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Goodbye Jesus

My De-Conversion Story, Part 2: High School


SkepticalDaniel

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Hello, again! This will be Part 2 of the story of my de-conversion from Christianity. If you haven't already, please read Part 1: http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/72562-my-de-conversion-story-part-1/#.VzjrKOS95Vd

 

In this part of the story, I will be focusing more about my time in high school, right where things really started to fall apart for me. Anyway, onto the story...

 

I was 15 years old when I started high school. Because of my Asperger’s, I was socially withdrawn from the other students, and did my best to keep to myself, as it had always been back in Elementary, and even Middle school. However, my freshman year of High School was when all this would change. In my English class, I met someone who would change my life forever. She, a lovely blonde soccer player on the freshman team. Unlike most girls, who ignored me, she showed interest in me. When no one else wanted to talk to me, she’d talk to me, when no one else showed interest in me, she showed interest in me. I couldn’t understand it at all. I assumed that all of this was because of her Christian faith, which was something she was very proud of. I can honestly say that it was most likely her, who influenced my decision to probably be more social around other people – even igniting my curiosity to look into Christianity even deeper, as well. Unfortunately, I would never be able to tell her how I truly felt, because of my social awkwardness, and eventually, I found out via Facebook, that she’d found someone else. It was also during my freshman year that I was exposed to the theory of Darwinian Evolution in biology class, which I never understood, even though I passed the class. I never took the idea seriously, and disregarded it as unscientific nonsense.

 

My sophomore year was when I had a spiritual awakening at the new church that my family was attending.  I decided that following the church would be the way for me to find meaning in my life, and it was there that I began to look at the Bible as book to rely on for comfort, as well as guide for all the answers to life’s many problems. I feeling of innumerable joy seemed to fill my soul, and I guess you could say that I felt like I was “on fire for Jesus”, and I wanted to save souls for Christ. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long until I started to notice problems with the church. Most notably was the fact that the church I went to allowed women to speak, never mind the fact Bible states that it’s shameful for women to do so (1 Corinthians 14:34-35). Another serious issue was that the church really didn’t seem all that concerned about the lost souls burning forever in Hell, if we didn’t do something to save them. Sure, the church sponsored mission groups and preached against sin, but it had absolutely no sense of urgency, and thus the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20) would never be achieved. This in turn made me wonder, was I even in the right kind of church?

 

My problems got even greater during the summer of my sophomore year, when I discovered the website, www.jesus-is-savior.com, a King James Version only (KJV only) fundamental Christian website which was very keen on the practice of soul-winning, which is a term that the Fundamental Baptists use for going door to door with the King James Bible and talking to people about how to be saved. This website was hosted by a man named David J. Stewart, who believed certain things like secular music, even Christian music was “of the devil” – which I naively accepted. Furthermore, he also stated that certain magazines such as Sports Illustrated (the swimsuit kind) and certain restaurant chains like Hooters were sinful because they were “lascivious” (i.e. “sexually exciting”) – I believed what he said about that, too. I felt absolutely ashamed of my own sexuality, and to make matters worse, were his clothing guidelines for women:

 

i.          Pants are for men only

ii.         Dresses are for women only (particularly the frumpy kind, if you will)

iii.       No pants on women

iv.        No short shorts

v.         No miniskirts

vi.        No bikinis

vii.       No tight outfits

viii.     No cleavage

 

I didn’t want to believe it, but I had no choice. It would be apostasy if I didn’t, and Stewart really pounded it into my head.

 

“Any child knows that women wear dresses and men wear pants. Women who love and respect the Lord won't wear bikinis at the beach, or wear miniskirts, or wear pants, or pose in Playboy. There's not an honest normal man alive who doesn't know what's wrong with women wearing pants—they are extremely revealing of a woman's flesh.”

 

SOURCE: http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/Porno/nudity.htm

 

Furthermore, Stewart also had information on his website that he used to “debunk” evolution, such this:

 

“Recently, a thought captivated my mind that proves that the theory of evolution is a big hoax. The thought is simple and yet profound ... why is there no recorded history before approximately 4,000 B.C.? The answer is obvious ... there was no history! Think about it! Evolutionists claim that man evolved over billions of years (that's billions with a "B"). If there were any truth to these false claims by unscrupulous scientists, then man's historical record should span back at least hundreds-of-thousands of years, if not millions…

 

The truth is that evolutionists are hardhearted against the truth of God's Word.  The Word of God declares that God created the world at approximately 4,000 B.C.—YOU'D BE A FOOL NOT TO BELIEVE IT, BECAUSE THERE'S NO HISTORY PRIOR TO 4,000 B.C.  As incredible as this fact is, it is undeniable proof against evolution.”

 

Source: http://jesus-is-savior.com/Evolution%20Hoax/4000.htm

 

I took everything that Stewart said at face-value. In addition to David J. Stewart, there was another KJV-only advocate online who I took at face-value as well, and I’m ashamed to say that, too. His name was Steven Anderson, a pastor of an Independent Fundamental Baptist church in Arizona. This man taught pretty much the same things that Stewart taught, but took it to an even more extreme level. Anderson believed that homosexuals should be executed because of what the Bible said:

 

“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.”

 

– Leviticus 20:13

 

So, my junior year of high school began, and that’s when the depression really began to hit hard. By this time, I’d met another girl, and had secretly fallen in love again. She was everything that I wanted in a girl, kind-hearted, intelligent, and best of all; we shared the same faith (even though she didn’t really use the KJV). I had a very strong feeling that she was woefully ignorant in her Christian faith, so I wanted to help her, and watch her grow. But then, I remembered what Mr. Stewart had said on his website, and my heart sank.

 

“American is filled with professed "Christians" who do business at bars, nightclubs and other worldly places of entertainment. Elvis Presley lived his life glorifying the works of the flesh. Elvis would sing disgusting worldly lyrics to rock-n-roll rhythms for most of his songs... and then sing ONE gospel song at the end.

 

The term "Christian" was first given to believers by the heathens at Antioch, Syria (Acts 11:26). It was the Christlike testimony of those early believers that caused the unsaved people to label them as "Christians."

 

The average believer knows the TV Guide better than they do the Bible. Jesus warned us not to become "choked" by the cares, pleasures and riches of this world...”

Source: http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Believer's%20Corner/entertainment_christians.htm

 

I knew in my heart that more than likely, the new girl was one of those “entertainment Christians” that Stewart spoke about, and I knew that there would be absolutely no way for me to convert her to the right path. During this time, I had very little regard for my own life and livelihood, and would spend most of my free-time constantly checking Stewart’s website, and progressively coming sicker, and sicker, and sicker, even looking at some sermons that Stewart had collected from other IFB pastors. I couldn’t bare the idea of her ending up in hell, a place of eternal fire, and agony and torment and wailing and gnashing of teeth. I can’t begin to tell you how many sleepless nights I spent praying, saying the same prayer over and over and over again, but to no avail.

 

Then came the summer of my junior year, which would be a harrowing time of absolute misery. The summer filled me with sickening thoughts of female modesty and sexual purity, which made it all the more unbearable.

 

“When Sports Illustrated decided to feature immodest, lewd, and impudent women, their profits soared and have continued. Sex sells! Truly the LOVE OF MONEY is the root of all evil as 1st Timothy 6:10 warns in the Bible. Sports Illustrated is immoral, of the Devil, and an embarrassment to every decent and God-fearing American citizen.

 

THERE IS NO FEAR OF GOD BEFORE THEIR EYES (Romans 3:18) at Sports Illustrated, for only hard-hearted sinners would sexually exploit womanhood to make money. May I say, it is ill-gotten money (what the Bible calls, “filthy lucre”). Matthew 6:24, “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” The word “mammon” comes directly from the Greek word mammonas, meaning “wealth.” The Bible teaches that wealth and serving God are diametrically opposed to each other. You CANNOT serve them both! You will love one, and hate the other.

 

Sadly, many Christians today are living a lie, kidding themselves that they are still serving God, when in reality they have sold out to the almighty dollar! Increasingly we see so-called Christian organizations which sell magazines, books, subscriptions and publications featuring psychology, beauty and diet as primary topics. It's the love of money! The Doctrine of Christ has been abandoned by most professed Christians these days.

 

The Bible commands women to dress themselves in MODEST (Greek: of good behavior) clothing. The type of clothing that a woman wears speaks much about her moral character and attitude toward womanhood. A woman who strips down naked for the camera disrespects all women by cheapening herself. Virtue is more valuable than rubies the Bible says...

 

Proverb 31:10, “Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.”

 

Every woman must choose between virtue and rubies. Take your pick! Do you want the virtue of MOTHERHOOD, or the rubies that a CAREER will bring instead. A Career has no place for genuine motherhood.

 

 Virtue chooses to dress modestly, not whorishly...

 

1st Timothy 2:9, “In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.

 

Jude:1:19: “These be they who separate themselves, sensual, having not the Spirit.”

 

The Bible commands us to seek after WISDOM above all else, which begins with the fear of the Lord...

 

Proverb 3:13-15, “Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold.  She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her.”

 

The word “lady” has become a novelty in today's lewd, rude and crude world. Asian women are notoriously whorish and dress whorishly. They are degraded down to the level of animals in their cultures, being slaved out as comfort girls for money or for a place to live and some food. Most young women, and older as well, do it voluntarily because the alternative is to work for pennies a day in a sweat shop factory under high-pressure, fast-pace, dangerous workings conditions. The temptation to make a lot of money fast by having sex is why the criminal syndicate worldwide is involved. The Philippines have been referred to as “The Devil's Playground” because of all the prevalent sexual sins. This includes Costa Rica and most third world nations. Sadly, American military men are notorious for fornication worldwide.”

 

Source: http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/Porno/sports_illustrated.htm

 

As a result, I began resenting my own sex-drive as a teenager, especially when I saw beautiful girls (aka the “wanton and shameless whores”) on the beaches where my family and I would go to on vacation. I felt so ashamed every time I saw a girl that I thought was attractive. The one verse that haunted me from the Bible constantly was the verse in which Jesus spoke about lust.

 

“Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

 

– Matthew 5:27-28

 

With that verse in mind, the summer became absolutely unbearable. Furthermore, Pastor Steven Anderson drove the same point about lust and nudity down, but arguably even harder than Stewart did.

 

“We are living in a day when the overwhelming majority of Christians and non-Christians alike believe in situational ethics.  “The end justifies the means” seems to be the philosophy of today’s independent Baptist churches. God, on the other hand, has always been the God of moral absolutes.

 

Is nudity before the opposite gender a sin?  Well if it is, then it must always be a sin, whether at an xxx theater, a swimming pool, or in a doctor’s office.

 

In the Bible, the only nakedness allowable between a man and a woman is between husband and wife.  Genesis 2:25 reads, “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” Within the confines of marriage nakedness is totally permissible.  However, in Leviticus 18, God goes into great detail condemning nakedness between brother and sister, father and daughter, mother and son, aunt and nephew, uncle and niece, grandfather and granddaughter, and the list goes on and on.

 

God also admonishes us repeatedly throughout the Bible to be fully clothed.  Nakedness in the Bible is associated with the word “shame.”  One of the many examples of this association is found in Isaiah 47:3a, “Thy nakedness shall be uncovered, yea, thy shame shall be seen:” as well as in Revelation 3:18 (above).  Exodus 28:42 reads, “And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness; from the loins even unto the thighs they shall reach.”  God is commanding here for a man to wear pants or shorts that cover his entire thigh (down to the knee) in order not to be naked.  Isaiah 47:2-3 reads, “Take the millstones, and grind meal: uncover thy locks, make bare the leg, uncover the thigh, pass over the rivers.  Thy nakedness shall be uncovered, yea, thy shame shall be seen: I will take vengeance, and I will not meet thee as a man.”  God shows us again here, in this case with a woman, that the thigh being uncovered is considered nakedness by God.  Repeatedly throughout the New Testament, God commands women to be clothed in modest apparel because nakedness is undoubtedly a sin.”

            Source: http://faithfulwordbaptist.org/gynecologists.html

 

“You see, if something catches my eye—listen to me, sir, listen to me, men—when something catches your eye, you are driving down the road and that billboard catches your eye, that magazine catches your eye, that sleazy hutchie momma or that woman that is dressed inappropriately, you are in department stores. She has got the short skirt on or she has got the tight fitting clothes on. Hey, when that catches your eye, sir, do you know what you ought to do? You ought to look away.

 

Now this is common sense, but this is what needs to be preached because people don’t believe this.  You have to look away.

 

And I am going to tell you something.  When you look back the second time, you have just committed a sin.

 

 “Oh, I didn’t think anything.  I didn’t think anything about it.  I just looked at it.”

 

Looking at it is a sin in and of itself, period. And so when you look at something and then you look away what begins in your heart, then, could be an intense desire to look back a second time. Why?  Because you are going to commit adultery with the woman in the picture?  No. You don’t even know who that woman is. Your desire is to look at it again because your eyes are out of control and because the lust of the eyes is dominating your heart.”

 

Source: http://www.faithfulwordbaptist.org/lust.html

 

I wanted so badly for this depression to go away, but I didn’t know who to talk to. No psychologist would be able to understand my bizarre disorder and problems.

 

The summer past, and then my senior year began, and coming in with it were even more compulsions. I soon learned that the new girl, much like much like the other girl from my freshman year, and found someone else. The person that she found worried me greatly, as I feared that he would influence her to do “immoral” things. I constantly prayed, and prayed much like last year, but got no result. Towards the time of Spring Break, I was so worried that she’d be out committing debauchery, and thus damning her soul to hell, the place which I feared most. Sadly, towards the end of the semester, I received the worst news possible. I discovered that after three years of remission, my Nana had developed a terminal cancer; she later died three days after I graduated. When I received the news that she’d died, I was devastated. I felt as though my inability to save souls to Christ had somehow contributed to her death, and that God had punished me for it. Her funeral was absolutely unbearable. I shall never forget the moment that I saw her in her casket. I cried, and I quietly said to myself as I stood over her body, “I’m sorry, Nana, please forgive me…”

 

My entire world at that moment had fallen apart completely.

          

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<3

Thank you for reading.

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Sweet mossy SD, No wonder you were so depressed. Wendytwitch.gif  Please don't go back to these sites. They are poison.

 

They certainly do have proof now of how old this earth would be. The archaeologists can tell by many things. Eventually you will be able to study evolution to see how the earth really started.

 

Thank you so much for writing out this heartbreaking story. I hope you stay here with us hon so we can help un-brainwash you from all the poisonous things you were told to believe. You were certainly NOT the cause of your grandmothers death. What kind of god would put that responsibility on you?? A horrible, sadistic god! I always used to think that a lot of bad things happened in my life because of not doing the right thing in god's eyes. GrrrrrrrrrzDuivel7.gif  I wasted so much emotional energy on this. Always caused me depression. It makes me so angry at how religion can f**k with a persons brain.

 

Be at peace tonight hon. It's going to be OK..you wait and see... And thanks again for sharing with us. I'm so glad you are here with us!!

 

(hug)

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Sweet mossy SD, No wonder you were so depressed. Wendytwitch.gif Please don't go back to these sites. They are poison.

 

They certainly do have proof now of how old this earth would be. The archaeologists can tell by many things. Eventually you will be able to study evolution to see how the earth really started.

 

Thank you so much for writing out this heartbreaking story. I hope you stay here with us hon so we can help un-brainwash you from all the poisonous things you were told to believe. You were certainly NOT the cause of your grandmothers death. What kind of god would put that responsibility on you?? A horrible, sadistic god! I always used to think that a lot of bad things happened in my life because of not doing the right thing in god's eyes. GrrrrrrrrrzDuivel7.gif I wasted so much emotional energy on this. Always caused me depression. It makes me so angry at how religion can f**k with a persons brain.

 

Be at peace tonight hon. It's going to be OK..you wait and see... And thanks again for sharing with us. I'm so glad you are here with us!!

 

(hug)

Thank you. I appreciate you reading this. I'll have Part 3 up soon. That part will deal more with the KJV onlyism as well as the history of the King James Bible.

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  • 2 weeks later...

That pastor's sermons that you refer to, Daniel, are so awash with fallacies and distortions I don't even know where to begin.

 

First of all...the very, VERY tired references to Leveiticus.  Had his sermons been research projects, he would have been thrown out of any reputable University.  He cherry picks certain scriptures, or verses, to highlight his 'points' which are, as with all sermons in my view, make himself look "righteous" and everyone else look "sinful" (NEVERMIND that story in the New Testament where Jesus talks about being righteous and hypocritical) as well as his distortion of Sports Illustrated.  I don't read the magazine, but...it's why I think that Christianity, in of itself, is ONE BIG HUGE GIGANTIC CULT.

 

And no, you did not cause your beloved nana's death...any more than I "caused" the deaths of seven people I loved in my life in the last three years.  Her body simply couldn't take the disruption of the cancer causing cells anymore...just as my stepmom's brain couldn't handle her cancer anymore.  That is all.  And as has been told to me Daniel...and I say this with tears in my eyes...if she loved you, which it seems he did...she would want you to be happy...and to celebrate the fact that she lived and had the beautiful impact on you as a young man.  My guess is that you and i are similar ages, based on your references to Facebook and the like.

 

This is getting long, so I'll get to Part 3 as of this writing.

 

Hugs and brotherly love,

 

Andrew

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