Deconversion And Dissociation

[yunea]

My previous topic on this subject has been locked, but I think this is an important thing to discuss, and I've learned a lot since writing it.

 

I also think there has been some great and very important discussion on the forum about religion and mental illness, and I hope there will be more of it. These topics I start are my input into the subject.

 

So as I've mentioned before, I have a psychiatrist's confirmation that I'm dissociated. I have alters. Creating them has most likely been a way to cope with my traumatic childhood; I had to pretend I was someone else, doing something else, or I wanted so bad to have a certain kind of friend that one was actually born inside my head. I'm lucky that I don't have the severe form of DID that includes periods of amnesia, I'm largely co-conscious, but my alters are able to affect how I act in different situations, especially ones that remind me of trauma, and also other emotional situations. I am able to communicate with them, and I "hear" them talking inside my head in strong, uncontrollable thoughts. In self hypnosis I can go inside as one of them and meet them, and help them out, which gradually is making me less prone to do weird things when triggered, but the work is all but done. I'm still unstable.

 

Sometimes they argue with each other, sometimes they just disturb me when I try to concentrate. I used to think that some of this was Bible-Jesus talking to me, but turns out I just had a "jesus" alter too, heh. I experience my alters so vividly that they are able to even hug me, hit me, etc - in other words they sometimes bring me tactile hallucinations that I used to interpret as God's hands on me.

 

I've come to learn that before my deconversion, I had a different main person than afterwards. Who is now in charge is atheist, but the previous one, who calls herself "spiritual" is still here. She is triggered to surface when someone "lovingly" tells me their interpretation about God's plan in my life. This happened recently when my roomie recently told me what is her understanding of my deconversion - she said my suffering was due to spiritual warfare over my precious, God-gifted soul. I was able to physically utter the words of disagreement, but I think she could tell that I felt I was sort of lying, because to my surprise, my "spiritual" alter was surfacing strongly and filling me with joy over my roomie understanding her, and making me feel like my atheism is a lie. 

 

(Don't blame my roomie this time. I started that conversation because I felt she had to know why I fear for her safety, and I didn't see this coming. I wasn't aware of the alter because she'd effectively been hiding for many months.)

 

When the conversation with my roomie was over, the alter went away again and I had very mixed feelings about the joy I'd felt and the fleeting moment that I was a believer even though I (luckily) had enough control to utter the words "I don't believe in a personal god". 

 

The problem is that my "spiritual" alter doesn't even care that the Bible is such a bad book, because she thinks she has a relationship with God and Jesus and that's the very thing - the only thing that matters. She can't be reasoned with. My other alter, who hates all my abusers and knows that this one let one abuse me severely, tried to attack and kill her today but I'm not sure it worked. There's a war going on inside me right now.

 

One reason I'm typing this is that I am honestly afraid that she will grow sick of being "oppressed" and muster up the strength to bring me amnesia. In a good case I will wind up just here, telling you all that atheism is a lie told out of fear of happiness. In a bad case she walks me to church or possibly a hippie drumming night or something and I don't know...I really don't know. 

 

Another reason I'm typing this is the hope that someone lurking is struggling with the same thing.  

 

Meds don't really help with dissociation itself, though they'd tame down some of the emotions involved, and I've reconsidered starting them again if this gets any scarier. Therapy is a great help for it but I can't do it now due to various reasons, I do wish I could (and will do when it becomes available for me). I have helped countless alters who were stuck in trauma memories, but I'm out of ideas regarding this alter as she thinks she's happy and blessed. 

 

I'm trying to think it's a good thing that this alter was brought out, because now I "can" deal with her, but... I don't know how. I also wish I could talk about this to my roomie, as I still think she's my friend, but it just gets so damn complicated and I'm afraid the alter will come up again and do more than just make me feel stuff. Ugh. 

[miamia]

I'm sorry yunea, It must be hard. I don't have any experience with what you are dealing with, only that I know dealing with it can be exceptionally hard because many people don't believe the condition exists, and it's very difficult for people who don't have it to grasp any part of whats happening. It must be very frustrating not to have complete control over what you are saying. me, I used to have a hard time speaking up, it must be many times worse to have that problem and simultaneously watch your alter speak for you/act for you. I wish you the best. meditate, get some sun. Do you think it might be a good idea to live on your own if it is possible? living with a roomie that you can't 100 percent open up to, especially if you have been close in the past could be causing more stress than you are aware of, and this might not help your self personality maintain control.

[yunea]

Thank you very much for the comment, miamia. You're very right in what you say. 

 

My bf also lives here, and between us we agree that my long-term home needs to be a safe place for me to recover from depression and trauma, including religious trauma. Right now it doesn't really fit with our other plans to change the living arrangements, as it's going to be a huge hassle and I am trying to finish my degree in physics, but it is probably true that in the long run it's better to not live with her (unless she deconverts as well, but I'm not counting on it).

[quinntar]

My previous topic on this subject has been locked, but I think this is an important thing to discuss, and I've learned a lot since writing it.

 

I also think there has been some great and very important discussion on the forum about religion and mental illness, and I hope there will be more of it. These topics I start are my input into the subject.

 

So as I've mentioned before, I have a psychiatrist's confirmation that I'm dissociated. I have alters. Creating them has most likely been a way to cope with my traumatic childhood; I had to pretend I was someone else, doing something else, or I wanted so bad to have a certain kind of friend that one was actually born inside my head. I'm lucky that I don't have the severe form of DID that includes periods of amnesia, I'm largely co-conscious, but my alters are able to affect how I act in different situations, especially ones that remind me of trauma, and also other emotional situations. I am able to communicate with them, and I "hear" them talking inside my head in strong, uncontrollable thoughts. In self hypnosis I can go inside as one of them and meet them, and help them out, which gradually is making me less prone to do weird things when triggered, but the work is all but done. I'm still unstable.

 

Sometimes they argue with each other, sometimes they just disturb me when I try to concentrate. I used to think that some of this was Bible-Jesus talking to me, but turns out I just had a "jesus" alter too, heh. I experience my alters so vividly that they are able to even hug me, hit me, etc - in other words they sometimes bring me tactile hallucinations that I used to interpret as God's hands on me.

 

I've come to learn that before my deconversion, I had a different main person than afterwards. Who is now in charge is atheist, but the previous one, who calls herself "spiritual" is still here. She is triggered to surface when someone "lovingly" tells me their interpretation about God's plan in my life. This happened recently when my roomie recently told me what is her understanding of my deconversion - she said my suffering was due to spiritual warfare over my precious, God-gifted soul. I was able to physically utter the words of disagreement, but I think she could tell that I felt I was sort of lying, because to my surprise, my "spiritual" alter was surfacing strongly and filling me with joy over my roomie understanding her, and making me feel like my atheism is a lie.

 

(Don't blame my roomie this time. I started that conversation because I felt she had to know why I fear for her safety, and I didn't see this coming. I wasn't aware of the alter because she'd effectively been hiding for many months.)

 

When the conversation with my roomie was over, the alter went away again and I had very mixed feelings about the joy I'd felt and the fleeting moment that I was a believer even though I (luckily) had enough control to utter the words "I don't believe in a personal god".

 

The problem is that my "spiritual" alter doesn't even care that the Bible is such a bad book, because she thinks she has a relationship with God and Jesus and that's the very thing - the only thing that matters. She can't be reasoned with. My other alter, who hates all my abusers and knows that this one let one abuse me severely, tried to attack and kill her today but I'm not sure it worked. There's a war going on inside me right now.

 

One reason I'm typing this is that I am honestly afraid that she will grow sick of being "oppressed" and muster up the strength to bring me amnesia. In a good case I will wind up just here, telling you all that atheism is a lie told out of fear of happiness. In a bad case she walks me to church or possibly a hippie drumming night or something and I don't know...I really don't know.

 

Another reason I'm typing this is the hope that someone lurking is struggling with the same thing.

 

Meds don't really help with dissociation itself, though they'd tame down some of the emotions involved, and I've reconsidered starting them again if this gets any scarier. Therapy is a great help for it but I can't do it now due to various reasons, I do wish I could (and will do when it becomes available for me). I have helped countless alters who were stuck in trauma memories, but I'm out of ideas regarding this alter as she thinks she's happy and blessed.

 

I'm trying to think it's a good thing that this alter was brought out, because now I "can" deal with her, but... I don't know how. I also wish I could talk about this to my roomie, as I still think she's my friend, but it just gets so damn complicated and I'm afraid the alter will come up again and do more than just make me feel stuff. Ugh.

That's so fascinating, all these alters acting like redundant systems. Each one dealing with a particular situation, very interesting.

[Guest]

My previous topic on this subject has been locked, but I think this is an important thing to discuss, and I've learned a lot since writing it.

 

I also think there has been some great and very important discussion on the forum about religion and mental illness, and I hope there will be more of it. These topics I start are my input into the subject.

 

So as I've mentioned before, I have a psychiatrist's confirmation that I'm dissociated. I have alters. Creating them has most likely been a way to cope with my traumatic childhood; I had to pretend I was someone else, doing something else, or I wanted so bad to have a certain kind of friend that one was actually born inside my head. I'm lucky that I don't have the severe form of DID that includes periods of amnesia, I'm largely co-conscious, but my alters are able to affect how I act in different situations, especially ones that remind me of trauma, and also other emotional situations. I am able to communicate with them, and I "hear" them talking inside my head in strong, uncontrollable thoughts. In self hypnosis I can go inside as one of them and meet them, and help them out, which gradually is making me less prone to do weird things when triggered, but the work is all but done. I'm still unstable.

 

Sometimes they argue with each other, sometimes they just disturb me when I try to concentrate. I used to think that some of this was Bible-Jesus talking to me, but turns out I just had a "jesus" alter too, heh. I experience my alters so vividly that they are able to even hug me, hit me, etc - in other words they sometimes bring me tactile hallucinations that I used to interpret as God's hands on me.

 

I've come to learn that before my deconversion, I had a different main person than afterwards. Who is now in charge is atheist, but the previous one, who calls herself "spiritual" is still here. She is triggered to surface when someone "lovingly" tells me their interpretation about God's plan in my life. This happened recently when my roomie recently told me what is her understanding of my deconversion - she said my suffering was due to spiritual warfare over my precious, God-gifted soul. I was able to physically utter the words of disagreement, but I think she could tell that I felt I was sort of lying, because to my surprise, my "spiritual" alter was surfacing strongly and filling me with joy over my roomie understanding her, and making me feel like my atheism is a lie.

 

(Don't blame my roomie this time. I started that conversation because I felt she had to know why I fear for her safety, and I didn't see this coming. I wasn't aware of the alter because she'd effectively been hiding for many months.)

 

When the conversation with my roomie was over, the alter went away again and I had very mixed feelings about the joy I'd felt and the fleeting moment that I was a believer even though I (luckily) had enough control to utter the words "I don't believe in a personal god".

 

The problem is that my "spiritual" alter doesn't even care that the Bible is such a bad book, because she thinks she has a relationship with God and Jesus and that's the very thing - the only thing that matters. She can't be reasoned with. My other alter, who hates all my abusers and knows that this one let one abuse me severely, tried to attack and kill her today but I'm not sure it worked. There's a war going on inside me right now.

 

One reason I'm typing this is that I am honestly afraid that she will grow sick of being "oppressed" and muster up the strength to bring me amnesia. In a good case I will wind up just here, telling you all that atheism is a lie told out of fear of happiness. In a bad case she walks me to church or possibly a hippie drumming night or something and I don't know...I really don't know.

 

Another reason I'm typing this is the hope that someone lurking is struggling with the same thing.

 

Meds don't really help with dissociation itself, though they'd tame down some of the emotions involved, and I've reconsidered starting them again if this gets any scarier. Therapy is a great help for it but I can't do it now due to various reasons, I do wish I could (and will do when it becomes available for me). I have helped countless alters who were stuck in trauma memories, but I'm out of ideas regarding this alter as she thinks she's happy and blessed.

 

I'm trying to think it's a good thing that this alter was brought out, because now I "can" deal with her, but... I don't know how. I also wish I could talk about this to my roomie, as I still think she's my friend, but it just gets so damn complicated and I'm afraid the alter will come up again and do more than just make me feel stuff. Ugh.

[Guest]

(I failed at quoting and then adding my post, thanks to my lovely phone)

 

I never knew about alters until you mentioned them. What you are explaining rings so true to me that I am both horrified and relieved that there is an explanation for my feelings. I, too, have a Christian alter. I used to think one of my alters, Jesus, was the Holy Spirit and whatnot. Goodness fucking gracious, you're not alone! I feel like someone is FINALLY speaking my language. As for your Christian alter, I have no idea how to help... I dont know how to help mine. Ive Just been trying to reach her by processing my trauma through EMDR, since my dissociation is all from trauma. EMDR helps me remain present and make my alters go away. Christian Girl will be a tough one, though. For now I just overwhelm her with atheistic facts. I go to work dissociated. Disconnected. I hate it. I do stupid shit at times and act like a child. My alter. The child that never grew up. Maybe we can discuss this more sometime. I'm just glad neither of us is the only one.

[yunea]

(I failed at quoting and then adding my post, thanks to my lovely phone)

I never knew about alters until you mentioned them. What you are explaining rings so true to me that I am both horrified and relieved that there is an explanation for my feelings. I, too, have a Christian alter. I used to think one of my alters, Jesus, was the Holy Spirit and whatnot. Goodness fucking gracious, you're not alone! I feel like someone is FINALLY speaking my language. As for your Christian alter, I have no idea how to help... I dont know how to help mine. Ive Just been trying to reach her by processing my trauma through EMDR, since my dissociation is all from trauma. EMDR helps me remain present and make my alters go away. Christian Girl will be a tough one, though. For now I just overwhelm her with atheistic facts. I go to work dissociated. Disconnected. I hate it. I do stupid shit at times and act like a child. My alter. The child that never grew up. Maybe we can discuss this more sometime. I'm just glad neither of us is the only one.

Ohhhhh... I am in a hospital waiting room right now because there's a full blown panic inside me, and my main person, a responsible atheist adult, is out of ideas other than this. Let's just hope I find a doctor who understands...I came here crying but you made me smile through my tears. Many hugs to you, Abijah, and we can talk when my poor head calms down again.

[Travi]

Keep us up to date yunea. I'm pulling for you my friend, please take care of yourself.

[diggindiddy]

yunea, I am sorry to read that you don't feel well. When your alters are fighting and it can sucks your energy to the point you can't bear to hear them arguing and you are too tired and confused to arbiter between them any more. I know this too much well.

Maybe are you afraid that in some way, Spiritual would "won" this battle and you wouldn't get to be an atheist anymore ? First thing I want to tell you is that this is not possible. If an alter could won the war on the system and make the others disappear, they would. Truth is they can't. All parts of you are there for a reason. Some of them are more the "real and current you" when others are there because of what happened to you before and still need to be processed.

 

Your inner fight is probably like any fight between an believer and a non-believer : the believer is arguing with his emotions and the non-believer is responding with his reason. This is where it seems to go nowhere. Lucky for you, unlike between two distinct persons, inner fights can always be solved. Alters have the possibility to understand each other so deeply that at some point, peace can be found. Right now however, you have to take care of yourself and your alters will have to understand that the need of the body to relax and lower the stress levers is a bigger priority than all of their individual needs. Body first priority.

 

To the alters that really want to speak their mind right know, you can try to make a written promise that when the energy is back, they will get their space to speak and express themself. When the time has come, you can try to make a written conversation between alters. I find these more easy to follow and analyse than just speaking inside my head. I use different fonts to do this. I have a lot of these in my diary, some of them are aggressive, some of them are really deep and there are even hilarious ones.

 

Your spiritual alter has some needs that she needs to express. She maybe feel like she cannot deal with life without the idea of a big meaningful destiny that would be written for her by a great entity. Is she afraid of responsibilities ? Does she think that she cannot take care of herself and make good decision of her own ? Was she hurt by an authority figure that made her believe that she has no strength or right to decide at all ? These are some path you can try to understand her better. Again, don't be afraid of what is happening. The only thing that will eventually happen is that you will be more you, not less.

 

Here is something from the Dune books that I use for myself whenever I need to fight fear :

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

 

Courage.

 

XXX

DD

[yunea]

Keep us up to date yunea. I'm pulling for you my friend, please take care of yourself.

Thanks Travi. 

Luckily I got to talk to a psychiatrist who took me seriously. I was shaky and teary for hours but I'm feeling more stable now.

 

I am back on my little dose of SSRIs for now. I got doctor's orders to do all I can to get my body to calm down, so no studying for a while.

[yunea]

yunea, I am sorry to read that you don't feel well. When your alters are fighting and it can sucks your energy to the point you can't bear to hear them arguing and you are too tired and confused to arbiter between them any more. I know this too much well.

Maybe are you afraid that in some way, Spiritual would "won" this battle and you wouldn't get to be an atheist anymore ? First thing I want to tell you is that this is not possible. If an alter could won the war on the system and make the others disappear, they would. Truth is they can't. All parts of you are there for a reason. Some of them are more the "real and current you" when others are there because of what happened to you before and still need to be processed.

 

Your inner fight is probably like any fight between an believer and a non-believer : the believer is arguing with his emotions and the non-believer is responding with his reason. This is where it seems to go nowhere. Lucky for you, unlike between two distinct persons, inner fights can always be solved. Alters have the possibility to understand each other so deeply that at some point, peace can be found. Right now however, you have to take care of yourself and your alters will have to understand that the need of the body to relax and lower the stress levers is a bigger priority than all of their individual needs. Body first priority.

 

To the alters that really want to speak their mind right know, you can try to make a written promise that when the energy is back, they will get their space to speak and express themself. When the time has come, you can try to make a written conversation between alters. I find these more easy to follow and analyse than just speaking inside my head. I use different fonts to do this. I have a lot of these in my diary, some of them are aggressive, some of them are really deep and there are even hilarious ones.

 

Your spiritual alter has some needs that she needs to express. She maybe feel like she cannot deal with life without the idea of a big meaningful destiny that would be written for her by a great entity. Is she afraid of responsibilities ? Does she think that she cannot take care of herself and make good decision of her own ? Was she hurt by an authority figure that made her believe that she has no strength or right to decide at all ? These are some path you can try to understand her better. Again, don't be afraid of what is happening. The only thing that will eventually happen is that you will be more you, not less.

 

Here is something from the Dune books that I use for myself whenever I need to fight fear :

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

 

Courage.

 

XXX

DD

 

DD, thank you so much for this reply. I read through it carefully many times. I did the written promise that we'd sort things out and everyone gets to speak their minds when the body feels better, but the body has to feel better first. Actually it did lead into a truce, my alters realised you're right in that they can't kill each other that way. I also feel less afraid to confront this now once my body has rested. Thanks again.

 

I have typed out some conversations before where it's been one-on-one with me and an alter. I will see about letting everyone involved speak their mind by typing, it's good to have a record of what happens.

 

Yes, Spiritual has had problems with authorities and wants to have one she can trust with her life now and forever. She is unsure about big decisions and wishes someone would help her with them. She thinks our life began so badly that it has to have a higher purpose. Plus she thinks life just is more beautiful with all the angels and such in it (and indeed, dull without them). I'm not sure what I'll do with this information yet, but maybe I'll know as I get that rest I need.

 

I will face my fear, I will permit it to pass over me and through me. I like that. 

[Travi]

 

Keep us up to date yunea. I'm pulling for you my friend, please take care of yourself.

 

Thanks Travi. 

Luckily I got to talk to a psychiatrist who took me seriously. I was shaky and teary for hours but I'm feeling more stable now.

 

I am back on my little dose of SSRIs for now. I got doctor's orders to do all I can to get my body to calm down, so no studying for a while.

Good, I am so very glad to hear this. Yes, please relax and take it easy!

[Jeff]

Sorry to hear all this. All I can do is just tell you I care and I hope you are able to recover your strength quickly.

You hang in there ok?

[yunea]

Thanks so much for the support, it was much needed and much appreciated. You too Jeff, and Travi as well again. 

 

I'm functioning better now. Not as good as a month ago but much, much better than a week ago. Re-starting my SSRI brought some side effects, but they're slowly going away. The truce in my mind has continued, no violence or panic anymore. My alters are tense around each other though, and getting to the bottom of the problem is complicated.

 

The progress I've made so far is mostly finding out which sides my other alters are taking, if any, and why. My good ideas are few and far between, but at least I don't think anything's gone worse. This is just taking a lot more time and effort than the normal work that I do to help my "minor" alters who are stuck in single trauma memories and melt into me when they understand that the danger is really over, and the others accept the melting. 

 

I'm seeing another professional on Thursday, and we will discuss my chances of getting into trauma therapy. I really really really really hope I can get there, and that if I do, that I get a good therapist who could perhaps push me in the right direction. 

[miamia]

Best wishes yunea! <3

[Guest Les]

What you need to do is not be scared of these 'alters' and 'mental illnesses' which currently seem to have a hold on your life. For a period of time in my life, I felt possessed, like an evil entity had taken over me. I would google stuff online about what to do and came across some great advice: you have to act as if it is not even there... & you cannot pay it the SLIGHTEST attention. This advice has helped me the most when dealing with the unknown. Question: Do you want this 'thing' to overtake you? Answer SHOULD be 'no'. So, if you are brave, please (PLEASE) do not pay your illness/negativity any attention. When you are doing so, you are giving it credit and saying inadvertently that it should be given attention, in a way. This may seem like bad advice to some who have the mentality to "confront your problems head on", but in my opinion, some things should not be messed with, or worshiped. Negative feelings/emotions/sensations are one of them.

[yunea]

I appreciate your reply Les, but for a time I tried to live like my alters aren't there, and they filled me with crippling physical pain and odd symptoms that no doctor could explain (I ran from a test to another and they all came back showing I was in great health). The pain and symptoms went away at once when I sat down and said "ok, you all are real, I am so sorry for not having talked to you". It's not an option to ignore them.

 

My illness needs to be taken care of. It affects the way I function in different situations - meaning I don't black out, but the alters give me feelings, thoughts and urges that can be very inappropriate or destructive. They're very, very strong, and something completely different to how I planned to act. Imagine getting a huge urge to suck your thumb, crawl around and take random naps, and all your limbs feel a meter too long, and it all is such a strong experience you might as well be 3 again (has happened to me). These inappropriate urges and feelings that can be strong enough to guide my behaviours gradually go away when I do pay attention to my alters and lovingly get them to cooperate with me and each other.

 

I know my alters aren't evil and I'm not scared of any individual here (anymore), they're just not getting along yet. With work they will get along, perhaps even melt into me, and I will have much more energy to live the life I want.

[diggindiddy]

I totally support yunea there, Les. Emotions work just like moving energy, and this energy has to get out one way or another. Dissociation is a way for the mind to deal with very strong emotional experiences by slicing the personality into various alters. Alter will carry memories and hide those to the other parts of the mind for a very long time, but the emotional energy will still get out in various unwanted ways like depression, uncontrollable anger bursts, anxiety, obsessive compulsive behaviours, etc...

What you call negative thoughts would be something that is related only to your present life, when what we can experience with dissociation has to do with our past and it cannot be just suppressed or ignored because it already happened. Whenever a dissociated person feels ready to go inside her memory and help alters lighten their burden, she is starting the process of healing. You can't heal or fight what you are not aware of.

[yunea]

For an update, an interesting thing is happening. Some of you noticed from my status updates that me and my Pente roomie are no longer friends. This is mostly due to me figuring out she's lied to me A LOT. Something else is going on within me that I didn't expect.

 

Up until now, my Spiritual alter still, after everything I've been through, had this very naive belief that all "True Believers" are less likely to lie and thus make great friends for me. She is now just as disappointed in my roomie as I am, if not actually more because it was her who thought that God changes the believer's heart into one unwilling to be so dishonest. 

She's had to take a huge step back and is now thinking stuff over, changing. In the meantime she is bothering me (and my other alters) a lot less with her attraction to Christianity and Christians. I don't know what she's changing into yet.

 

My mood has improved a lot with the tension going down, but my logical brain isn't working yet as my energy is all going into my alters' attempts to sort things out and survive this mess.

I was attempting to complete a Python coding course that I'd had a promising start to before my breakdown, and returned a pile of bullshit code to my teacher, who hated it and let me know about it, too. He let me pass the course mostly because my earlier work was okay, but made it pretty clear that he was left thinking I am completely unable to do any maths whatsoever (because my every single calculation was wrong, down to the most basic ones) and that I need to go back to year 1 of my studies (I'm much farther than that). He also possibly thinks now that someone helped me out with all my earlier efforts. 

 

It's a new experience. I'm used to either doing very well or disappearing in shame. Taking that much negative critique (that I know I deserved based on my code, mind you) was hard, but then again - I'm still studying and not working, I didn't permanently ruin anything, and if my logical brain wakes up again (I hope it does) I can prove him wrong. I am a bit sorry to have wasted his time with whatever I returned but... then again that's a part of being a teacher, sometimes grading people's bad jobs and letting them know it wasn't okay. 

 

This brings forth a new problem with my dissociation. I can always talk well, smile, and look much more stable than I really am. I can smile when I say I feel awful. It makes me look dishonest. Doctors understand this if I begin my meeting with them by mentioning it, but with a person who isn't a doctor or otherwisely familiar with this stuff, it gets very weird. 

 

Oh, also, I made a huge step by writing an anonymous letter to a local "Victims of Religion" association, talking about my experiences following Jesus into the New Agey world, AND even a bit about my dissociation (mostly that I actually had a Jesus alter and that's why he felt so real). They were very pleased to have it because I had a point of view that rarely gets talked about yet, and they published it immediately, hoping that it'll attract more letters and that eventually those things, including the dangers of New Age, will be talked about more and more openly. That was very, very exciting! 

[Margee]

For an update

 

That was very, very exciting! 

 

Honey, I am so glad you are doing a bit better. You just keep up the good work and soon you will find your one true self. You are one hell of a smart lady and it is so good to see you taking the right steps towards your healing. In my very own way, I kind of understand disassociating because I have always been able to do that. I remember very well a grief councilor asking me one time when I was completely numbed out over my sister's death, 'Why was I smiling'?..... and I could not answer her. I did not like showing my depression to anyone for some reason?

 

Anyway, keep going sweetie and keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

Big ((hug))

[Jeff]

Hi yunea.

Thanks for the update. I didn't know you were doing python!

We'll talk sometime in a less serious thread about that.

Hang in there my friend.

[yunea]

For an update

 

That was very, very exciting! 

 

Honey, I am so glad you are doing a bit better. You just keep up the good work and soon you will find your one true self. You are one hell of a smart lady and it is so good to see you taking the right steps towards your healing. In my very own way, I kind of understand disassociating because I have always been able to do that. I remember very well a grief councilor asking me one time when I was completely numbed out over my sister's death, 'Why was I smiling'?..... and I could not answer her. I did not like showing my depression to anyone for some reason?

 

Anyway, keep going sweetie and keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

Big ((hug))

 

 

Thanks so much Margee. I too think I will get there one day. It's slowly looking more and more promising, I will update in a bit as to why I think so.

 

You are right, many humans do temporarily dissociate in times of extreme stress or grief just to survive the day. I'm sorry you felt so numb. It's strange to intellectually recognise that you should be feeling a certain way, but you either don't feel a thing, or get an emotion that doesn't fit.  

 

Big ((hug)) back to you Margee dear. 

[yunea]

Hi yunea.

Thanks for the update. I didn't know you were doing python!

We'll talk sometime in a less serious thread about that.

Hang in there my friend.

 

Hey Jeff, yes I am doing Python, or attempting to at least! My last effort was utterly horrible though, I really hope my logical brain can get back to its earlier level of performance soon enough... but once it does, we sure can talk.

Thanks so much. 

[yunea]

An update - last night I felt my Spiritual alter wanted attention, and my bf happened to ask some very good questions that I let her answer straight to him.

 

She always had this "God loves me and that makes me happy, it could make you happy too" cover, but it turns out that underneath it she had a huge broken heart and a feeling that she was unworthy of human love - including the love of other alters. In fact she thought she was hated by everyone and that God's love for her would make up for all of it if she just waited it out. That's akin to the mindset I had when I first became Christian (only more extreme), so it makes sense that at the bottom she still had it.

 

When my bf suggested to her that there might be no God, she went into a huge panic and wanted to hurt herself, and that's when I stopped the conversation and focused on getting her to calm down. To my joy though, my other alters rushed over to hug her and tell her she was, in fact, loved. Even the ones she fought earlier, and the ones she dropped bombs over when they were at war before that. The very alter who tried to strangle her with her own hands appeared, and whispered to her "hey there, I forgive you". They were still group hugging when I went to bed soon afterwards, very worn out. 

 

My energy levels are very low still, but so is my anxiety now, so this feels very positive. 

[miamia]

An update - last night I felt my Spiritual alter wanted attention, and my bf happened to ask some very good questions that I let her answer straight to him.

 

She always had this "God loves me and that makes me happy, it could make you happy too" cover, but it turns out that underneath it she had a huge broken heart and a feeling that she was unworthy of human love - including the love of other alters. In fact she thought she was hated by everyone and that God's love for her would make up for all of it if she just waited it out. That's akin to the mindset I had when I first became Christian (only more extreme), so it makes sense that at the bottom she still had it.

 

When my bf suggested to her that there might be no God, she went into a huge panic and wanted to hurt herself, and that's when I stopped the conversation and focused on getting her to calm down. To my joy though, my other alters rushed over to hug her and tell her she was, in fact, loved. Even the ones she fought earlier, and the ones she dropped bombs over when they were at war before that. The very alter who tried to strangle her with her own hands appeared, and whispered to her "hey there, I forgive you". They were still group hugging when I went to bed soon afterwards, very worn out. 

 

My energy levels are very low still, but so is my anxiety now, so this feels very positive. 

Yunea I am so glad