demon or something like that). This was a hard blow, because I am a Sci-Fi fan. But, I had no choice but to believe him. But it was the doctrine of modesty that he taught from the Bible that was something that haunted me for a very long time. Mr. Stewart taught that women needed to dress modestly, because if they didn’t they would cause men to lust, which would also be a sin. He had rules that were something like this:

 

i.          Pants are for men only

ii.         Dresses are for women only (particularly the frumpy kind, if you will)

iii.       No pants on women

iv.        No short shorts

v.         No miniskirts

vi.        No bikinis

vii.       No tight outfits

viii.     No cleavage

 

I wholeheartedly agreed with his rules, after all, he was using the Bible, and the Bible is never wrong. But it got even stranger than that. Mr. Stewart also taught that men were to set “no wicked things before their eyes” according to Psalm 101 (i.e. Hooters, Sports Illustrated, bikinis, etc.) and I obeyed those rules. I had no choice; the Bible said it that settled it, period. I remember very vividly his articles about the subject as seen in the excerpt below:

 

“Any child knows that women wear dresses and men wear pants. Women who love and respect the Lord won't wear bikinis at the beach, or wear miniskirts, or wear pants, or pose in Playboy. There's not an honest normal man alive who doesn't know what's wrong with women wearing pants—they are extremely revealing of a woman's flesh.”

 

SOURCE: http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/Porno/nudity.htm

 

Around this time, I’d also started my junior year of High School, and had fallen in love a second time. This girl was very pretty, no doubt about that. She had shining blonde hair, beautiful dark eyes, and her body was toned and athletic (well, it had to be, she was a track runner after all), and kind hearted too, and best of all, we shared the same faith. I felt deep inside of me that it was my secret duty to be like her guardian angel, if you will. I would constantly be praying for her well-being, and it seemed like God would always be taking care of her, and I was very happy that he did. I dare say that I was also romantically attracted to her as well, and I seriously wanted to tell her, but, I didn’t know how to because of my severe shyness. But sadly, the doctrines of Mr. Stewart began seeping into my mind like the refuse from a septic tank. My attention then focused on her wardrobe choices, which were things that God, according to Mr. Stewart, would not approve. She would sometimes wear her track shorts to school as well as short dresses and skirts. Whenever she did this, my mind would go into panic mode. All that I could think about were the articles Mr. Stewart had written about the modesty subject.  His modesty articles brought chills down my spine, making me sick to my stomach.

 

This was especially bad during the summer of 2011, probably one of the worst summers I’ve ever had in my entire life. I gradually began to feel hatred for women because of this, especially if they were attractive women in bikinis (aka the “wanton and shameless whores”) on the beaches where my family and I would go to on vacation. I felt so ashamed every time I saw a girl that I thought was attractive. However, there was one person in my mind that kept me sane, that certain girl. But then, my thoughts shifted back to her again. I began obsessing about the clothes that she would be wearing and how “lewd” and “immodest” they were, so much that I forgot about how kind of a person she was. She would be in hell for all eternity, burning and roasting day in and day out – just for the way she dressed? Billions of years would pass and she would still be there, screaming and wailing in pain in the fires. This was completely unfair, but again, I had no choice but to believe it, it would be apostasy if I didn’t. The feeling of her roasting for eternity for her wardrobe choices caused me much misery during that summer. I remember obsessively looking over her Facebook posts to make sure that she was right with God. The feelings of fear and obsession were tormenting, much like how the man in that Edgar Allen Poe story, “The Tale to Tell Heart” felt about the old man’s eye. I wanted so badly to talk to someone about this, but I didn’t know who to trust. It would be very difficult for someone to explain this weird sort of issue. Even if I could’ve found someone, how would I have explained what was going on? Any non-Christian psychiatrist would have no idea of what I was talking about, and the pastor of the Church that I was attending at the time probably wouldn’t be much help, either because modesty was just something that was rarely and almost never mentioned in the Methodist Church. I started to begin doubting if I was even in the right church, or if my parents were going to hell for believing false doctrine.

 

To the reader, let me ask you one question? How would you feel if had this thought in your head that everyone you knew and loved was going to roast in hell for all eternity, and no matter how much you pray or memorize scripture, you’re unable to save them? You would feel awful wouldn’t you, suicidal possibly? Does that sound like the way you’d want to live your life? No! No one deserves this kind of mental torture. Now imagine going through this, not for weeks, not for months, but for four years! This is how it was for me. All throughout the summer before my senior year, I would be crying at night, pleading and begging for God to save her and keep her safe, and he did. But no matter how much I prayed, the horrible thoughts and nightmarish depictions of her in hell wouldn’t go away! This isn’t any way for a 17 year old boy to be living his life; he’s supposed to be enjoying life, not living in fear of it! (This paragraph was the most painful one for me to write. I’m not kidding; I was in tears while writing the last part of it. It was like all these haunting memories that I’d kept repressed for so long were finally coming back like some form of terminal cancer, spreading, growing and infecting everything in sight.)

 

My senior year started, and that’s when things seemed to really get bad. I discovered that the girl I met in my junior year had gotten into a relationship with another guy. I was crushed, yet again, just like how it was with the other girl my freshman year. All throughout senior year it haunted me, and all through the summer of that year it got worse and worse. By that time, my nana had died of cancer, which totally devastated me; she’d been in remission for 3 years. At the funeral, as was broken, unable to hold back the tears. I felt that it was because of my desire for the girl, my “selfish” desire for myself and not anyone else had caused my Nana’s death, as well as my inability to save souls. In other words, I was being selfish, so God punished me by killing one of the most loving people I knew in my life. But how was I being selfish when I legitimately cared for this girl? Is it really so selfish to desire someone to love? Apparently so, and now, because of that, my nana had died. The only thing remaining that I have of my nana is the senior letter that she wrote me for my graduation. There are still times when I feel so upset about my nana. Then, the thoughts shifted to my late nana, what if she was in hell?

 

It got even worse during my first year of college. I was just 19 years old at the time, and things were getting out of control. This time, I was following a different teacher named Steven Anderson. His teachings were almost exactly the same as Mr. Stewart’s, as seen in this excerpt below:

 

“We are living in a day when the overwhelming majority of Christians and non-Christians alike believe in situational ethics.  “The end justifies the means” seems to be the philosophy of today’s independent Baptist churches. God, on the other hand, has always been the God of moral absolutes.

 

Is nudity before the opposite gender a sin?  Well if it is, then it must always be a sin, whether at an xxx theater, a swimming pool, or in a doctor’s office.

 

In the Bible, the only nakedness allowable between a man and a woman is between husband and wife.  Genesis 2:25 reads, “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” Within the confines of marriage nakedness is totally permissible.  However, in Leviticus 18, God goes into great detail condemning nakedness between brother and sister, father and daughter, mother and son, aunt and nephew, uncle and niece, grandfather and granddaughter, and the list goes on and on.

 

God also admonishes us repeatedly throughout the Bible to be fully clothed.  Nakedness in the Bible is associated with the word “shame.”  One of the many examples of this association is found in Isaiah 47:3a, “Thy nakedness shall be uncovered, yea, thy shame shall be seen:” as well as in Revelation 3:18 (above).  Exodus 28:42 reads, “And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; from the loins even unto the thighs they shall reach.”  God is commanding here for a man to wear pants or shorts that cover his entire thigh (down to the knee) in order not to be naked.  Isaiah 47:2-3 reads, “Take the millstones, and grind meal: uncover thy locks, make bare the leg, uncover the thigh, pass over the rivers.  Thy nakedness shall be uncovered, yea, thy shame shall be seen: I will take vengeance, and I will not meet thee as a man.”  God shows us again here, in this case with a woman, that the thigh being uncovered is considered nakedness by God.  Repeatedly throughout the New Testament, God commands women to be clothed in modest apparel because nakedness is undoubtedly a sin.”

 

            Source: http://faithfulwordbaptist.org/gynecologists.html

 

Again, like with Mr. Stewart’s teachings, a sickening feeling would form within my stomach. Again, I didn’t want to believe it, but I had no choice because the Bible said so. Pastor Anderson also preached against watching television, mixed swimming, alcohol, women wearing pants, secular music, and again, I believed everything that he said to be Biblical truths. In fact, Mr. Anderson would also say in his hissy-fit sermons from the pulpit that his church was the only Biblical church, and if we went to any different church, we’d be in a false church and going to Hell. But nothing could’ve have been worse than what he talked about looking at women:

 

“You see, if something catches my eye—listen to me, sir, listen to me, men—when something catches your eye, you are driving down the road and that billboard catches your eye, that magazine catches your eye, that sleazy hutchie momma or that woman that is dressed inappropriately, you are in department stores. She has got the short skirt on or she has got the tight fitting clothes on. Hey, when that catches your eye, sir, do you know what you ought to do? You ought to look away.

 

Now this is common sense, but this is what needs to be preached because people don’t believe this.  You have to look away. And I am going to tell you something.  When you look back the second time, you have just committed a sin.

 

“Oh, I didn’t think anything.  I didn’t think anything about it.  I just looked at it.”

Looking at it is a sin in and of itself, period. And so when you look at something and then you look away what begins in your heart, then, could be an intense desire to look back a second time. Why?  Because you are going to commit adultery with the woman in the picture?  No. You don’t even know who that woman is. Your desire is to look at it again because your eyes are out of control and because the lust of the eyes is dominating your heart.”

 

Source: http://www.faithfulwordbaptist.org/lust.html

 

So, basically, what Mr. Anderson taught was that if you ever looked at a woman, either scantily dressed or not and liked what you saw, you’ve committed a sin – which if you ask me today is one thousand percent insane. This was an even worse blow to my sex drive.

 

My situation got even worse the more and more I delved deeper into the whole modesty issue. I then began to become involved with multiple modesty teachings from not only Pastor Anderson, but the Church of Christ as well, and I think the teachings from the Church of Christ might have been worse. The Church of Christ taught that it was a sin to go to the beach and that men should be ashamed for seeing what they called “half-naked” women on the beach (i.e. bikinis) and that if no man felt guilt for it, then he had a “seared conscience.”

 

“Immodesty has become so commonly accepted that it doesn't bother most people. Most people feel no shame if they see someone on television or in public who is dressed immodestly, and wouldn't have any problem dressing the same way. As summer temperatures rise standards of modesty seem to fall. In the U.S.A., as well as many other nations of the world, our societies have become the most sexually saturated societies.”

Source: http://voices.yahoo.com/should-christian-woman-wear-immodest-dress-like-6014534.html

 

(I should note that this article is almost entirely plagiarized from other modesty articles on the web. I’m serious, just read parts of the source above and the source after it, they’re both eerily similar.)

 

Throughout my first year of college, most of the time I would be on the college campus on my laptop, looking obsessively at articles on the topic of modesty, and my mental condition just got worse. I was desperate. I just wanted some bit, some small bit of re-assurance that all this clothing issues were just a bunch of lies, that it was all a joke, but there was nothing. So, I eventually gave up all hope. I then became a member of another Bible study group, the Alpha and Omegas, hoping that maybe they would be able to help, but this never happened. It turns out that they too were involved with the Church of Christ. I friended a few of the members of the group on Facebook, and it became a nightmare. I was afraid to post things because I knew that they would be watching, and so would God, similar to the George Orwell book 1984. I being Winston, any girl that I felt attracted to being Julia, the Alpha and Omega members being The Party, the Alpha and Omega leaders being O’Brien, and of course, God being Big Brother.

 

Eventually it all just became too much, and I decided that I was going to take my own life. One night I went inside of my closet and began to cry for about 15 to 20 minutes at most. My perception of women had been completely shattered. I decided that I just couldn’t live in the world anymore because there was no way to possibly be a good, sexually pure, righteous Christian with all the “immodest” women around me, I would have to repent of my sin, but they would be punished and burn in hell forever, I cried my eyes out on that night, begging for God to have mercy on them for being “stumbling blocks” and objects of lust. I then went into my bathroom filled up the sink with ice-cold water, and dunked my head underneath in an attempt to drown myself. My head was under the water for no less than a minute when my hand slipped and broke the drain rod which kept the sink sealed, and the water drained out. I tried to cut myself with a hobby knife, but I kept myself restrained. One night, I found myself in my bedroom walking around and incoherent, crying and saying to me “Stop abusing me, leave me alone!” and clawing and scratching myself.

 

Enough was enough; it was time to look for truth in other places. I thought about the Bible, and everything that I’d been taught about it. I thought about the idea of the original sin. I thought about the concept of salvation. I thought about the idea of Hell, and I asked myself, “Can I go along with the torture of someone else?” I thought about it for a long time, and eventually, I decided that I couldn’t. At that point I realized that I could no longer be a Christian.

 

I hope you all enjoyed reading this, and I apologize if the story was a bit too long.

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A few thoughts:

 

1. Holy shit.

 

2. That jesus is savior website is like I stepped into a time machine and went back to 1997 Geocities internet world.

 

3. Those guys who were saying how bad it was to look at a woman were probably addicted to porn. One thing I've noticed: if something is a preacher's pet sin to rail against, it's probably something he struggles with. Right, Ted Haggard?

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I don't know how they work out the KJV is the only worthy version of the Wholly Babble. I mean, don't they know there's more than a good chance Jimmy the One was more a Queen than a King? They should look it up.

Casey

 

PS Great Extimony!

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That jesus is savior website is like I stepped into a time machine and went back to 1997 Geocities internet world.

No kidding. You know, the maker of that website actually is a convicted sex-offender.

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I don't know how they work out the KJV is the only worthy version of the Wholly Babble. I mean, don't they know there's more than a good chance Jimmy the One was more a Queen than a King? They should look it up.

Casey

 

PS Great Extimony!

Thank you! I just got Part 2 of it finished recently. I still have that King James Bible that my grandfather gave me, as well as the program E-Sword Bible on both my mobile phone and laptop. It was suggested to me by a YouTube user that I really learn up on what's in the Bible, because most Christians don't read it.

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The threat of Hell destroys any genuine love and care between people. It really is a square peg that fundies desperately try to fit in a round hole. You simply cannot reconcile it with an idea of a loving and just God. Those nuts are on par with Salafi muslims regarding their view of women (and everything else too for that matter). What kind of "loving" message would turn a healthy teenager into a neurotic misogynist? Yet, that's what fundamentalism is doing.

 

Here's some stuff about Jesus-is-savior:

http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Jesus_Is_Savior

 

Thank you for your story btw. You've been going through some messed up things. Welcome to ex-C, hopefully this will be a place of respite for you.

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The threat of Hell destroys any genuine love and care between people. It really is a square peg that fundies desperately try to fit in a round hole. You simply cannot reconcile it with an idea of a loving and just God. Those nuts are on par with Salafi muslims regarding their view of women (and everything else too for that matter). What kind of "loving" message would turn a healthy teenager into a neurotic misogynist? Yet, that's what fundamentalism is doing.

 

Here's some stuff about Jesus-is-savior:

http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Jesus_Is_Savior

 

Thank you for your story btw. You've been going through some messed up things. Welcome to ex-C, hopefully this will be a place of respite for you.

You're welcome, I'll be posting part 2 of the story soon, because believe it or not, this isn't where it ends.

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I relate to so much of what you're saying. I'm currently undergoing the process of finding out whether my (extremely strong) suspicions that I have undiagnosed Asperger's are true. I'm 36 and am just now realizing that autism would explain... well... a lot. I've seen a neuropsychiatrist who has scheduled me for the official tests... now it's just time to find out if my state insurance will cover that.

 

I relate very much to your tendency to swing all the way to the most radical right that you possibly can. I went through this as well, during my Christian years. It's interesting that you specifically mention 2011, because that's the year I wore "skirts only" and was beginning to cover my head. I felt that my conservative church wasn't conservative enough. I was into reading the blogs of people similar to Steve Anderson and the jesus-is-savior guy. Several of the folks who I idolized have since fallen (Duggar family, Vision Forum, Mars Hill). The idea of "perfection" was like a drug for me... fitting everything into these neat little boxes. I even began to schedule my days in half-hour increments (I'm a stay-at-home mom) after reading the advice of Teri Maxwell.

 

Even though I've been deconverted for three years, I still feel myself sometimes getting pulled back into forms of the religion that are super legalistic. Not for the religion itself... I don't believe in the religion's claims anymore... but for the strict rules, patterns, and boundaries. My brain is so incredibly drawn to that. 

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Even though I've been deconverted for three years, the I still feel myself sometimes getting pulled back into forms of the religion that are super legalistic. Not for the religion itself... I don't believe in the religion's claims anymore... but for the strict rules, patterns, and boundaries. My brain is so incredibly drawn to that.

 

That's an interesting observation. I'm also drawn to ritualized habits (not necessarily Christian) and creating a strict and orderly living pattern, probably because I have always lacked exactly that. My life is a chaotic mess, both externally and internally. Always has been like that as well.

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I relate to so much of what you're saying. I'm currently undergoing the process of finding out whether my (extremely strong) suspicions that I have undiagnosed Asperger's are true. I'm 36 and am just now realizing that autism would explain... well... a lot. I've seen a neuropsychiatrist who has scheduled me for the official tests... now it's just time to find out if my state insurance will cover that.

 

I relate very much to your tendency to swing all the way to the most radical right that you possibly can. I went through this as well, during my Christian years. It's interesting that you specifically mention 2011, because that's the year I wore "skirts only" and was beginning to cover my head. I felt that my conservative church wasn't conservative enough. I was into reading the blogs of people similar to Steve Anderson and the jesus-is-savior guy. Several of the folks who I idolized have since fallen (Duggar family, Vision Forum, Mars Hill). The idea of "perfection" was like a drug for me... fitting everything into these neat little boxes. I even began to schedule my days in half-hour increments (I'm a stay-at-home mom) after reading the advice of Teri Maxwell.

 

Even though I've been deconverted for three years, I still feel myself sometimes getting pulled back into forms of the religion that are super legalistic. Not for the religion itself... I don't believe in the religion's claims anymore... but for the strict rules, patterns, and boundaries. My brain is so incredibly drawn to that. 

Thanks for relating.

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What kind of "loving" message would turn a healthy teenager into a neurotic misogynist? Yet, that's what fundamentalism is doing.

I still ask myself that question every day.

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SkepticalDaniel, welcome!

 

And wow.

 

You brought up memories of my own "walk with god" that had been hidden. As a bisexual woman, I dealt with these same feelings and all the shame. But I wasn't directly spoken to by the church about it. I can't imagine what you went through, constantly being accused and bombarded with horrible guilty feelings. I'm so, so proud of you for sharing your story, since I'm sure you feel a lot of shame surrounding the subject. You are impressive, and an inspiration. I'm on to read your next post. :)

 

*hugs*

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  • Moderator

 

 

I hope you all enjoyed reading this, 

Excellent SD! Thank you for sharing your story. Many can relate to this including me.

 

Keep posting. Keep seeking. Keep reading (not the religious sites!!!) You're going to be OK hon.

 

(hug)

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SkepticalDaniel, welcome!

 

And wow.

 

You brought up memories of my own "walk with god" that had been hidden. As a bisexual woman, I dealt with these same feelings and all the shame. But I wasn't directly spoken to by the church about it. I can't imagine what you went through, constantly being accused and bombarded with horrible guilty feelings. I'm so, so proud of you for sharing your story, since I'm sure you feel a lot of shame surrounding the subject. You are impressive, and an inspiration. I'm on to read your next post. smile.png

 

*hugs*

Thank you for the hug. I appreciate that you took the time to read the first part of my story. Writing it was really difficult, as it triggered a lot of those sad memories. That is not the life that I wish to live, and I don't wish for anyone to live the way that I did for so many years, either.

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I hope you all enjoyed reading this, 

Excellent SD! Thank you for sharing your story. Many can relate to this including me.

 

Keep posting. Keep seeking. Keep reading (not the religious sites!!!) You're going to be OK hon.

 

(hug)

 

Thank you! I've recently posted part 2 of my story, if you wish to read it.

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Hi,

 

I'm a fellow autism spectrum person and I think the way we can consume lots and lots of time obsessing over something can be really bad when we obsess over something harmful, such as a religion's strict rules and hell. I wasn't obsessed with hell but in my brief time in a Pentecostal church I really wanted to adhere to the rules. No worldly music, no tv, ok - but even no loving small animals so I wouldn't accidentally love anything more than Jesus! Whaat. And that's just one example.

 

Up until my deconversion in 2014 I also worried myself sick with what was "meant", as in what was my destiny and what coincidences "mean". I really wanted to be guided and thought I could learn to understand "the plan". What a waste of time. :(

 

Keep writing, but don't force it if it's too painful. We'll be here.

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We're here for you, whenever memories are triggered. It'll get better. I know they say that, but I know it will, because even despite all the trauma in my life, it's still getting better. Slowly but surely. Hang in there.

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We're here for you, whenever memories are triggered. It'll get better. I know they say that, but I know it will, because even despite all the trauma in my life, it's still getting better. Slowly but surely. Hang in there.

Absolutely.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey Daniel,

 

First off: Oh my GAWD.  I seriously wanted to hug you.  It is absolute BULLSHIT that you had to go through that sort of mental torment for four years.  And I actually have a reply to your question:

 

To the reader, let me ask you one question? How would you feel if had this thought in your head that everyone you knew and loved was going to roast in hell for all eternity, and no matter how much you pray or memorize scripture, you’re unable to save them? You would feel awful wouldn’t you, suicidal possibly? Does that sound like the way you’d want to live your life? No! No one deserves this kind of mental torture. Now imagine going through this, not for weeks, not for months, but for four years! 

 

For me, it was FIVE YEARS.  And not only that, but fighting my physical and emotional desire for another man...being an increasingly aware gay man...was even worse.  I thought "God" hated me and that "God" wanted me dead.  Now I put "God" in quotes because I don't believe "God" exists.  I don't believe a real "God" would be the psychopath depicted in the Old and New testaments.

 

I plan to read your other parts now as of this writing...but I do hope you have had some semblance of peace and can enjoy the full range of your sexuality subtracting the ridiculous, narcissistic (yes, I believe just about all pastors and clergy are narcissistic...they LOVE to hear themselves speak) dogma bullshit called religion.

 

Pardon my straightforward bluntness, but these days religious people instigate nothing but FURY within me.

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Hey Daniel,

 

First off: Oh my GAWD.  I seriously wanted to hug you.  It is absolute BULLSHIT that you had to go through that sort of mental torment for four years.  And I actually have a reply to your question:

 

To the reader, let me ask you one question? How would you feel if had this thought in your head that everyone you knew and loved was going to roast in hell for all eternity, and no matter how much you pray or memorize scripture, you’re unable to save them? You would feel awful wouldn’t you, suicidal possibly? Does that sound like the way you’d want to live your life? No! No one deserves this kind of mental torture. Now imagine going through this, not for weeks, not for months, but for four years! 

 

For me, it was FIVE YEARS.  And not only that, but fighting my physical and emotional desire for another man...being an increasingly aware gay man...was even worse.  I thought "God" hated me and that "God" wanted me dead.  Now I put "God" in quotes because I don't believe "God" exists.  I don't believe a real "God" would be the psychopath depicted in the Old and New testaments.

 

I plan to read your other parts now as of this writing...but I do hope you have had some semblance of peace and can enjoy the full range of your sexuality subtracting the ridiculous, narcissistic (yes, I believe just about all pastors and clergy are narcissistic...they LOVE to hear themselves speak) dogma bullshit called religion.

 

Pardon my straightforward bluntness, but these days religious people instigate nothing but FURY within me.

Thank you so much for reading this, you just brought a tear to my eye!

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Hi Daniel.  Glad you're here and taking the time to share your story.  I've only read part 1 so far, but much of what you wrote brought back memories for me.  I came from a kjv-only, radical fundamentalist background.  This type of religion is so sexually repressive (it's like they're obsessed with it!) that it can take a long time to recover from it.  It teaches you to suppress desires that are only natural to you, and that you are sinning when you fail to do so.  This often results in associating guilt with orgasm,to the point that even with when christians get married and are intimate with their spouse, they still experience heavy guilt, even though they are within the context of what the bible says is acceptable.  It's such an unhealthy way for people to have to live their lives.  

 

It's also sad the way it negatively affects people's relationships, whether with their spouse, bf/gf, family member, friend, etc.  Christians say that Jesus is the answer to all your relationship problems, and that is not the case at all.  The bible is the cause of conflict in many relationships.  Before my deconversion, I let it create problems between me and my wife, and it was the source of (unfriendly) arguments between me and my best friend.  It still keeps me from being able to have the type of relationship I'd like to have with my family.  

 

On to part 2...

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Hi Daniel. Glad you're here and taking the time to share your story. I've only read part 1 so far, but much of what you wrote brought back memories for me. I came from a kjv-only, radical fundamentalist background. This type of religion is so sexually repressive (it's like they're obsessed with it!) that it can take a long time to recover from it. It teaches you to suppress desires that are only natural to you, and that you are sinning when you fail to do so. This often results in associating guilt with orgasm,to the point that even with when christians get married and are intimate with their spouse, they still experience heavy guilt, even though they are within the context of what the bible says is acceptable. It's such an unhealthy way for people to have to live their lives.

 

It's also sad the way it negatively affects people's relationships, whether with their spouse, bf/gf, family member, friend, etc. Christians say that Jesus is the answer to all your relationship problems, and that is not the case at all. The bible is the cause of conflict in many relationships. Before my deconversion, I let it create problems between me and my wife, and it was the source of (unfriendly) arguments between me and my best friend. It still keeps me from being able to have the type of relationship I'd like to have with my family.

 

On to part 2...

Thank you very much for reading! I've actually since writing this, blocked many of those websites with an Internet filter.

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