Leaving False Assurances, Trusting Doubts

[VAmountaineer]

Hello there, everyone. I’ve been registered here for a few months now, and even have commented on a few posts, but I never actually posted my ex-timony. I guess you can say that I’ve been in the de-conversion process for approximately three years, even though there definitely were cracks in my faith beforehand.

 

 

I am a graduate of an independent Baptist high school and Liberty University. When I attended Liberty U, the now-late Reverend Jerry Falwell routinely asked the student body, “Do you know that you know, that you know?" His question admonished listeners to examine their hearts to be “sure” they were “saved” from eternal torment through faith in Jesus Christ.

 

At the time, Rev. Falwell’s spiritual advances felt perfectly normal to me. The eternal state of my soul had been the concern of many preachers, teachers, mentors, family members, and friends before him. My entire life prior to college had been immersed in the conservative evangelical/Baptist fundamentalist culture, and most of my childhood, adolescent, and college peers lived a similar life. While some of them felt forced into living such a life, I didn’t. I was very spiritually impressionable, devoutly internalizing the teachings of my elders. In fact, during my senior of high school, the school administration and faculty distinguished me with an award that honored, in their view, the most "Christ-like" student!!! Lol…

Admittedly, I battled doubts, and at times, experienced spiritual and moral failures. However, my identity as a Christian never faded. My perceived relationship with God, including my belief in the core teachings of Christianity, defined me. It was the center pointe of my life.

 

Believing to be in the hands of an all-knowing and all-powerful God, my time at Liberty University was spent pursuing a bachelor of science degree in psychology and actively being involved in a local Calvary Chapel, which was part of a moderately charismatic and staunchly dispensational affiliation of churches. They prided themselves on teaching through the whole Bible verse-by-verse. I had hoped to live-out my faith in both the mental health profession and church ministry. I also married a college girlfriend that I "knew" God wanted me to marry. (Unfortunately, this marriage is now dissolved. However, it resulted in two beautiful and delightful children, which I cannot imagine life without.)

From a certain viewpoint, those were the "good ol' days." Life made sense, generally speaking. There was a book, the Holy Bible. It was God's infallible, inerrant "love letter" to humanity, detailing our origins, diagnosing our problems (usually sin and/or a sinful nature), and prescribing our salvation. It even foretold how the world will end! There was also the Holy Spirit, which lives inside every bona fide believer, directing the expansion and maturity of the universal Church (i.e., the whole body of Christian believers world-wide) until the end of ages.

Most certainly (I believed), God's power provided every bona fide believer with all things that pertain to this life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). Henceforth, we Christians possessed superior wisdom in this life. "Do you not know that the saints will judge the world," the apostle Paul asked. "And if the world is to be judged by you, are you incompetent to try trivial cases? Do you not know that we are to judge angels? How much more, then, matters pertaining to this life!" (1 Corinthians 6:2-3, English Standard Version).

In my experience, the one thing that conservative evangelical Christianity breeds is a false sense of certainty about life. Fast forward my life approximately 13 years after graduating from Liberty University, my faith was on life support, even after remaining regularly involved in “bible believing churches” (i.e., Calvary Chapel, Sovereign Grace Ministries, Presbyterian Church of America, etc.). Divorced from my first wife, my kids lived four hours away from me. I felt ditched by a lot of long-term Christian friends due to the divorce, and I found myself seeking secular mental health treatment from a licensed psychologist and psychiatrist for issues pertaining to depression and generalized anxiety disorder.

If truth be told, I had been suffering from these symptoms for most of my adolescent and adult life Based on my family history, I have a strong genetic proclivity toward depression and anxiety. The prior eight to ten months, however, saw an upsurge in these symptoms. I wasn't suicidal, but I also knew that I could not survive in this state the rest of my life.

In several of the therapy sessions, I disclosed grief and fear over spiritual doubts and unbelief. My psychologist astutely noted that, due to my brain chemistry, I may always live with existential doubt/uncertainty. "You may never come to a satisfactory conclusion in your mind," she stated on several occasions. She encouraged me to accept my doubts without allowing them to prevent me from living a meaningful life. 

Her advice was a hard pill for me to swallow!!! With Christianity's fixation on adhering to creeds, theology, and firm beliefs, I found it very difficult to follow my psychologist's suggestion. I did, however, successfully implement the same principal as it pertained to dealing with depression and anxiety. This is the principal of acceptance, which, for me, means embracing the fact that I'm inclined towards melancholy and anxiety. It's who I am, but it's only a part of who I am. I can still live a directed, meaningful life, especially with the assistance of responsible medication use.

In 2014, I finally mustered the courage to squarely face my existential doubts, knowing that they wouldn't just go away. Doubt, I concluded, actually may be an indicator of something awry about my religious tradition. I determined to follow what I thought to be true despite the consequences. To assist me in this endeavor, I studied, and continue to study, early Christian history (i.e., first 700 years or so), biblical criticism, evolution, neuroscience, psychology, and even certain aspects of Judaism, Confucianism, and Buddhism. I have listened to dozens of YouTube debates between Christian apologists and their opponents.

 

 

This was, and continues to be, an extremely eye-opening experience!!! I now know that my former churches and schools fed me half-truths and highly filtered information. It was a lot of pure propaganda.

In addition to my studies, I retrospectively tapped into my experiences of living almost four decades inside the American Christian culture, noting the lifestyles, behaviors, and beliefs of hundreds of Christian believers. The good, the bad, and the ugly…hindsight truly can be 20/20! Some of these individuals, I admire, and others, I dismiss. Most of them, however, fall somewhere in between -- decent people who sometimes act upon beliefs that are born out of ignorance, half-truths, and falsehoods. Sadly, these same Christians, while acting upon their religious convictions, often harm themselves and others. They then exacerbate the harm by touting a special connection to God (or special understanding of the "truth") while rationalizing unloving, unethical, and questionable behaviors.

 

Regrettably, the whole course of Christian history has been marred by this dynamic. It even has been characterized, at times, by violence over doctrinal matters, religious persecutions, hysteria, slavery, forgeries, and more. Prior to seriously studying Christian history, I mistakenly believed that it primarily had a celebrated history with a few dark stains, but in reality (as far as I can tell), the opposite is true.

I just got sick of trying to rationalize everything away. Admittedly, a lot of these shortcomings largely can be accounted for by human nature, and a lot of humble Christians actually do admit to being blinded to certain flaws in their character, which is probably the case for all of us. However, is Christianity's lackluster history a result an all-powerful God's plan being frustrated by the immature squabbling of his earthly children? Or does Christian history, pervasively shaped by the "sin nature" of its adherents, simply suggest that Christians are not the sole couriers of ultimate and unchanging truth, divine wisdom, and power? I'm afraid it is the latter.

I haven’t come-out about my unbelief to anybody but my current wife and an atheist acquaintance who used to be a believer himself. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones in that my wife, who still professes faith, has been very supportive of me (She admits to struggling with a lot of the same doubts but chooses to still walk in her faith, which I can respect). I really fear about my mom learning the truth. She believes but struggles with severe depression and other health issues. I know Christianity hasn’t helped her heal, but it is a crutch of comfort for her. I don’t want to do anything to take it away.

 

I also hesitate to tell others because, even though I know what I don’t believe anymore, I don’t know where my journey is taking me. My wife encouraged me to start a blog to layout my thoughts, which I very recently did (followingdoubt.blogpost.com).    

 

 

 

Anyways, there’s a lot more to say, but I'll spare you, the reader...lol. Thanks for reading this post. It's good to be here. J

[Margee]

 

From a certain viewpoint, those were the "good ol' days." Life made sense, generally speaking. There was a book, the Holy Bible. It was God's infallible, inerrant "love letter" to humanity, detailing our origins, diagnosing our problems (usually sin and/or a sinful nature), and prescribing our salvation. It even foretold how the world will end! There was also the Holy Spirit, which lives inside every bona fide believer, directing the expansion and maturity of the universal Church (i.e., the whole body of Christian believers world-wide) until the end of ages.

 

 

Welcome to Ex-c VA. And thank you so much for sharing your story. Jerry Falwell was one of my hero's. I remember taking a course through mail about 25 years ago through the university. I remember well how much I loved those 15 VCR tapes and would play them on the TV and study so hard to become a better 'woman for god'. When I passed the end exam, I was so pleased to hang a 'godly' certificate on my wall. (The course cost me a fortune back then!!) I watched him every week on the gospel channel and he was a true fundamentalist and his doctrines were very close to the Pentecostal church I attended (with the exception of a few things.) I was so proud to be one of his followers.

 

I related to many, many things you said in your testimony. I also loved how belonging to christianity gave me a 'map' of life. It seemed so simple back then. God had a plan for your life and when you died, if you were saved, you would get to go to heaven with him. I tried so hard to save all my loved ones so they could be with me in heaven. Yet, I was always a little scared I wouldn't make it and I would be one of the ones that jesus would turn to in the end and say: ''Turn away from me - I never knew you''.

 

 It takes some of us a very long time to deconvert depending on how brainwashed we got. I don't think I will ever be 100% free and I have accepted that. I practise 'acceptance' everyday now. I still ask the christian god every now and again to make 'himself' known to me and absolutely nothing happens. My testimony was a 'Please Forgive Me' letter to god.... http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/page-1#.V3JvQfkrKUk

 

I hope you will continue to post here. We have bible scholars on Ex-c that know the bible better than any religious person because they have studied all the history and the inconsistencies. They can show you many things. We even have some pastors on board here which is wonderful. I  hope you will be comforted knowing that you are not alone in your doubts of the christian god or bible.

 

I am looking forward to reading more from you. Post all your worries and concerns. It was the gang here at Ex- c who saved me from almost losing my mind when I first joined here with all my doubts.

 

Go and enjoy your day and have some fun. You are very lucky to have the support of your wife. Many don't here and it makes deconverting so much harder.

 

You're going to be alright. We've got your back.

 

(hug)

[miamia]

Welcome!

[qadeshet]

7 members, 43 guests, 1 anonymous users

 

VAmountaineer, we are happy you're back!

 

 

I don’t know where my journey is taking me.

 

Is it possible that you journey brought you here?

 

 

I just got sick of trying to rationalize everything away. Admittedly, a lot of these shortcomings largely can be accounted for by human nature, and a lot of humble Christians actually do admit to being blinded to certain flaws in their character, which is probably the case for all of us. However, is Christianity's lackluster history a result an all-powerful God's plan being frustrated by the immature squabbling of his earthly children? Or does Christian history, pervasively shaped by the "sin nature" of its adherents, simply suggest that Christians are not the sole couriers of ultimate and unchanging truth, divine wisdom, and power? I'm afraid it is the latter.

 

The Thread "Did Jesus Exist" might help; The stages of Deconversion:

 

Into the Clear Air - Patheos

Phases Of Deconversion - Pinned Ex-Christian Life - Ex-Christian.Net

 

Christianity, in fact all Religions, aren't worth the trouble. Their only real Mission is to redistribute wealth. They have failed.

 

We hope that you come more often! Cheers!

[GirlOnFire]

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote!  The church I was once deeply entrenched in (and that psychologically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually abused me) was a Calvary Chapel.  I have spent an extensive amount of time researching that denomination's structure and theology, and the more I do, the scarier it gets.  (Needless to say, so much about my experience there makes sense now that I've investigated their doctrine and history!)  Maybe this is harsh, but I think Calvary Chapels are pure evil right down to their core.  They like to put on the face that they're caring, and progressive, and whatever, but they are scary fundamentalist, patriarchal, brainwashing, manipulative, and soul-killing.

I am glad you have found your way out of all that, but I can clearly see you and I have both been through a lot of the same psychological damage and confusion.  10 years out of that church, and I am still trying to untangle the mess they made out of my thoughts, beliefs, and worldview.  I was only in that church for 5 years, but it's taken far longer to undo the damage it caused.

I wish you luck in your journey!

[VAmountaineer]

Thank you for all your responses.

 

@Margee, thank you for the encouraging words. Did the VHS home-study go by the name "Institute of Biblical Studies" (aka, IBS)? If so, it's definitely a small world. My ex wife, at one time, worked for Falwell in a call center selling this course. I don't remember much about it except for the fact that it was hyped-up to be something a lot better than it was in reality. The workers in the call center joked around by saying, "I B.S. You B.S. We all B.S. for IBS!" I also remember feeling bad for the people who signed-up for the course and then struggled to pay for it. Apparently, it did cost a fortune!    

 

@quadshet, Into the Clear Air looks like a good blog. I definitely plan to spend more time there

 

@StillMegan, when I read your x-timony, I actually wondered whether your church was a Calvary Chapel!! LOL. Some of the things you said sounded eerily similar to the one I attended in Virginia (e.g., anti-psychology/12-step etc.). I'm sorry for the lack of empathy they showed you. Aside from the casual dress and contemporary worship music, CC definitely is very fundamentalist and black-and-white in its thinking. I think that, if someone needs something more than a straightforward bible answer, a lot of CC ministers and elders just don't know what to do, so they screw-up things even worse. I watched it happen on several occasions. Glad you got out. Wish you best as well!    

[Margee]

Thank you for all your responses.

 

@Margee, thank you for the encouraging words. Did the VHS home-study go by the name "Institute of Biblical Studies" (aka, IBS)? If so, it's definitely a small world. My ex wife, at one time, worked for Falwell in a call center selling this course. I don't remember much about it except for the fact that it was hyped-up to be something a lot better than it was in reality. The workers in the call center joked around by saying, "I B.S. You B.S. We all B.S. for IBS!" I also remember feeling bad for the people who signed-up for the course and then struggled to pay for it. Apparently, it did cost a fortune!      

 

Yes! That was the name of the course! It was advertised every Sunday afternoon on his program and I HAD to have it!!  I just threw this whole course in the garbage about 3 years ago!! I was soooo mad at the invisable god that I wouldn't even dedicate it to a second hand store!! Damn, it was expensive and I remember struggling financially at that time. I borrowed half the money from my ex husbands' baptist grandfather. He was so proud that I took this course!! I studied it word for word for weeks and weeks! Lol

 

 

This was it. It was 15 tapes of the OT and NT.........

 

.

[searchinwithnoagenda]

"Damn, it was expensive"

 

I wonder what it cost him to make, $5.00? Religion, whatta scam.

[Insightful]

Hi VAM,

I really enjoyed reading your post. I too can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I am at a similar place in my journey - 3 years into embracing my doubts. I also grew tired of rationalizing everything - of trying to make it all make sense when it didn't. It feels so good finally release all of the cognitive dissonance. I no longer have to find reasons to explain why predators have sophisticated structures designed for killing if they were created to eat plants. I no longer have to explain away the compelling molecular evidence for common descent. I no longer have to believe flimsy harmonizations for "apparent" contradictions and unfulfilled promises. I no longer have to try to make sense out of why terrible things happen even to the most faithful believers. I no longer have to view my beautiful children as Hell Bound sinners in need of spankings.

Similar to you I struggle with generalized anxiety disorder and I also find it difficult to not have satisfactory answers for everything. Even now, though I am sure that there are unsolvable problems with Christianity, enough to render it not believable, I am not fully convinced in strong atheism either. I'm not satisfied -yet at least - with materialistic explanations for abiogenesis or sacrificial love or beauty grace and mercy compassion and justice. Or materialistic explanations for the origins of the laws that govern physics and chemistry Etc. Perhaps continued studying will help me be satisfied by the materialistic explanations but for now I live with the uncertainty of not fully understanding why things are the way they are, why life is the way that it is, or why I even have a conscious existence. But as you pointed out, Christianity hands to us a prepackaged set of answers that gives a false certainty about reality. I much prefer the honest unflinching acceptance that we just don't know all there is to know.

 

Thanks again for sharing and welcome.

[VAmountaineer]

@Margee, it was nice to share a "blast from the past" with you Some of my old professors probably were on those tapes

 

@insightful, Whew! The mental gymnastics to rationalize everything were exhausting! I'm also a lot like you; I'm not convinced that materialism is all there is to our existence. Regardless, I'm glad to be in a mindset that permits me to be easier on myself and not stress-out too much over these things...