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Goodbye Jesus

Boundaries With Christian Relatives


Naughtyhamster

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I haven't spoken with some of my Christian relatives for three years due to some shit that my uncle said about me and my mom after my grandmother died in 2012. If you remember these relatives used to say things behind my back to my grandmother when she was alive, and sent me some rather nasty e-mails once when my grandmother had a health crisis. After my grandmother died, my uncle kept on saying shit about me and my mom to my face, and threatening to put my physically disabled mom in a convalescent home.

 

Well, it seems like every holiday my uncle still sends a letter talking all the vacations, religious things, and cool stuff that he, my aunt, and cousins are doing. In his most recent letter he said my aunt had cancer, and one of my cousins got divorced then remarried. I truly want to be kind and contact him to see how my aunt and everyone is doing, but I don't want to hear him say shit about me or my mother or talk about money ( he's a cheapskate who tries to push his money saving ideas on other people). I'm just wanting to be connected with family again as they seem to be having a hard time at the moment. However, I would like to make some boundaries about things if I decide to contact my Christian relatives again. What kind of boundaries should I make for people who are well off arrogant Christians who think they know it all?  

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Forgive me, but if I may make an observation it seems that your troubles have nothing to do with your family being Christian. What you described fits some of my relatives with surprising accuracy, and we are all Hindu. Don't get me wrong, I'm always eager to make Jesus Christ my punching bag, but I don't know that this one's on him.

 

My parents' approach tends to be to not talk to people like this under any circumstances. At first glance this might seem like a sure path to isolation, and indeed my parents' personal pride has kept them away from most of the family. That said, I've noticed that they seem quite happy and content. In fact my mom visited her brother in-law recently, regretted the trip after being reminded of all his unpleasant character flaws. Obviously your mileage may vary, but it seems that it's at least possible to be happy cutting ties with family with whom you share nothing in common.

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Please excuse the extra posts as my computer does some weird stuff at times. 

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Don't know why he's sending you stuff other than to maybe bait you. Is there another relative less disagreeable that you could contact to get news and send letters of support? I guess I would treat them like the children they are acting like: when they act up, just say, very calmly, that you don't appreciate that and that you will hang up if they continue. Then, do it!

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Please excuse the extra posts as my computer does some weird stuff at times. 

I hid them for you hon.

 

Just like Daff suggested, is there not someone else in the family that you could go through to continue to have some connections? Does it have yo be this uncle? 

 

(hug)

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I haven't spoken with some of my Christian relatives for three years due to some shit that my uncle said about me and my mom after my grandmother died in 2012. If you remember these relatives used to say things behind my back to my grandmother when she was alive, and sent me some rather nasty e-mails once when my grandmother had a health crisis. After my grandmother died, my uncle kept on saying shit about me and my mom to my face, and threatening to put my physically disabled mom in a convalescent home.

 

Well, it seems like every holiday my uncle still sends a letter talking all the vacations, religious things, and cool stuff that he, my aunt, and cousins are doing. In his most recent letter he said my aunt had cancer, and one of my cousins got divorced then remarried. I truly want to be kind and contact him to see how my aunt and everyone is doing, but I don't want to hear him say shit about me or my mother or talk about money ( he's a cheapskate who tries to push his money saving ideas on other people). I'm just wanting to be connected with family again as they seem to be having a hard time at the moment. However, I would like to make some boundaries about things if I decide to contact my Christian relatives again. What kind of boundaries should I make for people who are well off arrogant Christians who think they know it all?  

 

It's best to let go of the past and live for the moment. Contact him, if you like and see if, maybe, he's grown as a person, as you have. It would seem that you have much to gain, and little to lose. Be the bigger person.

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I haven't spoken with some of my Christian relatives for three years due to some shit that my uncle said about me and my mom after my grandmother died in 2012. If you remember these relatives used to say things behind my back to my grandmother when she was alive, and sent me some rather nasty e-mails once when my grandmother had a health crisis. After my grandmother died, my uncle kept on saying shit about me and my mom to my face, and threatening to put my physically disabled mom in a convalescent home.

 

Well, it seems like every holiday my uncle still sends a letter talking all the vacations, religious things, and cool stuff that he, my aunt, and cousins are doing. In his most recent letter he said my aunt had cancer, and one of my cousins got divorced then remarried. I truly want to be kind and contact him to see how my aunt and everyone is doing, but I don't want to hear him say shit about me or my mother or talk about money ( he's a cheapskate who tries to push his money saving ideas on other people). I'm just wanting to be connected with family again as they seem to be having a hard time at the moment. However, I would like to make some boundaries about things if I decide to contact my Christian relatives again. What kind of boundaries should I make for people who are well off arrogant Christians who think they know it all?  

 

 

Ignore the uncle.  Make contact with other family members (aunt, cousins) directly.  If the uncle tries to intervene, tell him to stay out of it.

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I haven't spoken with some of my Christian relatives for three years due to some shit that my uncle said about me and my mom after my grandmother died in 2012. If you remember these relatives used to say things behind my back to my grandmother when she was alive, and sent me some rather nasty e-mails once when my grandmother had a health crisis. After my grandmother died, my uncle kept on saying shit about me and my mom to my face, and threatening to put my physically disabled mom in a convalescent home.

 

Well, it seems like every holiday my uncle still sends a letter talking all the vacations, religious things, and cool stuff that he, my aunt, and cousins are doing. In his most recent letter he said my aunt had cancer, and one of my cousins got divorced then remarried. I truly want to be kind and contact him to see how my aunt and everyone is doing, but I don't want to hear him say shit about me or my mother or talk about money ( he's a cheapskate who tries to push his money saving ideas on other people). I'm just wanting to be connected with family again as they seem to be having a hard time at the moment. However, I would like to make some boundaries about things if I decide to contact my Christian relatives again. What kind of boundaries should I make for people who are well off arrogant Christians who think they know it all?  

I have similar relatives and my advice is to stay away and let sleeping dogs lie. I understand that you want to take the high road, but they've already shown you they won't respond in kind. When people show you who they are, listen to them.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Do we have the same uncle??  I say that purely in jest, but my uncle is very similar.  We used to be very close (because I was the "good" niece who believed in Jesus), but since distancing myself from the church (he doesn't know I've fully deconverted -- he'd give me an earful about it, and I just don't want to deal with the battle....he can be pretty mean...last time religion came up he tried to kick me out of his house at midnight with nowhere to go, as I live 8 hours from them and was visiting for Thanksgiving -- so I keep my mouth shut).  I honestly don't know how to deal with him, and while I don't care if it drives a wedge between him and me, his wife is my mom's sister and we've always been VERY close, since I was a little child and long before he was in the picture.  But my aunt is beginning to change due to his controlling Christian male-privilege "thing," and I can't stand it. I want that close relationship with my aunt to continue, but his self-righteous baloney makes me want nothing to do with him, but they're a packaged deal, so if I won't come around him, I can't be around my aunt.  My family doesn't see why dealing with him is such a big deal, but while he gets self-righteous and preaches at everyone, he definitely baits and targets me.  I just don't like the drama, so I don't want to put myself in a position where I have to have contact with him.  But...he's still family, and I want to keep in touch with my aunt, so it's not quite that simple.

All that to say, I completely understand your frustration and dilemma.  I hope you're able to figure it out.  Let me know if you find a solution that works well for you so that I can take notes!

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