The Proper Dose Of Selfishness

[diggindiddy]

I have a question for all Xians.

 

Christianity basically teaches us that being selfish is a sin, and therefore any amount of it is not good. Problem is part of being human means sometimes putting me before others, because nobody is a fucking saint and everybody has needs and desires that cannot be ignored forever. On the other hand, if you never think about other's needs or desires, you might end up alone living with a dozen cats and I'm pretty sure that's nobody's life plan.

 

When I was christian I used to justify selfish moments by "I really need it" or "I am entitled to it". Whenever I could not convince myself of that, I felt guilt. I am pretty sure that kids who grew up in secular homes have been told to deal with their selfish desires way better than christian kids, and I am craving for that knowledge.

 

Did you find a good balance of selfishness ? Could you get over the guilt, and how ?

 

XXX

DD

[yunea]

I'm still working on it. My default behaviour is to keep quiet and be "ok" with everything (especially with not having something). However, I'm slowly learning that the people who are willing to deal with me in the first place find it relieving if I do say out loud what I'm hoping for. It's a strange thing to learn after such an upbringing.

[quinntar]

I have a question for all Xians.

 

Christianity basically teaches us that being selfish is a sin, and therefore any amount of it is not good. Problem is part of being human means sometimes putting me before others, because nobody is a fucking saint and everybody has needs and desires that cannot be ignored forever. On the other hand, if you never think about other's needs or desires, you might end up alone living with a dozen cats and I'm pretty sure that's nobody's life plan.

 

When I was christian I used to justify selfish moments by "I really need it" or "I am entitled to it". Whenever I could not convince myself of that, I felt guilt. I am pretty sure that kids who grew up in secular homes have been told to deal with their selfish desires way better than christian kids, and I am craving for that knowledge.

 

Did you find a good balance of selfishness ? Could you get over the guilt, and how ?

 

XXX

DD

I don't think guilt is telling you anything else than to listen to yourself. Guilt for me seemed to come when I was trying to think I was doing right or wrong for others. But I realized that I only had to know what was right and wrong for myself, then POOF! The guilt was gone.

[miamia]

I started thinking about this as a kid once I heard someone talking about the idea that you can't really act without a selfish impulse. I thought, Is this so? I thought about everything I did. Pretty much everything I did could be connected to wanting something for myself. You even do things because YOU want to see others happy, granted, this is not what most people would define as selfishness, most people use the word selfishness to describe a self centered action that deprives someone else of something nice. 

Here's the catch though, selfishness and stealing are different. Stealing is taking someone else's things. Selfishness is keeping something to yourself that could otherwise be enjoyed by others, and having a right to do so. We have been taught to think that it is shameful to be selfish,but the act of selflessness for someone else's enjoyment is a social tool that belongs to the individual to use at their discretion. 

People like to be shared with, people like when others are not selfish with their things and actions. It's a gesture that builds relationships. But the problem is that many are taught that sharing is an inseparable part of etiquette as a rule. It's not often said outright,at least by adults, but the impression is that others are entitled to your things/decision making,  even in cases where the outcome won't actually effect their well being. But the line of what others feel they are entitled to varies widely, and can be used manipulatively. So it can be damaging to teach selflessness as a rule. 

I teach my kid not to hoard the toys when other children come over. but there are ones that he doesn't have to share, and I tell him that. But because I share with him, and I point out how happy it makes him feel when someone else shares, he almost always shares,  If parents are going to teach their kids to be successful as individuals they have to teach them what sharing accomplishes, and let them know that they own their own yes and no, that some things are theirs, and some things are for everyone. Helping someone else or giving someone something they need is another story.

I don't want my kid to be unconsciously selfless in situations where it isn't necessary. I don't want other kids/adults to be able to guilt him by saying "But I said PLEASE" or "But I did this for you, now you have to do this for me" or "I won't play with you if you don't give me x y z." I don't want him feeling guilt when he decides to enjoy something by himself.  You have to teach your kid to say "no, gtf away from my stuff you leech!" If someone is trying to take advantage. I also don't want him thinking that others are subject to his whim. As an adult, that can turn him into something dangerous.

Too often I see kids being taught not only to share everything, but never to ask someone else to share because it's rude. Like,are you trying to create a kid that buckles to peer pressure? Because this submissive behavior carries over to other areas of life as well where it can be really, really damaging. 

 

Sharing to build relationships is an act that benefits you. You don't want to bond with everyone.  You want to save your unselfishness for people that matter to you.

 

[MOHO]

Completely up to the holder of self and stuff.

 

But I can't help thinking how much better the world would be if we all shared more. Except for religious propaganda. 

 

I WILL say that sharing is a choice - as has been pointed out here. So da gubment should not be taking a chunk of my paycheck to share with the tweakers downtown who do not appreciate it anyway.  

[diggindiddy]

 "But I did this for you, now you have to do this for me"

 

I remember when I was sharing an apartment with my cousin (raised same christian faith as me). She uses to do all kind of things for me that I never asked for, and suddenly one day asking for a huge favour. If I dared to say no, she would yell at me something like "that's the least you can do after all I did for you !" 

 

I also realized something : when people around me who I see as "better" than me are very cool with my flaws, I tend to never say anything when they do something annoying to me. It's like I am anticipating the moment they would say to me "I did not say anything about when you did this and that !"... but two wrongs don't make a right and from now I decided that I will speak out when somebody crosses a line, even if I did cross a line at some point too. My flaws are certainly not a good reason for me to accept anything from others as if I don't deserve the same rights as everybody else to say "No!". (yunea I think this relates to what you said too)

 

theanticrash, I liked what you said about guilt. I also think that guilt is almost never useful. Most of the time it's exaggerated, unproductive, and more important : it does not help us to do better. Guilt can even paralyse you in a state where you believe that you are so damaged that you will never do anything right and that you should even stop trying.

 

XXX

DD