Gone

[Travellingfemme]

Writing in my room, to an audience of strangers,

sad, but true, who else can I go to?

If only someone had actually died, a person, a face, memories of touch, hugs, laughter, tears,

instead, I miss you, but I never really knew you, you never really knew me.

I was always chasing after you, harder, faster, deeper, but you never answered me.

For years I believed you loved me, but cowered in the corners of my mind in fear,

this abominable sin, that horrific thought, oh God, I'm a criminal, a sinner, a nutcase.

Forgive me, forgive me, please help me.

The thoughts grew into mountains, mountains which became harder to climb.

I was exhausted, burnt out, hopeless, yet the hope kept me alive.

I had a reason to live, a purpose, answers, and the questions, well they too were a reason to live.

I was different, different to the crowd, my friends and that made me special, unique, 'pure.'

I always felt like I had one foot in the real world and one foot in the kingdom, like a schizophrenic.

When I finally grew tired of the cruelty, the search, the road, the slog, the suffering, I left and it felt

amazing. Liberating, like I was 12 again. My eyes sparkled, I felt so hopeful.

Now, 2 years on, I am empty, heavy, grey. I stand, I talk, I work, I live, I drink, I laugh, I even have sex, but it's all hollow.

I have no core. Like a plug pulled, all my bath water has come out.

And the thoughts, "I'm not ok," I'm mad," "I'll never be happy again," like a taunting, haunting mantra have become my constant companion.

Who can I tell? Who will understand? I can't just 'positive think' this away. Something has snapped...something has broken. I can't get it back, me back, you back, my hope back, my dreams back.

The energy, the prayers, the letters I wrote to you, all of it wasted. Precious moments, days, years of my life stuck in guilty, fearful agony, occasionally drizzled with moments of peace or joy...which made the fight worth it.

What do I do now? Can I really heal? What's happened to my brain, my mind, my heart?

If only someone could step inside and feel what I feel, maybe then they'd understand.

Death, divorce, grief. My Father, lover, friend...you died all at once and I don't know how to recover.

[miamia]

(hugs) travellingfemme, you are not alone. My heart goes out to you. It's going to be ok. I know you have probably heard that a lot but it's really true. It will take time. If your depression is extreme, you should find a good secular therapist. this site is an amazing resource to hear stories and talk to others who have had a similar experience though. 

Idk if you are looking for advice or just to vent. but your writing is beautiful and your story will resonate with many others here, including my own in some ways

[Jeff]

Welcome. You can recover nicely.

My wife was so in love her whole life with Jesus and that special relationship she thought she had. Then she didn't.

 

I will say that she is now a better friend, lover, mother, spouse now than she ever was before and she is far happier than when she was serving a god.

I'm not belittling your grief as it is real, but you can heal and thrive. One day you can look back and see how you have improved.

Be patient and just work through it a day at a time.

[qadeshet]

Travellingfemme, Posted Today, 07:57 AM

 

Really touching eximony. If it helps, many of us experienced much the same.

 

 

Writing in my room, to an audience of strangers...

 

Stay with us a while, and you'll find that we may become more a family than your "real" family.

 

 

sad, but true, who else can I go to?

 

Yeally, you can tell us. We try to be good listeners.

 

 

For years I believed you loved me, but cowered in the corners of my mind in fear,

this abominable sin, that horrific thought, oh God, I'm a criminal, a sinner, a nutcase.

Forgive me, forgive me, please help me.

The thoughts grew into mountains, mountains which became harder to climb.

 

 

The second stage of De-conversion, Doubt. More and more cracks appear in your Christian Worldview.

 

 

I was exhausted, burnt out, hopeless, yet the hope kept me alive.

 

Stage 3, The Darkness. No one can stay here long, it's just too painful. If you are unready to move to stage 4, Illumination, you fall back to stage 3 for a while.

 

 

When I finally grew tired of the cruelty, the search, the road, the slog, the suffering, I left and it felt

amazing. Liberating, like I was 12 again. My eyes sparkled, I felt so hopeful.

 

 

Stage 4, Illumination! For me this felt like the entire weight of the World was removed from my shoulders. I can still feel that wonderful moment I became Free at last! However, that much Freedom is a little scary, so I had to take a step back. My old Christian Worldview was demolished. So I decided to take one thing from Christianity, the Golden Rule. I decided that I was going to treat others the way I wanted to be treated. Eventually I discovered that Plato, and others actually said it first.

 

 

Who can I tell? Who will understand? I can't just 'positive think' this away. Something has snapped...something has broken. I can't get it back, me back, you back, my hope back, my dreams back.

 

We have been there and we'll do our best to help. Your old Worldview was destroyed and you lost your old self. I created a new Worldview using Science and Reason. You say you can't "positive think this away", but happiness comes from within. Choose to be happy, with the same certainty that you had from Belief. Don't look back, for your old self is dead. Look forward and rebuild yourself. No one ever said that any of this was going to be easy.

 

Anyway, your post was awsome and we'll be glad to have you here as long as you like. I joined ex-C in '05. I hope we can help, and no, you are not alone.

[qadeshet]

If you like, the links below may help.

 

Into the Clear Air: including the stages of De-Conversion

Into the Clear Air: Extended Testimonies

 

Again, welcome!

[Burny]

Thx for sharing this beautiful poem. It's heart breaking to read and makes me angry that people continue to ask, "what's the harm of xtianity"? You are experiencing the harm. We've all experienced it.

[Guest]

This is an extremely raw and beautiful poem, it's rare that people can so capture their emotional state in such a artistic way. You seem like a good and genuine person.

 

I've gone through rough moments in my life, scoring a 7 out of 10 on the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences). Yet, the impact of losing my faith and religious centric identity was perhaps more painful and damaging than all the rest. When one chases after and invests their love into a cultural/self created delusion, and finds that they've been lifting up the cry of their hearts to the wind. It can leave the universe feeling very quiet and lonely.

 

The fact of the matter is, we are not alone in this world and there are people there for us to love, communicate, and connect with. Though one has to be realistic and recognize also when they need the help of a mental professional, because we can carry our pain down to the foundational structures of our mind. Subconsciously bubbling up to the surface in conscious experience, through a outcry of spontaneous weeping, or fiery anger.

 

I wish you well on your journey, and don't forget about your fellow sojourners in life.

[Margee]

 Your poem was beautiful hon. So many of us can relate to this. Grieving takes time sweetie. Getting used to someone not being in your life anymore can take up to 5 years before we start to create a new life for ourselves.. You hang in there with us...we've got your back.

 

Big (hug)

[SinEater]

It's interesting to see a testimony with feelings attached to it. When God and I parted ways, it was in no way emotional. It was more or less a new chapter, the ending to the previous one being bland and nonsensical.

 

I hope this God business doesn't hurt your heart too much..

 

 

Peace